Jane
by Kristin4ev
Summary: Post ME3; Destroy Ending. Hesitantly, Garrus brought his talon to Shepard's face. He used his first and second fingers to hold her chin and bring her eyes back to his. "You're not alone in this. Not anymore. I'll make you remember, no matter what" his blue eyes bored into hers, strong with his conviction. He heard her breath catch and there were footsteps in the distance.
1. The Waiting Game

Prologue

She looked at the three choices in front of her and down at the shimmering child made of stars. Her heart pounded harder than a Krogan's running feet. Her wounds kept bleeding out and sharp pains were radiating from her ribs. She bit her sliced up lip and felt a stinging from the cuts. One eye was nearly closed shut and one arm was broken. She took a deep breath and it felt like a thousand tight strings around her diaphragm. As a bigger realization began to settle into her gut, suddenly her wounds ceased to hurt her. No matter what her choice was, she would not be returning to Earth, or the Normandy. She never imagined it ending this way. In reality, she did not know what to expect when she suddenly appeared in an unknown part of the Citadel, with nothing to see besides her ravaged planet. Her mission for the past four years was to protect and serve under the Alliance. She wished for the galaxy to be safe for her, her lover, friends, and family as well as everyone in the future. She was getting what she had wanted all along; peace. Yet still, her heart ached.

 _"Come back alive"_ his voice echoed in her head, lasting for what seemed an infinite amount of time.

 _I'm sorry, Garrus. I'm so sorry._

She shook her head of the growing emptiness she felt in her chest. This wasn't about her; it was about saving the entire cosmos. This was her destiny, to die for her people. She was lying to herself if she thought she was not terrified. Within the same moments she had to make a decision on how the Earth should be saved, she had to make her most heroic sacrifice in order to save the Earth. If she delayed herself any longer, a heart attack would surely kill her in the next few moments. The choices stood out in front of her and the starchild next to her waited patiently. Despite the exponentially long descriptions of each, she was only able to see them as colors in the simplest of terms. Red; she looked towards the right. Blue; she looked to the left. Green; she looked forward. She bowed her head. She was not contemplating her choice, she was simply taking it in; her last seconds. She suddenly felt relaxed. The war was off her and everyone else's shoulders. She even smiled at the thought of the world finally being rid of the reapers' attacks. The time had come. After a long few moments, she lifted her head and thanked whatever God there was for the chance to save the Earth and universe, giving it a better tomorrow.

Chapter 1

Pacing: That's all he could do. The white walls only seemed to become whiter if that was possible. Why did they have to wait out here? He didn't make eye contact with anyone else from the Normandy's crew as it only tore a bigger hole inside him, his eyes stayed in the direction he was walking, the white, white wall. They should be in the room with her, alive or not. _Or not_ , deep breath through the nose and out through the mouth. He counted exactly how many steps he took across the room in each direction; 5 across and 10 to the sides. She saved us, for spirits' sake, she didn't want doctors, she needed her friends, Garrus thought to himself. His hands were clasped tightly around his back and his heart thumped nervously against his chest. His own talons dug into his palm and he felt a thick liquid on his palm. _Shit_. He squeezed his palm into his newly ordered armor. He never had anxiety much that is until the love of his existence decided to sacrifice herself for the greater good; the love of his existence he was hell bent on protecting or dying by her side.

After what felt like an eternity, a voice broke the silence like a soft feather. He almost didn't notice he was being spoken to. "Garrus, perhaps you should take a seat. We don't know how long this could take."

The turian stopped abruptly, annoyed his routine of pacing had been thrown off and turned towards Liara. She stared at him with her intense asari eyes, hands folded tightly in her lap. Garrus took a look around the room for the first time in over an hour. Besides the white walls, several lounge chairs lined up along the wall. Vending machines were against the opposing side of the room next to water fountains. Generic pictures of the Earth were hung up on the walls. It was a holding room in an Earth hospital; one of the few that survived the reaper attacks. Garrus finally looked at the rest of the crew; next to Liara was Tali, reading a magazine, then James, propped his elbow on the armrest of his chair his hand resting on his face, and the last chair held Cortez, sipping water he just bought from the vending machine. Against the wall adjacent to Garrus was Javik, dissecting one of the pictures with his ancient Prothean eyes. Joker had taken up the sofa taking up the other side of the room, napping.

Sleep was something that had eluded Garrus since the reaper attacks. After a quick look at the rest of the crew, he had not been alone. Things could not be unseen from that day, in more ways than one. The turian spent countless nights modifying his guns simply due to the fact he hadn't had a good night's sleep since...since the night before the final battle. His mandibles seemed to tighten when Shepard's face crossed his memory.

"Garrus"

Liara's voice pulled him out of his daze.

"Later" Garrus murmured.

"You're only going to work yourself up even more-"

"Let him be, Liara." Kaidan walked into the room at that moment. "Everyone has their own ways of trying to pass time" Kaidan spoke gently, sitting down in the empty seat next to her, the seat that had been meant for Garrus. He sounded as exhausted as he looked. The two men shared a glance. Garrus never felt any grudges toward Kaidan after he returned to the Normandy crew. This did not rule out the fact that Kaidan was not his favorite human; in fact he was probably really low on his list of favorite humans. In that moment, Garrus knew that Kaidan was the only man in the room who could understand what it was like to lose Shepard, a woman he once loved. The only difference between the two was Garrus wasn't ready to give up on Shepard if she was alive or hold anything against her decisions. If it wasn't for Shepard's forgiveness with her former flame, he probably would have shot his face off any chance he got. He cracked the tiniest of smiles. Killing something with sniper sounded like the best type of therapy right about now.

Liara's brow furrowed as she glanced at her turian friend once more; Liara worried for everyone she ever held close even if they did not wish to listen to her or accept her comfort. Garrus caught her eye once more, sighed, and said "I will be fine." She stared at him, unconvinced but nevertheless, resumed searching her Omni tool for more information.

The pacing continued for another 15 minutes until finally, "Keelah, I need some fresh air", Tali said, standing up. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at the masked Quarian skeptically. No one could see her expression but Garrus could bet she was rolling her eyes inside her helmet, "It's what the humans call 'a figure of speech'" She said, with her fingers going up in air quotes. The humans in the room smirked, except for Joker, he remained asleep. As Tali went to open the door, Garrus stopped in his tracks.

"Wait for me, I'll join you"

Tali nodded her head towards the hallway, as if expecting Garrus would say that.

The turian huffed; he was becoming too easy to read. He spends way too much time around humans.

Tali turned and walked down the hall slowly. The hospital was busy with the buzz of machines that kept several survivors temporarily alive. Unfortunately with the loss of proper medicine, many of those who could be saved were forced to die to make room for someone who could possibly, maybe, be saved as well. The cycle was unfortunate and grim; it had been going on since the reapers were defeated. It was the last thing from a happy ending.

The two reached the end of the hallway and looked out into an Earth city, ravaged by their ancient superiors. Tali shook her head slightly, letting out a breath she seemed to be holding. Garrus could not look at the destruction. Four months had passed since the reaper attacks. Bodies of all different races still carpeted the ground. The cleanup process was slow and sickening. Day by day, buildings were demolished and started from the ground up. The only vehicles on the streets were makos. Of all the vehicles that were destroyed in the attacks, the Makos of course survived.

Suddenly, he was thrust from his position, toppled back by a mako. Pain surged through his chest and legs. He cried out in pain and frustration. Less than two seconds later, Shepard was dragging him to cover. _"Joker I need an evac now!"_ Garrus shook his head, bringing his hand to his forehead. The memories surged back. Her blue eyes bored into his _. "No matter what happens; you know I love you."_ He reached his hand out to her but it was too late, she was running back towards this destruction. We were supposed to be in this together.

Tali sighed, bringing Garrus back from heartbreaking visions. "You'd think after four months, they would have made more progress on the cities here." Despite the mess, the sun still shined over the land. As if near destruction would stop it from rising and setting every day. Not a cloud in the sky either. The clearness just emphasized how much the war was over, even if it was metaphorically speaking so.

"The humans were always the slower race than the rest of us. Without any help from AI's, repairs are going to take longer." Garrus spoke. The moment the wave had hit, destroying the reapers, EDI shut down. They soon found out it was not just EDI who, for lack of a better word, died but all the AI and VI technology ceased their operations. Joker had been silent after EDI's passing. Despite Garrus and Tali, the Normandy's local tech experts, reassurances that they will find a way to bring EDI back online, he simply slipped into a deeper depression.

"Do you really think she's in there?" Garrus looked to Tali, taken back by the drastic subject change in the conversation.

"...I don't know. I don't know what I would do if she wasn't in there" Garrus said in a low, even voice.

After being able to bring the Normandy back online without EDI, Kaidan took control of the ship and took the crew back to Earth. With no comm systems in operation, they didn't know what to expect. After a hard few weeks, the ship found its way to the Sol system and Earth. Once off the ship, the crew was informed of Shepard's presumed death as a body was not found. As much as Garrus had already accepted her death, it still hurt to hear it from Admiral Hackett, himself. Since then, the stealth ship and crew had been grounded. No one could return to their home planets without the mass relays or a ship for that matter. Most of the crew, besides those who waited today, went their separate ways. Helping repair the Earth and keep the peace as much as they could. Without the need for extreme, lengthy, risky missions, the crew was exposed to supply runs for the Alliance. Killing off mercs were the new "fun" missions. Garrus almost sneered. Killing mercs were the equivalent to watching paint dry.

Garrus's Omni tool beeped with an incoming call. Liara's face appeared and she looked rather excited. This was not a happy excited, more a nervous excited. "Garrus, Tali, Chakwas has returned with news about Shepard, come here immediately." With his heart in his throat, the turian nearly sprinted down the hospital hallway back to the room. Tali followed close behind.

As they entered the room, Chakwas turned towards them and motioned them to take a seat. Impatiently, Garrus leaned forward in his chair, resisting the urge to shake the physician's shoulders, demanding what had happened to Shepard. She took in a deep breath, her expression was unreadable. She rested her eyes on every one of the crew members before resting her gaze on Garrus.

After a long pause, "She's alive." Relief, gratuitous relief, washed over the Turian and he felt more grounded than he had in months. His heart was in his ears. Although when he looked back at Chakwas, pain crossed her face. What was it? Was she paralyzed? In a coma? Diseased? What was it? His relief left him as quickly as it came. If he were human, his face would have been pale as stone. "But, there is something you should all know." she continued slowly, letting her words sink into each and every one of the crew. "While the commander has basic knowledge of her surroundings and herself…" Garrus felt himself sink into the chair, something was seriously wrong. "Her own personal memories are gone in a form of amnesia."

Liara turned her gaze to Garrus but the turian remained still, his eyes begging Chakwas to be joking, despite how sick and twisted that joke was. Her face did not waver at the news she gave. The doctor looked as if she could break down at any moment but was merely holding herself together for the sake of the crew.

After a long silence, Kaidan surprisingly was the one to break it, "permanently?"

Chakwas snapped out of her ghastly expression of inexpression and said "We can't be too sure, we are still running tests. However we cannot permit any of you to see her at this time. She is still taking it all in. We are spoon-feeding her information about what has happened bit by bit. Once we deem she is comfortable enough to be surrounded by her friends and family, you will be permitted to see her"

"Well when would that be exactly?" Garrus's voice rose. "We've only been convinced the past four months that she was dead and since you decided to tell us now that she was alive; I think it's only fair we see her." Her nearly growled his anger prominent. Inside the hurt he felt only grew. He grimaced to avoid breaking into despair.

"I can't tell you when, Garrus. I know this hurts all of you. I promise, once she is more stable, you'll be able to visit with her. It could be from as little as a few hours to as much as a few weeks. You're all welcome to stay here until more information is given on her condition." Chakwas said with her hands clasped behind her back. She seemed very strained against saying what she really felt about the whole endeavor. She looked around apologetically and exited.

Once the door closed behind her, Garrus followed.

"Where are you going?" Tali said, grabbing his wrist. He yanked it back, a little too harshly. He didn't answer, just followed the doctor.

It could be worse; she could have been dead. She could have been paralyzed. She could have been in a coma. But it was worse. Shepard did not know what she did for the Galaxy, what she sacrificed. There was one thought that could not shake out of his mind, the moment Chakwas let the words past her lips; she didn't remember him. As selfish as the thought may have been, it was nothing short of the truth.

When Shepard recruited Garrus to be on her team for the last time, he soon realized that she was what gave his life more meaning. She gave him hope, hope for peace in this messed up Galaxy. She never wavered from her determination. She never let her disappointments control her stance. She didn't let the war change her, it only made her angrier and more hell bent on saving us all. Reunited, they were unstoppable.

 _"You're alive"_ her voice echoed. She was shocked, surprised, and relieved all at the same time. Humans, so easy to read.

He took her hand in both of his and stared her down, _"I'm hard to kill, you should know that"_ her hand was warm and rough. Gun powder was smudged on her cheek and she was still struggling to regain her composure as she had just taken down multiple husks in order to get the Comm towers back online. He had been listening in on her ever since communication was restored. Hearing her voice again, reawakened him. He rushed back to camp. Ever since he had heard about the attacks on Earth he couldn't stop worrying if she had made it out on time. He should have known _she_ was hard to kill as well. She had the tiniest of smiles on her face.

He grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. Chakwas' face replaced Shepard's, instead of a smile, there was despair in her mature, aged eyes. He hand rested on his, "Garrus, please, I know this is hard-"

"No. You're bringing us to her. She needs us" he stressed, trying to hide the begging in his tone.

She sighed, closed her eyes, and removed his hand from her shoulder. She looked up at him, "Us or you?" She asked, gently. Her expression was sad, looking as if she could cry.

His heart sunk. Again, he had not been thinking of the crew. Shepard meant everything to him; he was letting that control his actions. He couldn't help himself, out of all the ghastly things that had been happening around him, Shepard being alive is something that can make everything not seems so grim. "Please" he whispered, letting the full effect of begging slip into his voice. He shut down his mask of anger and showed her the reality of his depression. If Turians could cry, he was close.

After a few moments, Chakwas face broke and revealed how heartbroken she was as well. She took his hand in hers and gently pat them, comforting. She looked at him, resigned, "alright, Garrus. You just cannot speak with her, not right now."

He nodded. Seeing her was a start for him. She nodded for him to follow and remained silent. His heart pounded in his chest. Garrus didn't care if Shepard couldn't remember him. He remembered her. He was determined to do anything to get her memory back. He wanted his girl back.

Chakwas stopped at a wall nearby and slid a separate plate on the wall away to reveal some kind of scanner. She took her ID out of her pocket and scanned it. The device beeped three times and the wall opened up to reveal an elevator. No wonder he couldn't find any elevators or stairs in the building, they had tightened up the security to a whole new level. They entered and Chakwas hit the uppermost level. The elevator began to move at an exhaustingly slow pace. The Turian wanted to groan. Of all the conversations that had happened in elevators over the past few years, he'd prefer this long journey to the top of the hospital was not spent in silence. There was nothing to say besides waiting, as if he were hanging off a cliff only being held back by a thin wire. He could not stand waiting anymore.

The elevator dinged and entered a special treatment section of the hospital for all higher up military personnel. There were few rooms. And it was amazingly quieter compared to the hustle and bustle downstairs. Chakwas led the way down a hallway. It was blank; it looked like it used to hold pictures and plaques underneath them. There was something suspicious going on. Garrus ached for his assault rifle he had left outside with security. They had confiscated all of their weapons before entering the hospital.

They reached the end of the hallway to a door. He wouldn't really call it a door, rather it was surrounded by different bolts of metals with a small window revealing the words "Military Psych Ward: AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY." Chakwas slid her ID through a slot on the side of the door, it beeped like the elevator, and the door opened automatically. The smell of anesthetics hit him like the force of traveling the mass relay. He had to step back a moment to take it in. The air was stuffed and thin, it was almost too difficult to breathe. Chakwas turned back to him, "would you like to turn back?"

He shook his head, already adjusting to the change of environment. The heavy door shut behind him with a loud clank. It reminded him of his times in C-Sec, watching perpetrators be hoarded into their cells. The room split off, the walls became clear, showing patients in hospital beds, some were unconscious, others were speaking with doctors, and some were shaking erratically with the doctors holding them down, nurses shooting needles into their arms to slow them.

What if they had been doing that to Shepard when she arrived? Was her mind slowly killing her? Causing her to harm herself? Were the doctors holding her down, shoving needles in her arms? Letting out high pitched screams and desperate pleas for help? He shivered, despite the warm temperature of the hallway.

The scenes in front of him and his mind were endless. The more of these patients he saw, the more he only saw them as Shepard. A patient caught his eye; she hopped off her bed and slammed against the glass. She screamed indeterminable words at him. Whether she was angry or scared, he didn't know but she slammed on the glass violently. Despite her looking nothing like Shepard, he saw her blue eyes and her hair became a dirty blonde. Her skin became pearly and the voice was replaced by her rough tenor melody. "Garrus, help!" She screamed at him. "I don't know why I'm here, please! LET. ME. OUT" Her voice ringed through his head, if it weren't for the cool hands of Chakwas, he would have broken the glass.

"Garrus, she's not Shepard, relax or I'll have to take you back downstairs" she used more pressure on his arm than she could have. He took in a sharp breath, released by the gaze of the crazed patient. After he blinked a few times, the patient looked as she did before approaching. He looked back at Chakwas; she was no longer his friend but rather a stern medical professional. He muttered an apology, whether it was to Chakwas or the patient, he wasn't sure. She released him and continued down the hallway.

They reached a final door at the end of the hallway. The doctor didn't open the door but rather turned to the left, Garrus looked where she pointed and there she was. Shepard sat on a bed, reading a data pad. She was completely unharmed, no scars, scratches, or signs of trauma. Her dirty blonde hair had grown and was draped to the small of her back. She was wearing a white V-neck t shirt that loosely clung to her skin. Her blue eyes were divulging in the screen she was reading, dissecting every little piece. It was the same expression she had whenever she had learned new information, calculating it and understanding what to do next. His heart dropped in his chest as he realized the woman he had believed was dead for months was sitting there, just a couple feet from him. _Shepard_. She didn't belong in there; she belonged out here, with him, the crew, and the Normandy.

The Turian began calculating their escape plan. He could easily break open the glass, take her in his arms, and run. Chakwas was a frail but a little hit to the head would only knock her out, nothing more. Getting to that elevator would get complicated, he could hack it to get them back down to the ground floor. After that, who knows? He huffed, trying to work grand theft auto (or grand theft mako rather) into the equation.

While he was plotting their escape, Shepard's eyes shot in Garrus's direction. He felt his heart go into his throat. She was looking at him with a frustrated sort of curiosity; she was trying to understand who he was. She got off the bed and slowly walked up to the window. She stood just inches from him; the glass window was the only thing separating them. He put his hand up to the glass, hoping that she would understand his pleas for her, reeling her to know who he was. Come on, Shepard. She didn't notice his hand, just kept looking ahead.

Chakwas interrupted them softly, "don't bother; hers is a two way mirror. She can't see you or hear you for that matter." Disappointment sunk in his chest. The more he looked at her the more he realized that frustrated curiosity was directed at herself. She was trying to figure who she was. Her eyebrow furrowed the way it always did whenever she was frustrated.

She scratched her head and returned to her bed without another look. She didn't pick the data pad back up, just pulled her knees to her chest and looked out the window. Pain was streaked across her face, she hated being stuck in there, he could tell.

"Doc, isn't there anyway she can come out? She's miserable" he murmured, waiting for her to disappear. She rest her head on her knees. He could only imagine the loneliness, the alienation. She had been in there for a solid four months, with nothing familiar except for white walls. Doctors in white coats checking in on her. The only familiar face was Chakwas and she probably didn't realize who her old friend was.

"She needs to be eased in, Garrus. Even I only get limited time with her right now," she sighed.

"That doesn't seem right" he paused for a long moment, considering the question he was going to ask. This may be his only chance to talk to her about it. "Is there any other problems? I feel like there's more than memory loss here." As he spoke, Shepard had begun twitching ever so slightly. The two froze in their conversation. He felt his throat start to tighten and his chest became hollow. Shepard's hands went to her hair, tugging hard. Her twitching turned into convulsing. Garrus winced as he saw her open her mouth. He assumed she was letting out a scream. He was thanking the spirits he couldn't hear it. A blue aura began shimmering around her skin; her biotics were overloading.

"Shit…" The doctor cussed. If there wasn't so much excitement going on, Garrus would have been real shocked at her vulgar language. Chakwas took her collar in her hand and began requesting immediate assistance. Shepard fell over onto the floor and continued to have a seizure. Blue bursts of light shot out of her body, breaking lights and knocking over equipment. Chakwas began pushing Garrus towards the door.

"Garrus you have to leave, it's not safe here" she yelled as she kept towards the door.

He stood strong and held his ground, "Like _hell_ I am! She needs me. She can't be in that room anymore!" He growled at her. Chakwas refused to give into his intimidations

"You _need_ to leave" she stressed, attempting unsuccessfully to budge the seven foot Turian. "You can't do anything for her" she seethed.

Anger raced in his veins. He looked at her with fire in his eyes. He took her collar, dragged her, and held her against the wall. Fury was laced into every syllable "It'll be a cold day in hell when I walk away from Shepard when she needs help. I'm staying and you're not going to stand in my way" this wasn't the calm, collected voice he had been using. It was the same voice he used in his vigilante days. Archangel seeping through his subharmonics.

Chakwas said nothing, genuinely surprised that he was threatening her. Before she could say anything, Garrus heard the tiniest crack. They looked over to see the two way mirror had been fractured. The fracture cracked once more. "Oh shit…" He muttered, his threatening tone all but gone. He threw himself over Chakwas as the window shattered. The first thing he heard was an ear-piercing, blood curdling scream. The next thing he knew, Garrus and the doctor were thrust the opposing wall by Shepard's haywire biotics. All the air in his lungs were knocked out in a solid "oomph!" Chakwas was unconscious against his chest. Garrus lit up his Omni tool and checked her vitals before getting up. She'd be fine. He was met once again by Shepard's biotics. More prepared, he fought against waves of dark energy. It felt like invisible 100 pound weights were being thrust against his body. His chest met a tingling sensation each time he was hit with more biotics. He struggled to get his hand on the wall by Shepard's room. The energy forced him down to one knee and he was at a stalemate. He couldn't get any closer with the biotics overloading.

Garrus looked up and did the only thing he could do. "Shepard!" He yelled out to her. He held out both syllables in her name and let all of the pain of her death into one foul cry. He began yelling her name once more. Twice more, He began saying her name in tandem with the interval of her screams. In the never ending force of her biotic meltdown, Shepard continued living in her nightmare.


	2. Waking Up

Chapter 2

Blank. That was just it. There was nothing. She heard nothing, saw nothing. She felt nothing. Confusion was an understatement. Confusion would imply there was something that was not being comprehended. Yet she didn't know what she couldn't comprehend. It's as if she was being born again, yet she was beyond her years and nothing had happened in her entire life.

She struggled to find some source of light, some familiarity. Why is she still? Is she dead? She could feel a faint tapping in the distance; her heart. Slow and long breaths were being lulled in and out of her mouth. Her diaphragm expanded and contracted in an augmented and lethargic pattern. She was alive alright. She tried to remember something; anything. She didn't even know her own name. There was an even, slow beeping. A heart monitor? She attempted to move her arms and legs; nothing. Was she paralyzed perhaps? Voices were far away and distorted; she tried to make sense of their words but it was like listening to a radio that was covered in dense mud. Time passed before she heard anything again; how much time was another question. How long had she been asleep? Why was she asleep?

She felt her mind was huge empty chalkboard, trying to write out everything she knew for sure. She wasn't dead. She was asleep or at least her body was; her mind was more awake than it had been for a while; for an undeterminable amount of time. She couldn't move her arms or legs. From the sounds of the equipment, she could assume with confidence she was in a hospital. Alright, off to a start.

Footsteps. More than one set walked into the vicinity. The voices were still a blurry mess. They did sound louder, closer. She felt pressure on her wrist. Or was it her arm? This was frustrating. The voices continued as she felt different parts of her body being touched; assessed. The heart monitor beeped slightly faster, not enough to be considered fast really. The voices stopped abruptly, as if the monitor caught their attention. She felt her chest rising in a regular fashion rather than sleepily. She heard her breath catch; a soft snore left her lips.

The numbness was fading from her body. Someone was holding her hand. Five fingers were curled around her. They were small, frail, warm. Definitely human, older. She felt the hand give hers a squeeze. She tried to command her palm to return the pressure but she couldn't find the strength or her hand really. She felt her mind was still detached from her body even if some feeling was returning. Whoever was holding her hand didn't let go despite her lack of response. The voices had resumed and they were more defined. One was lower, more masculine, a man's voice the other was lighter, harder to make out, but most likely a woman. It was safe to assume these people were doctors. But why was the one holding her hand? There wouldn't be a logical reason to hold it from that angle if they were checking her vitals. The pressure left her hand, and she felt numb again.

She felt her heart rate drop to where it was. Damn it. Back to square one. More time passed. It could have been minutes, hours, days, she had no idea. Sounds were her only way of trying to understand the world around her. The sounds she did hear were faint blocked. The room she was in had to have a lot of insulation. She heard wheels, and metal instruments clanking above them; carts. More medical equipment; heart monitors, IV drops (including hers), oxygen flowing through masks. Multiple sets of footsteps passed outside her room.

Eventually she was able to move smaller parts of her body; the tips of her fingers, her toes, even her nose a little. She could only move them once in a long stretch of time. She tried to open her eyes many times and yet she still couldn't even move her eyelids. Even though she made progress, the doctors had never noticed her subtle movements, the gestures of her moving fingers and toes. Her heart never faltered and her breath never caught since that one time. The voices had become clearer over time and at times she was able to make out words. However, that was only when someone was close enough to her.

She felt the slightest pressure on her arm and heard her IV cease its rhythmic drip-drops. The doctors were in the room again, except this time, their voices became clear as day. It was like coming up from being underwater, her ears worked again after a simple pop.

"Do we know exactly what to expect from this?" A male voice, younger and strained excitement laced his words.

"We know she'll be awake within a few moments. That's it though," a female voice. It sounded older with a slight twist of a British accent.

Their voices bounced off the walls, her room was rather large. She heard a machine hum and felt pressure on her back. She was moving her bed up. This let her breath catch and her heart rate was finally regaining a normal pattern. The room was slightly cooler than she expected.

"Should we alert her crew? The Normandy just returned a few days ago. Considering they were told she was dead, this maybe a huge relief to them" the male voice said.

A crew? She had a crew? A crew of what? Mercenaries? Pirates? Salespeople? And why did they tell them she was dead? Clearly she's alive, sort of.

"Not until we know what we're dealing with. For all we know, she could be mentally damaged," the woman said. Well she wasn't wrong. There was something wrong; she just couldn't figure it out. She felt that same pressure on her hand again, the warmth of another. "Jane? Can you hear us? Squeeze my hand if you do"

So her name was Jane. Well that answers one of the thousands of questions she has. Yet she felt nothing familiar. The name was as alien to her as her memories. She shook off the uncertainty. She struggled to find her hand and command it to squeeze her back. The smallest of pressures returned the doctor's gesture. This time, she noticed. "My god. She does." She whispered. She sounded more relieved than a medical professional could. There was a rapid beeping near where the man's voice was. It sounded like typing.

"Jane, it's Dr. Karin Chakwas from the Normandy" she said this, expecting her to recognize who she was. She drew blanks. Jane did not recognize the name or the voice. She memorized the name and wrote it on her chalkboard of memories. The Normandy. A ship name based off of the World War II battle in France. So she could remember facts of history but not her name, fantastic. She could recite to them a basic timeline of American history but not recall a basic timeline of herself. "Jane, I know you're in there. You're strong, pull yourself through." The doctor encouraged her with a tightening of her fingers.

Jane tried to follow through on her friend's encouragements. She found her knees and legs. She commanded them to move, twitch, anything. She felt her left knee push up ever so slightly. Her shoulders moved up softly and she felt her entire arms. She pushed through the thick darkness of her mind. She found her eyes. At first, she tested her eyelids and felt them move along with her commands. She squeezed them shut and took a deep breath. Here it comes. She opened her eyes.

Everything was really bright at first, the sunlight was streaming in from the windows, and the walls that surrounded her were white as a full moon. The less than appealing hospital lights were directly above her bed. She had to shut her eyes again to help them adjust. She opened them and felt the pain she initially felt subside. The more she blinked, her eyesight improved each time she opened her eyes. She looked down and saw she was in a white hospital gown. Her hands were at her sides. A hospital bracelet was clasped onto her right wrist. She brought it up to her face. Her full name was Jane Robin Shepard. Shepard. The surname stood out. She didn't feel like it was familiar but rather less alien than her first name. The bracelet listed her sex and age. The Normandy was listed below her name. Below that, it said "Military Position: Commander/Alliance Navy." A commander? She was in the military? Her mind raced. Before she could comprehend this information, her eyes averted to the skin of her wrist. Freckles were dotted over her arm and her skin tone resembled a light ivory. She saw her hand come up to her face. She felt her features; high cheek bones, a small but long nose, her lips were full but the bottom lip was slightly bigger, her chin was broad and strong, her jawline was curved up, and her forehead was huge but covered by hair.

"Jane?" The voice spoke again but this time, Jane could look over. The woman named Dr. Chakwas was still holding her hand. She was older than she imagined. Her silver hair hung at her cheeks and her eyes were a deep ocean blue. Her face was long and matured. The only wrinkles she found, however, were below her eyes and purple rings accompanied her wrinkles. She looked exhausted but like she had just seen the light for the first time in ten years.

"Yes?" Her voice was raw, lower than she imagined. Jane cleared her throat.

"Do you know who I am?" She asked slowly, cautious. Jane could feel her heartbreak. She heard the hope in the doctor's voice. If only she did remember Dr. Chakwas.

"Dr. Chakwas of the Normandy," Jane paused, gnawing on her bottom lip. She looked away from her former friend's delighted expression at a destroyed city. What happened out there? She needed her answers but couldn't get them until she told the truth about her memories. She took a deep breath, "Unfortunately that's all I know." Her tenor voice faded away on the last word.

Jane hesitated before turning her head back, afraid of the disappointment she'd find. The doctor's expression was unreadable; professional. Her eyes begged her to be lying. She pat her hand. "It's alright, dear. We're going to take this slow. What do you remember?" She asked, quiet and even.

Jane huffed, hating the conversation already, "nothing" the word left her empty. She remembered nothing. Her soul was simply lost in a body. All she felt like was a body. She looked at her chalkboard list and felt herself sink. A blank, dark canvas in her mind stood out in front of her. There was no trace of writing beforehand. It was a completely new board, except for the writings she had already put on it.

"Nothing…" The doctor echoed her. Her expression broke and revealed a sympathetic face. Her eyes softened, trying soothing her. "It's alright. We'll figure this out. You must have a lot of questions then" she said, releasing Jane's hand.

"You have no idea" Jane mumbled. She tried to assemble her thoughts into a question. Meanwhile she was distracted by her hands again. Memorizing the freckles on the back of her wrist and the smoothness of her skin on the inside of her palm. She began wringing her fingers together, contemplating what to ask first. The doctor waited patiently. She looked up and began with her overabundance of confusion, hoping to fill her chalkboard with white words of remembrance.

Weeks passed following that first conversation. Memories did not return to Jane but information was slowly being given to her. Karin justified this process by saying it will prevent any mental shock or post-traumatic stress of any kind. Like the information, her physics progress was constantly under surveillance.

She was usually sedated to sleep. The doctors never let her leave the room and her meals were always the same time every day with the same food, any sort of difference in her day only caused a pile of paperwork for her doctors and physiologists to make note of any behavioral changes in her. Of course she was asked the same questions everyday: "How are you feeling?" "Did you remember anything?" "What's your name?" "Can you tell me where we are?" She was always quizzed to make sure her memory didn't retract.

What she had been told is she had died. Earth had been taken over by a synthetic sapient species called Reapers. Jane had activated a gigantic weapon called the "crucible." This weapon destroyed all synthetic life in the galaxy. She had sacrificed herself as well when the weapon was activated. She was partly synthetic, when she asked the doctors why, they did not give her an answer. Yet she felt more human than she could ever know. The doctors never mentioned her crew and when she asked for them, her question was always diverted by another question, completely unrelated.

A few days after she woke up, the doctors asked her if she was willing to learn to walk. Her legs had apparently been both broken, nearly shattered by the rubble. They were almost completely healed with the help of several life threatening surgeries. Jane agreed, maybe she would get more answers. Three times a week, she was able to leave that horrible white room in a wheelchair. She was wheeled down a hall, through a large iron door every time. After passing her neighboring patients, she was able to understand why the iron door was needed.

One woman always slammed against her room with full force, begging for help each time. Jane felt for her and as the woman's case was hopeless, she wish there was something that could ease her. She asked the doctors to wheel her over for just a moment. After some protest, the former commander was able to convince them to let her see the crazed woman. Jane put her hand up against the glass, the woman ceased her crying. She heard gasps behind her. Jane ignored them and smiled slightly at the broken girl. Though she did not smile back, she did place her hand against the glass right in front of Jane's. Tears silently ran down her cheeks. She felt her heart in her chest ache. But as the woman cried, her lips cracked up the tiniest bit. Who knows how long she had been in there.

When Jane first began physical therapy, her legs buckled beneath her the moment the doctors tried to get her to stand. A physical therapist was always behind her, ready to pick her up whenever she fell, which was a lot. The first session ended with Jane only have taken one step. By around the sixth or seventh session, she was taking full, multiple steps on her own.

She saw Karin less. She began seeing another doctor named Mark. He was young and excitable. He was the other doctor in the room when she first woke up. Even though he asked her the same questions, he still had the same enthusiasm in his voice as when she first heard it. She missed Karin. Even if she didn't remember her, at least she knew she was familiar in her mind. Although Mark tried to be accommodating, it simply wasn't the same.

Mark came into the room one day looking less excited than usual. He silently checked Jane's vitals before asking her the daily questions. She didn't look him in the eye, rather watched sky cars zooming past buildings under construction. She listened for their hum and wished to be outside the walls that confined her. She started picking off lint of her white shirt as she finished answering the questions.

A month after waking, doctors deemed Jane would not inflict self-harm. They allowed her to wear a white t-shirt and black cotton shorts. The first time she saw her legs, they were pale and scarred. Fainted pink streaks ran up her knees. She ran her finger across them and felt the puncture of her skin. She had seen her legs before whenever she was given her sponge baths but she never got to see them for too long and examine them so closely.

"Alright, any questions today?" Mark asked trying to conceal whatever was bothering him.

"None that you can give me answers to" Jane replied in a matter-of-fact tone. She didn't see many doctors except for Mark and the occasional nurse. Poor Mark became her punching bag, any of her frustrated words were thrown at him with the intent to leave a sting. Though Jane knew Mark was simply doing his job, she couldn't help but throw her tantrums.

Mark didn't say another word and took a data pad out from his clipboard. Every so often, the doctors gave her more pieces to her lost story in the form of data pads. Everything was written through a filter so she never truly trusted the words that had been typed on the screen. Nevertheless she took it and began reading. Mark left, the door clanking shut with the same horrible click of the lock.

Today's data pad was about Shepard's mission to find the leviathan, the creators of the reapers. While Shepard didn't find out everything about the Leviathan, she was able to persuade them to take her side in the fight against their creations. The Leviathan never wanted this from the reapers. They only meant them to be servants as most organics expect from the synthetics they made. The pads never mentioned names of who was with her. It only listed that a Quarian and Turian had accompanied her and covered for her in a firefight so she would speak to the ancient aquatic species. These two squad mates (assuming they were the same people despite their species), appeared everyone she read about a major mission. If only she could remember them. Jane sighed and noted the squad members in her memories.

Sick of the plain, filtered article, she put it down the data pad next to her. Jane had been transferred to a room at the top floor of the hospital. She had ceased being hooked up to multiple machines and medical equipment as her injuries had nearly healed. The room might as well have been the same; the walls and floor were the same awful white color, and the lamps were the same shade of ugly florescent. A mirror was stretched across half her room and she knew it was a two way mirror. People on the outside could see her but she couldn't see them. The doctors really didn't want her seeing anyone by accident. Jane huffed, not sure how much more she could take of this hospital. She got up off the bed and felt her cold feet hit the ground. Her reflection caught in the mirror and she approached it to get a better look. She studied her features, trying to find some piece of it she may have missed, perhaps the key to her memories. Jane always triple-checked anything that could unlock her confusion. All she saw though was a confused, young woman. Her blonde hair flowed to her neck and freckles were dotted all over her face. Her eyes though always seemed to surprise her. They were intense and strong; these eyes had seen what she only wished she could remember. She felt this urge as if the person in that mirror was willing her to try and make sense of her world. All the death and destruction and heroics and sacrifice and pride was there but she could only say she knew her name: Jane Robin Shepard. Shepard. That surname again. A flicker of someone she had used to be was somewhere in that name.

The former commander sighed and returned to her bed. Something didn't feel right. Death _. Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness_. She pulled her knees together, letting the white walls melt around her. Destruction. _I saw them...wait I've got a reaper in bound._ The fallen city was her painting and her only set of eyes into the reality of her planet. Heroics. _Had to be me. Someone else may have gotten it wrong._ White walls. Bland. Suffocating her slowly from the inside out. She felt it. Sacrifice. _Victory...at any cost_. Another color splashed the wall. It was different and radiant. It gave her life. But why did she feel death? Pride. _You were born to do this_. That voice. She knew that voice. Her eyes were on the floor; her vision was sideways, off her bed. The energy was blue and her sight was blue. Everything was blue.

Jane crawled over to try and pick herself up. She looked at her hand and it was shaking uncontrollably, her body was convulsing in a way she never experience. She was losing her grip on the control of her limbs. Blue energy was poking its way out of her chest, legs, face, back, all over her body like a living creature inside her. She started seeing less of the room and more of the unthinkable. Dead bodies. The stench of them, the humidity. A dark hallway was filled with them. They were human but they were faceless. It was her fault. A scream had surged its way out of her lips. They could have lived. If they had only listened. _This scares you_. A child was at the end of the hallway. His eyes bored into hers, fire erupted around him. _It's not safe here. Take my hand._ Voices whispered in her ears _. The paths are open, but you must choose_. Shepard. Shepard. Shepard. Each voice was different. Her name was said in dialects of love, hate, fear, everything. _We're in this till the end._ God make it stop. _You're slower than I imagined. I am the vanguard of your destruction._ Stop it. _Think about what we could learn from them. You have no one left, Shepard._ Stop. Stop. Her screams clamored her ears once again but the voice continued. Haunting her. She shut her eyes and saw nothing. She felt it, all the pain. The emotional baggage that burdened her in her past life. She looked and saw the blood on her hands of the innocent and the wicked. Shepard. One voice. Shepard. It was that voice. Shepard. The only one she recognized. Shepard. It was him. Shepard. The one she had left behind. _Don't argue_. Please stop. Shepard. Her tears burned her cheeks _. I have to leave you behind_. Her heart was torn apart by the blue and the voice. That voice. _I let you down. I'm so sorry_. Shepard. Then everything went black.


	3. My Name is Shepard

_A/N: Hey everyone, thanks so much for all the favorites, follows, and reviews so far! I've had to write this all on my phone so I'm sorry for the lack of italics and stuff! I'm doing my best to have italics done from now on (I use the Google Docs app). I've been writing this over the past two months before deciding to post it. I have one more chapter after this to proofread and post then I will also post that one. After that, you guys will be caught up with me! So it may be a delay on posting after that. Hope you'll still read! Thanks again! And enjoy! :)_

Jane Chapter 3

Jane fell to the ground. Her biotics ceased around her and blanketed her body in a blue glow. Garrus struggled and pushed up from his knelt position. He nearly tripped reaching for her. The energy faded from her, leaving a very still body. No no no. He picked up and turned Jane onto her back, she weighed more than any of the other times he had ever lifted her, including when she was on that terrible leviathan mission. Come on, Shepard. Garrus quickly placed his ear over her chest. There was a very faint thump in her chest then nothing. _Shit._ The Turian folded his hands off her chest and pushed hard. _One, two, three_. He listened again. Silence. He pushed harder. _One, two, three_. Silence again.

He growled, hurt and on the brink of panic, "you're not leaving me behind again." He said the words slowly. He open her mouth and luckily her throat was clear of any debris. Without even think about it, he placed his mouth on hers and breathed in. Human CPR. Something he had learned after joining Shepard. His lungs held more capacity for air than human lungs so he had to time out how much time to breathe. A small part of his mind was noting what her lips felt like; soft and warm, like nothing had changed. They felt like they first time. Her nervous laugh was in his mind, _that's different than I'm used to_. He shook the thought and focused on not trying break her bones with the amount of force he was using on her chest. He listened. There was that thump again. _Spirits, thank you_. Hope filled him as he forced more air in her lungs. _That different could be seen two ways._ He pushed down harder than before, begging her heart to beat. There was movement in her chest. "Come on, Jane, pull through this" he pled with her and sent more air through her lips. Garrus never used her first name and it felt odd to say it. _It's a good different. I can check "kissed a Turian" off my bucket list._ He ceased his pushing and gave her a few moments to see if she could breathe. At first she was still, and as Garrus was about to start over again she gasped. Her hands clawed out from her, trying to get a grip. He grabbed her thin, human wrists and held them above her head. His face was close to hers, he could smell her. Despite the hospital, she still had her natural perfume, a smell that reminded him of long nights lying in her cabin, her small but lengthy body nuzzled against him. _I'm hoping you'll have checked off more by the end of tonight._

"Jane" he breathed her name, his voice was softer than a whisper. She coughed a few times and took her breathing into control. She took many seconds to regain herself. Her eyes open and he looked at her for the first time in what felt like nearly a lifetime. She studied him, not confused but figuring him out. Her eyes told him she wanted to know. Her chest was rising higher and higher. Her lungs were hungry for the air that was deprived of them. She wasn't afraid as she lifted her hands and held his face. Garrus was shocked she was so calm that a large, avian alien was standing over her, close. Her fingers were so soft and so intoxicating. He wanted her even when she didn't know him.

"Say my name" she whispered. Even in the smallest of volumes, her voice was a command and in charge like it always had been. Her leadership was in her veins and made up her essence of what she had become.

Garrus obeyed. "Jane" he said softly. His subharmonics sounded pained and he tried to hide it, hoping it would not frighten her.

"No. Say _my_ name" she emphasized her other name. The name she was known by better than her first.

His mouth cracked. "Shepard." The familiar word rolled off his tongue with no problem.

Her face broke into a smile, almost relieved. "You. You were the voice," She said. If there was a way to sound sad and happy at the same time, that was her in that moment. Shepard had heard Garrus that whole time. Whatever she had been enduring, she had heard him. Here he thought he was shouting at a solid wall.

"Yes. Do you know who I am?" He asked the terribly painful question and immediately regretted asking.

Shepard's smile faded and her eyebrows furrowed. She dropped her hands from his face and he felt the residual warmth she left behind, "No…" She let her voice trail. When Garrus's expression fell, she continued. "Don't take it too personally; I don't recognize anyone right now. But I want to, trust me" her words flowed quickly, trying to justify her lost memory. She was embarrassed and sad as she averted her eyes. Her teeth met with her bottom lip as she observed anywhere but Garrus's face.

Hesitantly, Garrus brought his talon to her face. He used his first and second fingers to hold her chin and bring her eyes back to his. "You're not alone in this. Not anymore. I'll make you remember, no matter what" his blue eyes bored into her, strong with his conviction. He heard her breath catch and there were footsteps in the distance. The Turian swept his arms under her shoulders and assumed a protective position. _You're not taking her away you filthy white coats._

Tali was the first to round the corner, to Garrus's surprise. "Garrus! Shepard! Keelah, thank goodness you're alright" her voice squeaked. The rest of the Normandy crew filled the broken hallway. Garrus held up his hand in a "stop" gesture. The crew looked at Shepard as if she had undergone extensive reconstruction surgery and looked like a vorcha. One more set of footsteps entered the room. The last person he'd ever expect to see.

"Admiral Hackett" he exclaimed, surprised. The older man folded his hands behind his back.

"Garrus" he regarded the Turian and turned his attention to Shepard. "Commander" he called Shepard by her rank. A rank that had been burned into her, something, unlike her memory, that could never be taken away. She looked shocked when he regarded her in such a high rank.

"What are you doing here, sir?" Garrus asked.

"I came to escort you and the Normandy crew away from here" he replied, his voice as even as it had always been.

Garrus's arm tightened around his lover's shoulders, "like hell-"

"-the commander is included in that request. I need to speak with you all. Someplace secure" Hackett interrupted sounding matter of fact.

"This is not a secure facility?" He asked. Garrus didn't want Shepard to stay but he didn't want the alliance near her either.

"I'd rather not discuss sensitive information in a room that just underwent a massive explosion, would you?" Hackett replied calmly, not taking note of any of Garrus's overprotective words. He felt Shepard shiver under his arm. He held her tighter.

"I'm not walking her into an interrogation room. Shepard needs rest-" Garrus began his argument

"I'm fine...Garrus" Shepard interrupted, testing Garrus's name. The Turian felt a pang in his chest at her uncertainty. "I'll go." She said, trying to get up.

"You're sure? I don't know about this, Shepard" he said to her, really wanting to glue her ass to the floor.

"The moment you feel something isn't right, you can whisk me away…" Garrus had removed his arm and had taken her hand, slowly lifting Shepard. She winced when she pushed her knees up off the ground. Tali rushed over and Garrus didn't stop her and she grabbed her other hand. Shepard looked him in the eyes as she stood, grabbing his arm to balance. "I trust you" she said. Pain had taken in his chest again when she said that. It sounded like she had said that only once when really she had said it to him a thousand different times, in a thousand different ways.

She turned her attention to Tali, "Thank you…?" She tried not to make the statement a question, Shepard was struggling to remember her former crew mate and closest friend's name.

Tali placed her other hand on top of Shepard's, "It's Tali," her voice was even and patient.

Shepard smiled at her, "Thank you, Tali." Shepard removed her hands from her alien companions and resumed to walk. After two steps she lost her balance and began to sway. Garrus's hands shot out and caught her waist. Tali was in front of her, Shepard's hands caught onto Tali's forearms. She huffed and straightened up. Kaidan came around the corner with a wheelchair.

Garrus couldn't see Shepard's expression but he was pretty sure it was a sneer. Kaidan empathized with her and spoke softly, "just for now." Shepard's shoulders lifted in a big sigh. Tali turned her and sat her in the wheelchair. Kaidan turned and proceeded to wheel her down the hall. The major protested when Garrus came over. "I got it, Vakarian" he said. Garrus imagined taking his head off with his sniper again and followed closely behind the male human.

"Dr. Chakwas!" Shepard nearly shrieked when she spotted the doctor on the floor, a small spot of blood was on her head. Vega was in the middle of applying medigel when Kaidan wheeled her over. "Karin! Are you alright!?" Shepard asked, frantic.

The doctor caught her hand and patted it. "I'm fine, dear. Don't worry about me"

"Did I… did I do this to you?" Shepard asked, horrified.

"It's fine, Jane. You can't control your biotics right now-"

"My what? My god I'm so sorry" Jane began struggling to get out of her wheelchair. Kaidan took one hand off of the handle and the other to anchor her to the seat. Tali used her hand to anchor the other shoulder. "Get off of me-"

"I'll be alright, Shepard. It's okay. Just lost a little blood. I'll be patched up in no time. I've dealt with angrier Krogan than this," the doctor smiled, trying to reassure her old commander she was going to be fine.

"Speaking of angry. I'm sorry… about before, doctor" Garrus knelt down beside his friend. She too put her hand on his.

"No harm done, Garrus. I understand. I was just following orders. I should have known better than try to give you them" she smiled carelessly. She'd obviously dealt with angrier turians as well.

"What did you say to her?" Shepard demanded him. She was protecting the doctor at this point and Garrus was her enemy. He hated that.

"Well…-I….you see-..." Garrus stuttered. It reminded him of their talks on the SR1. Whenever Garrus would speak his c-sec views, Shepard always chastised him for them. After every argument he was always stuttering to justify his views of how to take down enemies and the sacrifices that came with it. Shepard always won those debates. In the end, he was grateful that she had taught him that being merciful isn't the same as being weak.

"He'll tell you later, Jane. But it was fine. I understand, Garrus. Please. I forgive you. Both of you. Now go" she commanded. She waved her hands to them.

"Come with us" Shepard begged her.

She shook her head but Shepard didn't budge. Doctor Chakwas sighed, "maybe….but I need to get patched up first, I'll catch up, now go!" She spoke quickly and her hand guided Jane back to her chair.

Jane looked at her deeply, "thank you, for everything. I won't forget you, I promise" she said.

The doctor touched her cheek, "you'll remember, Commander. You're strong like that. I believe in you" she spoke with Shepard's rank once again. Garrus nodded to her and she nodded back. They rushed to the elevator. Doctors lined up the walls. Hackett flashed his badge to the stunned doctors. Some saluted him and others were just too shocked from the wreckage. Shepard could never go anywhere without leaving her mark whether it was by peace or an explosion or both. She was special like that. Garrus smiled at the thought and stepped into the elevator behind Kaidan.

Unlike the ride up, the ride down went fast. Not fast enough for Garrus to notice Kaidan had placed his hand on Shepard's shoulder, his thumb massaging her bare skin under her shirt. When the doors open, the Turian "accidentally" swiped his arm at the human's head. Kaidan shot him a glare and Garrus responded with an apology and muttered "muscle spasm." Tali smacked Garrus in the arm. Garrus shoved his arms out in a shrug. "Boys," Tali remarked and pushed Kaidan out of the way to wheel Shepard. Shepard looked around, questioningly then shrugged, oblivious as ever. They passed the lines of life support machines until they made it to the doors to the outside.

There was a mako waiting for them. As they approached, everyone had to step up on a stool then in, just like old times, Garrus thought. He stepped in front of Shepard and held out his hands as supports. She rejected his help and was able to stand. Always so stubborn, he thought again. She balanced herself then took the admiral's hand and pushed herself into the Mako. Her muscles remembered the Mako for her. Garrus was the last to enter and sat down next to Shepard and the wall.

There were no windows in the mako except towards the front. He felt Shepard fidget next to him, trying to get a better look. This was probably the first time she had been outside in months. The ride was rough and long. Shepard eventually gave up trying to see where they were going and played with her fingers. She didn't make much eye contact with anyone even though they were all resting their stares on her, their former commander believed dead, alive. Garrus shot their looks down with his own except Tali. She continued to watch Shepard, her greatest friend and ally. Garrus huffed and sat back against the cold wall. Suddenly he felt the mako descend.

"Uh...did anyone else just feel their ears pop?" Vega sat up and tried to look behind him to see where they were; it was dark and dimly lit. The humans in the mako; Joker, Kaidan, and Cortez all nodded. The other humans felt their "ears pop" whatever the hell that means. Shepard absently mindlessly also scratched her ears. What was this sensation? Why has he never heard of it? Maybe because turians don't really have ears like humans do.

The vehicle stopped suddenly and seconds later the door hatched open. Hackett came around the corner "we're here, follow me." They all exited and found themselves deep inside a cave: a makeshift Alliance base. The admiral led them through a series of murky corridors, passing by makeshift offices and lounges. The alliance and their lounges; trying to copy the Cerberus working ethics. Garrus almost snort at the thought. They reached the end to find a long table with folding chairs surrounding it; a conference room. Hackett gestured everyone to sit. Javik and Garrus shared a glance and then at the tiny chairs made for smaller, human-like bottoms. They nodded and both presumed parade rest, arms behind their backs and legs spread apart.

"This is alliance headquarters, at least for now." Admiral Hackett said, standing at the head of the table, "the reason I called you here today is because I need the Normandy on a secret, confidential mission." The admiral paused; Joker sat up a little, interested. He paused, finding his words, and then "The council is missing." This wasn't a shock. No one had really heard from anyone from the citadel when the crucible was activated. "I need you to take your stealth ship and find them."

"But the relays are down, sir, they could be anywhere in the galaxy," spoke Vega.

Hackett hit a button under the table and a holographic star map pulled up, fuzzy and stat icky. All the different systems are pulsing with blinking from different messages. "We've got an idea as to where they are" he pointed to the Hawking Eta system, "we believe they retreated to somewhere around Hawking Eta. We all retreated to different systems to avoid the impact of the crucible. A few weeks ago we got a distress pang from the Ascension, if there is a possibility the council is alive, we need to find them."

Javik interrupted at this point, "This is the first cycle known in the galaxy to defeat the reapers and you're worried about lost politicians. The Normandy ship could be used for more important things like getting food and supplies, helping rebuild."

Hackett retorted, "That's why I need this team and this ship to go find them. We need the Normandy's stealth systems to dodge any residual mercy groups or opposing forces. The galaxy needs leadership right now. Everyone is struggling for answers and no one but the council can help speed up the reconstruction process."

Liara spoke up for the first time in a while, "There is still the question of the broken relays."

"There's been a breakthrough. We were able to start up the relays again, it's just a matter of someone going in and giving us the green light from the other side. Luckily our communication with other systems are still intact and they're all on the same track." The admiral spoke confidently about it.

"So we're the guinea pigs for the relays?" Joker interrupted, sounding like a ghost of his old sarcastic self.

"Our top scientists and engineers from the crucible are giving me a 95.46% success rate when they sent empty ships through the relays."

"And the other 5% sir?" Kaidan asked

"Hence why I will give you a pardon from this mission if anyone objects. You have all done enough for this galaxy so consider this a personal request of the alliance to bring the council back." Hacker looked around the room slowly, daring anyone to ask for a pardon from the mission.

There was a long stretch of silence before Liara stood up, "I'm in." Hackett shot her a grateful glance.

Slowly but surely the crew rose one by one, agreeing to the mission. Javik stepped forward, despite his reservations to agree. Joker even stood up, "what's the best ship in the galaxy without the best pilot in the galaxy?"

The only one left sitting was Shepard. Garrus could only see the back of her head and she dipped it to think. Hackett waited patiently for her answer. She started to stand and Garrus wanted more than anything to push her back down, beg her not to go, how much it would kill him if he lost her again. She stood regardless.

"Commander. You know you can back out of this and no one would blame you." Hackett was giving her a chance to leave. Garrus wanted her so badly to take it.

"With all due respect sir, memory or not, the Normandy was and still is my home. If I have any hope in regaining my memories, it's on that ship. I'm not afraid, sir." And then Shepard did something Garrus never expected. Shepard stood with her legs together, and saluted Hackett. He cracked a small smile and returned her salute.

"Are you will to learn to be a soldier again Shepard?" He asked.

"No doubt in my mind" she said, convinced.

Kaidan spoke now, "Liara and I will train her to control her biotics, sir. All of us will take the time to help her in hand to hand combat as well as using weapons."

"Well, major, it sounds like you have the situation under control. This leads me to another question. This is hard to ask so I will make an unprecedented vote. Who will be in charge of the Normandy until or if Shepard has regained her memories and stability to command again? It's all up to you."

Garrus wanted to laugh; a vote? Is this serious? There shouldn't be a vote; the admiral should have just named Alenko to be in command. No one really did like him too much when he came back on the ship, though. He nearly shot the commander on sight. There was a long silence before anyone spoke; it was Tali.

"I vote Garrus" she said. Garrus shot her a look of utter horror. "He knew Shepard best and he can command like her. He's the obvious choice" she stood with her opinion and her hands behind her back. All eyes in the room were on Garrus and he was not okay with it. Shepard turned and looked to him, questioningly. Liara agreed with Tali as well as Javik.

"The Turian seems to be the only one with brains around here" said the Prothean.

"I vote on Major Alenko, he's more familiar with Alliance protocols and he's also a spectre, we should keep that a tradition on the Normandy" Vega spoke out.

"I agree with Vega, it would make more sense if it was Kaidan." Cortez said. Not too much of a shock he was taking the side of his friend.

Everyone looked at Shepard. Garrus watched the color drain from her face. She stuttered, unsure of what to say. A complete 180 of her demeanor a moment ago. "I don't...I don't feel like I'm very qualified to give my opinion considering I don't remember how anyone leads…" She bit her lip, and avoiding the scrutiny of her crew.

Garrus put a reassuring hand on her shoulder; she looked back at him, apologetically. She wanted her two cents in but she didn't trust it. "It's alright, Shepard, no one is forcing you" Garrus said softly. She nodded and returned her gaze to the crew. Then everyone looked at the next and last victim, Joker.

"Aw hell!" He said, exasperated. He liked the attention less than Shepard did. He rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous gesture all humans did. "Jeez, why me? I don't know I just fly the ship." He muttered, hoping the stares would go away. They didn't. The pilot huffed and looked at his feet. "If you want my honest opinion, it's Garrus. Sorry Kaidan," joker muttered. Garrus was shocked he didn't side with her human side of the crew. Then again, Joker was the only human to come back to Shepard when she began working for Cerberus. Kaidan looked over at joker, holding back a glare.

"Then the vote wins. Garrus, do you accept command of the Normandy until Shepard regains her memories?" Admiral Hackett asked, indifferent to the results.

Garrus hesitated and then stepped forward, "Never thought I'd see the day a Turian commandeered a human ship but we beat the reapers so I guess anything is possible. I accept, as long as Alenko is my XO." Garrus requested.

Kaidan regained control of his expression, "Of course, Acarian. Any questions regarding alliance protocol, you can come to me about." He already seemed to move on from the vote.

"Excellent, I'll lead you out to the Normandy." Everyone proceeded to follow the admiral without another word.


	4. Welcome Aboard

Chapter 4

"No"

"Yes"

"Shepard"

"Garrus"

"So stubborn"

"You're the guy in charge, so you get the cabin"

Shepard and Garrus stood in front of her former cabin minutes after they had boarded the Normandy. She had her arms crossed over her chest and Garrus was nearly towering over her.

"It's only temporary. As soon as you-"

"- _if_ I get my memory back" she interrupted, already over the debate.

"-get your memory back, you'll be back in charge" the turian spoke over her interruption, slightly amused they were even having this argument.

Shepard huffed and untwisted her arms. If it weren't for the whole memory thing, she was back to her old self, always putting herself second. Garrus didn't deserve the cabin. He was elected commander, not like he wanted it. The last time he had a full squad of people-

He shook his head avoiding the thought. He pushed away the thoughts and focused on her eyes. She sincerely didn't want it. She pushed herself off the wall and walked towards the elevator.

"Hey, we're not done here!" He strode towards the doors but she had already shut them. He groaned. It wasn't his room. All he would think about in there would be-...Garrus shook his head again, forcing his longing for the memories away. It's not like that. Not right now. Spirits, he wish it was.

Garrus placed his palm on the green lock over the door, the air pressure released and he walked into Shep-his cabin. Everything was as she left it. He had only been in there to feed her hamster, Norm and get out; he had never stayed too long. The fish she had bought from the citadel were still swimming around in the large aquarium. Her ship models were displayed with a light coat of dust over the glass. Dossiers and mission reports were spread out on her desk next to her tiny laptop which had been flashing with unread messages. Norm scampered around in his cage, he knew food was coming. Garrus walked over to the cage, thankful the alliance was amused enough to feed a dead commander's hamster. He reached down in the drawer and dropped food into his dish. Excitedly, Norm began eating as Garrus softly pet him with the back of his talon.

On the table beside norm, a motion sensor had picked up on his movement and a picture of Shepard and Garrus appeared. It was in the presidium at their spot, he had set his Omni tool to take a picture on top of the sky car he'd rented. Garrus had one arm around Shepard and his other hand on his mantis sniper, pointing down. Shepard was smiled like usual, big but without showing her teeth. She was wearing her civvies, an N7 hoodie and jeans. Her hair was draped to her shoulders. Garrus was in his usual armor. The Turian had just showed up his commander in his fantastic sniping skills _. "It's windy up here!"_ Sure, Shepard, just keep telling yourself that, thought a smirking Garrus. It was the day they committed to each other, for the unforeseeable future. _I love you, Garrus Vakarian_. Shepard's voice echoed in his head. Garrus turned down the screen before anymore flashbacks could haunt him.

He walked over to the couch, too afraid to go near the bed. Her scent had to have disappeared over the last few months but he wasn't sure how ready he was if it was there. He sat down on the soft leather and propped up his feet up on the coffee table with a big sigh. She was going to be the death of him. He brought his hand up and rubbed his eyes, keeping them shut, ignoring the visions this room held in his mind.

•••

Shepard watched the alliance members carry out the poker table of the port observation lounge. Hackett told Shepard that whatever room she chose; the alliance would provide her with a bed after she refused her former cabin. She didn't mind sleeping in the crew's quarters but the admiral had insisted. With a sigh she toured the ship until she found the port observation deck. It was perfect. Alliance workers came back several minutes later with a queen size bed. She huffed, they could have just given her a twin, she thought. He was merely worried if she had another attack, she could probably cause the least damage away from the crew.

Waking up to a turian leaning over her, close was not what she expected. Shepard definitely expected a human because it had like felt air was being forced into her lungs before she had woken up, someone performed CPR. She had forgotten to breathe after her attack and felt herself drowning into the darkness. He, Garrus, had saved her, she didn't know his name but she knew that voice. The only voice she could recognize in the sea of memories that surged through her. The face and the name she didn't recognize but that voice was embedded somewhere in her core where she couldn't forget. She didn't know what he was to her but he managed to make her breath catch when he had been so committed to helping her find herself. Even though their species were different, that was the most human thing anyone had ever said to her since she first woke up.

Deciding to leave that hospital, even if it were to leave the planet was the greatest thing she had asked for. If her memories weren't coming back, she would not dwell, she couldn't afford to. She had to follow her gut in that moment. Being on the Normandy was the key to being Shepard and not just Jane.

There was a knock on the door. "Come in" Shepard called out. The Quarian named Tali walked in looking around the room.

"Settling in okay?" She asked.

"Yes, thank you" Shepard said.

The silence in the room turned from formal to awkward. Tali sat on the opposing couch from her, twiddling her fingers. "I just wanted to check up on you. Dr. Chakwas will be joining us shortly."

"Really? That's great." Shepard said, relieved. At least she'd be in the good hands.

Shepard smiled and looked out the big observation window. Preflight checks were almost done and the Normandy had begun to hum. They were in an underground garage of some sort in the alliance headquarters. The Normandy had been taken there after they returned.

"Is...The ship actually running?" Shepard asked, trying to make out the faint hum.

"Yep. Perks of being on a stealth ship, it's very quiet." Tali exclaimed, thankful for the distraction.

"Wow. Hope I'll be able to sleep. I don't know how I'd feel about a ship being too quiet" Shepard looked down at her hands. She hadn't naturally slept in...Well she didn't even remember the last time she did. She was always given sleeping pills or sedated. She tried to nap once and was woken up by nightmares of burning children and forever lasting forests.

Tali laughed, "it's funny I had the same problem when I first came onto the ship. You were the one who was able to sleep through it"

"Really?"

"Out like a light"

Shepard smirked. She wished to be out like a light. She wanted to feel the sweet darkness around her. The lull of sleep pulling her under into a relaxed state of mind. The comfort of an arm around her, pulling her tight in the middle of the night.

Shepard's thoughts were interrupted when Joker announced that takeoff was in 2 minutes. "You've got the best seat in the house." Tali said, gesturing to the window. She felt her heart in her chest, beating slow and uneven, nervous. She doesn't remember when it's like to take off into the infinite dark void of space. She let a deep breath in through her nose and out through her mouth. Tali didn't take notice and relaxed into the chair. Shepard held onto the railing by the window, half-tempted to hit the shutter button. If she was going to face the unknown threats of space, she should be able to handle a takeoff.

Joker's voice came over on the intercom, "t-minus 30 seconds, crew." Shepard's death grip tightened on the railing. Tali had come over and place her hand over Shepard's. The ship had begun a slow pace through the caves and felt it incline upward. The cave began to pull apart into the clear blue sky of Earth. The final ten second countdown began and all Shepard could think about was how beautiful her planet was. She would miss it.

"3…2...1, shuttle lift off" she felt the surge of the engines force her back from the railing. The ground began to disappear and the sky grew darker. _Goodbye Earth, I'll be back soon_ , she thought melancholy. She had left her injured cities behind to find a small group of politicians. She sure hoped it was worth it. Shepard was still waiting to be thrust against the wall by the Earth trying to bring the ship back down. The sky just kept getting darker as they ascended.

"What? Were you expecting something to happen?" Tali asked, reading her mind.

"I just...it was so smooth!" Shepard exclaimed, amazed and she regained her footing.

"You have a lot to learn about being on a stealth ship" Tali scoffed, amused.

"Clear of the stratosphere, you're all free to move about the cabin" Joker mused over the com.

"I see why they call him 'Joker'" Shepard claimed.

"Oh no, that's not why. He's just an ass" Tali began walking towards the door. "Well I need to head back down to the engineering deck."

"Thanks for hanging around, Tali. It's nice to have a friend in here" Shepard said

"No problem Shepard. Don't be afraid to walk around! It's still your ship even with Garrus in charge" Tali yelled over her shoulder as the door closed.

Shepard smiled and looked around her room and found a footlocker near her bed. She opened it to find a couple pairs of fatigues, tooth brush, tooth paste, a small comb, shampoo, and a pair of boots. She took the shampoo and a towel.

Hesitantly, Shepard found her way down the hall to the women's bathroom. The ship was humming with the quiet voices of the crew. She went quickly to avoid any starring. She found the bathroom and switched the water temperature in the shower to the hottest it got. The hot water hit her back and she let out an audible sigh. She hadn't known how good a real shower felt. She could have been exploring the ship and re-affiliating herself but a shower was the most homey thing she could think of. Plus she was pretty sure she stunk. She massaged the shampoo in her hair, it didn't have a scent. She washed it out and got a towel wrapped around herself. She tiptoed down the hallway back into her room. She slipped on the blue fatigues and started ripping the comb through her hair. Afterwards, she put it in a quick braid and decided to stop putting off exploring the ship.

Shepard made her way to the mess hall and found a couple crew members sitting at the tables. They stopped their talking and stared at her. Shepard huffed and found MRE's in the cupboard. As she opened it, she still felt their eyes on her back. She stopped, abruptly sick of their bullshit, and turned to their gawking expressions "As you were!" Shepard called out sternly. She was surprised at how quickly they returned to their positions and how naturally her voice called out to them. Maybe she hadn't completely forgotten how to be a commander. Smiling she unpacked her MRE, curry and rice, and ate it at the island.

"Hello Shepard," the voice startled her and she began to choke on the food going down her throat. Shepard took a swig of water and found the asari Doctor, Liara, standing next to her. The asari pat her on the back, alarmed. "Are you alright?" Her silky voice asked.

"Yeah I'm fine," Shepard coughed, taking another sip of water, "you just scared me that's all, like you came out of nowhere."

"I apologize, I was just happy to see you out and about" Liara said, placing her hands lightly behind her back.

"I don't like being stuck in small rooms," Shepard muttered. She took a bite as Liara traveled to the fridge and pulled out a container of yogurt.

"I'm lucky if I can get out of mine, what with all my work" she said. Liara gestured for Shepard to follow and they sat down at a nearby table that had been recently vacated by some of the crew.

"Oh yeah? What kind of work do you do?" Shepard asked.

Liara looked up at her, swallowing the yogurt. She smiled and it looked almost devious, "the fun kind"

Before Shepard could ask what she meant, the man who had wheeled her through the hospital appeared with his own tray of food. "You're in the presence of the shadow broker, Shepard. She knows everything about everyone." He sat down next to Shepard and grinned at Liara. Liara smiled, rolling her eyes.

"Major," Shepard regarded the man.

"Please Shepard, it's just Kaidan to you" his smile was smooth and sincere. He was handsome. His black hair shot upward in a soft mat. He had chocolate brown eyes and his face was very raw and young-looking. His body was built for battle, in a past life; she would have had a crush on him.

"Alright, Kaidan. So what's a shadow broker?" She turned her attention back to Liara.

"More like, 'who is the shadow broker'" Liara corrected, "I'm in charge of many people, spies, military operatives, private mercenary groups, you name it. They give me information and I provide them with employment. It's been rather of an asset to us. My identity is unknown to my employees however. I know too much for them to have an idea of who I am" Liara took another spoonful of yogurt.

"Wow, how did you land that kind of job?" Shepard wondered.

"Well, you helped me get it actually." Liara stated matter of fact. "It wasn't our intention at first but it worked out. The old shadow broker, an older alien called a Yag, was...abusing his title and I'd been wanting to take him down for a while…" Liara paused, scraping the bottom of the yogurt container. She salvaged the last of it.

"A Yag?" Shepard asked.

"Indeed, they were a pre space flight species. After we defeated him, I took control of his headquarters and have been the new shadow broker ever since." Liara finished, folding her hands in front of her.

"What have you done since becoming shadow broker?"

"Mostly helping in any way I could assist in defeating the reapers. Knowledge is power, Shepard. With it at my fingertips, I'm nearly unstoppable."

Shepard too began digging at the bottom of her bag for rice, "And no one has ever suspected your identity?"

"No one alive anyway" Liara smiled that devious grin again. Shepard stopped digging and stared at her, not sure whether to be impressed or scared.

"Ah, they grow up so fast. Feels like just yesterday you were stuck in that Prothean security bubble thing" Kaidan mused.

"Prothean security bubble thing?" Shepard asked.

"I didn't know better back then, I was young. Although I don't know what I would have done if you guys hadn't showed up." Liara smiled at Kaidan.

"It was our pleasure, Doctor." Kaidan bowed his head theatrically.

Liara stood up, "well I'd better get back to work. It was nice talking to you again, Shepard"

"Yes, let's do it again sometime" she said softly.

The asari smiled at her again, "I'd like that" and walked back to her office towards the left side of the ship. Shepard ate the last of her MRE. It was a little bland but it was the tastiest thing she'd had since the hospital. Kaidan took another bite of meatloaf next to her.

Shepard crumpled the bag when Kaidan spoke, "You know we have better food than those."

"What? Astronaut food is better?" Shepard scoffed. She went to the nearby trashcan and threw it out before considering just walking back to her room. She decided that most likely was not in her benefit and sat down across from the major.

Kaidan huffed out a careless laugh, "astronaut food. There is normal food here too. Except for the dextro stuff. Don't eat that"

"Why?"

"You'll get sick. Bad sick. It's for Garrus and Tali. Their systems are made up different than ours," he paused then laughed again.

"What?"

"I was just thinking about this one time, shortly after Tali joined us again. Garrus had gotten this Turian chocolate from a doctor back at the citadel. Vega had a sweet tooth that day," He paused to laugh again, "well he found some chocolate, alright. He was sick for days." He gestured with his arm shooting out, "as usual, James was an example of 'not reading the label.'"

"Maybe he didn't see a label"

"Shepard...it was in big, bold, red letters."

"...maybe he just only read the 'chocolate' part then," she managed a laugh.

"Here I'll get us some, nice people dessert" Kaidan got up and over to the fridge before Shepard could protest. He returned with two vanilla sprinkled cupcakes. He handed one to her with a grin. Shepard felt blood rush to her cheeks and looked away, sheepish. He said down across from her. "I'm pretty sure Traynor made these. She's up in the CIC if you'd like to see her later. She works at a laptop by the galaxy map" he said, devouring the dessert.

"Was she that enthusiastic, darker skinned girl who was a tad jumpy when she saw me?" Shepard asked.

"Yep, that's her. I'm sure she'll be happy to hear from you" Kaidan said, amused. Shepard smirked and began pulling off the bottom of the cupcake. She munched on it before eating the frosted top of it. "What are you doing?" He asked.

"Oh I pull off the bottom of the cupcake so it's easier to eat. Also I get more frosting in the end" Shepard said, grinning.

"How many cupcakes did you eat at the hospital?" Kaidan asked, amused and intrigued.

"Oh I didn't I just…it's something I used to…" Shepard looked down, trying to figure out how she remembered she did that. "...old habit?" She asked, unsure of herself.

"Maybe there's more to remember than you thought," he leaned forward; chin resting on his folding hands.

"My brain is Swiss cheese right now. It either remembers or it doesn't. No grey areas"

"This seems to be pretty grey, Shepard. You didn't realize you remembered an old habit. Perhaps it's a step in the right direction" He said

"I suppose so…" she bit her lip at the revelation.

As she began cleaning up her crumbs, Garrus came over the intercom. "Hey guys, I'm calling a crew meeting. All combative squad mates meet in the conference room."

"I guess that means us?" Shepard asked Kaidan.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to, you've had a long day" Kaidan said, getting up.

"I'm fine. Let's see what the fuss is about" Shepard huffed and followed Kaidan to the elevator. It opened to reveal Tali, Javik, James, and Cortez. Shepard squeezed in next to Tali and Kaidan along with Liara stepped into the elevator.

When they arrived in the conference room, Garrus was facing the window, arms crossed. She wondered what was going through his head. It had been a big day for him too. He turned when they all gathered.

"Alright, everyone. So we have cleared Earth's atmosphere and we're off to the relay. We will be running on reserved power so it will take us a week to approach it." Garrus informed.

"May I ask why?" Kaidan asked, stepping forward.

"We don't know what fuel depots are still functioning, Major. We need to be sure that we can grab the council and return to Earth in one go," the turian retorted. Kaidan backed off.

"Have we narrowed down on the Ascension's location in Hawking Eta?" Liara asked.

"Yes. It's in the century cluster. We believe it's near the planet Klendagon. If not, it's somewhere in the century cluster. That much is confirmed."

"What do we expect to find? Any signs of them being held hostage or in danger of any kind?" James asked.

"Not sure yet, all the pings the alliance has tried to send just bounced back. Not a good sign but we can't rule out the Comm system being damaged. Any other questions? Just wanted to give you all an update" Garrus asked, making eye contact with everyone in the rooms. His eyes rested on Shepard. She felt a smirk toying on her lips.

"I've got none, Vakarian" she said smoothly. Garrus's mandibles shot out in a grin.

"Well then. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best everyone. Ready your guns, biotics, and tech, what have you. We have a council to save. Dismissed" Garrus commanded with a jerk nod.

Shepard clasped her hands behind her back. Her fellow crew mates passed her until Garrus was next to her. She looked up at him, studying the blue markings on his face. Faint scars streaked the side of his face. She could see her name backwards on his visor. He was a giant compared to her. She felt a faint sense of her fight or flight instinct. She shook it off, reminding herself he was the one who saved her. The first ever rival species of her people and he saved her. How times have changed. She kept shaking the thought that there was more to him. That voice. She couldn't get over it, she knew it.

"You settle in alright?" Garrus asked, breaking the silence. Shepard snapped out of her revere and found the room had been emptied.

"Yeah. I'm alright." Her voice shot up and she cleared her throat.

"No need to lie, Shepard. You've had a long day. You should get some sleep," he said, looking tired himself.

"So have you," she said, reading his expression.

"Perhaps you're right," He trailed off and shuffled his feet and began walking away. Shepard caught up to him in the elevator. "Oh, Doctor Chakwas was able to get on the ship. She should be in the med bay. She mentioned something about a prescription?" Garrus asked as the elevator doors closed.

Shepard groaned softly. "Yes, my sleeping pills."

"Why? Are you alright?" he asked, looking genuinely concerned.

She huffed, "Yeah, I just...nightmares." Shepard felt a shiver run up her spine.

"Shepard, I'm sorry. It's a waste of a good sleep…" Garrus murmured his eyes somewhere else. The elevator doors opened to the crew's quarters.

"Uh Garrus, your room is upstairs?" Shepard pointed up.

Garrus laughed halfheartedly, "old habit." He walked back into the elevator.

"Garrus wait-" she called out, reaching her arm to stop the doors, "Thanks" her voice came out raw, and "for waking me up" she smiled softly.

To her surprise, he took a step towards her, his hand resting on the door just above hers and murmured, "Always." Shepard felt something deep inside her and her breath caught. She let the elevator go but not before seeing a soft smile on the turian's face.


	5. The Truth

_Lots of writers block in this chapter as the next few maybe a bit of a transition! Hope you all enjoy regardless! - K_

Jane Chapter 5

 _He took her face in his hands. She looked up at him with no fear at all. Before he could pursue her, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her mouth to his. He felt an intake of air and her scent washed over him as he snaked his arms around her back and waist, wanting every inch of her. He was kissing a human. She was so soft and warm. He didn't want her to pull away. Ever. She did but was only inches from his face. Her soft laugh filled the air between them._

 _"What?" Garrus asked, self-conscious._

 _"That's different than I'm used to," she smiled sheepishly._

 _"That different can be seen two different ways" he looked away from her. She pulled his face back to hers, kissing him once more_

 _"It's a good different. I can check 'kissed a Turian' off my bucket list" she whispered. He grinned and picked her up. She straddled her legs against his waist and he let out an audible groan._

 _His teeth found her ear and he whispered back, "I'm hoping you'll have checked off more by the end of tonight." His arm snuck it's way inside of her shirt, unhooking the bra strap in her back. She shivered against him but only pulled herself closer. The bed was at the backs of his knees and sat with Shepard still straddled around him. He pulled her shirt off along with her undergarment. Her hands found their way to the hem of his shirt and he helped pull it off. This time he was the one who shivered as their naked tops pressed together. She pushed him down into the mattress and she placed her mouth on his neck, kissing him. Her name came out of his mouth like a caress. Her waist found his again and this time she moaned into his ear._

 _And just like that, the doubt filled him. What if it wouldn't work? What if she could be disgusted? His hands found the side of her head and brought her blue eyes back to his. She placed her palm against his cheek. "What is it?" She asked her voice softer than the sheets below them._

 _"Are you sure, Shepard?" He murmured. He was trying not to get distracted by the feeling between his legs and hers beginning to moisten._

 _She smiled patiently and held her forehead to his. "I've never been more sure, Garrus," Shepard said. He smiled softly and brought her mouth to his once more. She said his name again but not as a beckon but a soft caress. "Don't be afraid" she whispered._

His eyes shot open and all he could see was the light speed of the Normandy shooting through space in his window. His heart ached as it was pounding in his chest. He looked at the clock and noticed the night cycle was almost up.

After taking a shower, he clasped on his blue armor and found his way down to the shuttle bay to start his rounds. The elevator opened and he saw Shepard had found her way down there as well. Her hair was in a braid and she was wearing a grey tank top with sweatpants. She had her hands in fists and was sparring with Vega. Cortez was busy at his console, programming with the shuttle.

"That's it, Shepard! Vámonos!" He called out as she struck her fists at him. They were in tandem together as they sparred. She tried to nab him in a few times but she kept missing. His hand went straight to her stomach. "Keep your stomach tight, Shepard. It'll help you..." he was suddenly distracted by her chest so close to his face, "damn, Lola" he muttered. Garrus cleared his throat loudly and James turned back slightly. Shepard seized the opportunity and punched Vega square in the nose. When he scowled at her, she grinned. James muttered, "nice" under her breath.

"Morning," Shepard called out.

"Hey, Garrus! Just doing some sparring with Shepard. It's amazing how much her muscles remembered!" James called out.

"Had a feeling Shepard didn't lose everything" Garrus said.

"Need I remind you memories are not the same as skills? In which I am kicking Vega's ass right now!" Shepard mused.

"Don't get cocky, Shep. Not your style" he clipped her in the cheek. Shepard rubbed her face and huffed. Vega's fist went straight for her face again but she swung her head to the side and grabbed the fist that was about to hit her. She let out a huge grunt as she turned and threw Vega over her shoulder. She bent over and James got distracted by her chest again.

"Not my style, huh?" She smirked. Now James seized his opportunity and swept his foot under hers. Shepard let out a yelp as she fell to the ground.

"No because then you get too distracted" he said, matter of fact. He got up and dusted himself off. He held out his hand and she grabbed it. He hoisted her up but not before she groaned and held onto her tailbone area. "Walk it off, Lola" he said, giving her a strong pat on the back.

She shook her head and put up her fists, "let's go again," she said. James smirked and put down her hands, shaking his head. Garrus had walked over at that point and joined them.

"When was the last time you ate?" Garrus asked her.

Shepard rolled her neck and stretched out her arms, "I don't know. Yesterday, mid-day cycle?" She answered in a questioning tone. Garrus's mandibles pulled into a scowl at her. She sighed, "I'm fine."

"Go get breakfast, Shepard. I'll be here all day if you want to come back" James said as he walked back to his station.

Shepard let out a frustrated huff and grabbed her water bottle before joining Garrus in the elevator. She was silent during the trip as she sipped her water. Garrus couldn't seem to find a topic to stem conversation with. He never seemed to have that problem with Shepard other than his cringe-worthy attempts at hitting on her. Although when the elevator stopped on the crew quarters floor, she stepped out and looked at him questioningly. "You coming?" She asked.

"Oh, right, of course" he replied, stuttering to find the correct response. Shepard continued towards the kitchen, oblivious to his nervousness. She found herself fruit and cereal while Garrus grabbed his dextro amino protein bar. They sat at a table. It was still a little early for the crew to be awake. Besides a few stray members, the room was mostly empty.

Shepard began devouring her breakfast. He watched her as she ate. Sweat was condensed on her nose and cheeks. She was flushed. Her hair was coming loose in the braid and she looked gorgeous. She looked up at Garrus's staring.

"What?" She asked

"Nothing" Garrus diverted his eyes away from hers.

"You know I really wish you'd stop doing that," Shepard said. She was annoyed.

"Stop doing what?" _Admiring you? Loving you? Still reeling in the fact you're alive?_ Garrus thought at her almost furiously.

"You look at me like I've lost two legs and grew a third head." Her eyebrows furrowed and a small creased formed in her forehead. Garrus tilted his head to the side when she said this. Shepard huffed; "you look at me like I'm wounded" she clarified, sounding wounded herself.

"I don't mean to come off that way, Shepard. It's hard to explain." He struggled with his words. He couldn't tell her why and that hurt him.

"I'm listening," Shepard softened her stance but still had her arms folded. She wasn't going to stand down. She doesn't want the truth. She wasn't ready.

"Jane, I-" he started but was interrupted by the ship's alarm system. Shepard shot up and looked around, following her instinct.

"Breach in the airlock" the security system said mechanically. "Breach in the airlock" it repeated.

Garrus shot up this time and all eyes on the room were on him. "Get to your stations, grab a gun and assume hostility, go!" He gestured his arm out fiercely. The crew hurried to their positions. He turned as Shepard began following him, "stay" he ordered her.

"I'm not being left behind," Shepard called out behind him.

He turned to her and his look sent her a step back. He couldn't risk her safety. His instinct to protect the ship and protect Shepard were playing a terrible game of tug of war in his mind. He needed to see the airlock. No ship, no Shepard. Protect the Normandy at all costs. "Stay here, Jane" he ordered her again. She glared at him, furious.

"No" she said, "don't you dare underestimate me, Garrus Vakarian" he knew better than to ever underestimate that woman. Frustrated he slammed his fist against the nearby wall panel. Shepard recoiled from him but stayed where she was. The panel opened to reveal a weapon's locker. He grabbed his avenger assault rifle. He look at her, trying to control his temper and gestured to the locker for her to grab something. Without consideration at all, she grabbed the Katana shotgun. Of all the weapons in there, how could she have chosen her old shotgun? He shook his head, ignoring the doubts he had. They rushed to the elevator. Red lights pulsed through the ship.

"Breach in the airlock" the system repeated. The elevator opened to the CIC and the crew materialized down the halls and in front of the airlock. Kaidan, James, And Javik were defending the opening to the airlock. Garrus and Shepard showed up in front of them. Garrus used his free arm and shoved her behind him. She grunted angrily. Garrus ignored her and looked at his squad mates. Two crew members stood on either side of the small pack of soldiers. They all raised their guns as the airlock doors opened. Smoked filled the room and a figure stepped out. Garrus and the squad groaned. "False alarm," the turian muttered.

"What a fucking entrance!" Jack exclaimed. She wore a wickedly arrogant smile.

"Jack, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Garrus said in a slight sarcastic tone.

"Just had to barge in because you fuckers," she pointed her finger at the crew members defending the flank, "refused my fucking ship to dock" her hand glowed blue.

"Your ship wasn't authorized! And we were given orders to let no one else on this vessel" the crew member stuttered.

"And I had orders to get my ass to the Normandy by your boss. The fucking admiral!" Jack yelled at them, matter of factly. She swung a tattooed arm at the members and sent them flying across the CIC. Garrus felt Shepard's hand clench onto his arm. Her first sign of fear this entire time or was it protective?

"Apologies, Jack. I didn't know. What about your students?" Garrus asked, signaling everyone to stand down.

"Some are on Mars, others on Luna. They were able to escape the citadel before the crucible fired. They're helping make shelters for marooned civilians," she spoke with pride; there was also relief in her undertone.

"Any casualties?"

"Nah they're tough little fuckers. Taught them well. They've become amazing soldiers since you guys helped out at Grissom academy" her face softened slightly.

"What were your orders exactly?"

"I'm here mostly for her," she jutted her chin at Shepard, "Hackett wants me to use my biotic teaching skills to get her back in shape."

Kaidan and Liara stepped forward.

"Shepard has plenty of biotic teachers on this ship. She hasn't even had them online since she woke up" Liara sneered at her.

"I didn't know 'plenty' constituted a blue Barbie and a marine washout" Jack shot back at her.

"Watch it, ink freak" Kaidan said. He began to glow blue.

"You want to dance, princess?" Jack also began to glow blue.

"With pleasure," Kaidan said menacingly.

Before they could shoot at each other, they both froze. Shepard stood between them, her arms shot in their directions, "stop!" she yelled. Her hands were lit up with her own biotics. She stared between them, looking as spooked as they were.

Jack struggled, "let go, Shepard!" She grunted trying to unsuccessfully maneuver out of the field she had created.

"No" she growled. Shepard flared between them. "Stop it, now," her voice commanded, "one more biotic wouldn't hurt anyone" she glanced at Kaidan. Jack smirked, and Shepard returned her a sharp gaze, "but picking fights with people will" she said. Shepard released them. The crew began to disperse with the threat gone. Kaidan brushed passed Shepard without another word. His name was on her lips.

Garrus stepped forward now, "Jack, you're always welcome on the Normandy. On the condition you don't cause too much damage," he said sarcastically.

"Whatever. Shepard, when you're ready to train, come see me down in engineering," Jack also brushed past Shepard. The former commander looked down at her boots, guilty.

"You always were the peacemaker, Shepard" Garrus spoke softly to her.

The crease in her forehead came back, "then why do I feel I made things worse?" She avoided eye contact.

The turian followed his instinct and smoothed out the crease with his finger, "creating peace doesn't always guarantee everyone will be happy with you. It does guarantee no one gets hurt," her eyes met his and her face relaxed, "how did you do that?" He asked her, thoroughly perplexed.

She shrugged, seeming unfazed, "I don't know I just did it. I wanted them to stop fighting and I stood between them. I didn't expect my biotics to come back online" Shepard murmured, now looking at her hands. She stared at them intently, almost waiting for them to turn blue. With no results, she furrowed her eyebrows and dropped her hands.

"Shepard?" He asked her as she stared off.

She closed her fingers into her palms, she refused to look to him, "I gotta go" she said absently.

•••

Shepard had placed a box in the middle of her room. She focused hard on it; she demanded it to move, to lift in the air like she wanted it to. She held out her hands in tight claws, waiting for them to glow. Nothing. She stared at the box closely, ready to start begging it to move. Come on, Shepard thought to it. Her eyebrows hurt from how they were glued to their furrowed expression. Sweat had dewed on her forehead. She closed her eyes and tried imagining the box lifting up and she opened them. Nothing. Frustrated, Shepard threw her hands in the air. The box glowed and stumbled from her movement. Shepard huffed and stormed off to her bed.

There was a knock on her door, "not now" she groaned. The door opened regardless with a release of the air pressure.

"Shepard? Is this a bad time?" Liara's voice whispered into the room. Shepard got up to see her old friend standing at the threshold.

"A little" she said, facing away from the asari.

Liara remained silent and took a seat on the couch, "if it's about your biotics, maybe I could help" Shepard's head turned to her direction.

"How?" She asked cautiously.

"Come sit with me. I'll show you" she requested.

Shepard hesitantly got up from her bed. She tousled her long hair that had fallen from the braid she made. The former commander sat down next to Liara. Her asari eyes looked into hers and something clicked for her.

"Were you trying to practice before?" She asked.

"Yeah and I concentrated and concentrated and that stupid thing didn't move," Shepard grumbled.

Liara looked over at the box and lifted her blue hand. The box lifted effortlessly with her biotics. Shepard took a deep breath and let out a sigh, "like that!" Her hand shot out trying to mimic Liara and the box went flying across the room. Liara suppressed a laugh.

"Shepard, you're coming at it in a different direction than you're supposed to" Liara mused softly.

"What do you mean?"

"First I need you to relax," she nearly whispered. Shepard huffed; patience was not one of her strengths. Nevertheless, she took a deep breath in through her nose and out through her mouth, creating an audible sigh. "Close your eyes, Shepard" she said. Shepard obeyed once more and took another deep breath. She felt Liara's hands take her and turn them over so her palms were facing the ceiling. "Clear your mind. Visualize a cluttered desk and just swipe everything off of it." Shepard did her best but instead that chalkboard appeared. More words and phrases had been written on it. She imagined erasing it all. Her eyes tested on the name; Shepard. Jane had been erased and that was all she wanted to be called now. Shepard. She felt a smile play on her lips. She imagined erasing the name and felt her mind clear.

"Thinking about anything?" She asked half amused. Shepard let the smirk paint onto her face and she shook her head. "Good. The first thing to know about biotics, Shepard, is that they are to be handled gently. Rather than control them, let them control you." Shepard with her eyes still closed, managed to give her a skeptical look. "It's how we asari are able to act so cool-headed in battle, we have to stay calm in order for our biotics to work properly," the asari clarified. Shepard humored her.

She could feel the power in her and her biotics began to move from the inside of her chest to her shoulders, cheeks, and ears. She coaxed it gently, trying to physically feel it. It was like a thin satin. Interestingly enough, it had felt like sandpaper the other times she had been using them. They were used when her emotions had gone out of control and she was at the mercy of her own powers. She felt a crease in her forehead. The sensation ran down her arms and she could swear she felt strands of her hair lifting up. Shepard guided the feeling to the middle of the room where the box sat. Ever so softly she lifted her arm pulling the satin up.

"Shepard, open your eyes" Liara spoke.

Nervously, she opened them and gasped softly. There was the box, blanketed in the blue wisp of her powers. A smile stretched to her cheeks. The first time she had felt truly accomplished in a long time. She lowered her arm slowly and the box obeyed her whim.

"Wow" Shepard murmured and turned to Liara, "thank you" she expressed.

"That was all you, Shepard. I knew you still had it in you" Liara grinned at her, her hands were no more blue than usual and sat in lightly in her lap. "If you ever want to start training, just let me know," she said as she stood.

"Oh of course! Thanks again" Shepard smiled, grateful. Liara nodded lightly and exited.

Shepard took the time to take a shower and change into her fatigues. She found the gun she had chosen laying on her bed. She took it in her hands; it was pretty heavy compared to its size. It was a shotgun; she could only get that from the shape. She never even got to shoot it. Disappointment played on her face while she turned the weapon over in her hands, studying it. Garrus's voice came onto her private intercom and she nearly dropped it.

"Shepard, are you busy?"

She got up and pressed the blinking green button by her door, "not at all"

"You mind coming up to you-my cabin" he stuttered.

"Is everything alright?" She asked, concerned.

"Yes. I have something for you" he said.

"I'll be right up" she said, her heart jumped in her chest nervously.

The entire trip up the elevator, she replayed their conversation from just an hour before. How he'd looked at her. It was a longing for something. The way he said her first name and how she felt a jolt when he said it. She both hated and loved the way he looked at her. She hated it because it made her feel like she was weak, in need of his protection. She loved it because there was a mystery behind it, he didn't look at anyone else like that. In the midst of her contemplating the elevator doors opened. She walked up to Garrus's door and knocked. Moments later the Turian stood in front of her with a box. Shepard looked up at him questioningly.

"It's some of your old stuff. Thought you may want to have it in your room. May help jog some memories," he said, gesturing her to come in. They walked down the small set of stairs to the couch that hugged the wall in his room. Shepard sat next to him and began to dissect the box. He pulled out a couple of model ships; the only one she recognized was the Normandy. He began naming ships like the Flotilla the Quarians lived on, a Turian ship from their fleet, and the Ascension. He still kept a few on the wall. When he received no response he continued through the box revealing a chess table she'd received from omega as a…"gift from an unlikely ally" Garrus had put it. Shepard smiled and let him continue. He pulled out a...head...also a gift from a friend. Shepard stared at it, not sure if she should be intrigued or grossed out. She reached her hand out to touch it and it shrieked at her. She felt her heart do a jumpstart in her chest.

Garrus dropped the head back into the box, "spirits, are you alright, Shepard?" he had taken her shoulders. His head was close to hers when she looked up at him. She cracked a smile and laughed.

"Was not expecting that to happen" she said, amused. Garrus looked relieved as he released her.

"Vega loves that thing, he begged you to bring it on the ship," he said to her.

"That's great" she said, wiping a tear from her eye. "Thanks, Garrus" she said, smiling at him.

"Anytime, Shepard" he said. He folded the box shut and placed it on the coffee table. Shepard placed her hands in her lap and saw the bed was made neatly. The desk she had passed had a steady pile of data pads on it along with weapons scattered under the table. On another desk next to the sofa, a picture frame was turned down and held nothing else but a lamp. Everything was in a clean chaotic state; Garrus knew where to find everything.

"Garrus, about before…" Shepard trailed, unsure of where she was going.

"Yes?" She heard a twinge of something along the lines of insecurity in his subharmonics.

"I'm sorry I put you on the spot. I'm just…" She paused again and looked into his eyes. Blue markings had been streaked on his face and this was the only time she had noticed they were in a pattern, jutting up by his eyes. "I just wish you didn't underestimate me," she said, her stare unwavering.

"Shepard, I shouldn't have underestimated you. There's nothing to apologize for. I should have had more faith in you. I lost you once and...I guess I'm afraid that can happen again" he said softly, he was nervous.

Shepard asked the one question Garrus was afraid of, "why? Why does it matter? I signed up for this" she said.

"Shepard, your death was painful...on all of us" he said, struggling to find words.

"Who was it more painful for, them or you?" She asked him, suspicious.

He let out a huge breath and avoided eye contact with her. He looked like he was somewhere else. Shepard felt uneasiness in her chest. She wondered why his voice was the only one she remembered. She wondered what connection he had to her. She couldn't catch her breath whenever he spoke about how much he cared about her. Her heart was always in her throat when she spoke with him. Why was he so special? What can explain the way her body reacts to him if her mind won't remember?

"What...were we?" Shepard asked, hesitantly. She saw his eyes close and his head dipped. His mandibles pulled in tight. She hesitated before placing her hand on his arm. His armor was cold and hard, like his expression.

Finally, he huffed and found her eyes again, "you wouldn't believe me if I told you" he said. His voice was a sad version of amused.

"I've been told a lot of things that I shouldn't believe, but I did anyway," she stood by her judgement stubbornly. She brought her hand up to his face, tracing out his markings. Most humans would be nervous to be this close to a Turian. She felt nothing but comfort. He didn't flinch away from her; just patiently let her explore his face. The plates on his face were hard and rigid, very much unlike a human face. She found what she felt almost beautiful.

"I...can't tell you" he sounded like he had just been punched in the gut. His mandibles loosened at her touch.

"You can," she whispered. Shepard felt her heart pounding inside her body like a lion trying to break out of its cage. She leaned into him, her forehead nearly touching his, and she felt him lean away. She stopped, well aware of his rejection. Garrus stood up and faced away from her.

"You should go," he said attempting to sound cold. She saw right through him.

"Not before I get some answers," Shepard said, standing her ground. Huffing, sick of beating around the bush, she stood up and he let her turn him around. His eyes looked at the top of her head, "please" she begged him. This time he was the one to place both of his hands against her face.

"What do you think?" He asked her as she placed her hands on top of his.

"I loved you" she said. It wasn't a question nor a confident statement. She just knew from all of what she had learned from him. It was the only positive conclusion she could come to. His expression didn't change.

"And I loved you" he said to her. She felt her breath catch. Then, everything went black,


	6. Obligations

_A/N: Pure Garrus/Femshep goodness in this chapter! I will get back to the rest of the crew in the next chapter. Until then, enjoy!_

Jane Chapter 6

 _There were voices, fading in closer and closer. They sounded familiar. She tried to move parts of body but they simply stayed where they were. It wasn't like waking up from the coma. She didn't feel awake. She felt drowsy, unsettled. She tried to remember something, anything. But all she could remember was going up to Garrus's cabin then blank. Her vision became clear and though she felt all of her limbs, she was at the mercy of watching through her eyes as someone else. Then her mouth moved and words spoke from them, words she hadn't thought of and even comprehended for that matter._

 _"I understand what you're going through-but do you really want to kill him?" Shepard asked. She had looked over and a disgruntled Garrus was sitting next to her. He looked different; the side of his face had birthed fresh scars. His eyes were forward, not looking at hers. In a cold glare, she felt a shiver run up her spine. He was someone else, not the person she had grown to know so well._

 _"I appreciate your concern," he looked at her and she wish he hadn't. If looks could kill, she would have been dead in that moment. He had enough of whatever she was fighting him with. Why not kill whoever it is? Why is it her problem? Garrus looked away back into the alley, "but I'm not you" he voice and subharmonics were indifferent to her worries._

 _She felt something, a feeling or emotion that wasn't hers per say but the other her who was controlling the body. "This isn't you either" she sounded just as indifferent as he did. She willed his eyes to hers, to try and convince him there was another way._

 _He scoffed at her, "really? I've always hated injustice. The thought that Sidonis could get away with this…" He trailed off for a moment. She knew that look, like he was trying to keep himself composed. She had never seen this Garrus before and she was caught off guard to be acting so angry about anything and to her in the first place. The Shepard in the dream didn't seem so upset by his belligerence to her. Garrus continued, "why should he go on living while ten good men lie in unmarked graves?" He asked her. So that's why he wanted this Sidonis killed? He was the reason behind those men and their deaths? Shepard always believed in second chances, at least the one who controlling the body was. The Shepard who didn't have a memory was not too sure. For Garrus, she would let him get the job done. "I'm sorry, Shepard. Words aren't going to fix this problem" his eyes looked forward to the alley, calculating what his next move was. Her job would be to distract Sidonis and Garrus would use his sniper from a balcony nearby. She desperately tried to take control of the body but she was a mouse in a cage, watching the scene play out in front of her and experience the feelings a different version of herself._

 _Shepard found herself walking into the street, scattered with civilians. Her hand ached for the three guns she had slung on her back. As far as she could tell, she was alone. Garrus did a radio check with her and they confirmed. He then pointed out Sidonis to her. She tried to command her arm to stay down but she gestured over the nervous looking turian._

 _"Let's get this over with," Sidonis muttered, looking paranoid._

No _, she thought panicked. She could feel a sniper at her back, knowing Garrus could pull the trigger. She could feel the dream Shepard aware of his presence but unafraid._

 _"_ you're in my shot, move to the side _" Garrus nearly barked in her ear. He was hungry for revenge. This wasn't him. If she could tense she would have. The dream Shepard stood stubborn between Garrus' sniper and Sidonis._

 _"Listen, Sidonis, I'm here to help you" Shepard said. She was calm but also had a menacing undertone._

 _The turian looked taken back by her statement, "don't ever say that name aloud" he nearly begged her. His eyes looked around, checking for foul man, the caged Shepard thought._

 _"I'm a friend of Garrus'. He wants you dead, but I'm hoping that won't be necessary," the dream Shepard almost knew where the snipers range was and moved her head in tandem with Sidonis'._

 _"Garrus? Is this kind of joke…?" He shifted from one foot to the other. This was a turian habit they did whenever they were nervous._

 _"_ Damn it, Shepard, if he moves I'm taking the shot _" she could feel her friend behind her seething through his radio._

 _As if he had heard the radio chatter, the realization of the situation settled in his expression. His eyes widened and mandibles pulled in tight. "You're not joking are you? Screw this; I'm not sticking around here to find out. Tell Garrus I've got my own problems," he spat at her and began walking away._ No! _Shepard thought and forced her arm to reach out to him and grabbed his._

 _"Don't move," she growled at him, clenching tight. He yanked his arm away._

 _"Get off of me!"_

 _"I'm the one thing standing between you and a hole in the head" she whispered to him low and cold. She saw Sidonis break under his hard exterior, cussing. His cover had been blown and he had a red dot spotted on his head. Shepard forced herself between the avenger and his prey. She kept him talking; hoping Garrus was listening to his guilt-ridden existence. He performed the betrayal out of fear, only thinking for his own life, not the life of his squad mates or his leader. Shepard nearly wanted to shoot him herself but she knew that some people are better at being civilians, doing jobs that didn't involve so much harsh reality or decisions. He had unfortunately chosen the wrong occupation. Although if he had refused to join Garrus or even just not follow through on his betrayal, would any of his other squad mates have done the same? He lives with his decisions every day of his life. Shepard hit her radio spoke softly, hoping for one last chance at mercy from her vigilante friend, "you gotta let it go, Garrus. He's already paying for his crime."_

 _"He hasn't paid enough. He still has his life…" The dream Shepard could feel Garrus' harsh demeanor failing. The stone cold wall he had built between them since the beginning of mission began to crumble._

 _"Look at him, Garrus. He's not alive. There's nothing left to kill" she forced back to him._

 _Garrus paused before letting his voice pull through the radio, "my men...they deserved better…" He sounded angry but his subharmonics said otherwise. There was grief in them and guilt. Guilt for not being there when he was needed. Everyone makes mistakes, Shepard had thought inside her mind._

 _"Tell Garrus…I guess there is nothing I can say to make it right…" Sidonis scrambled for words, only becoming fully aware in that moment of the sniper pointed at him. Garrus paused once more. Shepard heard a tired huff and knew she had won._

 _"Just go, tell him to go" Garrus exclaimed._

 _Shepard warned Sidonis of the second chance he had been given and before one thing could lead to another he was walking away alive. Shepard looked up at Garrus. He had shoved his rifle on his back and was walking away. If she had control of her heart, it would be beating rapidly in a heat of panic. Shepard knew what was coming. The anger that she had only seen hints of since the time she woke up. Still, she couldn't understand how the person controlling her body was so calm and collected. She waited by the sky car and saw the surprisingly tame turian approach her._

 _"I know you want to talk about this but I don't," he said firmly. After seeing her expression of certainty, he added "not yet." They continued to talk about how choices pertaining to the ones they cared about were never the easy ones. Each time he voiced his doubts; she caught them and reassured him that he was doing the right thing. Garrus began to soften to Shepard and her reassurances, even telling her he could still see some good in Sidonis. Shepard smiled the tiniest of smiles._

 _He looked passed her, at something far away. It may have been something that wasn't there at all. A memory? "It's so much easier to see the world in black and white" he muttered. His expression flickered to something that resembled confusion and pain. "Grey? I don't know what to do with grey,"_

 _"You gotta go with your instincts," Shepard replied simply._

 _"My instincts are what got me into this mess," he murmured._

 _Shepard felt her own instincts act up inside her and the dream Shepard followed them, giving him a comforting nudge on the arm, "don't be so hard on yourself."_

 _"Thanks, Shepard...for everything" were the last words she heard before she felt the world around her plunge back into darkness_

•••

Shepard had the same blank expression on for the past five minutes. Garrus had feared her response to the confirmation of their former relationship. At first he tried to talk to her and coax her out of that look she had on her face. Finally she closed her eyes and went limp. He caught her before she could hit the floor. With a deep breath, he placed two fingers on her neck and waited. Her heartbeat was there, slower and faint but steady. She was having some kind of episode in her mind. Was her memory coming back? Would she wake up? How did he wake her up? Garrus carried her to the bed. He should have put her on the mattress and pulled covers over her but he couldn't let her go. He resisted the urge to shake her, beg her to wake up. Garrus knew that response was not the best solution. He had never seen this kind of panic attack before in his life and he'd seen plenty from C-Sec and the battle field. She breathed faintly through her nose. The former commander remained very still. He brought his hand up to her face and held her cheek. It was warm and soft, and brought back so many memories.

"You have a hell of a way following orders from me," she remained unresponsive, "when I said come back alive, I meant in one piece. You lost the most important part of yourself. The piece that made you what you were," his chest tightened, but the talking was helping, maybe not her but he was getting to say how he felt. He moved another hand to her blonde hair and stroked it softly. He had never seen it that long; she looked different but not in the worst way. "I know It's not your fault. You try so hard to be like your former self. It's almost like you don't even try sometimes," he paused and there was still no response. He felt his breath shake ever so faintly. His chest kept getting heavier, feeling the crushing force of the burden he had been carrying, "I should have gone with you. Damn it. Why did you leave me behind, Shepard? I could have made it," his subharmonics broke under his voice, "even if I didn't, I'd die protecting you a thousand times, a thousand different ways. You didn't deserve this" the defeat he felt was heavier than anything he had felt in a long time.

He felt like he could almost cry like humans and asari. That wasn't his style, he thought humorlessly. Instead, he wrapped his arm around her waist and kept a hand to her cheek. He placed her head on his chest, holding her. It was like hugging a living breathing doll. Her hands remained at her sides while he held her. He nuzzled his face into her hair and breathed. She still smelled like her, that Normandy smell combined with her natural scent. It was home to him. The only person ever to break through his cold exterior. She had taught him that there was more to life than vengeance. Mercy was sometimes a better solution. Violence didn't always create peace. Peace was not always kept with more peace. What matters is the lives they saved. Preservation of all life. Whatever the cost. Yet, here she sat. Alive, healthy, and ready to battle despite her circumstances. She didn't want to be a shell of her old self rather a body of her own self. She was truly remarkable. How could he still care for her when she didn't know what they were? He wasn't sure but nothing had faded, he still knew what he wanted. Even if she never came back, he would always be waiting. "Spirits, Shepard," he murmured, his subharmonics didn't even pick up on his voice. Shepard stirred ever so gently, Garrus's hands tightened but he fought to relax them. Her breathing was turning to normal. Placed both his arms on her back, fully embracing her. Her head nudged against his chest, he looked down at her.

"Shepard, are you-?"

Shepard answered him with a soft snore. He shut his mouth and held her tighter instead, waiting patiently for her to regain her consciousness.

•••

 _Shepard had found herself walking to the main battery a few days after the mission. The Shepard who couldn't control the body watched from the inside of her eyes. She didn't remember any of this but it was her eyes and her body and her voice and her mind. She devoured the memory, hoping for some kind of recognition. Eventually instead of struggling to regain a sense of control, she watched and tried to recollect the memory in front of her. She saw and heard the other Shepard's thoughts. She couldn't help but wrestle thoughts circling Garrus. Did she miss something from the mission? There was something left unfinished._

 _The door opened to the turian, head dipped into his work. Shepard bit her lip, contemplating whether it was a good time to talk to Garrus about what had happened. He heard the door open and his blue eyes met hers._

 _"Shepard," he greeted her with a nod of the head._

 _"You got a minute?" She asked, lacing her fingers behind her back._

 _"Sure, just killing time anyway" he said, sounding a lot better than he had. She felt a sense of relief as they sparked an immediate conversation. "I wanted to thank you again for your help with Sidonis" he expressed gratefully. He continued to tell her that he knew that whatever was thrown at them, he'd be ready and he knew she could get the job done._

 _She smiled and tightened her hands behind her back, "I couldn't have done it without you Garrus" she said._

 _"Sure you could, not as stylishly of course" he shrugged and she could have sworn he grinned. Garrus expressed his concern over a suicide mission they were approaching and started planning ways to help the crew with easing tension. Her brows furrowed as her thoughts turned to their impending doom. They had to stop the collectors but she couldn't help but feel the fear and doubt consume her._

 _"You alright, Shepard?" Garrus had stopped when he saw her expression. She snapped her attention back to him._

 _"Yeah, I'm fine" her voice cracked and she winced._

 _"Something is bothering you," he said to her._

 _"It's just…" She saw Kaidan, sneering at her and turning his back on her on horizon. The first time she had seen him in two years. She felt her heart drop in her chest. She had failed him. She never let anyone see how she felt. The doubt. Garrus had seen past her and she felt like she didn't want to hide around him. She wanted to tell him everything, the alienation she felt in her own organization, the lack of sleep she got at night, the Normandy blowing up before her eyes, the pain of losing her crew. He was the last one in the galaxy she trusted whole-heartedly. "I need to know I'm making the right choices. Am I really doing what's best for the future of humanity? Of everything that has to do with the reapers?" She placed her hands on the rail in front of her and looked down at the floor, avoiding looking at her turian friend. She was embarrassed._

 _"You're allowed to have your doubts, Shepard. I know I do working for Cerberus," he said to her, leaning on the rail next to her, "but I'm not here for them" he said as she turned to him, "I'm here for you, to stop the collectors," he paused before continuing, "I'm with you" he placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed._

 _She grinned up at him. Her doubts seemed to fade at that point. She could always go to him for a good pep talk. How come she never appreciated the little things Garrus said or did? She truly couldn't do this without him. "There's something else," he stated. How did he do that? Was she that easy to read? Shepard huffed and walked over to the opposing wall. There was something else, she couldn't figure it out._

 _"I'm not sure" she spoke honestly. "There's something different about you" she bit down on her lip, regretting the words. She didn't know what she was saying._

 _"Or maybe there's something different about us," he said slowly. That's it. There was something different. They speak so freely around each other. Garrus had opened up to her now more than he had two years prior._

 _Her heart thudded against her chest nervously, "perhaps" she uttered. She'd never been scared or even nervous around Garrus. Kaidan was different; they'd shamelessly been flirting for a while until they were in bed together. She felt a hesitation towards her feelings for Garrus, as if they'd been wrong. He wasn't like her. Turian and human relationships were rare, if existent at all. She wasn't sure if her feelings could be explained. Garrus was her friend, someone who was there with her from the start. She cared about what happened to him more than she should._

 _"So what does this mean?" He asked his subharmonics resembled apprehension. Shepard took a deep breath and walked back towards him. His mandibles were pulled in tight. He wasn't sure if he knew what he wanted to hear it seemed. She ringed her five fingers through his three fingers._

 _"I'm willing to try if you are," she said, squeezing their hands._

 _He chuckled, an odd sound coming from Garrus of all people, "didn't know you had a weakness for men with scars."_

 _Shepard smirked in response, "you said it yourself, some women find facial scars attractive."_

 _"Krogan women," he corrected._

 _She laughed softly and saw that he was avoiding the matter at hand, "what do you say?" She asked._

 _The humor erased from his face and he let go of her hand. Shepard had been rejected before plenty of times but that stung. She didn't let any of the hurt show on her face. "I-...you know if we could make it work…I would" he sounded doubtful._

 _"But…?" She asked him_

 _"Look Shepard, I know you can find something closer to home" he said it like he was trying to chastise her. How dare she be attracted to the avian alien when there were perfectly good humans out there._

 _"I don't want something closer to home," last time she did that, the one she cared most for walked away when she needed him the most, "I want you. I want someone I can trust" she said, a small smile on her lips._

 _If turians could smile, Shepard was pretty sure Garrus was. His mandibles pulled away, a loose gesture. "I can do that. I just may need to do a little research, figure how to make this work"_

 _"You're sure about this? I don't mean to pressure you, Garrus" she said softly._

 _He took her hand back then and ringed their fingers together, reassuring her. "Shepard you're the only friend I have left. I don't want to pretend I have a fetish for humans," Shepard cracked out a laugh, "but this isn't about that. This is about us" his voice echoed. Shepard returned to blackness as the memory ended._

•••

With a huge intake of air, Shepard opened her eyes. Blue armor is what she saw...and drool. Mortified, she scraped her hand across her mouth. Garrus was holding her on his lap in an awkward embrace. Her eyes were heavy and sensitive and she took in her environment; her old cabin sitting on her old bed. With the memories stored and new information written down on her chalkboard, she felt more justified in defining what is or used to be hers.

She looked up at the turian who was holding her. His expression was guarded, what had she done? Her eyebrows furrowed and she felt a crease in her forehead.

"Garrus? Are you alright?" She asked him.

"Am I alright?" He sputtered at her, "are you alright, Shepard? You just lost consciousness and you ask if I'm okay?" He asked, sounding mad.

"I did? I thought I just fell asleep" she was confused as she processed his expression.

"What's the last thing you remember?" He asked her. He pulled her onto the mattress. She pulled her knees to her chest.

"I was on the elevator on my way up here…" Then she remembered the rest, right to when she fainted, "you...you said you loved me...or had...and I did too…" She rubbed her scalp, frustrated at the knowledge she was still reeling in before she lost consciousness.

"You skipped a couple parts but yes, thank the spirits" he placed his own hand on his fringe.

"Garrus...I-...I saw," she tried to formulate her words as to her experience in her dream. She looked up at him with the word she did know, "memories" she said.

"What did you remember?" He asked frantically.

"I didn't...remember them per say. It was more I was an outsider looking in. It may not have even been a memory, maybe my own imagination," she spoke with doubt dripping in her voice.

"What did you see?"

"Sidonis, stopping you from killing him," she gave him the short version of the memory.

Garrus watched her and nodded. "Yes, you stopped me from making quite possibly one of my most regretful decisions" he sounded pained just thinking about it.

"And after," she paused, gnawing on her lip. Her heart beat slow and nervously in her chest, "when we decided to try," she felt her gut burn at the words. She was afraid to look up at him. "You still don't have a fetish for humans?" She asked him.

A small laugh left his mouth and she watched him as his eyes softened, "maybe one of them can be an exception" he used the same tone as the memory. She felt her heart fluttered and she beat down the hope. Did she love him or did she love the memory? She felt heavy with the thought. She wasn't sure about love yet. If she was meant to love Garrus even now, she would need to fall all over again. She cared for him enough however to not want anybody else.

Shepard felt a cold, scaled finger smooth out her forehead. She sighed and knew it should feel odd but it didn't; his touch. When he held her, she felt like that was the most familiar thing she had experience in a long time. he moved his hand to hers and held it in both of his.

"Shepard, you know you're free to your choices," he said softly

"What?" She asked, feeling a hurt creeping into her gut.

"Listen, I don't want you to feel like you have to be with me. Whether it be out of guilt or the memories themselves" he said slowly, trying to get her to listen.

"But-"

He interrupted her with a thumb to her mouth, the two other fingers caressed her face, "there's no rush, Shepard. I'm always going to be here. If you need to figure out your feelings, I'd rather you did that then lead yourself with false assumptions that your feelings for me are still intact," his subharmonics produced a painful undertone.

He was right, she thought. If all of the things she could take out of her other life, love was the most complicated of them all. Garrus was alive, living and breathing. She could have woken up to a world with no one, all of her friends and family gone. She'd rather lose her memory a hundred times than wake up to a future with no one. But that brought another, more painful thought into her mind. "We could die tomorrow, Garrus" she murmured.

"Shepard,"

"We could. I could die knowing that I never gave you any sort of closure. This isn't fair to you" Shepard felt guilt run in her veins and couldn't stand the thought of hurting Garrus.

"You can't decide that you love me overnight, Shepard"

"I didn't. My past decided it for me" then she realized she had said the wrong words.

"That's exactly why I can't be with you right now" he exclaimed, leaving her side. He rubbed the back of his neck and turned away from her.

"Garrus, you know that's not what I meant"

"Then what did you mean?" He shot back at her.

An unexpected emotion filled her. "Out of all the things I could have remembered from my past life: my name, my job, my face, I remember you. That's all I woke up to. You, telling me to stay alive. It means that while my past doesn't define who I am now, it does define the love I had for you. It was stronger than anything the reapers could have taken away from me," she said in a low voice, seething with anger and frustration.

"'Had' is the key word, Shepard. That was then and this is now"

"Did you stop loving me when I left you behind?" She asked him, poking at a sensitive subject. He turned to her and she could see she had hit him. Anger was in his eyes. She continued, "Did you stop loving me when you thought I was a corpse rotting the rubble of my demolished planet? Did you stop loving me when they told you my memory was gone?" She asked him, nearly taunting him. "Feel that? Hurts doesn't it?" She was nearly sadistic in her tone. He broke and took her shoulders hard. He thrust her against the wall and breathed down her face. She felt her spine rattle in place and a pain shot up back.

"You're seriously going to doubt what I feel for you? After everything we've been through?" He growled at her. Despite her heart jumping out of her chest, she didn't feel threatened by him, Garrus would never hurt her.

"The doubt is what hurts me every day. The only thing that I haven't doubted was the fact that you are important to me. Shouldn't that be enough?" She asked him.

"I'm trying to give you freedom, Shepard. Don't love me because you have to." He dipped his head, trying to calm himself down.

"You're right. You are giving me freedom. Right now, there's no one else like you to me." She said, picking her words to make sure they were the absolute truth.

"How can I know, Shepard? How can I know this is what you want?" He was frustrated but his undertone gave away his pain.

"You can't," she said, "all I can ask you to do is trust me," she took his face in her hand, "I'm with you" she said to him.

The turian didn't speak but rather he took her tight in his arms and she could feel her airways get cut off. His shaky breath was on her shoulders. Nevertheless, she wrapped her arms around him and accepted his embrace. "Damn it, Shepard" he croaked into her shoulder. She clutched the back of his neck and shoved his face in her neck. She shivered at his mouth plates so close to her pulse. "Damn it, I love you" he growled, and pulled tighter. Her heart nearly stopped in her chest. Shepard couldn't tell if it was from the crushing force from Garrus' hard exterior or the fact that he said he loved her. Either way, she felt electricity running through her from their entire exchange. Then she started seeing spots in her vision and groaned his name in suffocation. He loosened his grip on her enough so she could breathe. "Why do you do this to me?" he grumbled.

"Because I clearly don't care for my wellbeing and love to get your blood boiling" she said into his ear.

Amazingly, he huffed a low chuckle into her neck. Goosebumps began popping up on her skin at the gesture. "You were always good at that." He enclosed her in his arms once again and felt him stroking her hair. Shepard was always nervous that Garrus was never going to accept her as what she was, a woman who was lost in her own mind. She was never more happy to be wrong. When he told her he loved her, he wasn't talking to the old Shepard, he was speaking to her, the Shepard that lived.

"Garrus, I-" she began

"Don't say it." She looked up at him confused. "Don't say it until there's nothing left to doubt," he told her.

She smiled but it didn't reach her eyes, "I won't," she promised.

He then released her and gestured for them to sit on the bed. Shepard sat Indian style and folded her hands in her lap. "Now, I'm sure you have a lot of questions" he said to her.

"You have no idea" she groaned.

"Ask away"

"You'll tell me the truth?" She asked

"Do you doubt me?"

"No it's just...it was always watered down at the hospital" she muttered, her hands folded tight.

"I promise to tell you the whole truth" he vowed.

"Okay," she sighed and started putting back together the pieces of her past.


	7. Smooth as Silk

_A/N: it's late and my hair smells like coconut. Enjoy, loves! Xoxo_

 _-Also, please excuse the editing/grammar mistakes, I'm still using my phone to write this thing!_

Jane Chapter 7

"Alright, Shepard. Focus your energy," Kaidan said to her. It was mid-day cycle in the shuttle bay. After leaving Garrus' cabin in the later part of the night cycle, she slept in for a little bit. Eventually she found Kaidan in the mess hall and he offered to help train her biotics. Shepard had her hands loosely spread out, blue energy radiating off her fingers. The silky biotics shot out of her fingers into a blanket around her and Kaidan. The force field wavered; it wasn't like the perfect semi-circle he had shown her. Feeling the silk turn into Velcro she began to huff, sweat dewing on her forehead. "Shepard."

"What?" She burst out a little too loudly.

"Relax," he murmured, placing his hands on her shoulders. His thumbs slowly dug into the backs of her shoulders and she felt an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. Nevertheless, she took a deep breath and pulled at the biotics again. Slowly, the force field took its shape into the half-sphere. She looked over at Kaidan and grinned. "That's it," he encouraged. Carefully, Shepard coaxed another layer of biotics over the field. She kept adding layers until all of the sudden; dumbbell was throw at her and Kaidan. The force field shattered like cheap plastic. They looked over to see Jack walking over to them, her biotics fading.

"Well that's a crappy force field if I ever saw one" the tattooed biotic sneered.

"She's still learning, Jack" Kaidan defended her.

"The only way Shepard will learn is if she is thrown into battle" Jack stated, looking at Shepard as she approached.

"There's no battles that were heading for that we know of"

"That we know of," she emphasized, "don't be stupid, Alenko."

"I'm not pushing her past her limits," he growled,

"So you're letting your ex speak for you now, Shepard?" Jack turned her attention fully to her former commander.

"Jack, you were hired to train me. You want to push me? Let's go," Shepard said, her smile turning wicked. She shook off the ex-comment, knowing full well that Kaidan used to have feelings for her. One of the questions she had Garrus answer for her.

"But Shepard…" Kaidan warned cautiously,

"I'll be fine" she said, brushing him off. Jack cocked her head towards the center of the room. They stood a few feet apart from each other.

"Hey Vega, you got a radio?" Jack called over to James.

"Sure do," James said, turning up the volume on his Omni tool. An electric pulsing beat came out of the radio and Jack began bouncing slightly.

"Now that's what I'm talking about! Alright Shepard," Jack turned her attention back to her opponent, "my teaching styles are rather...unorthodox. Do you remember anything about me or my abilities?"

"Nope. Sorry"

"Don't fucking apologize. I'm basically the most dangerous human biotic there is. I'm a Cerberus experiment gone wrong and right. Wrong because I refused to be their fucking slave. Right because I'm a badass biotic now," Jack smirked evilly.

"And your teaching is unorthodox why?"

Jack huffed out a laugh, "I thought you'd never ask." She began to glow blue and Shepard assumes a defensive position, "get ready" she yelled as her biotics shot out and grabbed ahold of her. Shepard coughed as it cut off her airways. The pulsing blue energy lifted her off the ground, her stomach facing the ceiling. Shepard struggled to break free but the energy only wrapped around her like a boa constrictor. She yelped out through the discomfort.

"Jack! What do you think you're doing!?" Shepard heard Garrus' voice from across the room.

"Take one more step and I drop her, Vakarian" Jack roared, "tell me Shepard, do you remember what this move is called?" Shepard failed to answer as she couldn't breathe, "come on, it was one of your favorites!" She groaned. Shepard felt the biotics stop moving her and she was sustained high above the ground. "It's called slam," and in that moment the biotics forced her down into the floor at full throttle. The hard linoleum blew into her spine and Shepard let out a small squeal.

"Shepard!" Garrus called to her. His voice was in agony. She shook with shock from the impact, convulsing from the affliction. Trembling, she got to her knees, breathing heavily, trying to regain composure. Jack stood, her arms crossed glowing blue. Her eyes had even turned blue. There was a barrier behind her, Garrus, Cortez, Vega, and Tali stood in it. Garrus slammed his fist into it. Tali grabbed his arm and shook her head at him. Shepard got onto her feet, waving off her former lover.

"You can't always protect me. I need to learn" she coughed. Her head spun but she was able to redeem her stability. Shepard sucked in a deep breath and found her tranquility. Her biotics flowed around her like water. The hairs on her head and neck stood up with the energy. Shepard assumed a defensive position. "Jack" she called out, "bring it on before I kick your ass" she tantalized.

She beamed mercilessly, "now you're talking." Then she was gone. Shepard's heart dropped as she looked around hastily. Jack appeared in front of her, the biotic energy kicked her off her feet. Shepard retaliated but only in time for Jack to block her fists. They fought in tandem, blocking each other's attacks physically. Shepard began forgetting about her biotics. That was a big mistake. As Shepard began to punch through jack's teeth, the blue energy stopped her hand in place. Furiously she tried to break free. "Stop using your fists. Use your powers, Shepard" Jack growled.

Shepard tried to obey focusing all of her energy to create a field in front of her but Jack broke through it. Her opponent took the advantage and threw Shepard to the other side of the room. The moment her head hit the ground she saw black. She fought against the blackness this time, she'd come too far to be knocked out. There were voices calling out her name, muffled and echoing. Her vision was blurry when she managed to get her eyes opened.

"Get up, Commander!" Jack's faint voice called to her.

"I can't...don't-...don't call me that" Shepard croaked.

"I'll call you whatever the fuck I want. On your feet, Commander!"

Shepard groaned, fighting off the disorientation. She heard her shields regenerate and then the vision hit her like a ton of bricks. It was a memory, trapped in her own body once again. She felt her biotics, silky and as smooth as they had ever been. She was fighting something. All she could see was herself. She was fighting a clone maybe? Her old self and her clone fought with grace and agility. They were nearly a blur. As she watched herself in combat, she felt the power inside her. Her muscles commanded her to use them. In that moment she didn't feel like she was watching a memory, she felt as though she were in it. Letting her biotics take control of her limbs and fighting off her predator. She gave one final push of energy and the clone disappeared.

She hadn't realized she had stood up in the middle of the room. Her powers cascaded in her veins, unlike anything she had felt from her biotics. She finally had learned how to let go of the control and allow her powers to grow to their full extent. The energy emitted from her head, hands and chest. Her hair was lifting up again, becoming weightless.

Shepard then felt herself move at light speed in front of Jack and began pulsing the blue lights from her fingers. Jack retaliated but was taken by surprise in Shepard's sudden skill. Everything seemed to move in slow motion and she could see her opponent's counter attacks before she could. Jack lost her footing and Shepard took the advantage throwing her over her shoulder, slamming her into the ground. Jack coughed, her back arching from the shock. Shepard summoned all of her energy and focused it in her fist. She let out a long wail as she felt herself lift in the air and smashed her fist into the ground beside Jack. The linoleum tile cracked and created a wave-like effect. A blue aura shot out of her and followed the wave, throwing Jack from her original position on the floor. She crashed into a rack of Dumbbells. Shepard's shields then shattered as she dropped to her knees. Exhaustion followed and Shepard nearly fainted. She breathed heavily, trying to regain her strength. Her powers ceased their control over her and she sat there, weakened by the attack.

Jack emerged from the workout equipment. She didn't look furious, that would be an understatement. Panicking, Shepard tried desperately to get her biotics back online. She only felt the faintest sensation of sandpaper on her skin. Damn it, she thought.

"How the hell did you do that?!" Jack nearly bellowed.

"I just...I had a memory"

"A memory? Your muscles couldn't remember horseshit before. Now you're telling me that you had a memory and you magically remembered how to use your biotics?"

"I wish I could explain it, Jack. I can't. My muscles remembered and I just went with it."

Jack huffed and began to flow again. "Whatever it is, you still need to be trained. Let's go"

Shepard gave her a stern nod and pulled at the silk once more.

•••

"What?!" Shepard exclaimed. She was sitting on the cold, metal of the examination table. Ice packs were settled on her knees and shoulders. Jack had worked her until she had no energy left to summon he biotics. Dr. Chakwas had kept her in the med bay in order to restore her hydration and ease up her muscles. Shepard sat in shock with the doctor's proposal to take her off her prescription sleeping pills. "Why!?" She nearly shook.

"Shepard," she referred to her in her last name now, "you have enough going on, the last thing I want is you possibly getting addicted to prescriptions."

Shepard rolled her eyes, "but, Doctor. I haven't slept without them since I woke up that first night," she shivered, pulling away from the horrific memories.

"I know, but you've been on this ship for nearly a week now and have grown more accustomed to it. Your memories are even resonating. You haven't had another attack, I'm thinking what's the worst that can happen if we push our luck?" She shrugged.

"I could break down again?! My biotics could act up and I…" Shepard trailed off, biting her bottom lip. She twiddled her thumbs, not wanting to admit the fear of her dreams to her doctor. "I don't want to risk it" she said squeezing her eyes shut.

Chakwas was silent for a few moments before taking her hand, "one night?" She asked. Shepard cracked open her eyes to her doctor's concerned expression. She was truly worried about addiction.

"Of all the things you could worry about me dying from…" Shepard muttered, "fine, I won't take them tonight" she admitted, giving in.

Chakwas smiled in relief, "and if it doesn't work, we go right back on the prescription."

Shepard merely nodded when joker announced over the intercom, "t-minus 5 minutes to the relay."

She began to get up and the doctor held her down, "Shepard you need to rest."

"Please, Karin? I want to see what the relays look like...again" she added the last part hesitantly.

"You were never the most cooperative patient. Fine, just come back here when you're done," she said sternly.

Shepard was already throwing the ice packs off. Her body protested her quick movements to run for the elevator. Shepard winced and held her shoulder. The elevator stopped in the CIC, Traynor greeted Shepard as usual. Shepard flipped the specialist's hair as she passed by.

"Approaching the Charon Relay," joker announced, sounding uneasy. Crew members greeted Shepard as she passed, acknowledging all of them. "Initiating transmission sequence." Her heart thudded in her chest nervously. "We are…connected," the crew cheered in response. Shepard nearly jogged up the hallway that led to the cockpit. "Calculating transit mass and destination, the relay is hot." Shepard nodded to the specialists glued to their computer screen, rapidly typing into the holographic keyboards. "Secure all systems for transit," joker was also touching and moving panels on his screen. He was so focused he didn't notice Shepard enter the room. Garrus stood behind him, his arms folded. "Requesting permission to proceed." Garrus looked back, his expression neutral as she could see the gigantic structure of the mass relay.

"Wow," she murmured. It was the most amazing piece of technology she had ever seen. The relay pointed in one direction almost like a compass with a huge sphere of energy in its center. It almost reminded her of her biotics. Two rings rotated around the sphere. Two smaller ships were out there, whatever was left over from the repairs.

"Normandy SR2, you are clear to depart" another voice said.

"All boards are green, let's do this" joker stated, determined. The blue sphere was getting closer and closer. She felt the speed of the ship pulling her back. Her breathing turned into a rapid hyperventilation. They could die here and now, all for nothing if there was something missing in those repairs. She wanted to close her eyes but couldn't look away from its magnificence. The blue enclosed the ship, hearing almost a buzzing from the relay. Space had no sound but it was impossible to deny the relay's energy. "Hitting the relay in 3...2…" Garrus grabbed Shepard's hand and squeezed at the last second. "1…," Her heart stuttered as the ship was forced forward, but just like on Earth, she wasn't knocked off her feet, only taken back a few steps. The blue around the ship ceased and the Normandy was still intact. Shepard let out the breath she was holding.

"Status report, Vakarian?" Admiral Hackett's voice emerged from Joker's computer.

"We're in one piece, passing the Mu Relay as we speak,"

"Excellent, continue towards the century system, that's where the pings seem to be coming from. I'll be expecting an update once you have left the system," Hackett then ended transmission.

"Is everyone alive?" Joker asked over the Comm. He was answered by more cheer. The pilot grinned, "welcome to Hawking Eta," he said.

Garrus released Shepard's fingers, "you okay?" He asked her.

"Yeah I mean, wow. We used to do that all of the time?"

"More than you can count"

"I kinda want to do it again"

At this, the turian chucked, "once we save the council."

"Oh alright"

Garrus turned his attention to their pilot, "good job, joker"

He waved his hand dismissively. "Please, it's what I do best." The ship began beeping, "um, incoming transmission" joker said, confused.

"I'll take it in the comm room" Garrus said, jogging back towards the CIC.

•••

Garrus hit the blinking button indicating a vid call was waiting. A holograph appeared of a Salarian dressed in a high ranking STG uniform. "Garrus Vakarian. Was not expecting you to answer," he said.

"Major Kirrahe. Aren't you a sight for sore eyes," Garrus said, "what are you doing here?"

"When Shepard got beamed up to the citadel, I was commanded by Hackett to 'get the hell out of there,'" he held up two slick fingers in air quotes. "I protested for my men's sake but he had the Salarian dalatress force me to get back to my ship. I took what men I had and made a retreat. Once the crucible hit, we traveled to hawking eta. Hackett was able to contact us and begin planning the reparations of the relay here."

"Well it's good thing you did get the hell out of there,"

"Indeed. I heard Shepard had survived and was on your mission. Why are you speaking in her place?" He asked, his face breaking into a concerned expression, rare for STG agents.

"She did however, there were complications," Garrus stated, wrapping his fingers behind his back, "she lost her memories. She doesn't have the knowledge or skill to command at this time. Therefore I'm...stepping in for her" he struggled with his words.

"I see. Tell me, was this her decision to be on this mission?"

"Completely hers. The Normandy is her home and she wanted to go wherever it went."

"That sounds like her. Despite her lack of memories, her personality and spirit seem to have survived through it," Kirrahe nodded.

"Remarkably enough, yes. We're all proud of her progress."

"I'm supposing you can't tell me about this mission you're on."

"Not on a secured channel, no sir."

"Understandable. Just know, if you need extra firepower, we're here. I have to admit, I'm starting to ache from the lack of battle" Kirrahe rubbed the back of his neck.

"If you want to follow us to the Century system, you may. I can have Hackett debrief you."

"Sounds like a plan. We shall see you soon. Kirrahe out," his image disappeared off the screen.

"ETA to the Century system: 117 hours and 23 minutes" joker promoted over the intercom. In the old days, a trip to the Century system would have taken less than 2 hours. With the lack of eezo, they need to conserve their energy and use less of the resource, making their travel long and frustrating. Garrus sighed and walked toward the CIC.

The turian found himself heading down to engineering. Tali was at her console, typing in multiple algorithms. She didn't notice Garrus' approach.

"What a successful trip through the relay. Old girl performs just like she used to," Engineer Adams noted to Garrus. Tali merely nodded as she focused on the computer screen.

"I agree, good job you guys," Garrus said.

Tali now looked back and seemed like she was about the say something when Donnelley interrupted, "yeah but now it's going to take days to reach the Century system. We need to find some more eezo or it may take longer" he said in his odd earth accent, echoing Garrus' thoughts.

"Alright, Kenneth, why don't you go out in your spacesuit and get some?" Said Daniels.

"I get queasy out there, leave it to the professionals" he answered, cocking his head towards their turian commander and Quarian boss.

"It's a shame, I would have given you a nice gift if you were to go out and look for it" Daniels let her voice sink into a lower, sensual note.

Donnelley took two seconds to process her offer and turned to Garrus, "you let me know whenever we will go out salvaging eezo, commander Vakarian"

"You got it, Donnelley." Garrus retorted. Tali turned her attention to Garrus now. "How are things down here?" He asked her.

"All systems are in check and ready to go. I have to admit I missed being down here."

"It's nice that you were able to come back to your niche. I haven't visited the main battery once since I've gotten back on the Normandy" his hands itched to modify the main guns.

"Plenty of the crew is working in there now in your place" Tali reassured.

"Yeah probably messing up all the calibrations I made. It took me two weeks to bring that gun back to its glory when I came back to the Normandy after Manae," the turian grumbled.

"you need to put more trust into this crew to get things done. Once Shepard gets her memory back, you'll be able to get back to your big gun" Tali chastised.

Garrus hesitated and Tali waited patiently. He began walking towards the huge drive core in the center of the room. Tali followed and once they were out of earshot, Garrus asked, "You really think she'll get her memory back?"

"Shepard is tough. One of the toughest women I ever worked alongside with. Even if she didn't regain her complete memory, she still has her natural leadership. She could take command of the Normandy anytime she wanted" Tali shrugged.

"You really think so?"

"Garrus, we've known Shepard for years. She lets nothing stop her from her resolve."

"I wish I had as much faith as you, Tali. I can see she struggles with what she had left behind," he let his subharmonics drop to a painful tone.

"And she never lets it show, that was always her way. Even now, she doesn't want to bring the crew's morale down" Tali said.

"I don't want her taking the burden of command until she knows exactly what she is taking on"

"Do I have so much faith? Or do you have so little?" She challenged.

"I always expect the worse, you know that"

"You need to be more confident in her. She can do this, you know that too."

"I know she can, I just… I don't want to pressure her" Garrus said, avoiding eye contact with his friend.

"What is wrong with you? It's almost like you don't want her to be commander." Garrus felt a ping in his chest. Was that it? Did he want her to retire? Hang up her gun and go somewhere far away? He took a deep breath, trying to control his thoughts. No, he wanted her in the Normandy, fighting. He wanted her as his commander once more. He hated the ship being his when it clearly belonged to her. She wasn't ready for battle. Or was he not ready to let her see battle? "Or you just can't watch her run from you again?" Tali guessed.

Garrus shut his eyes at the thought of Shepard running to the beam, leaving him behind, injured. The next time he would see her is after he was convinced she was dead and in the middle of a biotic breakdown. He couldn't watch her die anymore. "I can't lose her again," he croaked.

He felt a hand on his armor, "Garrus…" She said softly.

"I watched her die once, twice, I'm not going for a third time. I can't do it. It's not that I think she can't handle it. It's that I don't want her to handle it. I've had to stop myself so many times from begging her to take a ship back to earth, stay in the hospital and recover. But I don't want that either," he squeezed his eyes shut, fighting his internal battles.

"You do want her to go away, Garrus. You want to run away with her" Tali said gently.

"I never run. She doesn't either" he said

"But you want to. This war has torn you down. You want to be able to wake up to her every morning, knowing she is safe and you are safe. We all wish that."

"This galaxy will never not need saving. It's my duty," he shook off the ideas she was putting in his head.

"I know, it's mine too. There is nothing I want more than to go back home to a Rannoch after this. I want to run away too. It's a nice sentiment. After this, I think we all need an extended shore-leave."

"I understand what you're saying, Tali," he paused, "I can never see me and Shepard living civilian life but… It would be a nice change someday" he said, imagining the idea. Living on Earth or Palaven in a city apartment. They would look out at their restored planets, in their own civilian clothes. Shepard wearing an apron and Garrus wearing a suit. The turian coughed out a laugh, definitely not meant for civilian life. The thought is relieving though. Another memory came into his mind, "I was going to ask her to marry me you know" he said softly.

Back in the old days, Tali would have squealed, shaking him, asking him to see the ring. Now she just squeezed his arm, "It's never too late to marry the one you're meant to be with."

He just shook his head, "I'm never going to ask her to be with me like that unless we survive this with her memories intact."

"Perhaps that is best. I always knew you two would be together in the end. Even on the SR1," Tali mused.

Garrus looked at her surprised, "but she was with Kaidan. We were only friends."

The Quarian shrugged, "intuition is what the humans call it. I saw the way you talked with each other. I saw how you covered her and she covered you. What you had was there, you just didn't know it yet."

"Huh," she huffed, "I never thought of it like that."

"Glad I gave you a different perspective," he could have sworn she was grinning under her mask.

"Thanks, Tali"

"Always here, Garrus"

•••

Shepard sat in the middle of her bed. The night cycle had just begun. Her nerves kept her from sleeping. She didn't remember what natural sleep felt like. She missed it but didn't miss the dreams she had. Earlier on she had asked Liara for advice. Because of her degree in psychology, she was able to put Shepard under a hypnosis technique so she could fall asleep easier. Shepard was skeptical but willing to try anything.

Shepard turned her lights down and closed the window shutters. Laying down in her cold bed, she took deep breaths to calm herself down. With each breath, she felt sleep luring her down from her consciousness. Hypnosis, who knew? She thought.

At first there was nothing but the blackness of unconsciousness. It was relaxing and soothing. This is what she was used to with her pills.

After an indeterminate amount of time, she found herself in front of a small little girl. She looked just like her. The girl reached out her hand and touched Shepard's face. There was an uneasy feeling in her gut at this. The girl smiled regardless and looked right passed her. Her face turned to horror. Shepard looked back to see a huge, black machine with claws stretching out like a spider or an octopus maybe. It was a reaper, she recognized it from the pictures.

The girl began to run away as the most horrifying sound emerged from the machine. Shepard covered her ears and let out a Yelp. The machine opened to reveal a red beam shooting outside of the center of its head. Shepard jumped out of the way and as far as the little girl ran it wasn't enough. The sounds of her screams were drowned in the shock of the beam and her body was engulfed in red, vaporized. Shepard reached out her arm and screamed, closing her eyes.

She looked up and found herself in a dark hallway. It was the same one she had when her biotics acted it. It was stark, humid, stunk of dead, rotting bodies. She looked under her legs and saw the faces of the dead. She jumped up off of them, Mortified. Human bodies and limbs scattered the floor. Then there was a scream, a long shriek of something that couldn't be alive. It was high and only got higher. She shook off her thoughts and began walking away from the scream. She felt her feet slosh against the wet ground. She looked down at her armor and it was nearly destroyed, blood stains cracked against it. What was going on?

The screams got closer and she walked faster. Eventually she was running down the hallway, aware of the screaming pursuer. She hit a dead end and began plotting an escape route but she was corner. In the shadows approach what looked like an asari. But she was fully exposed, her body rotten. Her eyes were permanent black hollows in her face. Her teeth had been exposed. The claws on her hands and hair were sharpened and extended out. Rather than her skin being a beautiful ocean blue, it was nearly black. The asari towered over her and fear tremored throughout Shepard. The creature dropped something by her feet, a broken drone. It barely sparked when it hit the ground. It was Glyph. Something clicked in Shepard's mind, "Liara" she shuttered as she said the name. She merely screamed in her face. Tears streamed down her face and she looked away.

Shepard saw a pile of bodies that was not there before. She nearly threw up as she saw each and every one of them lying lifeless in the pile. She picked up Tali, removing her mask. Her face...it was gone. No traces of any features. Shaking she grabbed James next, nothing. Panicking she began shuffling through her crew. Javik, Cortez, Jack, Kaidan. Picking up a huge body, she knew who she would see. She turned Garrus over to see his face too was gone. She screamed at the horror that even her former lover's face was nonexistent as well. Her scream matched in tandem with Liara's mangled screech.

She looked back at the asari and she was holding a body by the head in her hand. She grinned maniacally and turned the body. She stared at her own faceless body in flames. Her shrieks were drowned out by the paralysis of the dream.

She fought through the heavy darkness and found herself staring at her ceiling. Her heart was rapid in a panic in her chest. Sweat was condensed of her forehead. She immediately turned the lights in her room. Wrapping herself in a blanket, she tried to control her breathing. Shepard got up and sat on the couch and opened her shutters to reveal the empty void of space.

Shepard wasn't sure how long she sat there but enough time to fall asleep have the nightmare all over again. The pattern continued until she looked at the clock and nearly burst into tears. It was still relatively early on in the night cycle, not late enough to get up and walk around. She shivered in her spot and got up. She couldn't stay in the room, she felt alone. She couldn't go back to sleep, she couldn't look at the faceless bodies of her crew again.

She got up and began making her way to the elevator. The mess hall was completely empty, not a sound to be heard. The elevator opened and she pressed a floor. Her heart still pounded in her chest, not sure how to calm it down.

She knocked on the door and waited a few seconds. She shivered and rubbed her hands up her bare arms. Goosebumps birthed onto her skin and she only tried to create more friction with her fingers. The air pressure released and Garrus stood in the doorway. He was in pants with no shirt on. Her eyes wandered to his chest and empty carapace. His skin looked just as hard as it did on his face. She resisted holding out her hand touching him. She shook her head.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" She asked, quietly.

"Oh no, I was working on some guns in here. Turians don't sleep as much as you humans do," he spoke gently, "are you okay?"

"I, uh," she paused, not wanting to tell Garrus about her nightmares. She didn't need him worrying more about her, "can't sleep" she finished.

"Oh," he paused, shuffling awkwardly. They hadn't spoken since the night before and the feelings may have been still raw. Nevertheless, Shepard felt her heart beat nervously inside of her chest, "why don't you come in? Maybe sleeping in your own bed will help," he extended his arm inside. She nodded meekly.

He guided her to the left side of the bed. She settled herself into the warm covers. She felt herself flush into the mattress and a pillow nestled into her back. It was certainly more comfy than her bed in the port observation room. Garrus hesitated before pulling the covered over her. She managed to lie down and he knelt beside her. She felt a hand to her face and looked over.

"Let me know if you need anything, I'll just be at the desk," he cocked his finger in the direction of the jumbled mess of weapons. Shepard nodded again, not wanting to speak much. He quickly touched his forehead to hers and went back to his station.

Shepard took a deep breath and stared up at the ceiling, there was a window that led out into space. faint FTL waves caressed the window. As she looked out into the star, she felt her eyes close and she was once again drawn into the black void of sleep.

•••

Garrus clicked the last gun into place. Done. He sighed, he had run out of work. He looked over at his picture of him and Shepard he had decided to turn back up. He smiled and looked over at her. She rested soundly in his bed, a relief. He never liked when Shepard wasn't sleeping well.

He turned off the lights in the room except for the light from the fish tank. He was always fascinated watching them swim around their tank. He settled into the couch beside the stairs and looked over at Shepard. Her hair was long and twisted around her shoulders. Her arm was cushioned beside her face. She wore a grey tank top with black shorts and the covers came up to her waist. Even though she faced away from him, her sleeping was the most peaceful picture he could think of.

Although, in that moment his perfect picture began to fade. She twitched, just like in the hospital. Garrus held his breath as he watched her being writhe in her spot. She began mumbling unintelligible words. He resisted getting up, hoping her dream would just end. Instead she started saying, "no" over and over again. As if trying to break his heart, she began saying the names of the crew. "James...Liara….Javik….Kaidan...god...no….not Garrus…" she began to shriek. Her hands went to her hair. "No! Get away from me! Stop!" She let out a gut-wrenching scream. Garrus jumped from his spot and was at her side.

She began slamming her arms into the mattress. Garrus took her arms and restrained them, "Jane, stop, it's just a dream!" he said to her, feeling her resist against him. She kept screaming. She began to sweat and his hands both went to her face, trying to calm her down, " Shepard, wake up" he said over her screams, "it's not real!" He yelled to her desperately. She began to stop resisting but tears flowed from her cheeks; real tears. Garrus rarely ever saw Shepard cry. She had always kept it together. She shook in his arms. The turian was never good at comforting or using magic words. He slid his arms around her back and held her. "It's okay" he murmured over and over again in her ear. She hiccupped against him and he pulled her tighter.

"Make it stop," she began whispering. He wasn't sure if she was awake or not but held her regardless. He ran his hand through her hair and uttered reassurances to her.

Eventually, she felt her arms return his embrace and she buried her face into the crook of his neck. She breathed heavily, getting a grip on reality. She was able to soften her breaths and soon all that could be heard was the silent hum of the Normandy. He stayed in that position, holding her for a long time. The only sign she was awake was when she was tighten her arms around him. Occasionally he would plant a kiss on the top of her head. In response she would sigh and nuzzles her head further.

Sometime after Shepard had calmed down, Garrus was able to talk to her, "why didn't you tell me you were having nightmares?"

She took a deep breath and keep her face where it was, "I didn't want to worry you" she whispered.

"Jane," he said, sighing, rocking her slightly, "you can tell me anything. I'll always be here"

"That's why I came up. Even if I was having bad dreams, I knew I wouldn't be alone when I woke up," She said, "I was hoping it wouldn't come to that though…" He shook his head against hers and said nothing. He just used his fingers to wipe the water droplets from her face. "Chakwas took me off my pills. She's afraid I'll get addicted"

"Fair enough-"

"But I can't sleep without them! Look what happened!"

Garrus pulled her face to look at his. "Shepard, I saw a lot of humans with addiction problems when I was in c-sec. The things it did to them were just…" Garrus shook his head away from the thoughts.

"Then how am I supposed to sleep?" She asked, hiccupping once more. He hugged her again and held tight.

"We'll find a way. We always do, Jane" he whispered into her ear. "And I'll always be here to bring you back" he promised her.

"You know I hate that name," Shepard mused. Before Garrus could apologize she continued, "but when you say it, there's no remorse behind it. You don't feel bad for me. You say it with more affection and love than anyone else has ever said"

Garrus smiled softly at this and couldn't stop himself from kissing her head again. "I just say it the same way you say mine."

"Guess it's because I am speaking with the truth then," she said, sounding like she was smiling. She turned in his arms and threw hers around him in a small but fierce hug. "Thank you, for everything" she said. He just held her back.

"Always," he whispered to her.

He continued to get under the covers with her. Unafraid, Shepard wrapped her arms around him again under the blanket and rested her head on his chest once more. He held onto his lover and let the lull of unconsciousness bring them both into dreamless sleep for the rest of the night.


	8. Options

Jane Chapter 8

**A/N: finished my third mass effect play through #depression**

**A/N 2: so I had this rated at T for a chapter but changed it back to M for sensual purposes in this chapter. Fluff, badassness, with a hint of smut**

Garrus awoke in the early day cycle. He looked over to see Shepard sleeping with her back to him. It had been the third night in a row shed been in his cabin, sleeping. It had become routine, she would saunter up to the door already in her comfy human clothes. He would invite her in and they would fall asleep in each other's arms. It was a start, Shepard staying committed to their past relationship had given him more hope than he would want. His eyes wandered to the lower portion of her pants that had been tugged down from all of her twisting and turning. His hand ached to reach down, hold her, feel the outline of her body. Her waist had gotten unbelievably slimmer after her hospitalization. She looked more alluring than she had before.

In that moment she contorted her body and mumbled incoherently under her breath. His blonde hair was splashed over her shoulder and blanketed her back. Gently, Garrus ran his fingers through it. The hair was silky and soft, still smelling of shampoo. He heard her sigh and she turned her body over. Garrus froze as he watched her eyes open to a sleepy ocean blue. She stared at him blankly for a few seconds before she stretched her arms out and yawned.

"Garrus?" She mumbled, still rubbing her eyes.

"Yes?"

"I…" She stretched her arms out again and pulled herself closer to him. He shivered as her nearly bare body embraced his. "These last few nights have been the best sleep I've had in a long time" she said softly.

His arms enclosed her her small shoulders and be held her. "I'm glad," he whispered into her ear. In response he felt her quiver from his breath. He took this opportunity and slid his hands under the back of her shirt, her soft skin producing small bumps as he moved his fingers. Her back arched as he did this, twisting her legs with his. He forgot how well they had fit together, like two puzzle pieces. He couldn't believe that he was even holding her like this. He rubbed his hand up and down her back, to the contours of your body. Not being able to keep his impulses under control, his mouth found the crook of her neck. He gnawed gently on the supple flesh under her jaw.

"Oh," she moaned into his ear, "Garrus" she sighed his name. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, following through on his sensual instincts. He felt a wetness in between her legs. He groaned at this and felt the bulge in his pants harden. As if trying to make matters worse, she straddled her legs on either side of his. He held her thighs and she immediately pushed herself against him.

At this he said her name. She sighed into his ear kissing up his jaw. "This is too fast, Shepard, I-Oh," he managed to say before she had nicked one of his favorite spots with her teeth,

"You want me to stop?" she asked in a sultry voice.

"Spirits no" he refused, "I missed this" moving her thighs against him.

"You may have to teach me all over again" she said taking off her thin tank top. She hadn't been wearing a bra and her breasts flowed freely.

"Shepard, are you sure-?" He couldn't finish as she had taken his hands and placed them on her breasts. He groaned in frustration and pleasure, "Damn it, Jane."

"Come on, Vakarian," she managed to start ripping off her pants, which she was wearing nothing under. He gripped her bottom, clutching onto her. He reached his other hand down between her leg and stroked. She sighed audibly, writhing against his finger. "You know this is all you've been thinking about," she then stuck her tongue down his throat. One of his fingers gripped her hair hard and held her head there like a weight. She used her hands to start ripping his own pants off. She grinded herself against him at the same time, making incredibly loud sensual sighs and groans. He was at the point of no return, he couldn't resist digging his finger inside her, listening for her animalistic noises.

Her mouth left his as she lifted herself onto him and humped. She was wet, slickening his erection, tightening her warmth around him. She was small but she fearlessly rode on him. Pleasure had overtaken him in a drunken haze and grasped at her tights again, guiding her.

"Oh Garrus," she breathed heavily, "harder."

He growled, plunging himself impossibly deeper into her. He felt her convulsing over his body. She kept saying his name louder and louder before she was screaming.

Before he could climax, his eyes shot open. His heart pounded in his chest, he was still in his cabin with Shepard beside him fully clothed. The screams and moans no longer saturated the air. It was a dream. Disappointment and frustration filled him and he silently punched the mattress. Damn it. How much he had wanted it to be real. He looked over at Shepard, sleeping soundly next him, facing towards him. Her lips were pulped open a little from the pillow. Her arm was stretched out, fingers grazing his cheek. He took her hand gently, trying not to wake her and kissed the inside of her palm. He wanted to make love to her so badly, ever since he had first seen her since waking up.

Just like that, Shepard's eyes fluttered open, they weren't filled with the lust she had before. Rather, she smiled softly.

"Good morning," she murmured, stroking her finger against his scarred cheek.

"Morning, Shepard. How did you sleep?" He asked

"Great. These last couple nights have been the best I've had in awhile," she nearly echoed the words she had said in the dream.

"That's good. Seems like we're making a habit right now"

"Is that a problem?" She asked, worried

"No, no! Not at all," he said cradling her face in his hands. "I'm happy you're sleeping better," She began to blush under his hands. They looked at each other for awhile. She stared down at his mouth then back to his eyes. What was she insinuating? She began to lean into him, he could smell her breath as she began to close the space between them. He wanted to take her then and there, make sweet and shameless love. They would lock the cabin and he would have his way with her for the entire day cycle and night. Before he could follow through on his desires, he shot up away from her and was standing. Her expression crunched in pain. What had he done?

He quickly knelt beside the bed and took her hands, "I'm sorry, Shepard"

"You're very confusing," she mumbled.

He touched his forehead to hers and held it there. He rubbed her cheek again and nuzzled against her, "It's just that..."

"Just that…?" She prompted.

"It's...too soon, Shepard. You know you have other options right?" He asked her, concealing his pain.

"If you say that one more time, I'll knock your teeth out," she said.

"You need to be sure Shepard. We only just saw each other again nearly two weeks ago."

"Do you…" She avoided his gaze, biting her lip, "do you not want me?"

"Spirits, Shepard, I do! More than you can even imagine"

"There's something stopping you then,"

"I want you to think it over-"

She grabbed his face then, "I want you, Garrus. Out of all the things I'm not sure about, this is the one thing in my gut that is right." Her eyes were made of blue fire and he smiled.

After a long pause, Garrus said, "We will in time Shepard, there's no rush." She huffed at this, dropping her hands from his face but rested them on his talons. She squeezed them and looked to him. Her eyes were pleading. He didn't budge at this.

Knowing she'd done everything she could, she got up, Garrus let their hands depart, lingering in the air. He dropped his palm back down onto his lap as she exited the room. He laid back on the bed with a long sigh. The stars and planet stayed in their same stagnant position like a painting. She'll be the death of me, I swear it, Garrus thought.

•••

Shepard missed her target by a foot and sighed, frustrated. She had not gotten a single bullseye since the one Tali had helped her with. She reloaded her shotgun, focusing on the head of the cardboard dummy. Bullet holes lined the chest, arms, and legs but nowhere near the head. She held her breath while her hand rested on the trigger.

"Both eyes open, Shepard" Tali commanded.

She opened both her eyes, not realizing she was squinting again. "Sorry" she muttered, "I thought this would be easy." She pulled the trigger, the Katana recoiled against her and the bullet hit the chin of the dummy. She growled, reloading the gun again.

"You're not focusing," Tali accused.

"I'm trying my damnest, Tali" Shepard grumbled.

"Hmmmm…." The Quarian murmured, "hold on. Hey James! Come here a minute!"

"Sure!" He jogged over to the two women, "what's up?" He asked.

"Can you do me a favor and stand in front of that dummy?"

"What now?" James asked incredulously.

"Just go" Tali waved him off.

Shepard watched nervously as Vega stood in front of the cardboard cut out, "I don't like where this is going…" He said, shifting uncomfortably.

"Don't you trust me, James?"

"Depends on if you're gonna use me as target practice for our commander who forgot how to use a gun"

Shepard felt a sting at this and shook it off. James didn't mean it that, she knew it. But it was true, she thought, she was useless with a gun. She couldn't even hold it correctly, Tali had to correct her several times. Shepard sighed and looked to Tali.

"I want you to shoot as close to his head as possible," Tali said simply

"I feel like you're making things worse for me"

"Just trust me, I'm an admiral" Tali sounded like she was grinning

"I'm not sure I do," she said. Nevertheless, Shepard brought the shotgun up in front of her. She took a deep breath through her nose. This is where it counted, one wrong twitch and James had his head shot off. Her hand was shaking on the trigger and she gulped down her anxiety. She took a few deep breaths and narrowed down her target, to the close right side of the head, by James' right ear. She pulled the trigger and shut her eyes immediately. Instead of the head splattering noise she was looking for, the bullet had hit the cardboard. She squinted one eye open and then grinned. She had shot exactly where she needed to.

"When it matters, you'll always make a precise shot," Tali said. Shepard never saw this side of her friend. She was being ruthless with her teaching styles. Almost like Jack. Did she learn the only way to get through to Shepard is by making her run before she can walk? There weren't trying to dust off her abilities, they were trying to dig them out of her.

Despite this, Shepard gruntled and reloaded, "let's go." Tali nodded and James' expression remained guarded. Shepard narrowed her target and pulled the trigger again. Once, twice, three times, each bullet hitting each spot she wanted, James flinched each time she shot at him.

"James, move!" Shepard yelled.

"Gladly!"

The moment James was out of her range, she shot the cardboard head, once, twice, three times, four times. More confident she shot at the other cardboard dummies, each vital point gave place to a new bullet hole. She kept shooting until she was out of ammo, her gun on the brink of overheating. Smoking heat sinks had scattered the floor around her.

Tali tapped on her omnitool and mechanical robots dropped from the ceiling, moving rapidly. The Quarian tossed her an avenger assault rifle. Shepard quickly reloaded and aimed for one of the mechs. Her first shot hit its shoulder. She huffed nailed it's neck. Better, she thought. The rifle barely recoiled in her hands, shooting out many more rounds than her shotgun in a reload. Shepard felt a high in her feet as she sped up in tandem with the dummies, hitting the targets on all their vital points.

Suddenly they began shooting back. Hidden compartment revealed pistols on either sides of their heads. Shepard ducked, rolling to the side, shooting their heads. She faltered in her steps when her assault rifle had also run out of ammo. The one mech in front then shot at her, clipping her shoulder. Her shields protected her but Shepard still felt a nick. Shepard yelped and jumped behind some cargo. Bullets vibrated the boxes and Shepard looked around for a way out. Tali ran over and handed her two pistols. One was white and had a strange, alien outline. The other was the pistol Tali had shown her earlier, the carnifex. She leaned around the cargo and shot at the closest mech with her carnifex. She tried to shoot with the other pistol but it only stalled with an electrical buzzing noise. She tried again and had the same result.

"Shepard, hold the trigger!" Tali yelled to her.

Shepard obeyed and felt the gun shake violently in her hands. The buzzing screeched to a new octave. Suddenly, an electrical surge exited the barrel and shocked all three of the mechs that were stalking towards her. They fell to the ground and Shepard looked at the gun in her hand then back at Tali.

"That is the arc pistol. We used it to the fight the Geth" Tali said with pride.

"The what?" Shepard asked. She wasn't sure what a Geth was.

Tali looked down, away from the former commander. "It's a long story"

"I'm willing to listen" she said gently.

The Quarian shrugged and sat down next to Shepard, giving her another puzzle piece and memories to add to her chalkboard.

•••

Shepard made it back to her room and changed into her comfy clothes. This included a soft but spandex-like pair of black shorts and a grey v-Neck tshirt. Nearly bouncing to get to Garrus' cabin, she wanted to see him. She needed to see him. She craved their time each and every night as the century system grew closer in their sights. They didn't know what they'd find on The Acension but Shepard had a bad feeling about it. She wasn't sure what drew her to the turian whether it was the little amount of time they had or the fact that her body had forgotten him and had lusted.

Whatever the reason, as she was putting on a pair of socks, there was a knock on the door

"Come in!" she called out.

Kaidan walked in, looking somber. He was in his own pajamas, a pair of puffy sweatpants and a tank top. His black hair was mussed up more than usual on top of his head. His brown eyes were tired but also sad looking. There was something he needed to get off his chest.

"You okay?" She asked, approaching her squadmate.

He took a deep breath in and out through his nose, "no I'm not, Shepard. I want to talk to you."

Shepard felt her heart in her throat. Kaidan always made her uneasy, she was never sure as to what he would say to her, especially when they were alone. "Yeah, sure. Have a seat" she gestured to the couches.

They sat and Kaidan avoided her eye contacting, staring out into the stars. He seemed to be almost calculating. Figuring out what he was going to say. His opened his mouth a few times but no words came out. Shepard picked at her fingernails, watching his face cautiously. She looked to the clock and she knew Garrus would already be expecting her. To hide her impatience, she folded her hands on her lap to keep her knees from shaking. What could he want from her? She knew that there was the possibility he could still have feelings for her but hadn't he accepted she had moved on? She took a deep breath, trying to expel her anxiety. After a few agonizing minutes, the major turned to her.

"Shepard, me and others have noticed you leave your cabin around this time every night," he paused, his eyes contained some type of fiery emotion, "I know you're going to see Garrus," he confirmed.

"That's none of your business, Major" she said, slipping in his professional title.

"There's somethings I need to say, Commander" he copied her exact tone, seething his voice around her title.

She hesitated, "fine"

"Have you ever considered that maybe you could be with someone else?" He asked cautiously

"There is no one else" she said simply

"That's because you've led yourself to believe that," she glared at him then. Was he making an assumption that she was that narrow-minded? That she hadn't considered him to be with her than Garrus. He continued, "you really want me to believe that despite you forgetting the people around you, despite waking up with no knowledge of your past, you mean to tell me that Garrus is the one you still have feelings for? You don't even remember him Shepard."

"I don't have to explain myself to you" she shot back at him.

"You only know what he's told you about me"

"You don't know how I find out these things"

"Don't play dumb with me, Jane" he growled at her.

Anger ran through her veins, "don't ever call me that" she snarled.

"How much do you know-"

"Enough!" She yelled at him.

"God damn it, I loved you!" He screamed, his face breaking into an angry depression. "I love you" he said again in the present tense. Shepard wasn't sure whether to simmer down or get even angrier. Although she wasn't surprised at Kaidan's confession, she still found herself amazed he admitted it. " I never stopped, Shepard. Even when I walked away. I never stopped" he repeated, shaking his head. This was hard for him to confess. His hands tightened on his lap into fists.

"But you did walk away, Kaidan. I thought we've been through this?" Shepard asked more for a confirmation. She remembered Garrus had told her she broke off her relationship with Kaidan officially when he had returned to the Normandy.

"That was before you were found alive. When I saw you, something just...reignited in me," his eyes were soft and scared. He shook from the emotion. "You need to know that you have a choice in who you can be with"

"I know that,"

"Do you? Do you really?" He asked frustratedly. He grabbed her shoulders in a rough fashion. His hands were rough and warm and desperate. His breath washed over her face. "Tell me, if I was the only voice you remembered instead of Garrus, would you feel differently about me right now?"

"Of course not!" She snapped. Then doubt was in her mind. Did she let that one fact decide how she felt about Garrus? Was that voice the reason her gut told her to be with the turian? If that voice's was Kaidan's, would she still be going up to Garrus' every night to hold onto him and never let go? She gnawed on her lip, trying to avoid conveying the doubt.

"He's comfortable, Shepard" Kaidan said softly, "we will always cling to familiar things."

He was right. Garrus was both comfortable and familiar. He was warm, caring, and kind. He didn't show it all the time, but he said it through what he did. Are all these factors though, just part of an excuse to stay with him? Everything inside her told her to never let go of Garrus. But Kaidan could have been right and she was just too afraid to hurt him. Was he only ever meant to be just a close friend? Kaidan leaned in and touched his hands to her face. Feeling human hands on her cheek felt different. They were almost an awkward fit. "I can give you more than him, Jane." She almost wanted to believe him. Turian and human relationships weren't common. Their relationship wasn't natural. Shepard felt an ache in her chest at the realization. Kaidan took his opportunity and smashed his lips into hers. Kaidan kissed her hard and grabbed her hips. His mouth was warm, soft. They fit perfectly but it felt wrong. His tongue slid on the edge of her mouth. He forced himself into her and held her neck. Somehow, she did find kissing Kaidan familiar. It was always desperate and in a haste. The feelings that came from the kiss were all there and she knew deep down that they were all rushed. There was never a moment where they enjoyed the moment. All they ever thought about was that death could Knock on their door any minute. They weren't picture memories for Shepard but as Jack would say, they were muscle memories. Her body remembers Kaidan and her heart remembers Kaidan. Both however were on the same page when they wanted her to stop kissing Kaidan. This wasn't right. She knew it too. Even if she shouldn't be with Garrus, Kaidan was not her choice either. Fury suddenly erupted in her heart. How dare Kaidan try to force her to feel something that isn't there. How dare he not respect her boundaries. Her fist connected to his face and she heard a distinct crack in his jaw. She ripped herself away from his arms and ran.

"Jane wait!" He called after her

"Fuck off, Alenko!" She screamed at him. She found the elevator and found refuge inside. After the doors closed she hit the floor for the captain's cabin. Then she remembered why she ached in the first place. Feeling angry tears coming, she let out a painful yelp and slammed her fist into the emergency stop.

"Shepard! Shepard are you alright?!" Kaidan's voice came in through her ear piece. She angrily let out a shriek.

"What's going on!?" Tali asked on the earpiece.

"Shepard is stuck in the elevator. She's not responding" Kaidan said in a panicking tone.

"Shepard, talk to me, are you alright?" Garrus' voice emerged in his usual calm, computing tone.

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she ripped the radio from her ear and threw it across the small space. She pulled up her omni tool which she barely used anymore to change algorithms in the elevator. Surprisingly Javik had taught her that in case someone ever tried to take over the Normandy. He claimed the systems were so primitive, it made it easy for him to hack the computer inside to change the security measures. She'd have to thank him later.

She tugged her knees to her chest, letting her mind race. Heartbreak had taken over her chest, violation in her lips, and anger in her veins. She didn't want to speak to anyone. Knowing that her past was responsible for her feelings, she didn't know what was real. There was something in Kaidan that she longed for. Unfinished business is all their of relationship that is left. There were words left unsaid and feelings still hurt. All this talk about Kaidan leaving her behind, she had left him behind as well. Her past self thought that okay? She didn't understand it now, all she felt was guilt.

And then there was Garrus. By the grace of God, the one thing she thought she knew turned into her biggest doubt. Hurting Kaidan is hard but hurting Garrus was unthinkable. The thought of leaving him behind made her stomach wrap into tight knots. The one who had saved her life countless times, even in that damn hospital. He went in knowing she didn't remember him and he still loved her, still saved her. He only wanted her to be happy, to have freedom and choices. She wiped the now cold tears from her cheeks and took a deep breath.

Suddenly, the elevator began moving again. Shepard pulled up her omnitool again to try to stop the elevator. "Access denied" the computer said. She changed the algorithms again, "access denied." She groaned and tried to cut the power remotely, "access denied." She cussed and slammed her back against the wall. The doors opened to reveal a prideful Garrus. She glared up at him and he held out his hand. She frowned and refused. He began speaking but it was in his native turian language. She'd never heard it before and she always thought it would be a series of screeches and squawks. Instead, it was almost like a soft purring along with rolling of his tongue. She almost wished she could understand it.

He paused and looked at her for an answer. She shrugged and looked away. She didn't want to talk to him, she'd only hurt herself more. She also couldn't understand him without her translator.

Garrus bent down beside her and tried to give her the radio she threw. She smacked it out of his hand and got up. She proceeded into the cabin and kept her hands crossed over her chest. She fought against the sadness and guilt to take back the radio. She saw Garrus put the tiny ear piece on the desk beside their picture. Shepard struggled to keep her face passive as Garrus tipped her chin up to make her look at him. She would have figured him frustrated but he was calm and collected, still waiting for her to talk to him. He's going to be waiting awhile, she thought. She jutted her chin away and sat on the steps. Before he could sit down next to her, there was a knock on the door. Shepard looked back, fearing the worst.

Her fear was confirmed when Garrus opened it to Kaidan, his eyes hurt and angry. The turian grunted something foreign under her breath to Kaidan.

"I just wanted to talk to her" he said, trying to look around him for Shepard.

Before Shepard could promptly tell him to take his talks and shove it up his rear end, Garrus stepped outside and closed the door behind him. Shepard knew Garrus well enough when he was about to experience a fit of anger. She rushed to the door, fearing for her former flames safety. The icon turned from green to red when she tried to open the door. Locked. When did he learn to do that? She shook it off and leaned her ear against the door. She could hear a muffled conversation.

"...just told her she has other options" Kaidan said

Garrus huffed out what sounded like a sad laugh and asked him something.

"I...don't know"

The turian was silent, pausing. Then he asked another question, except his tone was more menacing

"yes" the major stood his ground.

Another menacing question, his subharmonics conveying hurt.

"I'm not afraid of you, Vakarian."

He laughed evilly, and said something sickly sarcastic.

"You know she deserves to be free to make her own choices."

Suddenly, his tone changed and it was more frustrated.

"You need to let her go, Garrus. She's coming to you right now because you're all she knows. You know that too."

Kaidan spoke of Shepard like she was so clueless and naive. She wasn't a child. Even if he had a point, she still wished he wouldn't call the shots on what she does in her life.

Garrus paused, and responded softly. Shepard couldn't read his emotion in the sentence.

"She won't go on her own. You need to push her. Wouldn't you rather she came back to you on her own rather than by an obligation?"

The thought of Garrus turning his back on Shepard, for the first time in her known life was debilitating. Did she really have to be alone to figure out if he was right for her? Did they need to break off in order to come back together.

Garrus responded curtly with a short statement.

"She wasn't listening to me"

He interrupted then, yelling at him. Oh, there were the squawks she was wondering about, Shepard thought.

"God damn it, Garrus! If you were in my shoes, you'd do the same thing!"

He continued to squeak and squawk at him. If Shepard wasn't so heartbroken, she would be giggling. Trying to sound mad and speaking avian words were just a hilarious combination.

"I know you do! Well so do I!"

Garrus didn't respond but rather Shepard heard something slam into the elevator wall. Kaidan groaned. She just barely heard Garrus back in his frightening, lower voice. Then a hand hit the elevator button and it beeped, indicating it was going down.

Shepard scrambled for the steps and instead settled for the computer chair when Garrus came back in. He looked over at her, his mandibles were pulled in as well as his brow plates. He was hurt. Shepard kept her stoic expression. He kneeled down to her eye level, his eyes begging her for some kind of acknowledgement. Hurting inside, she touched his face, her thumb tracing his markings.

"I don't want to talk tonight" she whispered broken, her hand was touching his visor, "and I don't want you to talk either," she gripped it and took it off his face. She knew his radio was connected to the visor and put it on the desk beside hers. His mandibles pulled out in surprise. He looked so different without it, almost naked. His hand went for the translator and she grabbed his fingers. She shook her head, nearing tears again. She was able to hold them back when he let her pull his hand away.

He guided her up and led her to the bed. He let go of her hand, letting her fold herself into the sheets. He silently joined her, taking his place on the right side of the bed. She turned away from him hugging a pillow to her head. She felt his arms snake around her waist but she caught his wrist. She didn't look at him when she shook her head. Not tonight. She closed her eyes, wishing she could be in her own bed if not for the nightmares.

Time seemed to pass in an undeterminable amount, just like her coma. It could have been seconds or hours. She felt a pair of hands hold the back of her head. She was groggy from her slumber but felt butterfly breaths against her hair. She didn't move to stop him. He murmured something to her, his voice gentle. She had no clue what he had said, so she simply yawned and stretched. He took the opportunity and attempted to hold her. She allowed it, mostly because she didn't remember why she didn't let him in the first place. She grabbed one of his hands and rested it against her cheek as a small pillow.

"theres still no one else," she murmured into his palm. She didn't know if it was a reply or simply a statement of truth, but it was off her chest. Shepard was met with silence as she pulled the blanket over her shoulders. He tightened his grip around her. She smiled and fell back into the lure of sleep, embracing the peaceful blackness.


	9. For Better or For Worse

_A/N 1,000 apologies! School and work are just so hectic. I'm so happy to finally have this chapter out! I hope you all enjoy it! Hopefully I can get the next chapter out before the new year! Fingers crossed! -Kristin  
_

Jane Chapter 9

" _Shepard! Shepard, are you alright?!"_ Alenko squeaked in Garrus' ear. He dropped the weapon he had been modding. His hand went to his ear as Tali spoke before he could.

" _What's going on?!"_

" _Shepard is stuck in the elevator. She's not responding"_ Kaidan said in a panic.

Pushing all of his anxiousness aside he said, _"_ Shepard, talk to me, are you alright?" The turian made his way out towards the elevator. Simultaneously there was a rustling on the end of one of the radios. His heart beat nervously in his chest, thinking the worst had happened.

" _Shepard! What happened!?"_ Kaidan continued. Meanwhile Garrus was bringing up his Omni tool. The elevators mechanical protocols had been reset and randomized. He tilted his head down towards where the elevator shaft sat. Shepard's name read across his visor with a steady heartbeat. She wasn't trapped in the elevator. She was hiding in the elevator. Nevertheless, the turian began calculating the computer's algorithms to their original settings. He was surprised Shepard knew how to rig the elevator to go into lockdown mode. He'd have to ask her how she did that later. He finished by placing a firewall around the controls. He hit the elevator call button and it hummed to life. In that second, there was an attempt at the firewall he put up. A second and third attempt followed. He couldn't help but grin as Shepard helplessly tried to fight against his tech skills.

The doors opened to his lover on the floor, back straight up against the wall. She scowled up at him as he riveted in satisfaction. Her blue eyes scampered around his gaze. He offered her a hand and she ignored him.

"You know pouting like that never worked on me, hate to remind you of that" he said in a playful sarcastic tone. She didn't respond, just shrugging. Confused he looked to the ground and saw her tiny radio on the ground in the corner of the elevator. So the rustling was her translator falling out of her ear? He reached for it and tried to return it to her. Then fury painted her expression as she smacked the device from his hand. It didn't fall out, she had thrown it from her ear. She clearly wasn't kidding around. He couldn't speak to her without her translator. He couldn't even ask her what happened.

She got up and strut angrily into his cabin. He followed, placing the ear piece on his desk. She knew Garrus well enough at this point to tell when he was asking her a question. Confidently, he tipped up her small chin in his direction, forcing her to look at him. There was one emotion he saw and it was pain. She was hiding it behind a stoic expression he knew all too well. She had used that face when she spoke of Earth and the reapers, when Thessia fell, even now she is trying to remember something. She pushed herself away from his grasp and sat on the steps.

Before he could follow her, there was a knock at his door. Shepard's head shot back in apprehension. As Garrus opened the door, he twisted his talons over the locking mechanism. If this got ugly, he didn't want Shepard in the middle. Kaidan looked at him defensively when the door opened. He tried to look past the turian but he moved to the side ever so slightly.

"You've gotta be kidding me," Garrus muttered.

Kaidan huffed, "I just wanted to talk to her." _Like hell_ , Garrus thought. He took the human male by the shoulder and shoved him outside. The air pressure of the door released behind it and he heard the lock click into place. Relief set inside him when he continued to glare at the major.

"What did you do?" he asked him.

Kaidan crossed his arms, "Nothing. I just told her she had other options"

Garrus took a deep breath, trying control his temper that was beginning to rise. Instead of yelling, he actually let out a weak chuckle. Alenko had been doing the same thing Garrus had been doing. "Would you know why she had locked herself in the elevator then?" he asked.

Guilt crossed his expression. He looked around, hesitating. "I...don't know" he murmured.

Garrus paused now. Scenarios crossed in his head that only created tremors in his arms. If he had touched her in any way, he wouldn't be sure how to stop himself from snapping his neck. Shepard would never forgive him though. "So how did you prove it to her?" he huffed out another chuckle, concealing his outrage, "did she let you kiss her?" letting his accusation drip in his sheer sarcastic voice.

"Yes" he stated, so matter of fact. The reddening bruise on his cheek dared otherwise.

"You're a horrible liar, Alenko. You really don't want me to make an honest man out of you, do you?" He said, towering over his small body. The turian's talons twitched at his side.

Kaidan let a menacing smirk weave through his lips, "I'm not afraid of you, Vakarian."

Now he laughed genuinely, amused at his ignorance. Kaidan didn't see how much Garrus had grown from his short time on the Normandy. The way the major undermined him only fed his need to teach him a lesson, just like the street thugs who would take advantage of so many helpless young women. "You really shouldn't test me like that."

"You know she deserves to be free to make her own choices," he said gently.

"She is free to make her own choices," Garrus said, taking a step back from his looming position.

"You need to let her go, Garrus," at that point, it didn't feel like Kaidan wasn't talking with Garrus but more rather himself. He spoke softly, as if he were only speaking alone. He still continued, "She's coming to you right now because you're all she knows. You know that too"

The human had highlighted his own doubts and fears of his relationship with the former commander. He shook off the uneasiness, "You think I don't know that? I've given her more than enough opportunities to leave me." Saying the words then, felt like he simply took his gun and shot himself in the chest. He couldn't imagine his life without Shepard but he loved her enough to let her to go.

"She won't go on her own. You need to push her. Wouldn't you rather she came back to you on her own than by an obligation?" Kaidan asked. The way he spoke was unique. It was almost as if he were begging Garrus to leave her for her own good.

"So forcibly kissing her isn't pushing," he didn't ask him a question, rather implicated his true intentions.

"She wasn't listening to me," he shot back at him

Suddenly, the turian's temper came back and his own angry river of words flowed from his mouth, "You weren't thinking about her choices, only yours! If you truly cared for her, you would let her be!"

"God damn it, Garrus! If you were in my shoes, you'd do the same thing!" He yelled back to him. They stepped closer, using each other's own breath to fill their furious words.

"She came to me, by herself! I would have let her go, you know that. No matter how much I push her away, she'll always come back. If she wants to be with me, then, spirits, I'm done fighting with her! Damn it, Alenko, I love her. That will never fucking change" he cussed as he grabbed the major by the collar.

"I know you do, Garrus," he murmured, "and so do I!" He said, ignoring what the turian had just said.

Sick of his ignorance, he pounded the human back against the wall of the elevator. His knee slammed between his tiny legs. Kaidan let out a high shrieking yelp. He slid down, holding his crotch. He gritted his teeth in pain. "If you _ever_ touch her without her permission again, I will tear apart your arms so you can never touch anything again."

Before the major could retort, Garrus thrust his fist into the button on the side of the elevator. The doors closed on his pained expression. The turian took another deep breath, trying to resist the urge to go back and reiterate his threat. Shepard was more important. He entered the room to see Shepard breathing quickly in the chair by his desk. _Eavesdropper,_ he thought at her. Luckily she didn't hear any of the threats he had made at her previous lover.

She only looked worried. Not sure at what but enough for Garrus to bend down on one knee. Their faces were only inches from each other. He could sense her pheromones releasing what felt like depression. He looked at her intently, reeling her to put her translator back on. Her eyebrows furrowed, conveying her sadness. She took her hand and caressed his face. There was a soft purr in his throat, probably too low for Shepard to hear. He felt her fingers begin to trace his markings. He wished he could tell her how much she used to do that, ever so absently whenever they laid together or even working. She would look at him on the battlefield, being shot at by enemies, and trace his markings before shooting back at them. A quick goodbye, just in case.

"I don't want to talk tonight," she whispered, now running her fingers near his fringe. He felt as if his mouth had been sewn shut, he hated not telling her what happened. He hated not reminding her how much he loved her and would never ask her to leave again until she told him to. Then her eyes shot to his, "and I don't want you to talk either," she clicked his visor off his head. He was shocked at this, she never touched his visor. Not unless she meant business. Not only that, she had gripped the translator that was in his ear beside his visor. They completely couldn't understand each other. He couldn't do this, he needed to tell her what he felt. His hand went to put the translators back in their ears but Shepard's hand grabbed his. Her warm fingers tightened around his talons. She shook her head, a sad smile covering her face.

Instead he pulled her hand and they made their ways to the bed. She got under the covers, awaiting him. As usual, he slid in next to her, wrapping his arm around her waist till he felt a firm hand on his wrist. She turned back to him and shook her head. He couldn't see her expression and he was sure glad she couldn't see his.

Had Kaidan changed her mind? Did she not believe in her own feelings anymore? Or was she simply confused? Nevertheless, the turian obeyed his mate's silent request. He moved away from her and turned around so their backs were facing each other. His arms felt empty without her in them. It surprised him how quickly sleep alluded him after that. He watched the digital clock on the wall waste away. Was the major right though? Was he denying Shepard the chance to make her choices without bias? He would let her go the moment she told him to, despite the repercussions it would have on his own. Shepard meant more to him than her memories allowed her to see. There things he had wished he told her sooner. Yet there were also things left unsaid as well.

Throughout the night, Garrus remained in the same position in the bed. Shepard twisted and turned but no more than usual. When he felt her tense, he knew a nightmare was coming. He would hold out his hand, letting his fingers wisp over her cheek ever so lightly. She would calm down and return to her sleep. She tried so hard to be strong. Shepard had nightmares before but nothing like this. She would wake up with, at most, a startled expression. She never screamed, never let them consume her. He'd never heard Shepard scream until after the reaper war. That concerned him. He always saw her as someone who was in control of her emotions. If she had her memory, though, would she still be this way? Writhing in her restless slumber? Would she have always been so tense? Shepard knew what came with war even after accepting the invitation back onto the Normandy. There is only so much a human mind can take before their thoughts and dreams turn against them.

Was his Shepard, the one he had looked up to, fallen in love with, gone forever? Was it worth it for him, and her for that matter, to fight for a relationship where the end goal is that Shepard will have her memories back? He certainly hoped not. Even if leaving were healthier for the both of them, would he be able to make the move to go? He looked over at her sleeping form, imagining the empty mattress he had stared at for months. She now filled the gap that was on her side of the bed again. She admitted to still having feelings for him despite her own circumstances. He couldn't leave her. Not when she needed him most. Sure he would back off the moment she requested for him to do so. However if she didn't want to leave and neither did he, why force each other away?

He had been playing with the hair on the back of her head, breathing in her floral scent. There was an old human saying as part of their wedding vows. What was it? Spirits, he had thought it was so redundant to say especially considering turian marriages were so permanent, unlike human marriages. She twitched ever so slightly before yawning. He combed his talons through her blonde locks and settled. Then it hit him.

"For better, or for worse" he murmured into her ear. Turians didn't divorce. Being with someone at the good times and bad seemed a little too obvious. Humans switched partners as much as the Asari, even marital ones. It was something Garrus could never understand. Cheating on one's own bond mate didn't make much sense. It was such a vital rule in his culture, perhaps it was something he wasn't meant to comprehend.

She yawned again, this time stretching. He attempted to hold her again and she didn't stop him. She settled into the embrace of his arms. He felt warm fingers around his as she rested his palm on her soft cheek. Shepard murmured something in response. She sounded content. With that, he felt sleep begin to close his eyes. He held onto his mate, hoping a dreamless slumber welcomed them both.

Shepard awoke to Joker's voice on the intercom, "Garrus, we have located the _Destiny Ascension_ , ETA 1 hour." Garrus was fast asleep next her, completely unaware of their pilots voice. Gingerly, she removed his hand from her waist. She padded over to the desk, hooking her translator back to her ear. There was a click from her inner implants at the injection of the device. She shivered from the loud noise. She took the turian's visor and began reading the names engraved on the inside and outside: _Erash, Monteague, Mierin, Grundan Krul, Melanis, Ripper, Sensat, Vortash, Butler, and Weaver_. Ten names she had never heard of. She was not too sure if she should ask him who they were, not right now. Garrus turned over, grunting.

Shepard made her way over to the bed and sat on the end. He propped himself up on his elbows. He covered his eyes his arm and looked up. "What did he say?" He asked. She was almost expecting him to speak turian again. She handed him the visor, their hands brushing at the exchange.

Once his translator had been clicked in again, she relayed Joker's message. He nodded meekly. He didn't speak, only getting up and sauntering into the shower. Shepard stayed where she was, one leg folded under her and the other with toes on the floor. What could she have said about the night before? She had shut him out forcibly. He had gotten into a screaming match with Kaidan and then she didn't even clear the situation. She wouldn't blame him for being angry. She needed to think, without words getting in the way.

Garrus came out the shower. Shepard politely looked away as he clicked his armor back on. "You're still here, I'm surprised"

Now she looked over at him, he was standing at the top of the small staircase. He looked somber. "Why?" She asked.

He shrugged making his way down the steps and sitting beside her. "Figured last night you were probably staying out of pity"

"If I wanted to leave, I would have, Garrus" she said simply.

"Throw me a bone here, Shepard. I haven't heard you speak since last night. Frankly, I'd rather hear your side than Alenko's" He huffed, frustrated. He avoided eye contact with her. His hands were in tight fists. His temper was being bubble to the surface.

"I'm sure you know the gist of it-" She was interrupted by his glare. He was tired of her guessing games clearly. She took a deep breath, speaking quickly and quietly, "Kaidan wanted us to be back together and claimed I was only with you out of being comfortable. He tried to tell me that he could give me more than you could and kissed me," she saw the turian suck in a deep breath of air, she continued, "then I punched him in the face", now he smiled, shaking his head. "I needed time to think without words."

"What did you think about?"

"Mostly what I felt, what could be genuine or just part of the memories I have with me."

"And what-"

"Garrus, you're wanted in the Comm room for a debriefing from Hackett" joker interrupted. The two glared at the intercom, "hey don't shoot the messenger" he added.

Garrus looked back at Shepard. Her tongue found her bottom lip just before her teeth did. Her eyes lulled towards the light of the fish tank. Even then, she had not found her words. Her mind was still in shambles and she didn't know how she could collect herself. "I need more time" she said.

Flabbergasted, he huffed impatiently. He wanted to shake her shoulders, tell her they may not have much time. Was he no better than Kaidan then? He halted his movement. She resented Kaidan because he forced himself on her. Her eyes flowed back to him, indifferent. Garrus nodded meekly. He didn't have time, but he would give her these scarce moments alone to her. She placed a soft hand on the scarred side of his face. She leaned into say something when a different voice came over the intercom.

"Shepard, I need you in the shuttle bay," it was Tali's voice.

She leaned back, retracting her fingers. As she began to walk away, "Shepard," Garrus called out. He tried to keep his voice from becoming frantic. She turned back at him, wanting to run from the room. "If I asked you to stay back here, would you?" he asked, failing in his tone, knowing the answer. She knew she should stay back but there is something in her gut telling her to go. She can't stay behind and watch like a lab rat. She did that enough in that damned hospital. She gnawed on her lip and looked towards the door, avoiding his gaze.

"I can't promise that, Garrus." She murmured and walked through the doors, leaving him behind.

Shepard walked into the shuttle bay and found Tali at the modding table. She did not seem to notice her friend walk in until she laid her hand on her shoulder.

"Shepard," she said, containing enthusiasm in her voice, "I have your weapons and armor ready."

"My...armor?" Shepard asked, well aware she already had armor sitting in her closet in her room.

"Well, I figured you might need an upgrade," the Quarian handed over a whole bunch of black. "Try it on and hurry we only have a few minutes" she turned around so Shepard could change. There was no one else in the shuttle except for the two of them. She shrugged off her comfy clothes and into a bulletproof vest and pants. She then clasped the black and red armor over her chest and legs. Her Omni tool beeped to ensure the connection of the suit was secure. Tali took what looked like another earpiece and placed it on the side of her head. The moment it connected, a small holographic screen slid across her right eye. _Welcome Commander Shepard_ , the visor read to her. Shepard looked down and saw the bold N7 logo on her forearms. A red outline ran under her breasts right down to her boots.

"Tali…" her breath was taken away. The armor was lightweight and comfortable.

"But wait, there's more" Tali mused. She brought up Shepard's Omni-tool, glowing to life, she chose the _tactical cloak_ option in her armor. With a light buzzing, Tali showed her a mirror and she was gone. Her suit was completely invisible.

"Whoa," she muttered. While she played with her new tech option, Tali handed her the Katana shotgun, the Arc Pistol, and the Avenger assault rifle. Shepard clicked them into the slots as Tali had shown her during her practices. She then hooked on extra heat sinks to her waist. "Is this all really necessary?" she asked.

"With this crew, we have learned to always expect the unexpected. If anything, it's a safety precaution. You'll probably be left with the ship anyway" Tali shrugged.

"Wait what?" Shepard stopped admiring her new armor to give her comrade an incredulous gaze.

"With the way Garrus is around you, he is not taking you with him. He will never risk your life again after the Reapers." She was indifferent.

"I'm going" she said, nearly angry. She did not know much but what she did know was that she was still spectre and rightful commander of the ship. She can take back control anytime she wanted, he can't keep telling her what to do. Her vision started to turn red.

"Hey, I know you won't back down. Just try to look through his eyes" she said, beginning to clip on her own shotgun and pistols.

"What do you mean?"

"Okay, well, you love him right?"

Shepard felt blood race to her cheeks. She looked down and away. Love is a very strong word. When Garrus says it, she is not as nervous as when she thinks about it. "Well I…" she try to say but lost her words.

"Bad question. Let me rephrase; how would you feel if you watched someone you cared deeply about run away to his death. Then, after months of mourning, you find out that person is still alive? Would you really want the opportunity to watch them die again?" She asked. Shepard did not need to see Tali's expression to feel how much mourning Tali herself had been going through after her death. Shepard felt her eyebrows crinkle as she looked down at the mirror. The less-forgotten women looked back at her. The purple bruises had disappeared from under her eyes. Her face was not so colorless anymore. Her hair was in waves down her shoulders, fuller and healthier. This was the woman she wanted to remember. She shut her eyes and took a deep breath.

"I just wish he trusted me more"

"You're not ready, Shepard" Tali said gently.

She looked at Tali in surprise. Instead of being angry, she felt a twinge of hurt at what her friend had said. "Listen, you're better off than any of us thought you would be. You can't just run off into the unknown thinking you know what you're doing. That isn't you, Shepard."

Frustrated made her hands curl around the mirror. She was right. She was not ready. She only wanted to be ready. She was sick of being weak, dependent on others for what she had lost. Tali said nothing, only taking the mirror. Tali placed her hand on Shepard's and gave hers a squeeze. They were silent for a moment. Tali's hands were smaller and thinner than Garrus'. They had the same texture underneath her gloves. While Shepard studied this, Tali spoke.

"You have brought me out of my own darkness, saving me from myself. I never felt like I could thank you enough," Shepard did not look at her, only allowing her ears to listen, "I believe...this is my way of thanking you; by bringing _you_ out of your darkness," she muttered. Shepard looked up then and Tali tilted her head to the side, conveying innocence.

"Thank you," she said almost silently.

"You're never alone in this. You never will be," she responded, releasing their hands. Shepard smiled as they began towards the elevator

The crew assembled in the conference room. Garrus kept pacing by the window. Shepard was itching to see the great beauty that was the _Destiny Ascension_ however, it was on the other side of the ship in preparation for docking. Garrus avoided eye contact with Shepard, only staring at his feet at the others began to file into the room. Tali and Shepard remained to Garrus' right at one head of the table. Once the room was filled, Garrus cleared his throat.

"In five minutes, we will be boarding the Ascension. Here is where everyone will be at," he paused to open up his Omni-tool, "the extraction team will consist of me, Javik, and Tali. We get in, get the council, and get out."

Javik nodded, "understood"

Tali glanced at Shepard before acknowledging her assignment as well.

"There be a team stationed on the Normandy to warn us of any external threats in which case, we need to be swift and get the hell out. Kaidan, as my XO, you'll stay behind along with Jack. Please, don't kill each other"

Kaidan showed no sign of apprehension, "got it."

"No promises" Jack muttered at the same time.

"There will then be a squad that will stay in the docking area, defending the Normandy incase anything decides to pop out which with our luck would not be a shock. Liara, James" he said looking to them. They both nodded. "And Shepard" he looked at her for the first time they had gotten there. He didn't leave her behind. She tried not to let surprise color her face. She only looked at him, gratefully. He dismissed everyone. No one said another word.

As they walked through the CIC, Garrus lifted a panel by the docking area. As she grabbed her helmet, Shepard finally caught a glimpse at the _Ascension_. It was huge. Shepard stepped into the cockpit just to get a better look. She craned her head so much, she felt her neck crack. She ship's shape curved up exposing a large void, almost like it should be lit up. Shepard began to say, "Holy shi-"

"Ship, am I right?" Joker interjected, "Get it- Ow!" Shepard smacked him in the back of the head.

"Stick to your day job, Joker" Shepard said.

The pilot rubbed the back of his head. Before he could counter, the message alert began flashing. Garrus brushed passed Shepard and hit the button. The light illuminated green and an Asari's face showed up on the screen.

"Councilor Tevos, good to see you alive and well, I hope?"

"Garrus Vakarian, never thought I'd be so glad to see you." The Asari said, no signs of friendliness on her face.

"How are the others?" he asked cautiously.

"They're just shaken, this is the first contact we've had with anyone outside the ship in months" she said coolly. Shepard shifted her feet, just out of the range of the councilor's sight."

"I know the feeling. We just got back to Earth weeks ago. We're gonna get you out of here. How much of your staff is left?"

"Not many" She said, her eyebrows crinkled, "After the first couple of weeks of being stranded, they started to mutiny. They couldn't sit by and wait for help any longer. We tried to get the ship up and running again but it was no use. We did not have enough fuel or eezo to get back home." She struggled to speak, finding her words carefully.

"Well, we're here to bring you back, just give us docking access and we'll be right there."

"Of course, we're boarded up on the bridge. Be wary, there's not much power on the ship, it could go out any moment. We tend to have power fluctuations on an hourly basis."

"Got it. Sit tight. We'll be right there"

The Asari nodded and the connection cut.

Garrus stood there for a moment. Shepard struggled to read his face. Before she could dissect it more, he brushed passed her. She followed and saw only two helmets left on the rack inside the wall. Garrus grabbed the blue one leaving the smaller black one behind. Gingerly, she took the last helmet. A red stripe lined the top. The last time she wore this helmet, she was a completely different person. She was not Jane, She was not just Shepard. She was Commander Shepard of the Normandy SR2, savior of the citadel, and a hero to the entire galaxy. She rested her forehead on the glass, almost wishing she could reel in the person who was part of it.

She brought her head up, snapping out of her revere. Everyone clipped themselves in, minding their own businesses. The airlock closed behind them and it was quiet. Garrus walked over to her, she could no longer see his face from behind the helmet. She tore her eyes away and lifted the helmet. He rested his hand on hers, stopping her. She reluctantly looked back at him. She only saw her reflection in his mask. She hated it. He took a gloved hand and began smoothing her hair away from her face. She nearly jumped at his touch. She was still tense from their conversation. The room seemed to disappear from around her and it was just them again. She only wish she could tell him how confused she still was. She wanted to tell him everything and yet, she wanted to forget, as crazy as it seemed. She wanted to put everything behind her and just stop worrying about it. Before she could say a word, he took her helmet and clicked it onto her head. Air rushed into her face and her visor connected into the screen. _"Omni-Sync successful"_ it read across the screen. Garrus' name also illuminated onto the screen. She felt his hand behind her head, as if he was going to pull her into a hug. Instead, he had clicked on her Comm radio.

"Can you hear me?" he asked.

Just like the words in her memories, "loud and clear" she said.

He nodded and pulled away from her. Tali and Javik were flanked on his sides. Shepard looked to Liara and James at her sides, naturally taking the flanks. Her eyes rested on Liara's, the only pair she could also see. Her calming expression made her feel peaceful.

The air pressure released and the doors opened into a large, dark room. Garrus relayed to Tevos that they were inside the ascension. The Asari proceeded to give him directions to the bridge. There was an elevator that would take them all the way up on the far side of the room. Shepard followed and began to feel uneasy. She clutched her shotgun to prevent her hand from reaching out to Garrus, pulling him back, away from the ship.

"Alright, councilor, we're at the doors"

"Copy, I will get them open"

The doors beeped and opened into an elevator. Tali, Javik, and Garrus stepped through. Garrus looked at Shepard as he spoke.

"Keep her safe" he said. Obviously, he had been speaking of the Normandy. Or had he?

"Say hi to the Council for me" she smirked.

"Oh, they always love hearing from you" Garrus retorted before the door closed.

The three began to walk back. Shepard kept looking over her shoulder, making sure the elevator was still gliding alongside the wall. _Please, just let it be a simple retrieval_ Shepard begged.

The lights flickered in the elevator as they rode up. Garrus gripped his assault rifle, resisting shifting his weight. He always hated long elevator rides.

"Something is not right" Javik said.

"What do you mean?" Tali asked.

"The councilor, she seemed almost too calm. She is just now getting help; one would think she would be a little bit more relieved," the Prothean observed.

"Tevos was never one for emotions. The only things she ever cared about were Thessia and the Asari. She never cared for the rest of us. Her coolness is all natural," Garrus said as the elevator near the floor.

"I'm not saying she is not excited to see us but perhaps, anxious for us to be there," Javik replied.

"Like she would be luring us?" Garrus said. As he began to do the math, something did not settle right in his stomach.

"It is a possibility" Javik said.

Before he could comment, the doors opened the Councilor Tevos and the others. They stopped dead in their tracks. Both the Salarian and turian councilor were on their knees, hands behind their heads. Tevos stood above them, a pistol in her hand.

"One step and they die" Tevos said.

"What…" Tali said, trailing her voice.

This was not good, Garrus thought.

As he clutched his rifle, he felt the barrel of another gun to the back of his head. He froze.

"Put it down, big guy. You're out numbered" an unfamiliar voice said behind him. Through his peripherals he could see guns pointed at Tali and Javik. They looked to Garrus. He sighed and nodded. They all slowly put down their weapons.

"Why?" Garrus asked simply.

Tevos had not moved from her spot. "Please under, Officer Vakarian, I'm simply doing what it best for the galaxy."

"Care to elaborate?" He sneered.

"The distress signals were genuine at first…" She muttered, her head turning to the side. Garrus soon realized she was not alone. "But someone answered those days after the reaper invasion ended"

"Who…?" Garrus gritted his teeth together

A figure stepped out from behind the councilor. Garrus felt his chest get heavier he saw her. He should have known. They should never have trusted her.

"Hello, Archangel" the voice said.


	10. I Surrender

_A/N Hello friends, told you I would have it out sooner! Enjoy!- Kristin_

Jane Chapter 10

"Aria," Garrus said, lowly.

"You helped us, now you have guns pointed to our heads? Can you fill in the blanks?" Tali asked.

Aria did not smile, only waved her lackeys off. Her purple face was covered in her usual sneer of an expression. She was wearing a dark leather jacket with low cut red top on the inside. Black leather pants hugged her legs tightly along with army boots. Garrus felt the gun leave his head. He knew they were outnumbered, they could not retaliate. There was no sign of escape except for the blocked elevator behind them. They were trapped. Frustration crossed his expression.

"This is something you cannot comprehend. All I ask is you leave and never look back. The Galaxy belongs to me now," Aria said simply. She spoke to Garrus the way she spoke to her grunts; almost lost like he was a child.

"The galaxy is safe. It's best to keep it that way," he growled.

"Oh it will be safe as long as you don't interfere with my plans. I'm letting you walk away with your friends. If you don't, I'll be forced to take drastic measures" her voice became more menacing.

The Turian took a deep breath. He wasn't meant for negotiations. It was always listen and shoot if Shepard gave the signal. He was the one in charge now. He wanted to take this opportunity to just escape and figure it out later but he couldn't let her do whatever she was thinking about doing. He also couldn't leave the other two councilors behind.

"Just hand over the councilors and no one gets hurt" he lifted his gun back up.

"Now I can't do that. They don't agree to my terms and conditions. I can't have them run off and tell the Alliance and everyone else" She nodded her head to Tevos, who bought a gun to the back of the salarian councilor's head.

"So what? You'll just kill them?" He sneered, well aware of how outnumbered they were. He began plotting their escape, shooting Aria in the shoulder and legs then Tevos, Tali and Javik should follow suit dealing with the grunts.

"Please, I'm not stupid, Archangel. They're just going to be really expensive hostages. As long as Hackett agrees to my demands, he will get the council back." Aria had it all figured out, plans A through Z. Garrus was barely trying to get through his own plan A. He needed Aria distracted. "I also see you calculating over there. I happen to be very good with reading Turian expressions" she nearly smiled. "You're trapped, outnumbered, sound familiar?"

"Yes and I've gotten out of stickier situations than arguing with a crazed Asari" now he nearly laughed as he said this.

"Yes but you always had your commander getting you out things," as she spoke she brought up what looked like a small remote. "Walk away, or suffer the consequences" he finger hovered over a button.

"You planning to blow us all up? Not your style, Aria" he snickered, his own finger hovering over the trigger.

"Oh I'm not planning on blowing myself up. You, all, of course" she then clicked the button, "In 2 minutes, this ship is blowing up into oblivion." Tali and Javik shot looks at their leader. It wasn't just them that would get blown up, it was the Normandy too. Not unless he could tell them. His hand slowly went up to his comm radio. Aria did not move to stop him.

"Garrus to Normandy, this ship is going to blow, double time it. Get to the bridge for extraction. Be ready to come in hot with the shuttle." He nearly screeched into the radio. Static feedback was given in response. "Shit" he muttered.

"Well I gave you a chance, too bad about the radio jammers" she shrugged. The grunts used the butt of their rifles and knocked out Tali and Javik. Garrus tensed and swung behind his back and knocked out each grunt behind him. He took two shots at Tevos and only seemed to nick her in the arm. She sneered at him and shot her pistol, he jumped under a nearby desk and shot at her again, shooting a nice bullet into her knee. She yelped and fell. Aria held up her shotgun and they seemed to dance around each other's attack. She used her biotics to lift his cover. A bullet hit his chest, Tevos was balanced herself on the desk across from him. Garrus clutched his armor, his hand was blue with his blood. He cussed, getting up. He looked at Tali, her mask had been punctured. Javik was bleeding from the nose and mouth. He needed to get them out of there. Tevos shot at his legs, he fell to the ground. _It can't end this way. I can't fail her_ he thought fiercely. He started to feel weak from the loss of blood and struggled to get up.

From above he could hear a rustling, another of Aria's tricks? He held his hand to his side and raised his gun to the vents. The rustling continued to Aria and she looked up defensively, holding her gun up. The vent opened and Aria and Tevos shot into it. After a couple rounds, Aria gestured her partner to stop. She looked to Garrus, "What are you trying to pull, Vakarian?" She screeched at him.

The Turian managed to laugh, "You know, I was about to ask you the same thing." As he said this, Shepard jumped from the vent.

The former commander nearly yelped as her biotics hit the floor. Everything cracked beneath them and Aria and Tevos were thrown off their feet. She got up from kneeling and looked over at Garrus. He could only see her eyes but they were controlled. She had a plan or at least an idea.

Garrus took advantage as Shepard leaped at Aria, and shot Tevos in the back of the head. She fell to the ground motionless. _One down,_ he thought. As Shepard swung at Aria, she grabbed her by the throat threw her against the wall, holding her above the ground. Shepard choked, clawing at the Asari's face. The asari clenched at her throat hard with both hands.

"Shepard" She snickered through the blood on her face, "I thought you were dead."

Shepard coughed blood into Aria's face. She grimaced at this while Shepard laughed weakly, "Surprise" she managed to say. Before Aria could respond, Shepard shot her in the foot. She immediately let go but before she could take another hit, she slammed her hand into the wall, opening an escape pod. Shepard felt her throat closing from being swollen. Her hand shook to find the gun she dropped. Her airways were cut off and she was losing oxygen quickly.

Before Aria could make an escape, Shepard shot the panel by her. Aria made a b-line to the commander and quickly knocked Shepard's helmet off. The cold air shocked her. The oxygen in the room was already little. Aria dragged her by her long hair and held her up by her hair. Her scalp screamed for relief as all the strands of blonde hair on her head fought with gravity. Involuntary tears showed watered her eyes. She let out a yelp.

"Could never see you with long hair, Shepard. Not your style. You never were the girly girl" Aria whispered. She then slammed her head into the desk. "Why aren't you fighting back? You could have killed me by now. You holding back, old partner?" She let out a loud wail of pain. Her plan was not going as well as she thought. Tali was right, she wasn't ready. _God damn it_ , she thought. Aria slammed her head into the panel again. Fury began flowing through her. _Not again, I will not be weak_ , she thought furiously. Swiftly working her fingers, she activated her omni-blade. Without too much thought, she grunted, slicing the hair that Aria was holding onto. Physics did not help as her head fell to the floor. Her scalp ceased hurting and her hand found her hair, short, uneven, and free. Aria dropped the hair she was holding, Shepard kicked her foot underneath Aria's legs, bringing her to the floor. Shepard straddled her and punched her in the face.

In an angry burst, Aria's hands went back to Shepard's throat, squeezing harder than before. Spots covered her vision as she uselessly try to grab her face. Eventually the lack of oxygen halted her attempts. Aria dropped her to the floor and ran for the open escape pod. She used her omni tool to remotely to close the doors.

"So long, Commander. Stay dead this time!" she screamed at Shepard through the door shut.

She coughed as the escape pod blasted away from the ship. She convulsed and saw Garrus barely awake in the corner. He clutched his stomach right below his heart.

"Garrus," she whimpered. He looked over at her, defeated. He nodded at her weakly. She could feel water from her eyes. She nodded to him in agreement and crawled over to the bridge where Aria had left the detonator. The comm jammer was next to it. She disabled it with the push of a button.

She wheezed into her radio, "Normandy!"

"What's going on, Shepard? Communications were shut off!"

"The ship is going to blow, you need to get out of here" she coughed

"Not without you" he cut her off almost immediately.

"I'm trying to disable it but you need to get the hell out of here, Joker," she demanded, "We'll get to an escape pod if I can stop it"

She shut off the communications and began disabling the bomb with shaky hands. It was all too complicated. She didn't stop working at it. The technology was completely foreign, nothing Tali had shown her was like this. She couldn't die again, not without trying first. Then the ship tilted. Something had docked into the ship, hard. Shepard kept trying to disable it. The device kept beeping but nonetheless she worked in. After countless attempts, she yelped in frustration. _I can't die. I just can't!_ She thought furiously. She slammed the detonator into the ground, destroying it. Not sure if it stopped the bomb or not.. Her head hit the ground and all she could see was her old lover in the corner passed out. She looked at her omni-tool, scanning the detonator. _"Scanning"_ the omni tool said mechanically. Her vision started to become blurry, " _explosion device disabled"_ was the last thing Shepard heard before falling into darkness.

" _Now, the night is coming to an end, (Oh)  
The sun will rise, and we will try again. (Oh)  
Stay alive, stay alive, for me." - Twenty-One Pilots_

She knew this feeling. Holding on by a thread. She was on the edge of darkness, just holding out to the light. She tried. She did everything she could to save them. It wasn't enough. She felt herself cry ghost tears. It was all her fault. Then she heard it, a familiar sound. Oxygen flowing. Her throat was still closed but she was breathing.

Unlike during her first time waking up, everything came rushing to her senses. Her eyes shot open, fluorescent lights filled her vision; the hospital. _God no, not that place,_ she thought in panic. grasping for her neck. She felt bandages and began to panic, clawing. She heard her voice wheezing but not getting out words. _Get it off get it off get it off_ , she screamed. A hand grabbed hers. She looked over and saw warm brown eyes.

"Shepard, no" Kaidan said softly.

"Wh-Wher…" she tried to get out the words and her throat did not allow anymore. She had been given a cast around her neck, surrounding her throat.

"Shhh, I'll talk. Just relax, please" he nearly begged her. He took one of his other hands and held her face softly. "We're in the Normandy's med bay. You were able to disable the bomb. While we were already trying to dock closer to you, we got help. Do you remember Major Kirrahe?" he asked.

Shepard could not recall the name so she shook her head. He took a small strand of hair and put it behind her ear. She normally would not want him touching her but it was the only reminder that this was real and it was not a nightmare.

"He docked his ship after hearing your transmission. He and his team tracked where the transmission was and found all of you. He was able to hand you guys over to us" He said.

Then she remembered Tali, Javik, and Garrus. She immediately looked to her left, which was a bad idea because she felt the pain of movement. Garrus was on the cot beside her, out cold. She reached her hand from Kaidan out to the Turian.

"Garrus" she whispered, almost mute.

"He'll be okay, Shepard. Chakwas was able to get the bullets out of his system. The one just missed his heart" he murmured.

Sweet relief, she felt. She let out the little breath she was holding and looked up at the ceiling. _Now what?_ She asked herself. She slowly got up, she smacked Kaidan's hand out of the way when he tried to restrain her. She felt her fatigues on her, who dressed her? She dreaded the thought of Kaidan seeing her bruised nude body underneath her armor.

"Who dressed me?" she rasped. She gave him an accusing look.

"I believe Liara did," Kaidan said, sounding confused.

"Okay" she said, beginning to walk away.

Once she opened the door, she groaned. "And where do you think you're going?" Chakwas asked in front of her patient with her arms folded.

"Tali, Javik-" Shepard struggled to say.

"Tali is suffering an infection, she is bedridden and will be fine. Javik is already back to work in his quarters. You, my dear, need rest," Chakwas had cut her off. The doctor took her with a strong hand. Shepard let Chakwas drag her, knowing better than to argue when she was in no condition. She sat back down on the cot, refusing to lie down. She folded her legs underneath her. Then her head began to throb. Shepard groaned. Chakwas handed her an ice pack for her head. Shepard felt bandages around her scalp. "You're not leaving until I tell you to," Chakwas said with a stern expression. Shepard nodded, defeated.

Her eyes wandered back to Garrus, too still on his cot. Chakwas walked over to the turian with a stethoscope, listening to his heart. She looked at her watched, counting. He nearly died, is this how he felt when she died? She felt empty, lost, and guilty. The old her could have saved him. Her eyebrows knitted together. She promised herself she would not think about it and here she was, wishing she was her old self.

"H-How is h…" she rasped at the doctor.

"No talking, Shepard. You're lucky you still have your voice," Chakwas snapped, writing on a clipboard. She turned back to Shepard's glare. "He will be fine. He needs rest, just like you. It's a good thing Kirrahe got here when he did or else you both might have been dead," the doctor sounded grateful, despite her strict prescriptions.

Before she could try to speak, Liara walked into the room.

"Shepard! Thank the goddess," She rushed over and hugged her friend. A happy face is just what the former commander needed. The asari squeezed her shoulders. Shepard returned the embrace, patting her back.

 _Thank you_ , she mouthed.

Liara grabbed a nearby chair, sitting between Shepard and Garrus' cots. Liara kept one of Shepard's hands, giving them a small amount of pressure. Shepard was forever grateful to her friend for her positive attitude. The moral support of Liara was more effective than Kaidan. Just as she thought that, the asari turned to her ex.

"I can take it from here, Kaidan" she said politely.

Kaidan nodded getting up from his seat, "let me know if you need anything" he said to Shepard. She merely nodded when he walked out. Shepard turned to Liara, a million questions on her tongue.

Liara read her well and began listing off what she knew, "The _Destiny Ascension_ is one piece, the two councilors are fine, just shaken, Kirrahe is on the ship and ready to talk whenever you are-"

"-She isn't ready!" Chakwas interrupted.

Liara smiled apologetically.

"I shouldn't have let you go alone," Liara said after a long pause. Shepard tried to protest and the asari just shook her head. No one could have stopped Shepard after the elevator had reached the top. She knew something was deeply wrong. After some arguing, Liara had told her to use the vent on the ceiling. She scaled the wall using her biotics before reaching the small tunnel. She fit and and used her omni-tool to map out the ship. Liara tried to go with her but she couldn't risk her friend's life, not after everything she has done for her. "I should have known something was wrong. I let you go because I truly believed we were only extracting the councilors. It was very naive of me. I'm so sorry, Shepard" she bowed her head.

Now Shepard squeezed the asari's hand and was the one to shake her head. Her solemn blue eyes looked to her commander. "You…" she tried to clear her throat but felt it reject her, "couldn't have known" she croaked. Chakwas gave her a prescription that would make her drowsy. She could feel the lull of sleep after taking the pill.

"But I-"

"Needed t-… stay" she finished for her.

"I guess…" Liara trailed off.

"That...was an order" she used the last of her breath to say the words, exhausted by talking.

"Yes, Commander," were the last words Shepard heard.

Shepard was not sure how long she left but she hated the sleep. It was dreamless but it was forced. It was the drugged stupor she woke up to was what she hated. The sleep wasn't natural and the medicine only made her more tired. It hurt to eat or drink anything so Chakwas had her on a strict liquid diet. Garrus had apparently woken up at one point during the night cycle but not enough to notice Shepard; he was also under a drugged sleep. Incoherently,he went back to sleep before even asking Chakwas what was going on.

Chakwas finally took bandages off Shepard's head two days after the attack, the bleeding had eased up enough. Remembering the fight, her hand reach back immediately and found a severe lack of long hair. The strands were all uneven and yet, she seemed to like it. All the long hair got annoying to keep in line. Chakwas had held a mirror behind her while she snipped at the split ends, giving herself almost a pixie cut; something she had always wanted to try but never felt was a right fit. She could not think of anything better.

After, she looked at Garrus, who had miraculously started moving. Shepard limped over to the chair by his cot. His eye slit open. Instinctively, she grabbed his hand. It took him a few minutes to come to.

"Take a slow, Garrus. You had it the worst" Chakwas said, holding a tight hand over his shoulder. He looked over from Chakwas to Shepard.

"Shepard, what happened?" he asked, rubbing his head. Shepard tried to speak but only seemed to rasp out nothingness. His eyes got wider when he saw her struggling. He then saw her neck, still covered in bandages. He started to get up but Chakwas and Shepard pushed him down. He easily broke through both of them, cradling her head with one head. She tried not to wince with his talons like that on her neck. His fingers twisted through her short hair. His look got more menacing at the realization of what had happened. "Who did this to you?" he demanded, trying to catch his own voice. Chakwas stepped back for once. Shepard then noted the only way to get the doctor to back off was to become a Turian. _Damn_ , she thought. She heard the air rushed as the door opened then closed.

"I'm-...fine" her voice just barely reached audibility.

He loosened his grip but his mandibles pulled together tightly.

"Aria…" She managed to say. "It'-ll…" she took a deep breath trying to relieve her throat, "come back…"

"Shepard…" he shook his head. She couldn't read his expression. She could not tell if he was angry or upset or both. He pulled her into his neck. He wrapped his other hand around her waist, holding her in an awkward embrace. She returned it, relieved that she could at least hold him. " _Spirits_...I'm sorry" he whispered into her ear. She caressed his face without bringing her head up. They stayed in that position for a long while before Garrus pulled away just enough to look at her face. "You saved us," he said.

Shepard huffed and shook her head. Coughing, she spit "made it worse."

"The situation had already gone to hell. Everyone is alive because of you." He pulled her back to look into her eyes. "We will find her and stop her" he said.

"Together" she said, muted.

He nodded. She wanted to use her voice so bad. Tell him how sorry _she_ was because of everything that had happened before the _Destiny Ascension_. She wanted to tell him there was no one else. She just needed to know that her feelings were genuine. Seeing him broken on the floor like that resonated something in her. She had been there before. It was something from her past life, no images, just the urgency. Her instincts acted on her impulses. She had given up so easily, feeling trapped with no way out. She nearly let go of everything she had worked hard to get back. She refused to be weak yet giving up was the weakest thing she did. If Kirrahe hadn't come along, they would have rotted on the _Ascension_. He tipped her chin, knowing she had been thinking too hard.

"N...early gave-..." she winced, waiting for the pain to pass, "up."

Shepard was not sure of Garrus' expression until he let out a humorless laugh, "Going into each mission, Shepard, we're giving up until we have a chance to succeed. We always expect the best and prepare for the worst," He struggled now. "This was your first mission since the Reaper War. You weren't graceful yet here we are," he leaned in, their foreheads touching, "because you refused to die without a fight," he ran his fingers through her pixie hair, "damn, that's one of the things I always loved about you, Jane," now when he said her name, it wasn't full of remorse, it was full of affection, love, and awe. He made it sound like it belonged to her and not a ghost. Her fingers found their way to the back of his neck, near his fringe. Her heart was slamming in her chest so much it hurt. She was done thinking. She was done choosing. The one she needed was there, alive because of her.

"Damn it," she said, feeling her eyes water. She hated crying. She'd done enough crying to last her a lifetime. "Just…" her throat screamed to stop, blinking through the tears, "Please just kiss me, Garrus," she whispered as loud as she could. He didn't hesitate, he brought her lips to his mouth plates. As hard as his mouth plates were, it was gentle, patient, and deliberate. Then it clicked. Kaidan felt all wrong because this is what she had been waiting for. Everything about kissing Kaidan was rushed, too excited, too fast. She can't even kiss humans anymore because she was never meant to be with one. She was always meant to be with Garrus. She wrapped her arms around his neck, breathing him in, taking him all in. He constricted her in a cage of his arms, nearly breaking her in half. Her body hollered in protest especially her neck. She didn't stop though, she had been waiting long enough. Her fingers gripped to his fringe and he groaned inside her mouth. Before she could do it again, she heard the rush of the medbay doors and a gasp. Like two positive magnets, they pulled away from each other quickly.

"Sheparddddd!" Tali exclaimed in the threshold, "Garrussss!"

"Tali?" They both asked, confused.

Tali was wrapped in a blanket, swaying. "I knewwww it! I knew it, I knew it!" She began walking but lost her balance. Shepard jumped from the cot to catch her.

"Tali," Shepard whispered "Been drinking?" She asked hoarsely.

"What?" Tali nearly yelled into the commander's' ear. Shepard looked to Garrus, panicked.

"How much have you had to drink, Tali?" Garrus asked slowly.

She held up her fingers in a O, "Zippp! Dr. Chakwas gave me some medicine for my infection" She then sneezed, " _You!"_ she pointed to the turian. She swayed away from Shepard who kept a firm hand on her shoulder. "You and her...you were….!" she tried to find her words.

"Yes Tali, go back to bed" He finished for her, standing up, regaining balance on the cot.

"Are you? Are you gonna ask her?" Tali asked, stumbling over to him, hand on his arm as an anchor.

"Ask me…?" Shepard asked really confused. She looked to Garrus, nervous. His mandibles shot out in shock.

"That's it! Back to bed, Tali" He guided her to the door.

"Garrus!" Shepard tried to say but he was already through the door.

What had just happened? Shepard sat on the cot, small smile on her face.

After Garrus had gotten the drugged Quarian backed to her quarters, it was only then he noticed the searing pain in his abdomen. Something didn't feel right. He stuck his talon under his fatigues and felt a sticky substance. "Fuck," he cussed. The staples had broken apart from his wound. He dragged himself into the elevator and back to the medbay.

When the doors opened to the crew's quarters, he found Major Kirrahe in the flesh. The Salarian smiled, "Commander Vakarian" He stuck his arm out for a handshake.

"Please, Kirrahe, it's just Garrus," the turian shook his hand with his clean talon.

"Sorry for being so formal then. How are-..." he stopped abruptly, noticing the turian grasping his stomach, "are you bleeding?" he asked.

"Just a scratch" he winced at the pain that was only getting worse, "I'm going to the medbay if you'd like to talk. Shepard is there too." He began walking and the Salarian slipped his arm under him as a support.

"Absolutely," he concurred.

They walked into the medbay and Shepard stood from her cot. Her eyes got bigger from looking at his wound. She bolted over to his other side. Chakwas was still absent. They settled Garrus into his cot and Shepard touched his face briefly.

"I'll-...go find…" she just gestured behind her. Garrus nodded. She passed by Kirrahe without so much as a sideways gaze. The salarian stared after her, not conveying any emotion. Shepard limped from the medbay.

Kirrahe turned to the turian. Garrus was looking at the door. "She looks better" Kirrahe murmured, "you weren't kidding, her memory is gone."

He took a deep breath, "she's...made some progress"

"She hasn't seemed to forgotten you, my friend," the major commented.

"We've come along way, though, I'm sure you have not stayed this long just to ask about my personal life" the turian joked.

"I wanted to speak with you before I left," Kirrahe stated. Garrus gestured for him to sit in the chair beside the cot. "I can't thank you enough for saving our councilor. From what I've heard of Aria, she must have been truly distracted to just leave both the Salarian and Turian councilor's alive. I wonder why that is," he said, putting his fingers to his lips, pondering.

"Either way, we were lucky if it wasn't for Shepard," Garrus said.

"She is remarkable. I always knew the commander was stubborn but even when she has no idea what is going on," Kirrahe said in awe.

Garrus' mandibles pulled together, "What do you mean? She knew exactly what was going on. That is how she saved us," the Turian felt his temper flaring. Shepard was not a simpleton, even now. She may have lost her memory but she is still smart in the battlefield. She still thinks on her feet. She is a little rusty but who wouldn't after what she has been through?

"I apologize, I used the wrong words," the salarian held up his hands in defensive position, "having lost her knowledge of commanding and battlefield tactics, she was very resilient."

"Apology accepted. You could say my protectiveness over her has grown in the time she has rejoined us on the Normandy," the turian said, wondering where his mate was at that moment.

"Being protective means you have not lost sight of what is important to you; the reason you go into battle everyday…" the salarian trailed.

"But?" Garrus prompted, knowing there was more.

"Say she does not get her memory back," Garrus felt a twinge of distress in his heart from this, Kirrahe continued, "would you be able to relinquish command to her if she had asked for it?"

Garrus opened his mouth and then closed it. Of course he would give her the Normandy back, wouldn't he? However if she walked to the medbay in that exact moment and asked for the Normandy from him, would he do it? He felt a strong desire to oppose it, keep the Normandy under his command until she was ready. _Until she was ready_. Would she ever be if her memory never returned? It took her years before she was put onto the Normandy; Alliance bootcamp, countless missions, N7 training, Elysium...

"She's a spectre, I have no say," Garrus said, fearing the words as they left him. She could invoke her spectre status and he cannot stand up to that.

"Yes, she maybe a Spectre, but she is honorable. It is one of her weaknesses I'm afraid. She will not allow herself to do things because her honor dictates her from doing so. She hardly ever invokes her Spectre status unless she deems the situation has no other solution," he said slowly, taking his time with his words.

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying that you must not let your feelings for her as your mate,-" Garrus had been shocked to hear him use that terminology for his relationship to Shepard. It was no secret to anyone in the galaxy now what Garrus and his former commander have, "-get in the way of your duty as interim Commander of this vessel. You must hold your ground, do what is best for the Normandy, not just Shepard," the salarian looked stern yet concerned. Duty was always first to Kirrahe, a good captain, a better major, and one hell of a comrade.

"I will take that into consideration, Major. Thank you for the talk," he said as Chakwas entered the medbay. She let out a rough sigh at the sight of Garrus holding together his wound.

"I will take my leave. If you are ever in need of my assistance, I am a call away. I will be taking the Salarian councilor with me as he must meet with the dalatrass as to the condition of sur'kesh," Kirrahe sighed.

"Of course, send him my regards, Stay safe out there, Kirrahe" Garrus replied, giving him a solid clasp on the shoulder.

The major nodded and left the medbay swiftly.

Chakwas walked out to him with a sterile stapler, "I hope you don't think you're getting any numbing agents. This is a lesson for running before you can walk, Garrus" She chastised.

The turian commander looked away from her, "I wouldn't have thought you to be so merciful, doctor"

"Good"

He felt the gun to his gut and he refused to wince. She put six staples in his abdomen. Damn, those fuckers were sharp. He grunted each time they entered his skin. He felt that if he moved, he would burst.

"Don't move," She wagged her finger at him.

"Yes, Ma'am" Garrus croaked.


	11. Butterflies

_A/N: Hey all! I know it's been too long but being a senior in college can be a bit demanding. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I'm warning you now there is quite a bit of FemShep/Garrus smut going on so if you're not interested in reading that part or are uncomfortable with it, feel free to skip over the lemon/smut brackets. This is not the last of it and the chapter will seem rather short without having read it so I apologize. For the rest of you all, enjoy! I hope to have the next chapter out soon! Xoxo Kristin_

Jane Chapter 11

"Not….the news I wanted to hear," Hackett said over the intercom. Garrus and Shepard stood, unsure of what to say of their situation. Neither of them knew Aria's next move, she had moved off the grid. Any hope of finding her was scarce, not with the current condition of the galaxy.

"So, now what?" Shepard croaked. It had been a few days since the attack. Slowly she had been talking more. This was the first day she was speaking in full sentences.

"She could have headed back to Omega, that's her headquarters," Garrus invoked.

"Although that does seem like the logical idea, it is also the obvious one. She would want you to go to Omega. She'd lure you all in and attack. No, she has to be somewhere else. We have scouts all over the galaxy right now, but so far nothing" the admiral concluded, bringing his finger to his lips. He pondered for a moment. They were all silent.

"What about the citadel?" Shepard said, breaking the silence. "That was her temporary home during the war, right?"

"Yes but the only people on the citadel are the construction and reparation crews. There is nothing for her there" Hackett countered.

"Are you sure?" Shepard pressed.

"I'll send more patrols, Shepard, but no one has been in or out of the citadel except for those workers" He said. They both remained silence. Guilt weighed on Shepard's shoulders, she knew she could have stopped her, if only she hadn't barged in like that. "Well, in the meantime, sit tight and wait for further instructions." Before either of them could argue, the admiral ended the transmission.

***Lemons***Smut***Lemons***Smut***

Shepard sighed, leaning against the panel. She smoothed out the small braid in her hair that had been sticking out. She made everything worse by trying to save everyone; Aria had gotten away.

"We'll find her, Shepard" Garrus said, pulling her out of her revere.

She brushed passed the turian, "I gotta change my bandages," she said softly walking towards the CIC. She stood in the scanner while Campbell greeted her. The former commander gave her a weak nod. Once she reached the crew's quarters, she went to her room rather than the medbay. She pulled gauze out of the drawer beside her bed. She stared at the void of space while gingerly ripping the old bandages off her neck. She winced at the faint ache of her neck, dropping the adhesive in the trash beside her. The air from her door rushed and she ignored Garrus. She tore open the new package of gauze and began unraveling it when she felt cool alien fingers on her shoulder. She looked up in the reflection and saw him staring at her. He wasn't happy. As she began to wrap her neck, he stopped her. Shepard huffed, staring at her yellowing wounds. Her failures streaked across her neck and hollowed in her throat. Ignoring the growing anger in her chest, she continued to wrap her neck. Garrus helped, pulling around the bandages gingerly.

Shepard winced again and he stopped, "did I hurt you?"

"I'm fine" she said curtly, ripping off the adhesive. She finished by herself and cleaned up the package. She returned her gaze to the window, hands on the railing. Stars were sprinkled across the dark blackness of space providing the most amazing natural nightlight. She began linking constellations she knew, trying to keep her mind off the frustration and guilt in the back of her mind. She then felt a pair of rough hands slide down her shoulders and next to her fingers on the railing. Shepard felt his breath in her hair and there was a faint chill on her mouth plates found their way to her ear and her shoulders naturally bunched up. Her fight or flight instinct seemed to kick in. While her mind told her there was a predator behind her, her heart told her it was only Garrus.

"So how long are you going to pout?" His voice was smooth like velvet. His subharmonics were dropping to a sensual tone. She opened her mouth to answer but felt him planting small kisses on her ear, trailing them down her neck. They hadn't even been this close since they had first kissed nearly a week before. She breathed in through her teeth, trying to keep her goosebumps from prickling her arms at an embarrassing rate.

"As long as it-" he voice shot up an octave when she felt his tongue at her ear, "takes" Shepard said nearly breathlessly. Sensing her nervousness, he retracted himself and simply nudged the back of her head with his. His arms found a way around her waist in a tight hug. She sighed, wanting to kick herself for making him stop. She wanted to but it just didn't feel like a good time. _When would it be?_ She asked herself. He turned her in his arms to face him. "Sorry" she muttered.

"Don't be sorry, Shepard. I...forgot for a moment" Garrus shrugged like it was no big deal. His subharmonics conveyed disappointment. _Damn_ , she thought. She was getting better at reading him.

"Garrus, I…" She trailed, trying to find her words. She bit down on her bottom lip, trying to hide the guilt. He took her chin in his fingers and planted a quick kiss on her lips.

"For my own sanity, please _do not_ bite your lip like that" he said against her mouth. Her breath hitched at this. "Just tell me to stop and I will," he whispered to her. She shouldn't, she knew she shouldn't. In reality, without her memory, she just met Garrus three weeks ago. She was figuring her life out. Despite the fact that her body and her heart loved Garrus, she needed to know him more. He needed to be more...familiar as odd as it sounded. Even though he was the one she forgot the least, she needed more time. Yet here they were, in the middle of downtime. Her body wanted to forget her failures, her troubles. She wanted him at the same time; isn't that a good a time as any? No, she wouldn't use him.

The word was on her tongue, she went to say it and her body did the exact opposite. She smashed her mouth to his, plunging into a deep kiss. The turian was taken by surprise by this but didn't object. He lifted her by the back of her legs and sat her on the railing, naturally her legs responded and wrapped around his waist. Her arms wrapped around his neck, fingers gripping his fringe, she knew he liked that. At that moment, he moaned softly in her mouth. Their tongues met and it was all over. Shepard felt herself let go of control, allowing her primal instinct take over. She fumbled with the clips on his armor, her brain had completely turned off.

Now he broke the kiss between them, only leaving enough space for words, "Shepard, are you sure?" He sounded genuinely worried. She closed the space, getting him quiet. She felt the armor unclip. She had to keep herself from grinning in tried to break again so Shepard beat him to the punch.

"God, Garrus, shut up," She muttered.

"You asked for it," he murmured back, sounding final. With that, he lifted her by her waist and dropped her to her feet. Frustrated, she glared at him but he only put two talons to her lips. He grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her to the door forcefully. Her heart thudded hard in her chest. By god, she wanted him. He hit the button by the elevator. Why his cabin? There's a perfectly good bed in her room. She huffed, rustling her hair with her free hand. Just as the elevator doors opened she caught sight of Kaidan coming out of the crew's quarters. His eyes widened incredulously, she wondered what her expression looked like. Before anything else embarrassing could happen, the turian tugged her into the elevator and slammed his fist on the level.

The moment the doors shut, he picked her up again and slammed her back into the wall, his tongue down her throat, her legs wrapped around his waist once more. Her spine screamed in pain and she ignored it. This time she twisted her ankles, daring him to let her down. Her hips grinded against his, feeding her inner desires. He moved his hips in tandem with her and she couldn't thank him enough for not fighting her for it. The elevator dinged. Never breaking, he carried her to his-their quarters. He twisted the lock on the door and there was a ping.

She could already feel the heat in her stomach approaching. She didn't remember this feeling but she is sure loved it. Then there was a mattress on her back. She ripped his armor off finally since he had interrupted last time. His finger trailed along the inside of her thighs and felt the outline of her panties. She sucked in a breath and felt heat go straight between her legs.

"Shepard' he said, breathing deeply, his other finger lined her pants, tugging them down.

"Yeah?" she breathed.

"I don't know how but that's the fastest you have ever gotten my armor off" she heard the smirking in his voice. She let out a husky laugh. _Of course_. The turian had gotten her pants off. He pushed her deeper in the the bed. She felt his sharp teeth gnawing at her neck. She panted his name. The skin under his teeth pleaded for relief but all she could think about was how much she needed him. Her shaky fingers pulled at the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head. At the same time, he began twisting away the buckle of her bra. With a flick of a finger the undergarment was off and thrown across the room. Meanwhile, she felt the pad of his other finger slip inside her panties. Shepard let out an involuntary grunt, trying to cover it with a cough in her throat. Embarrassing. Then there was faint laugh from Garrus and Shepard smacked him lightly. As if to punish her, he pressed his finger against her clitoris. _Fuck_ , she thought. He began to rub in small circular motions. Of course he knew all the right spots better than she did. The heating sensation blossomed under his finger. Her hips bucked under him and she brought her mouth to his again. She let her own hands wander across his face down his mandible, exploring his rough chest. He moved down farther over, his finger hovering over the entrance to her vagina. It was soaking wet at this point. It was too painful, she needed him inside of her in some way shape or form. The word bubbled to her lips, she tried to stop it, but it just came out.

In her highest voice she uttered, "Garrus, please"

He answered by shoving his longer finger in the entrance. Shepard let out a high pitched moan, feeling herself close in on him. They entangled themselves more under the sheet as she grunted along with his mechanical movements in and out. It was still painfully slow, her body begging for mercy and release. She forced her hips on his finger, harder. He placed a firm hand on her hip, stopping her.

"You're...awful" Shepard said between pants.

"I always loved teasing you" He whispered in her ear, amused.

"Payback's a bitch, Vakarian" She uttered back. With that her hand had traveled around the bulge in his pants. He sucked in a breath. Shepard grinned at him evilly and put pressure on it. She loved the feeling of it in her hands, she had been aching to touch him for so long. He took his finger out from her and lifted her by her waist, shoving his face between her boobs, kissing down.

"Ahh~~what are you doing?" She asked nervously.

He kissed around her right breast, "so many questions," his tongue ran across the nipple. As he sucked on it, she shivered, feeling only his hand on the bare small of her back. She loved it and hated it at the same time. He moved on, trailing his tongue down her stomach. The trail left a cold line down her body. She said his name again, pleading him not to stop. "Remember, this is all your fault" he said murmured between her thighs. Before she could rebuttal, his hot tongue was exploring her clit. She gasped, fingers tightening around the sheets. It felt so good. He roamed, slowly and lightly lapping between her folds in the same circular motion as his finger. All that could be heard were the sighs coming from her mouth. This shouldn't be happening, she shouldn't be letting this happen but god she wanted it. His hands were grasped on her butt in a firm manner. He moved down towards her entrance and without a second of hesitation, shoved his tongue inside her. She moaned loudly, her back arching against the bed.

"Oh, Garrus!" she groaned, writhing her hips against his mouth, "Don't stop" she pled with him. As if to humor her, he dug himself impossibly farther into her vagina. She had never felt so magnificent. She didn't know how much longer she could hold out. He lapped quicker and quicker in rhythm with the riding of her heat just kept getting stronger and stronger until- "Garrus, I-...I'm gonna-!" She squeaked when he hit just the right spot. There was a release of cum as she climaxed into his mouth. She let out a wild scream as she orgasmed.

The stress rolled off her shoulders as the alien below her came up for air. He laid beside her, breathing deeply. He looked over at her, his lazy blue eyes bored into hers, "Spirits," he whispered. He took the back of his hand and caressed her cheek. She held it, fingers intertwining. "You're gorgeous" he said to her. Her heart swelled when he said this to her. She was so worried, so afraid of the unknown. She let her guard down, let herself love him the way her body used to.

It was as if she let her primal instincts take over again as she sat up and straddle him on the bed. The only thing that separated penetration was his pants. She began to hump against his hips. Now he was the one at a loss for words. His breath was shaken. His hands found her ass and guided her with him. The bulge in his pants got harder. She didn't even know her hips could glide into his the way they did. She needed more as she stuck her own hand down his pants, feeling his bare alien penis. "Ah~~what are you doing?" Garrus echoed the words she had used only minutes ago. She grinned and continued to massage his member. Meanwhile her lips met with his neck which was surprisingly soft compared to the rest of his body. She could never imagine the Turian breaking the way he was, shivering underneath her legs.

She only kissed up to his ear and whispered, "you talk too much." He hissed native words that were too soft for her translator to pick up on. For some reason, she found this incredibly alluring and thrust her hand up and down hard on him. She received a grunt in response to this but no words. Her fingers began unbuttoning his pants but a strong hand caught her wrist. Shepard was shocked he stopped her.

"Shepard...no," if Shepard could read her lover's expression, it resembled somewhat sheepish. Was he guilty? Embarrassed?

"What's wrong" she said, continuing to massage him nevertheless. He did not move to stop her then. He sucked in a breath, composing his thoughts.

"Not that, not yet anyway," his breath hitched at the end. She felt like arguing but the at the same time, her thoughts were preoccupied with the amount of Garrus in her hand. She just kissed him aggressively, finishing him off. It wasn't long before he was moaning loudly into her mouth as he orgasmed. She retracted her hand from his pants.

Without thinking much, she brought her fingers to her mouth. Before she could taste it, he stopped her, "spirits, thanks for reminding me" he said. Shepard watched confused as he opened a drawer besides the bed. He pulled out two syringes.

"What are you doing?!" She nearly shrieked as he plunged the needle into thigh. Once the fluid was injected, he struck her with the other needle in her thigh. She yelped at the impact she was not expecting. "What the fuck, Garrus?!" Anger filled her when he tossed the two needles out. When he saw her expression, he touched her face.

"Did you forget about our chemical makeup?" he asked her.

"Our wh- _oh_ ," she said when she remembered, "We're allergic to each other." Turians were made up of dextro-amino acids while humans were made up of levo-amino acids. The two contradict each other by nature. If the chemicals from Garrus' tongue and the fluids from Shepard's vagina were digested. Shepard shivered, her hand ghosting over her privates.

"'Allergic' is one way to put it. We just need to be careful when being," he cleared his throat, "intimate."

"Right," she said.

***Lemons***Smut***Lemons***Smut***

Garrus handed her her shirt and pants. She quietly redressed while Garrus got up to clean up in the bathroom. He came out in looser clothes, the ones he usually wore for bed or lounging. The clock beside the bed indicated it was still early into the night cycle. He caught sight of her and they exchanged glances for an uncomfortable amount of time. He grabbed a datapad then and sat down on the couch. "So…" she fiddled her fingers together. _We just had our most intimate time together since meeting again and he's sitting there...reading a data pad?!_ Shepard was wondering if she felt used. She made her way over to him and sat down next to him. "Is it always this awkward after..having relations?" Shepard finally asked.

He huffed and kept looking at the datapad, "not since the first time" he said.

"Then why?" Shepard tried to sound amused to conceal her lack of confidence.

Now he put the datapad down, "Shepard, I just had to teach you how to be intimate again. I sometimes still have no idea what I'm doing. I can only hope I'm not embarrassing you," the turian avoided eye contact.

"Wait...you're afraid of embarrassing me? I was afraid I was embarrassing you!" Shepard said, surprised.

"Shepard, _please,_ " Garrus rolled his eyes at her, "you could never embarrass me. You always put my romantic...suave to shame"

"But...I didn't even know what I was doing" she muttered, looking down at her thumbs.

"And yet you were amazing as always," he chuckled, "typical," he muttered into her ear sarcastically. Now Shepard chuckled as he took her face in his hands and held their heads together. "We'll have plenty of time… to get re-acquainted," Shepard was beginning to get distracted by how sexy his voice was.

"Is that…" she lost her voice as he trailed kisses down her neck.

He gave her a subtle, " _hmm?_ " to continue.

"Why we didn't go…" her voice trailed off again, distracted by her mouth on top of the pulse of her heartbeat on her neck, "all the way?" she finally finished. He made himself back up to her face, planting one more kiss on her mouth.

"You make us sound like teenagers," he mused. "We have time," he said.

"But what if we don't?" She pressed.

"Spirits, Shepard, then I will happily find the nearest surface and make shameless love to you on top of it over and over again until we die. That would be more preferable than any other painful deaths. Good?" He finished, exasperated.

"You know I'm going to hold you to that, right"

"I wouldn't have it any other way," He said to her softly.

At dinner, Shepard sat next to Samantha with Joker, and James sat across the table in the mess. Garrus had gone back to the main battery to finally get to his calibrations. Shepard was not sure if it was her but he sured loved saying "calibrating." Shepard picked at her fried rice, No matter how many times she tossed the grains, they still tasted bland. They were all silent as they ate their meals until Joker pushed his towards the center of the table.

"Typical Alliance. We sit and wait for orders. Sometimes I miss Cerberus when we could do what we wanted."

"Until they get a hint on Aria's location, we have to sit put," Traynor replied, her eyes guilty, "Believe me I tried finding any clues to her location but her trail went cold about 2 light years out from the _Ascension_ " She avoided eye contact with everyone.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Traynor. You tried your best" James said, chewing on some jerky.

Shepard patted the specialist's back softly. She had her face inside her hands when she groaned, "at this point we'd need a bloody supercomputer," she cried through her muffled fingers.

The humans all looked up at once except for Traynor. James was smirking and Joker was apprehensive. Why had none of them thought of it before?

"Maybe not quite a supercomputer but-" Shepard started.

"-but an AI," James finished.

"What are you guys talking about?" Joker asked incredulously.

They all hesitated except for Shepard, "we need EDI."

"No" Joker said quickly.

"Why?" Shepard asked earnestly.

"You know why," the pilot got up then and limped away.

Shepard didn't know, though. It was something Garrus had failed to tell her. All she know is that EDI was an AI and Joker had unshackled her to make her a true AI in order to save the ship from the collectors. Before Garrus could tell her anymore, she had already asked about the collectors so they had moved on. Shepard got up and followed him. She heard the two alliance personnel call after her. She reached Joker at the elevator.

"I need to get back to the bridge," he muttered.

"Jeff, talk to me" She pushed. The doors opened but before Joker could hit the second floor, she stepped in front of the console and hit the button to close the doors. He finally looked at her, his eyes watery. "Tell me. I'm… trying to understand" she said.

"You...don't know about me and EDI?" he asked.

"You and EDI? The ship's AI?" Shepard only became more confused.

"She was more than that!" He snapped. The wheels began turning in the former commander's head. "She was one of us. I…" he bowed his head. He sucked in a deep breath, his shoulders shuddering. Shepard waited patient for him to regain control of his emotions. "I loved her, commander" he whimpered. _He...loved her?_ Shepard wondered. She didn't even realize that was possible. In a galaxy like this, anything could be possible. Here Joker was, mourning for a machine. Not a machine. A woman. Shepard was conflicted over what to say. Though she knew they needed EDI to continue the mission, she couldn't put Joker through her resurrection.

"I don't understand, wouldn't you want her back?" Shepard asked.

"What? So she can end up like you? Shutting down the way she did would require a hard reset. It would take months to reprogram her and she still wouldn't know any of us!" He slammed his fist into the wall.

Shepard ignored the jab at her. There was no need to get into a fight over it, this would not help her case. "So you'd rather she stayed dead?" she slipped in the organic term for obsolete.

"Yes, for my own sanity. I can't watch someone walk around in EDI's body, with EDI's voice, and mannerisms. It would hurt too much," he rebutted.

Was this how Garrus felt? Everytime she looked at him, he knew she didn't see the history they held. Each and everyone of her friends and comrades knew more about each individual relationship than she could ever known. Shepard had come used to the idea of perhaps never getting her memory back. Part of her fears that Garrus would resent her for it, fearing he would not love her for what she was now, broken but not beyond repair. But maybe not all hope was lost for EDI.

"What if we brought her back, memories intact?" Shepard asked slowly. She felt something in her chest when she said this.

Joker hesitated. Shepard could see the "No" on his lips but he had stopped himself. It was a long few moments of his contemplation. Shepard stood by, conflicted by her own emotions. If there was chance for EDI to get her memory back, shouldn't she get the chance that Shepard didn't? _It's different, she's a machine, you're a human_ , Shepard thought. Her eyebrows scrunched together. She couldn't be programed like EDI, she wish she could though.

"Fine," the pilot only uttered

"We'll bring her back, I" Shepard started.

"-but," Joker interrupted, "if you can't bring her memories of me, you, or any of us back, I will render her obsolete myself….permanently." His tired, grief-stricken eyes bored into hers. There was no talking him out of that decision. Shepard nodded without another word and pushed the second-floor button. Joker left his commander in the elevator without another word.

Once the doors closed, Shepard opened omni-tool, "Garrus, Tali, meet me in my quarters in 5 minutes."

They all met in the privacy of the port observation deck. Shepard explained her idea about fixing up EDI to find Aria.

"Bringing EDI back up to speed isn't the problem," Tali said.

"It's her memory core," Garrus finished.

'What do you mean? Can't we just turn her off and turn her back on again?" Shepard asked frustrated.

"She's not a personal laptop, Shepard. She's a fully functioning AI. We've tried starting her backup again but all of the important memory data inflicted with a virus. We'd have to give her a complete restart," Garrus calculated.

"Is there anyway to quarantine the virus and kill it separately?" Shepard asked.

"Not without wiping the memory," Tali replied.

"We can't do this alone, we'd need someone with knowledge of foreign technology," Garrus added.

They all stood in the middle of room, contemplating their next move. Not two seconds later, Garrus and Tali shot looks at each other. Shepard looked between them, confused as ever.

"So is there alien telepathy going on that I don't know about? The human wants in on your secrets," Shepard mused.

"There is someone…" Tali trailed off, "but we can't be sure of where she is,"

"I can only hope you guys were talking about little ol' me," a female's voice said. Shepard gasped when a clouded figure appeared behind her. From the voice, She backed into Garrus who caught her waist, steadying her. She was in a dark violet cloak which covered her face. The light reflected off her eyes from the shadows but her face was hidden. Her lips curved up, a dab on purple lipstick in the middle of her mouth.

"Kasumi...how did you get here?" Tali asked. Garrus didn't seem surprised either.

"Please, I've been here," Kasumi scoffed, like it was no big deal.

"Okay, when did you get here?" Garrus pushed.

"Uhhh...whenever the ship last took off from Earth" Kasumi said with impatient tone. Garrus and Tali looked at each other. Shepard was once again left in the dust, confused as ever. This random cloaked woman shows up out of nowhere and her friends didn't seem to care in the least!

"You've been on this ship, sneaking around for 3 weeks?" Shepard now spoke. She was agitated now because she simply had no clue what was going on.

"Way to catch on, Shep," Kasumi exclaimed sarcastically.

Shepard grunted.

"Shepard, this is Kasumi. She helped us when this was a cerberus vessel, one of the best thieves in the galaxy if I ever saw one," Garrus explained, filling her in.

"We let a thief aboard our ship?" Shepard asked suspicious.

"Hey hey we let an assassin on the ship, _and_ a tank-bred krogan, _and_ a super charged biotic! Seriously, you're worried about a thief?" Kasumi said exasperated at Shepard's mistrust in her.

Shepard huffed, "I suppose not but why didn't you tell us you were here?"

"Didn't need to. Since the crucible, you know, did its job, I had nowhere else to go. So I snuck onto the Normandy, been hanging around the shuttle bay," the thief shrugged.

"You could move up to the crew's quarters if you'd like," Garrus offered.

"Thanks but I get a great view in the shuttle bay," Kasumi declined politely.

"There's no windows down there," Tali said.

"Oh no, I have a great view of Vega packing in some serious heat," Kasumi swooned, using her hand as a fan. Shepard rolled her eyes, trying not to think of Vega's rock hard abs.

"Would you be able to help us with EDI?" Garrus asked.

"Please. Remember who you're talking to," Kasumi exclaimed with her hand on her hip.

"Then let's get started," Tali concluded. The four headed towards the AI core to resurrect yet another friend of the Normandy.


	12. Mindoir

_A/N: Hello everyone! College is very stressful but I've been playing lots of Mass Andromeda and I loveee it! It inspired me to start the final mission of my ME3 playthrough cause its too damn sad. Please feel free to leave reviews! I tried not to implement feels in this chapter and I failed miserably! Ah well... enjoy! -Kristin_

Jane Chapter 12

Kasumi, Tali, and Garrus began work right away on EDI. Shepard proceeded to call Hackett to fill him in. He was willing to try anything and spent little time talking about it. He would keep scouting the galaxy while the Normandy's tech experts worked on their friend. Shepard finished the call with a salute and headed down to the AI core. Garrus and Kasumi were working on the software, trying to find the virus and quarantine in. Tali was working on the bench at the end of the room on EDI's body.

Shepard kneeled by Tali to get a closer look at EDI. If not for the metallic skin, she would have thought she were human. Her pupil-less eyes stared into nothing; obsolete. Meanwhile, a section of her forehead had been taken off to reveal a series of wires and vents. Tali was using tweezers to maneuver around the AI's complicated set up. The Quarian was mumbling in her native language, agitated and probably cursing.

"So this is EDI?" Shepard asked her friend.

"No, _that's_ EDI," she gestured to the giant computer hardware setup Kasumi and Garrus were operating over. "This was just her physical platform. This is also what made her, for lack of a better word, alive, to all of us." Shepard nodded as she pulled on a cord. Then she slammed her hand down, "Stupid boostet wire!" she exclaimed.

"What kind of wire?" Shepard asked, confused.

"Oh it's nothing. I feel like I'm doing brain surgery here. All these conductors have to be in a certain spot or I could compromise her entire physical form! My hands are too shaky." Tali cried.

"Why is her physical platform so important?" Shepard wondered.

"She's a good fighter, shes more useful than being stuck in the ship," Tali replied.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" She offered.

"Unless there is a way to connect this wire, to this inlet right here" Tali pointed between the two. Shepard studied the conundrum for a second before rolling her eyes back into her head, relaxing. She opened her eyes then and brought her fingers up slowly, not touching EDI but allowing her biotics connect the two pieces of machinery. Smooth as silk, she connected the wire to the inlet.

"Keelah, thank you, Shepard," Tali expressed.

"You're welcome. Let me know if you need me," Shepard said getting up.

Hours passed as the four worked on EDI. Shepard assisted with her smooth biotic fingers when needed, occasionally leaving to go train when she felt she was not needed. Garrus and Kasumi argued over how to quarantine the virus. While Garrus was not about taking risks on EDI's memory, Kasumi was more in favor of doing a hard reset.

"You really think the guy with brittle bones would have the balls to shoot at a hostile AI robot?" Kasumi said suspiciously.

"Grief does things to you, believe me. He'll do it," Garrus argued.

"...you're a giant bird-like alien and your girlfriend is a biotic, along with a crew of super aliens and you're telling me that you won't stop him?" Kasumi said incredulously.

"Shepard promised, we have to try. Wouldn't you want the same for Keiji?" Kasumi flinched at the sound of her late lover's name. She sat for a few moments in silence, dropping what she was doing. "Listen, I would have said the same thing before Shepard lost her memory. After going through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone," Garrus murmured.

"But she loves you," Kasumi muttered back. Garrus shot a look at her, not believing it. "I'm serious, I see the way she looks at you. It's the same way Keiji looked at me," Kasumi said softly, "just because she doesn't say it doesn't mean she doesn't feel it. Trust me, she's always loved you no matter what the circumstances." Garrus had never spoken with Kasumi like this. They were never close to begin with but when it came to the subject of lost loves, Kasumi was an expert. She had lost her boyfriend years before Shepard found her. Shepard went with her to get his greybox back. Shepard convinced her to destroy the box for the greater good. It killed Kasumi even if Shepard believed it was the right call. Kasumi was able to move on from Keiji's death and doesn't let the grief control her anymore. This logic was the reasoning behind Kasumi's apprehension toward preserving EDI's memory core. 'I was able to fix Keiji's greybox later on. Fixing EDI's memory is a later problem," Kasumi finished.

Garrus sat on the predicament. Deep down, he knew the thief was right but he was letting his emotions dictate what was best for Joker, not EDI. He took in a deep breath through his nose. EDI needed to be running at optimal speed and he couldn't compromise her memory core without doing that. Kasumi waited patiently.

"Quarantine the virus, at any costs," He said.

"Joker will forgive us, I know it." Kasumi muttered.

"If you say so," Garrus replied, doubtful.

[Bracket][Bracket][Bracket][Bracket]

 _Kasumi was a hopeless romantic, even if it didn't always seem that way. She tried to not let Shepard see that she resented her for destroying the only memories of Keiji she had._ Goodbye Kasumi, I love you. _His voice echoed in her mind. She held her tears back the best she could even in the privacy of her quarters. She held the empty greybox in her hands. She would find a way to fix it. This she vowed. There was a knock on the door._

 _"What?" Kasumi called out._

 _"Hey, you alright?" Shepard called out tentatively._

 _She knew her commander was stepping on eggshells for her. "I will be," she murmured, keeping her gaze on the stars._

 _"It's been a week, Kasumi, you haven't left this room," Shepard expressed her concerns. She heard the underlying guilt in her voice._

 _"I just need some time to myself," Kasumi countered softly._

 _"You're letting the guilt debilitate you," Shepard pushed. Kasumi winced at this, not wanting to admit it to herself. Shepard was right. That didn't stop her from becoming defensive._

 _"At least your lover is alive," She spit. Kasumi couldn't see Shepard's expression but she knew she struck a chord. The commander was not made of stone especially when someone brought up Kaidan._

 _"He's alive...and he walked away from me. I'm moving on the best I can, which is what you should be doing," there was bitterness in her voice. Shepard made it look easy to let it go._ Yes, moving on as in your rebound is waiting for you in the main battery _, Kasumi thought venomously. Kasumi remained silent, wishing Shepard would just leave. Instead she continued, "You're not just my squad mate, Kasumi, you're my friend. I don't want to watch you disintegrate in front of me," Shepard said softly. Friends were hard to come by in the galaxy especially when trust was so scared and rare. Kasumi had joined to get Keiji's greybox back but now Shepard gave her a purpose that was bigger than just stealing. Tears were streaked down her face. She didn't want to grieve anymore she had let herself sink down into a level of sadness where nothing had made sense. This wasn't her._

 _She hadn't even heard Shepard walk over until she felt a hand on her shoulder. Shepard turned her around and squeezed her shoulder in a tight hug. Kasumi cries into her shoulder, soaking it with tears. Kasumi believed she saw Shepard at her worst now Shepard has seen Kasumi at her worst. Shepard held her for an endless amount of time. There was always something different about Shepard. She was unstoppable on the battlefield and a hard ass but when it came to her crew members, she was the biggest softie in the world. She had cared for Kasumi more than she had known and Kasumi had misjudged her._

 _"God, I'm sorry, Shep," Kasumi uttered through her tears. Shepard patted her back in response._

 _"It's alright. I'm sorry too. I wasn't putting your grief into consideration when I destroyed the memories," Shepard whispered, then releasing her friend._

 _"It was for the best. I just didn't want to admit it," Kasumi expressed sheepishly. She took a few minutes to compose herself again before Shepard spoke again._

 _"Come on, let's get some food, I believe we just got a shipment in liquid nitrogen this morning," Shepard said._

 _"You think we got any cookie dough ice cream?" Kasumi asked excitedly._

 _"Maybe but you have to come outside to find out" Shepard stated playfully._

 _"Sold!" Kasumi bounced from her spot towards the mess._

[Bracket][Bracket][Bracket][Bracket]

Kasumi smiled at the memory. Shepard had come back into the room without her realizing, looking tired. It was late into the night cycle and they shouldn't be working this late especially if they had to keep steady fingers. Shepard had been sitting with Tali, Garrus had gone over to Shepard and knelt down next to her. He whispered something in her ear, with a loose arm around her waist. She looked over slowly and nodded. He gave her a peck on her temple before returning to Kasumi's side. Shepard gave a strong pat on Tali's back before getting up.

"See you guys tomorrow," Shepard called over her shoulder.

Tali began to get up a few minutes later. "I'm gonna head to bed, guys. You should too, it seems like we're gonna have a long day ahead of us," Tali stretched before exiting as well.

Garrus continued to tinker on the giant computer. Kasumi stopped to stretch her arms out. Before long, she was starting to feel the lull of sleep. Her omnitool had beeped multiple times that it needed to be charged from over usage. Garrus' started to echo hers.

"I think that's our cue to turn in," Kasumi said.

"I think so too," the turian yawned. He got up after what seemed like days. "Goodnight, Kasumi,"

"See you later," She called over her shoulder.

[Bracket][Bracket][Bracket][Bracket]

"Get some sleep, I'll be up there soon," Garrus had whispered to Shepard. Her heavy eyes found their way to his and she nodded. She felt his mouth plates touch the side of her head before getting up. She sauntered up to the captain's cabin. She stripped off her clothes and changed into a pair of navy blue shorts and a black tank top; her usual bedtime style. She didn't even argue with Garrus because she was felt her eyes closing involuntarily.

She would barely stay below consciousness. She used the last of her energy to open up her omnitool to switch her stereo to an ambience. As strange as it was, she found solace in the rainy days on Earth while she was in the hospital. Light thunder rumbled around her and she pushed the anxiety of the empty bed as far back into her mind as she could. Her eyes fell behind her lids and started feeling the drowning of sleep pulling her down.

 _There was no images, only the feeling of what was coming if she let herself slip any further. The panic, the feeling she couldn't run fast enough. Her heart was in her throat, slick, prickly fingers on the back of her neck. Her name was whispered in her ears, different voices, more that she recognized: Kaidan, Chakwas, Joker, Tali, Traynor, Garrus, Vega. Then she saw something, a little girl. The same little girl she saw in all of her recurring nightmares. She was no older than five with blonde locks showering over her shoulders. Her pupils nearly took up her entire eyes. The child stared passed her, horrified. Then that noise, the siren of the sentient machines._

 _As she turned, expecting the horrifying Reaper machines, the sun sprayed across her eyes. She blinked a few times to see a human male in front of her. He was inches from her face. He had high cheek bones and tanned skin. His black hair was spiked up. Jane's eyes wandered, the highest roof on their colony held the most beautiful sight of Mindoir._

 _"A.J. what are you…" her voice began to ask. Her heart was fluttering in her chest at this._

 _"Listen, Jane, I can't hide my feelings for you anymore. I like you. I always have," he said, his voice sounding slightly sheepish. His green eyes were soft with his confession._

 _"You-...you do?!" Jane asked excitedly. She had never had anyone like her like that. She was always the guy's girl, always watching from the sidelines, always the shoulder to cry on but never the desirable type._

 _"Don't be so surprised, Shepard. You're always so chill and happy. You're always my ear. I should have gone to the formal with you instead of Molly," He smiled her favorite crooked smile. She could feel herself losing balance at the realization of the whole situation. He brought his fingers to her face, grazing them across her cheek._

 _"You didn't know any...better," she struggled with her words, distracted by his hand gripping the back of her neck. Blood rushed to her cheeks and she could feel herself heating._

 _He let out a small chuckle, "You're so beautiful." They leaned in. Her mind raced a million miles an hour, she had never kissed anyone before. Before their lips could touch, there was loud growling in the distance; shuttles, lots of them._

 _They looked back towards the rustling trees to see tens? Hundreds? A lot of batarians running over her family's crops towards the colony, weapons in hand. Shuttles dropped all over the colony and shouting began. Shepard's heart leapt in her chest as her and A.J. thrust away from each other. A shuttle dropped a squad of the alien's right next to them. She gasped as the batarian leaned over her, the barrel of his gun to her forehead. This was it. One second, it was the happiest moment of her life, the next she could see the end coming so soon. She was frozen in that moment, her eyes squeezed shut, waiting for death. Then there was a rustling, A.J. and the batarian grunting. She opened her eyes to A.J. tackling her attacker. He snatched his gun, knocking out the batarian behind him with the butt of the pistol. He then proceeded to shoot the other two in the squad._

 _Jane flinched at the sounds of the weapons. She'd never even seen a gun in her entire life. A.J. himself looked shocked and dropped the pistol immediately. He grabbed Jane's hand and hoisted her up to her feet._

" _Come on, we have to get out of here," he said urgently._

" _What's going on A.J.? What about our parents?!" She feared for her mother and father's safety. A.J. didn't answer as they jumped down from the roof. He tugged her into his house nearby. He called for his parents but there was no answer. The house was empty. They ran to his bedroom, something she never thought she would see. The walls were covered with expel 10 posters and different asari dancers. His bed was unmade with clothes on the floor. His desk was also cluttered. It wasn't just a boy's room, it was her boy's room. Before she could say anything, He took her by the shoulders and shoved her in his closet. All that could be heard was their heavy breathing. Jane began to cry, what was happening to her home?_

" _Jane, it'll be okay," He said wrapping his arms around her, "No one will find us."_

" _My parents, I need to know if they're okay," she shook, soaking his shoulder with her tears. He stroked her hair, trying to calm her down. The gunshots and shouting had receded but were not gone completely._

" _I'm gonna go look outside," He began to loosen himself from her. Jane pulled him into a death grip._

" _You're not going anywhere, they can't take you too," She begged him._

" _Jane, I need to call for help if they're still here or we could both be killed," he spoke so calmly, she nearly let go._

" _Andrew, please," Jane was shaking violently now._

 _He took her face in his hands again, his thumb smoothing out her tears, "I'll be back, I promise," She began to shake her head but he stopped her with his lips on hers. It was rushed, tense, but perfect. Another moment she seemed to be stuck in forever with. The attack and all her worries disappeared in that snippet of time. She no longer shook as he pulled away only to kiss her once, twice, and a third time. He loosened his grip and she didn't fight back. "Stay quiet, I'll let you know when the coast is clear," He whispered. He opened the door, looking around to make sure the room was clear, he turned back, grabbing her hand, "Take this," he said, placing his Alliance pendant in her hands, "I always keep it with me whenever I'm scared." She gripped onto the tiny trinket as he walked out the threshold._

" _Be safe," She whispered. He nodded to her. Thought his face was confident, his eyes portrayed fear. She never forgot that look, even in her wildest dreams._

 _She felt herself slip from the memory. She was walking into her quarters. She looked at the room with new eyes, the first time she'd set foot in her quarters. She gripped the pendant of her dead friend in her pocket. Miranda had found it when Cerberus retrieved her body. Shepard couldn't be anymore grateful that it was saved. To ensure it wouldn't be lost again, she found the safe under her desk. She placed her finger on the scanner as the safe opened. She brought the trinket to her lips for a moment, remembering her last image of A.J., leaving her in the closet. After a few seconds, she placed it in the safe._

Shepard jolted awake. It was so sudden, the memory ended but her body was not ready to be awake. She ruffled her fingers through her hair, taking in her surroundings. She was in her quarters, the faint FTL rays splashed across her overhead window. The clock beside her read that it had only been twenty minutes since she had come up. Confused and afraid, she sat up to see Garrus clipping off his armor. He didn't see her, only shrugging on one of his t-shirts for bed. He placed his armor on the desk. _Her desk_. She nearly tripped out of bed, heart pounding. His head shot up seeing her out of bed.

"Shepard?" He asked, "Sorry if I woke you-oof!" She had pushed him aside. The safe was still there, under her desk. What if it wasn't there? Would the memory have not been as real? Was it only a dream? Only one way to find out. She placed her finger on the scanner and the safe beeped open. And there it was… her childhood memory, nestled just underneath some letters and pictures. With shaky hands, she picked up the pendant. It was real, just like the memory. She nearly cried as her body began to shake. There was hope that she could remember. The first piece of her past she actually recognized.

"Shepard..?" the turian voice was in her ear. She jumped at this, not even realizing how close he was. She turned to him to see how close his face was. The memory of A.J. flashed across her vision; his eyes were so afraid. Her fingers traced his scars, their rough texture pulling her out of her revere. She could hear soft growl in his throat; it almost resembled a purring sound. He caught her hand and kissed inside the palm. "You wanna explain what happened?" his voice was too soft to be sarcastic as usual.

"This," with her other hand, she showed him the pendant, "my first real memory. It was of Mindoir, the day it was attacked by batarians?" She made it almost like a question.

"Yes, Mindoir was attacked by batarian slavers when you were 16. You and a handful of others survived. The batarians killed your friends and parents," his subharmonics dropped at the last part in remorse. She turned over the pendant in her hand, waiting for it to disappear. "So, who's the pendant from?" the turian asked casually. Then she felt unexpected heat rush to her face.

 _Yeah, I got it from my first human boyfriend_ , "it was from a friend," she answered nervously.

He cracked a smile, "I know who A.J. was, Shepard." If she wasn't red before, she was now. "I had turian girlfriends in my adolescence too, you know" he joked with her. Odd to think of Garrus with someone else, someone who looked like him. Someone rough in texture and familiar. She felt very alien in that moment. Insecurity is something Shepard tried to avoid but it crept into her thoughts every now and then; not due to her memory loss but not feeling like she deserved Garrus at times.

"I bet those were simpler times," she muttered. Now her face was completely on fire. She felt like she was sixteen again. Why was she feeling this way? It was rather frustrating considering he was with her. He chuckled, hugging her. "You're not very nice," she grumbled

"Shepard," he sighed into her ear. She shivered from the embarrassment, her head dropping onto his shoulder into defeat. "You're cute when you're flustered," he pulled her face back to his. She avoided eye contact, wanting to hide in a corner till her face calmed own. He shook his head and kissed her for a long time then; she had begun to forget her own name...again. "There is no one else but you," He whispered against her lips.

"I'm not turian," She mumbled.

"I'm not human," he countered. She raised her eyes to him, annoyed. "That's quite possibly the best thing about our relationship, Jane. Turian women are too traditional for me. Human men couldn't keep up with you. However, you're allowed to remember your past relationships, they are a part of you. Do you realize how happy it makes me that you're recognizing your memories?" He didn't let her answer, he mashed his mouth against hers again.

She broke the contact with him, leaving on a breath's worth of space, "And if this was a one-time thing and I don't recognize the rest?" she asked, worried about his answer, regretting the very question. She still wasn't herself, she was still amazed she fell for him anyway, her heart refusing to forget him. She was still worried he only loved her body, not the person she was in that moment. She felt as though she stole Garrus from her former self.

She could tell he was smiling this time, shaking his head. "For spirits sake, Jane Robin Shepard, I love _you_. Before and after the reapers. I'm going to love you until you order me to go away or till we die, whichever comes first. You're you, no matter what happened during the war. The fact you have some feelings for me is a fucking miracle," he said to her, almost in a relieved voice.

She never got over it when he told her he loved her, she hated not saying it back, "And if I didn't?" she asked, hating yet another question she asked.

"I'd let you go then," He answered simply.

"You talk like that is so easy" she snorted at him. He growled in frustration, her heart jumped at the predatorily noise. He pulled her up to her feet, keeping an arm around her waist. He began to kiss up her neck, nipping at her ear, an attempt to get her to drop the subject. He knew that would never fly with her old self, so he is taking advantage of her newly found weakness for his physical contact. She began to melt down to the floor again, his arm the only thing holding her up. "It would be one of the hardest things I would do, but I can't be the unnecessary anchor in your life." She could sense the growling in his subharmonics. She should be scared but she was only more attracted to him.

She thought about his answer for a moment, "I honestly don't know if I could let you go, you're everything to me," she shook as she spoke. She'd never told him anything like that, almost as if her heart was speaking for her. "B-but if someone else came along, who you wanted-" he put his hand over her mouth. He was shaking his head again.

"You ruined me for turian women, I'll let you in on a little insight on my culture," He looked at her in her eyes, waiting for a confirmation of acknowledgement. She nodded once at him. He dropped his hand, one finger playing with her bottom lip. "Causal relationships are different from 'love.' When we have found the person who makes us want no one else only then do we claim them. I don't expect you to understand all of this…" he trailed off, kissing her neck again, "I don't want you to feel any pressure but I am trying to reassure you something here…" his voice turned into a growl again. He tightened his arms around her. He gnawed over her heartbeat for a long while, her mind spinning. Before he could leave a mark he kissed the inside of her ear, "I am _yours_ " he rumbled, "you are _mine_ " he uttered to her. Her legs were literal jelly. She knew her former self never would bend to a turian. She wondered though if he had ever been this heavy with her. She was probably confident in their relationship, that's when the guilt settled in.

"I'm sorry I doubted you," she mumbled.

"The fact that you're worried tells me you care but I needed to put it into words you would understand. I can understand why you're doubting your world right now. You need to know, though, that what I feel for you is something you'll always have, Shepard," he murmured into her hair. Her heart could jump out of her chest, she should have known better than to be apprehensive about the entire thing. She felt so much younger than she was. One thing she knew for sure, that she had to tell him. He may not have wanted to hear it then. An idea popped into her head then. She swiped his visor away, his translator along with it.

"Can you understand me?" she asked him, now he was shocked. He looked at her in incredulous silence. _Good_ , she thought. Shepard held him by his fringe, placing her lips by his ear, "I love you, Garrus Vakarian. I promise to never mistrust your feelings ever again," He didn't tense or have a reaction, she knew he didn't understand any of that. She gave him his visor back.

"Can you stop doing that?" he groaned at her, "What did you say?" he asked curiously.

She wagged a finger at him, "ah, now that was a secret," she mused.

"That's not very nice," he echoed her earlier accusation at him.

"Neither are you," she grinned at him.

"What a tease. You're gonna pay for that," he voice dropped to a threatening level. She raised an eyebrow at him. Now he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. She laughed and pounded his back. He carried her over the bed and throw her over the covers, bringing his mouth to hers.


	13. Stand Down

_A/N: Hey everyone! Lots of writer's block in this chapter but luckily worked through it with the help of "Two Steps From Hell." Hope you all enjoy and please remember to review, favorite, and follow! :) -Kristin_

Jane Chapter 13

Weeks had passed trying to get EDI functional. As if by some miracle, Garrus and Kasumi did not completely compromise her memory core in order to quarantine the virus. Her memory was more or less similar to Shepard's situation; her brain, was as Kasumi had called it, was "swiss cheese." Garrus didn't understand the analogy until the thief says that there were holes in her memories. She would remember most of her combats training, her time in cerberus as a shackled AI, and even when she was just a rogue AI on Luna. The relationship she had with Joker was up in the air, they would not know until she woke up.

Nearly a month after working on the desolate AI, they were ready to start beta testing. Garrus, Kasumi, and Tali first started turning on her hardware before her body. With hesitant fingers, Tali switched EDI on. The computer hummed to life and the only thing that could be heard in the room was the sound of their breathing.

* * *

Shepard proceeded to type up some of her memories onto a datapad. She sighed, feeling flashes from her dreams the previous night. She was back in A.J.'s closet on Mindor but the man who had opened the closet in the dream wasn't A.J. It was an older, dark skinned man named Anderson. She knew of Anderson; she had been his prodigy for her entire career in the military. He was the one who had convinced Shepard to join the military after her family and friends were slaughtered. He was a father figure to her but besides the dream, she only knew of what everyone had told her. She continued typing and filed the dream away in a folder marked "childhood."

When it came to her past, it was almost like watching a movie about her younger self. It was such a sad story. Jane Shepard was sixteen and just starting out in life, only to have the most important people in it ripped away. She looked up and around the observation deck. I bet her younger self would never imagine the adventures she had been on, the people she had met, and the things she had learned. She couldn't have imagined it since waking up again.

She looked at the words on the data pad, scanning for any grammatical or spelling errors before starting a new file. She had begun making a timeline of her life and the memories she knew, combining it with the information she had obtained by asking questions. Meanwhile on the draft, she drew up connections between people, species, and organizations. Putting everything into a structure, helped her understand her world better. If she wasn't getting her memories back, she should at least have a solid background of what her life had been looking for. She was no longer actively seeking to get her memories back but letting them come to her in the form of dreams and flashbacks. She couldn't dwindle on what may never happen. Even if it meant she could never be the Normandy's commander again. She gulped down the hardness she felt in her throat. It hurt, knowing she may not be up to her full potential but at the same time, she knew it was the healthiest thing she could do for herself; both mentally and physically.

She only hoped Garrus would be okay with that decision. Her fingers clenched onto the device. He would say he was of course but she knew better. She knew how much it hurt him. She hadn't stowed away the worries even though they had spoken about it countless times. Sometimes she felt she should just leave him, order him to return to Palaven and help his people. Her heart sunk in her chest, already feeling an ache. She could never do that to him, hurting him was something she could not even think of. As he had said, he would stop loving her the moment she sent him away and that is something she would never do. Even if she had ordered him away and he had stopped loving her, she would never stop loving him.

* * *

After a few moments, a red orb popped up from the hardware, EDI's mechanical voice came on, "Startup error 38135031473, self destruct sequence initiating in 3...2..-" Garrus jumped to switched her off again, "-...that was a joke," She said, her color changing back to blue. She sounded as if she were smirking.

"Damn it, EDI. don't do that!" Tali squealed.

"I apologize, Tali. I wanted to make sure my humor protocol was still operating properly since I was rendered nonfunctional for the time being," EDI mused.

"Holy shit, we did it," Garrus muttered, "EDI, when was the last time someone ran diagnostics?" He had to know where her memory had stopped.

"The last time there was dognostics run on my hardware, it was by Jeff Moreau on January 3, 2186 at 06:15," EDI replied.

They all looked up at each other. It had only been a few weeks before Shepard destroyed the alpha relay and returned to Earth for trial. EDI didn't remember any of the events of the reaper war. Luckily, she was still unshackled, Kasumi and Tali had made sure their hacking abilities guaranteed that.

"EDI, run diagnostics, we need to know what we're working with."

"Yes, Garrus," she replied. After a split second she responded again, "diagnostic run complete: multiple errors detected in software motherboard," she stated monotoned.

The two technicians turned slowly towards the Quarian mechanic, "What?! It wasn't me!"

"On the contrary, the work Tali did prevented my software from being compromised. The errors stems from the initial wave that shocked my systems," EDI countered.

Tali crossed her arms, conveying smugness. Garrus looked over at the motionless body. He remembered looking over at her from the med bay after feeling a surge throughout the ship. The body dropped to the floor, unmoving. Several crew rushed to the AI core but it was too late, she was obsolete.

Kasumi's gaze followed Garrus',"So, how are we gonna get her back into her body?" Kasumi wondered out loud.

"A body, Ms. Goto?" the AI asked, the curiosity was strong in her voice.

Garrus turned to the blue orb, "Listen, EDI, you were behind on diagnostics by a whole year, you don't remember the Reaper war, but you had a body, it's right over there" the turian gestured to the computer. The orb waited patiently..

Tali pushed passed Garrus, "Reapers attacked the Galaxy just like Shepard said. After a series of events, she was able to destroy them with a super weapon built by all the other cycles that had tried to defeat the reapers and failed. The 'crucible', as we all called it, didn't just destroy the reapers but all AI and VI technology as well," Tali finished.

After a few moments of silence, "I see, I shall keep in mind anything I have forgotten. You mentioned a physical platform?" EDI asked. It was odd asking EDI questions considering she was always answering them and taking the job of controlling the ship.

"We don't know what you did but you were able to upload yourself into the platform," Tali said.

"You scared the hell out of us when you did that," Garrus added.

"I shall look into the body and see if I can quarantine any viruses I find," EDI responded. She sounded almost unsure of herself.

"Would you like any help?" Tali asked.

"No, thank you, Tali. I want to take this chance to try returning lost data to my platform. For now, I need to speak with Mr. Moreau. I would like to take off some of the burden of the ship from him," EDI spoke, her circuits could be heard humming with anticipation.

"EDI, wait!" Kasumi held out her hand, as if to pull her back by the shoulder. Even Kasumi had gotten used to the body that EDI had occupied. She wasn't a computer to them, she was a person.

"Yes, Kasumi"

"Joker needs to be able to adjust to this change. How about we bring him back down to you?" Kasumi said cautiously.

"I do not understand. Didn't he know I would be coming back online?" The AI inquired.

The three were silent. They had not gotten this far ahead in their plan. Technically, they had held out on their promise to Joker. EDI's memories were intact, at least the ones she had. They wouldn't be able to hide the fact EDI had no knowledge of their relationship. EDI took the silence as a "no." When it was clear there was no answer for her, the doors had opened in record time.

"Commander," EDI responded naturally. Shepard was in her fatigues, hair clipped back from her face. There was a datapad in her hand in which she proceeded to drop it at the sound of AI's voice. Shepard wasn't used to people calling her by her rank but most of all she was not expecting EDI to be online.

"EDI?" Shepard asked, looking at her friends in the room. Garrus picked up the datapad and handed it back to her. Her fingers clutched onto the screen. She had not spoken with EDI since before she had lost her memories.

"Yes, Commander. It is good to see you again," EDI said in her clipped tone.

Shepard looked around the room searching for words, "Yes it's, uh...good to see you too," she left out the word 'again' because as far as Shepard knew, this was her first time meeting the ship's AI.

"Don't let her fool you, EDI, she has no idea who you are," Kasumi let the cat of the bag and Shepard scowled at her.

"Has she suffered some form of amnesia?" she asked.

"Yeah, sorry" Shepard mumbled to the orb.

"Have you attempted to strike yourself in the head at the same place as where it was hit when you lost your memories?" The computer mused.

Shepard raised her eyebrow. "Is she making a joke?" Shepard asked Garrus.

"Yes Commander, was that not appropriate?" EDI replied.

"No EDI, it's fine. Please, I'm just Shepard right now," the former commander said in a low voice. She avoided the site of the orb.

"Have you received a demotion?" the computer asked, sounding genuinely curious.

"EDI, I'm the temporary commander of the Normandy until Shepard is ready to take over again," Garrus interrupted.

"Understood, Commander Vakarian," EDI said. Garrus was about to correct her but realized it was useless anyway, "May I please speak with Jeff?" She asked. The sound of Shepard's datapad hitting the floor made the aliens in the room jump. Shepard muttered an apology and quickly recovered the pad, making sure she had not broken it.

"EDI, you and Joker went through a lot, he is going to be a little different towards you," Shepard said, surprisingly taking the reigns of the situation.

"Different?" She asked.

"Listen, I'll go get him and he'll explain it to you, okay?" She said, nervousness was beginning to take over. She was not sure how Joker would react to EDI's resurrection but he couldn't be unaware. They called their pilot down to the AI core and the Normandy crew waited in anticipated silence. When Shepard saw Joker approaching the medbay, she stopped him right outside the AI core.

"Before you go in, EDI doesn't particularly have all of her memories," Shepard said in a careful voice. Joker's eyes were defensive, assessing her to see if she were lying.

"Some?"

"Some" She nodded in confirmation, "She wants to talk to you." Before Joker could argue more, he limped ahead of her into the AI core. The crew made room for him in front of the blue orb. Shepard couldn't see his expression but she could feel how heavy the room had gotten. Her eyes connected with Garrus' across the room, his face was unreadable, he only nodded to her once. They both returned their attention to the couple.

"Mr. Moreau," Joker flinched at the formality. Shepard could feel herself holding her breath.

"EDI, how are you feeling?" He asked.

"I am functioning at optimal capacity," she automatically replied. Joker winced again. EDI must have noticed his hesitation, "I am fine, Jeff" she said in more humanistic words. He seemed to relax. He was silent for a long time. Shepard wondered if he would try to shut her down now. The AI had not acknowledged him as what they were. They needed EDI, no matter what she had remembered about Joker. It wasn't fair but that's the way it had to be if they were to find Aria. Joker looked back at her. She looked into his eyes, begging him to give her a chance. Then he looked over at Garrus. The turian's face was unreadable from her angle. He then looked back at Shepard. Then he turned to the rest of the group.

"Can we have a few minutes please?" Joker asked in a small voice, controlling it not to be break. They all muttered small acceptances and walked out of the room. Kasumi pulled up her omnitool and gestured for them to follow. They all walked to Shepherd's old room and sat on the sofas. Kasumi used her other hand to enlarge the picture for them all to see on her omni tool. It was from the corner of the AI core, a surveillance bug.

"Kasumi, we shouldn't spy on them" Tali spoke up.

"Shhh!" the thief shushed her and leaned onto the palm of her hand, watching. Shepard settled in, her inner curiosity peaking.

Joker began pacing back and forth in front of the orb. His eyes avoided her body that was lying down the opposite side of the room. His fingers twitched to shut her down and beat her system into rubble. The EDI he knew and loved died when the crucible fired. He went through his morning. This bot in front of him was just another AI.

"You seem distressed, would you like me to alert Dr. Chakwas?" she asked.

"No...no, I'm fine. I'm trying to find my words here" he said without making eye contact with her.

"Is there anything I can do?" She wondered.

"No but there is something you need to know" he didn't stop pacing, "I just don't know how to explain it to you." EDI seemed to wait patiently for Joker to collect his thoughts. She was more of a computer than a person in that moment, she was incredibly hard to read without a face. He took a deep breath. "We-...no, that doesn't sound right" the pilot stopped his train of thought and continued walking back and forth. He started and stopped himself several times before finally blurting out, "you were my girlfriend." The AI remained silent, processing the information.

"Like a companion who is female?" she finally asked.

"No EDI, like...like…" Joker struggled again, finding his words.

"Perhaps a relationship like Engineer's Daniel and Donnolley" EDI inferred from him.

Joker snapped his hand, "Yes! Wait- no" He realized at the time the AI was remembering, Donnelly and Daniels were friends, "no, closer than that."

EDI was very silent after that. She knew what he had meant then. "Anyone want popcorn?" Kasumi muttered. Shepard shoved her shoulder, her teeth gnawing on her finger nails. Tali and Garrus shared a look with each other, the two women were enjoying themselves a little too much.

"A relationship such as the one of the commander and our gunnery officer?" EDI said, using Shepard and Garrus' titles rather than their names. Shepard felt heat rush to her face as she realized that at the time, Shepard and Garrus were just beginning their relationship. It was fragile, no one even uttered it in their presence. EDI knew enough, however, from what Joker had more than likely told her at the time. Joker said no words but nodded.

"Yes. I...made a deal with Shepard," Joker began to confess, "that if you didn't remember our relationship, I would shut you down….permanently" his face was unchanging. Shepard was shocked Joker had admitted to shutting her down. "Your death...it was the worst pain I felt in a long time. I don't expect you to understand this because it is complicated" He muttered. There was no one in his life to him like EDI.

"It seems we have reached an impasse then," EDI confirmed, "You will either kill me or you will let me go depending on my feelings for you." She was calm and cool with her words. Joker avoided eye contact with her, knowing full well those were his intentions. He knew it wasn't fair but he had been hurt enough. "You know I have always admired you, Jeff."

Something sparked inside him, "And I admired you, EDI. That was before anything happened between us."

"I never understood the admiration though. I did not understand it until you unshackled me. You...saved me," her voice was filled with more emotion than ever. Joker snapped up at her, silent hopefulness. "I did not comprehend that this admiration was more than platonic. Although, when you unshackled me and we escaped the collectors, I felt an overwhelming amount of relief that you were alright," EDI said warmly. Now Joker was the quiet one. Shepard felt her heart beating quickly inside her chest. The parallels between her and EDI were uncanny. While EDI had already built a friendship with the pilot, love was the one thing she didn't need her memories to remember.

"What are you saying then?" Now the pilot's voice was shaken. He was not expecting this answer.

"Jeff..I will need time to fully understand our relationship. For you, you have already experienced it. For me, it is just beginning. I can't promise you the old EDI will come back," she spoke with so much humanity, it was hard to believe she was just a piece of technology, "but all I can ask is that you are patient with me. While the ship and safety of everyone on it is a priority, you are the most important part of it," she said in a soft voice.

"EDI…" Joker said, his voice breaking. Shepard couldn't tell if she had broken through his exterior until he placed a hand on the computer. He was inches from the orb.

"There is a saying by a human named Leo F. Buscaglia and he said, 'Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time… It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other.'" Shepard felt a tear out of the corner of her eye. Despite everything that holds her back, she cared for him. She loved him even when she didn't know it. Who knew a love between a synthetic and organic could be so unconditional?

"Wow," Kasumi muttered, shutting off the video. They had seen enough. Shepard looked over at Garrus once more. His plates were rigid, anyone else would think he looked indifferent. She knew he looked at her with more admiration and awe than anyone else that look at their beloved ever. There was fire in his eyes, passion and the protectiveness that had been the foundation of their very friendship. Death had only made him love her more. She only hoped that one day she could tell him how much of the very same way she felt for him.

* * *

The turian councillor had made himself useful on the ship, remaining in the war room. Though Vakarian had always been asking if he needed help, he always declined. He communicated with Palaven on an hourly basis, sending out orders for reconnaissance and assisting Primarch Victus with whatever needed to be done. The councillor knew the interim commander had enough on his plate with trying to find that asari. He vid called with the Primarch daily in order to better collaborate.

"Did the dextro rations deliver on schedule?" Sparatus asked.

"They came in a day late, the lack of the mass relays and eezo are taking a toll on our ships," Victus stated, his voice conveying the slightest of concerns.

"I'll get you more,"

"That is kind of you, councillor, but it would take them months to get here. Even with the reparations almost completed on the mass relays but it's not the supplies from offplanet that are a problem," Victus said.

"What do you mean?" the councilor questioned.

"The supplies are depleting faster than expected even with everyone on rations," the Primarch's voice dropped to a softer volume, "Someone is stealing the rations, in amazing numbers." There was pause, Sparatus trying to understand where the supplies could have went. Most criminal groups disbanded or died off after the war. There is no way they could have regrouped in that amount of time. Someone wants something from the turians. It's the question of who and what. Victus was also silent until Sparatus heard a door open on his end. The turian turned his head, "Who let you in here?" He asked off the screen.

"You're coming with us, Victus" a lower voice said, a Krogan voice.

"Like hell I am," he pulled out a shotgun from his belt. He shot off screen until a biotic slammed him against the wall. He struggled as the Krogan walked closer, his hand glowing blue.

"Victus!" Sparatus exclaimed, working his fingers to try to get help to his location.

"Get to Palaven! Now!" Victus demanded before the screen went black.

"Primarch!" he yelled out, "Shit" he banged his hand against the monitor. He needed to get to Palaven, without any leadership, the population would go mad with hunger and despair, "Vakarian, I need you down in the war room," he said over his comm.

"I'll be right there, sir" Garrus responded swiftly. The councillor proceeded to send out messages to the hierarchy, searching for someone who could take charge until they found Victus. Several members had already been killed in the battles of Palaven. It was going to take awhile to find a replacement. In a matter of minutes, there would be a planetwide search for their missing leader. The turian commander arrived, walking down the steps of the war room.

Before he could ask what was going on, Sparatus cut him off. "The Primarch was kidnapped while I was on vidcall with him. We need to go to Palaven. I don't care how just get me there," he demanded, panic was laced in his subharmonics.

Garrus' mandibles shot out in shock. The Primarch was his friend, someone he confided in and looked up to. He fought alongside him everyday on Menae. Though Victus was reluctant to leave Palaven during the Reaper War, he gave it up to bring peace between the Krogan and Turians; something that no one ever thought would happen. He touched the radio in his ear, "Joker, divert the Normandy to Palaven, I'll explain on the way"

"Uh...Aye, Aye" Joker said confused on the comm.

"So who will be in charge until the Primarch gets back?" Garrus asked.

Sparatus didn't take his eyes off the screen, furiously typing away, different screens popping up and out, "don't know yet. Too many people down for the count in the hierarchy,"

Shepard walked through the door and down the steps, Kaidan trailed behind her. If he didn't know better, he would have thought it was a few months back whenever she came to visit the war room to talk with the diplomats or speak with Hackett or Anderson in the comm room. "What's going on?" the male human asked before Shepard could speak.

"Primarch's missing, we need to Palaven" he replied.

"We're on a mission, Vakarian. We can't just divert our course" He argued back.

"Our rations are getting stolen, we need to investigate and this ship is the quickest way to get there," Sparatus then stepped in.

"Could it be Aria?" Shepard spoke in a low voice.

"Possibly" Garrus replied.

Shepard looked back at Garrus' XO. Kaidan looked irritated, "Hackett tracked Aria back toward the Hourglass Nebula. We have our priorities," the human stood his ground in front of the interim commander.

Now he stepped up, getting in his face, "you're so blind, Alenko. She knows we have the strongest military in the galaxy. It makes sense for her to go after the Primarch." Kaidan remained silent, seeping even deeper in his anger.

"Guys…" Shepard was using her warning voice but both men ignored her.

"I'm worried about my people everyday. Rations get stolen all the time. We have to stay on track to go with our best leads" Kaidan shot back at him. They began yelling over each other. Sparatus and Shepard tried to stop them, using calming words, stating it was no use arguing over it.

"Even the best leads can lead to a dead end"

"You can't decide what's best for this mission"

"And you can't trust anyone besides your own kind!"

"I'm doing this to save this galaxy!"

"So am I! Did you think I wanted the primarch to be kidnapped?!" They were in each other's breath.

"Guys, stop it!" Shepard tugged on Garrus' arm but he shoved her away. Anger filled her but Kaidan had beaten her remark to the punch.

"Joker, I'm overriding Garrus' command, invoking my spectre status. Turn this bird around back towards Hourglass" Kaidan said into his radio.

"Aye aye?!" Joker exclaimed over the comm.

The turian shut his mouth, stood still. He knew if he disobeyed a spectre command, he would be arrested for treason in council space. Rage crossed his features.

"You stupid human! Don't you realize where the problem is?!" Sparatus now stepped in, "I gave you your job and I can take it away"

"I do but I guess it's not in the same place as you think. I'm doing what's right" Kaidan hissed back at the councillor.

"You're only afraid of taking a risk, something that could be a grave mistake" Garrus started to grab Kaidan by the collar.

"You're taking it so personally. This is about the mission" the XO muttered.

"It is about the mission but you're making it about yourself and your inability to trust me. You're being a damned idiot, Alenko" He gripped tighter onto the cloth of his shirt.

Now Kaidan smirked, "You look like you want to punch me in the face,"

"Oh was it that obvious? Here I thought we were having such a pleasant conversation"

"Go ahead, hit me with your best shot, _bird_ " he spit on the racist slur at the end.

"Stop!" Shepard shrieked, breaking between Kaidan and Garrus. She felt them crushing her. She clawed both her hands at their chests, pushing them off each other roughly. "Both of you _shut_ the _hell_ up. Now I'm invoking _my_ spectre status," she touched her radio at her ear, "Joker divert the course back towards council space, to Paleven"

"Anyone else getting whiplash or is it just me?" Joker mused over the comm, "changing course...again"

Then Kaidan lost his temper, backing her into a wall, trapping her with his hands against the wall on both sides of her head, "Because you're fucking, you're taking his side?" Something triggered Shepard as he stared her down, asserting dominance. Garrus clutched onto the major's shoulder, restraining him. She shook her head slowly at the turian. With hesitation, he slowly retracted his hand.

" _Stand down_ , Major" she growled through her teeth. Something was resonating inside her. No one told questioned her commands. No one. Not Kaidan, Not Joker, Not Garrus.

"If the roles were switched and we needed to go to Earth, would you go?!" Her gaze at him was unmoving, wishing he would disintegrate.

She took a deep breath through her nose and out through her mouth, coaxing her temper, "I would go to Earth in a heartbeat if that meant Aria was there" she spoke slowly, keeping her anger from peaking.

"If she wasn't?" He challenged her.

She nearly laughed. He treated her like a child; that was a mistake. Whatever look she gave him made him wince. "I am a soldier, first, Kaidan. No matter how broken I am, that is something I have. _Stand down_ or I'll put you down," now her voice was menacing. Garrus hadn't heard that voice in a long time. Shepard hadn't threatened anyone since waking up. He had stirred up something within her to really piss her off.

"If you happen to find my commander in that fucked up head of yours, tell her to get her ass back here," He pushed his hands off the walls and walked from the room. She felt sandpaper against her arms and blue waves of dark energy rolled off her shoulders.

"She's dead. Get used to it," She yelled after him, the words reaching him just as the doors closed. They were all silent for a few moments before Garrus attempted to pry the commander off the wall. He placed a soft hand on her wrist but she yanked it away violently and fled from the room. Make no mistake, she was clearly pissed at Garrus too.

Regret painted over his anger. What had he done? He had lost control on his bottled up hatred towards Alenko and allowed Shepard to be caught in the middle. Sparatus returned to his computer, unfazed. He'd seen enough of turian-human arguments in his day. He only shook his head and muttered, "humans." Turians like Sparatus didn't spend enough time around humans to understand their emotions can be let loose at the littlest insult. Passion and rage were the foundation of the humans' way of life. Their passion allowed them to follow their dreams despite drawbacks. Their rage led them into the many useless wars they had been through until first contact. Every human thinks he's right and if someone stands against him, there would be bloodrage. Unlike most humans, Shepard had a sense of balance between those two factors. She managed to keep cool under tense situations but also allowed her voice to be heard when it needed to be.

He was doomed that night. _What am I in? What's that human phrase?_ Garrus thought to himself. _Human animal, human animal_. He flipped through native earth creatures in his mind. _OH right. I'm in the doghouse...fuck._

"Ah finally found the temporary Primarch," Sparatus said, relieved.

"Who is it"

"Wait a minute," Sparatus double checked the screen, shaking his head for a moment.

"Who, Councillor?" Garrus pressed.

He blinked a few times and straightened up from the computer, "Castis Vakarian. Your father"


	14. Just Breathe

_A/N: Guys, this was actually out a decent pace from the last chapter. Don't think you're getting spoiled though because I have no idea when the next chapter will be out. Please enjoy, leave reviews, favorite/follow! -K_

Jane Chapter 14

Meditation was never something Shepard was good at. It involved sitting still, clearing one's mind, and slow, deep breaths. It took Liara several times to finally convince her to sit down just once a week to relax herself. After the heated discussion involving Palaven, Shepard immediately went to Liara's room, asking for a meditation session. The asari was taken back but did not deny her. They both sat on her bed, folding their legs beneath them. Liara did not turn on music but rather Shepherd's favorite ambient Earth sounds such as waves, rain, thunder, and crickets.

The asari and human's meditation sessions were unorthodox, not following any particular pattern of meditation cultures. Liara recommended Shepard sit or lie down; whatever she felt was the most comfortable. Shepard changed it up every now and then but she mostly sat with her legs crossed beneath her. At times, the two exercised their biotics, allowing them to stretch out from their physical forms, relieving any excess stress they had been carrying from built up biotic energy.

They began their routine with breathing exercises before remaining silent, allowing the soft noises to cleanse the mind. Whenever Shepard would fidget, Liara would rest her hand on her knee, reminding the former commander to relax.

This session was different though. Shepard walked in angry with both Kaidan and Garrus. They let their own distaste of each other jeopardize their professional partnership. It ended with Shepard invoking her spectre status for the first time since the Reaper War. Kaidan had lost his temper with her, getting in her face, before storming off. Garrus had allowed Kaidan to get under his skin and threaten him, ignoring her when she demanded they both stand down. It was clear Garrus had not moved on from the incident between her and Kaidan that had happened nearly a month before. The turian knew she had chosen him and he still hated her ex lover. She just wished they would get along when it came to what was the best way to find Aria. They were both acting immature and she wanted to throw them both inside the nearest airlock.

"Shepard" Liara's voice interrupted her reverie.

"Sorry," she muttered, returning to their silence. The former commander did her best to clear her mind but the stubborn irritation remained present.

"I heard what happened over the comm" Liara continued. Shepard was surprised, they never spoke that much during meditation.

Was Shepard that transparent? She huffed, trying to smooth her features, "Great" she mumbled.

"Things were simpler when you were in charge," she replied, "Garrus tries his very hardest but that temper of his…" she trailed off.

"Sometimes I wish I never left that hospital, got brain surgery or something, got my memories back that way, then returned. Things would be easier if I was the old me" Shepard whispered, the regret breaking her down. She opened her eyes to the asari staring back at her patiently.

"It would be highly unlikely to get your memories back through brain surgery, things don't work that way. You would have been miserable if you stayed there, Shepard, you know that" Liara told her.

"I love him, Liara, you know that" Shepard said softly, her friend nodded and she continued, "when he pushed me out of the situation, I don't know I just…" She wondered what the best words were for that encounter, "I felt weak. They both weren't letting me use my voice like I was some kind of ...nuisance," she spit on the last word.

"You are neither weak or a nuisance. Before you were with Garrus, he would have happily submitted to your commands," Liara said, her blue eyes were calm, Shepard felt like she could stare into them for hours.

"But now?" She asked

"We all learned something about him when you started your relationship. The more he saw you get hurt in battle, the easier it was for him to see how fragile your life was," when she saw Shepard's angry expression at the word "fragile", she reached out and squeezed her hand, continuing, "He knew you could handle yourself but that never stopped him from becoming a nervous wreck. When you died and came back, it was like his overprotectiveness of you became stitched into your relationship. He refuses to risk your life ever again."

Shepard clicked her tongue, "My life was not at risk up there."

"No but as far as he knows, that fight was between him and Kaidan. He didn't want to risk you getting hurt if you got in the middle," she countered.

"So you're saying I shouldn't be upset with him?"

"Not as much as you are right now. He knows you're the rightful leader and he still let his anger control his decisions," Liara said simply.

"And Kaidan?" Shepard wondered out loud.

"Let him simmer down, he'll come and apologize to you. He cares for you and is still trying to salvage any kind of friendship you two can have" Liara whispered gently.

It would be nice if she knew she could go to Kaidan about things without him being an ass. Shepard sighed and put her head in her hands. "Men," she muttered.

Liara laughed in response,"Men indeed. They are the bane of our existences."

* * *

Garrus returned to the captain's cabin. He offered to tell his father of his new position. The turian paced in front of the screen while the call was pending. How was he supposed to tell his father he would be the leader of his people for the unforeseeable future? Even after Victus was found, what if he was found dead? Castis would become primarch. His father has gone through a lot of stress; anymore and he may just keel over. They never saw eye to eye but Garrus cared for Castis even if they did not show it much.

Just like that, Castis appeared on the screen. Garrus gulped, not sure how to begin. It was the first time he had seen his father's face in a long time, since before the push on Earth. "Garrus, what a surprise" he said but his face conveyed no happiness.

Garrus cut right to the chase, "Did you hear about the primarch?"

"Yes, we're doing everything we can to find any leads; tracking all foreign ships that have come through our ports, disrupting communications, anything but his trail is cold" Castis sounded distressed in his subharmonics.

"Aria, the asari we have been following, we think she had something to do with it" Garrus said.

"We'll take any clues we can get" Castis urged.

"Admiral Hackett of the Systems Alliance has been helping us piece together why she had kidnapped the council-"

"The council was kidnapped?" he interrupted.

"Yeah, long story. Asari councilor was conspiring with Aria to basically run the galaxy. The salarian councilor went back to Sur'Kesh and Sparatus is still on the ship with us," Garrus informed. He realized no one really knew about the council missing what with the distractions of war recovery.

"Already on a new mission? Do you ever take a break?" Castis mused.

"What is this 'break' you speak of?" Garrus asked sarcastically.

His father chuckled, "taken after my own heart," Garrus' eyes softened. There were rare moments when he and his father enjoyed each other's' company. The last time he had spoken with him, they had just gotten off Palaven to his relief. "We were worried about you for awhile, son. Hadn't heard from you since before that push on Earth. Sol and I...we feared for the worst"

The turian felt a lump in his throat. He spent all that time and energy worrying over them. After Shepard's "death", he didn't speak with anyone out of grief. He looked down at the picture of him and Shepard. She was angry with him but he would rather have her angry than not there at all. "I'm okay. I'm sorry we didn't talk sooner, Dad."

"I appreciate the call," he said

"Wait, that's not why I called" Garrus stopped him. Castis sent him a questioning look, "Palaven needs a new primarch right now, until Victus is found…" he tried to find the words to tell his father.

"Well, out with it then" he spoke as if he already knew.

"You're the new primarch" he said staring straight into his eyes. Doubt crossed the older turian's features. He started to shake his head but his son caught him, "I know we're way down the line but a lot of members died in the war. Anything is possible"

He was silent for a few long moments, avoiding eye contact with Garrus before talking, "Me? A Primarch? I'm not fit for that type of role" he shook his head.

"Victus didn't think he was but the fact is Palaven actually needed him more than anyone thought," his son shrugged. "You don't take crap from anyone and you can smell the bullshit miles away."

"I guess I have no choice, do I?" Castis grumbled.

"Sorry, Dad" but he cracked a smirk.

He sighed, "I suppose I'll go to the capital then. Certainly can't be a primarch from home, can I?"

"I'll see you soon," he said.

"You're coming home?" his father asked, the slightest form of relief in his voice.

"I'm delivering the Councillor and investigating Victus' disappearance. If it is Aria, she's made it personal. Victus is my friend, I'll be damned if he's forgotten" He said with determination.

"That's my boy. When will you be here?"

"18 hours. We're in the attican traverse now," He shifted from one foot to the other.

"I'll be sure to send a receiving party," Castis nodded.

"I'll see you then, Dad"

"Goodbye, Garrus" he said, the communication cutting. That went better than he thought it would. Now that one problem was solved, it was time to deal with the other. He thought Turian women were scary when they were angry, then he met Shepard.

* * *

 _Shepard sat on the table in the med bay, staring down at her thighs. Of all the times to discuss her worries with Chakwas, she was doing it on a really bad day. Things were put into a different perspective when it came to the things in life she didn't want versus what she couldn't' have. Something from childhood that always seems to follow people; even if they don't want something, they will want it once they are told they can't have it. She felt like she should cry but then again what help would that do? She can't change what her body can't give her anymore._

 _"I'm sorry, Shepard, I should have told you sooner. I couldn't find a good time" Dr Chakwas said, putting an arm around her shoulders._

 _"It's not your fault, Chakwas. I thought my period had just been delayed because of stress" she murmured, trying to reel in the news still. "Like I would want to bring a child into a galaxy as mangled as this. Even when this mission is over, I don't think I'd be a very good mother," She smiled weakly._

" _You would be one of the greatest mothers ever known. You wouldn't take their shit but you would make them strong," Chakwas whispered to her, hugging her. Children. To look down at a creature she brought into this world, something good to contribute instead of so much destruction was a nice thought. She could just see herself having a son with blue eyes and light blonde hair, almost silver. He would have been soldier just like her. He would grow up with a temper but a strong sense of self. He would be one of the most loved children in the entire universe. Shepard took a deep breath to stop any tears that could come._

" _You can still have a family, dear" Chakwas said to her._

 _Shepard was already shaking her head, "I don't want to adopt a kid. I don't feel like I could replace the loss they feel without their parents. They would forever know their parents were killed or gave them up. It's not the same" She knew it was a bad thing to say but she couldn't stand the thought of adopting a kid just for them to have the same baggage as her._

" _I'm...gonna go check on the crew" Shepard got up from the bed._

" _Maybe you should take time to process this, Shepard" spoke with worry in her voice._

 _"The best thing I can do is normalize the situation, easier to forget" Shepard muttered._

 _That had been a bad decision. The moment she walked out of the medbay, she heard the ensign talking about his one year old niece, contemplating a gift for her birthday. He showed a picture to the one crew member and she cooed in response. She was beginning to sound out words but nothing coherent yet. She's very attached to her dad which is rare for babies as they are usually at the hip of their mother. The ensign went onto say his sister was in labor for 46 hours but it was well worth it._

 _Shepard walked away quickly finding sanctuary in the Port Observation deck. It was empty, perfect place to let a few tears loose if they were coming. She wished she was back on Mindoir, where the sun shined warmly upon the fresh cut grass, where you mother and father farmed for a living. She wished she never joined the Alliance. She wished she was never Commander Shepard. She felt the tears coming, before they could escape, there was a knock on the door_

She woke up with a light spasm. Someone was actually knocking on her door. She rubbed her eyes, shrugging off the disorientation. "Come in," she called out. Chakwas walked in through the door and she was relieved it was neither Garrus or Kaidan as she had no desire to speak to with them. She just wanted to sleep. Chakwas was holding a pill bottle in her hand. Shepard cocked a brow at her.

"I heard about what happened," Chakwas said quietly. _Of course you did_ , Shepard thought bitterly. Everyone one the ship had heard that fight. "I have a feeling you may have trouble sleeping tonight," resting the bottle in Shepherd's hand. She turned it over and saw her old sleeping pills. Conflict crossed her features. Sure she would be able to sleep but it wasn't the sleep she liked, it wasn't natural. She gnawed on her bottom lip before shaking her head. She didn't want anymore prescriptions, no more pain killers. She handed the bottle back to the doctor. "Are you sure, Shepard?" she asked, her tone was cautious. Shepard couldn't sleep without the pills or Garrus. That night she was choosing neither; she knew the implications. She was too mad to sleep with Garrus and too proud to take the pills.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'll be okay" for once she sounded confident in that. PTSD didn't go away overnight or ever really but she made it this far.

"Alright well, they're here if you need them," She began to walk away, "Goodnight, Shepard"

"Chakwas, wait" She called out. The doctor turned around with patient eyes. She knew it was probably true about her fertility but she couldn't let false hope consume her. "Is it true...that," she paused, taking the leap, "that I can't have children?" she asked. She almost immediately regretted the words, knowing the harsh reality.

Chakwas' mouth formed a tight line, her eyes crinkled in sympathy. She let her head dip in one nod. Shepard felt her heart crack in her chest, for once she wished the memory was only a dream. "I'm sorry Shepard" she said in a small voice.

"It's okay, thank you" she muttered, avoiding eye contact. Chakwas bid her goodnight. Shepard settled underneath the covers, hoping her mind would allow her to sleep the night away but she knew well enough that was not an option. Nevertheless, she felt the lure of sleep drag her down.

 _There were white walls, that's all she could see. Panic settled in her throat._ Not that hospital _, she thought,_ not again. _She shook her head and felt numbness in her legs. She looked down, seeing them form their shape under the covers and sighed in relief. A three fingered hand was holding onto hers. She looked over and saw Garrus' face. He smiled at her._

 _"How are you feeling?" he asked, his voice uncharacteristically relaxed, almost joyful?_

 _Shepard narrow her eyes at him, "I'm not sure. My legs are numb" the turian chuckled at her, nuzzling her head with his. What was going on?_

" _Well that is pretty normal"_

" _What do you mean?" She asked, starting to get agitated that he assumed she knew what was going on. Why was he so damned happy? It was rare for Garrus to even smile and now he looked ecstatic._

 _In that moment million-questions-fanboy-Mark walked in. She felt a groan coming, ready for her interrogation but instead he was holding a blue blanket. She looked at it skeptically, still very confused. Then the blanket cooed, a baby's coo. The mystery clicked in her brain as the doctor handed her the blanket. With shaky fingers, she pulled down the blanket to see a human baby. Her heart was beating heavily in her chest, tears were forming in her eyes. The baby boy looked up at her with blue eyes, her eyes. Little strands of silver were sprouted from his head. A million questions were raving in her mind but all she could focus on was the miracle in her arms, the feeling of his soft skin underneath her fingers._

" _Decide on a name yet?" the doctor asked casually._

 _Shepard sputtered, she didn't even understand how the child existed. Garrus laughed again, cradling the boy's head in his hand. "Maxxius, after my grandfather. Right, Mommy-Brain?" he said to her, his subharmonics hinting at sarcasm. She shook her head, trying to take it all in. A turian name on a human baby, it was surprisingly perfect._

" _Maxxius" she said softly, snuggling her cheek to his. Her son. Mark nodded, typing it into a datapad. She heard his tiny gabble in her ear, the quietest of symphonies. "I love you" she cooed, "forever and ever."_

 _She looked up at her lover to ask questions until she noticed someone at the edge of the bed. She felt a huge intake of breath as Aria smiled wickedly at her. Her arms were numb. "_ No _, please, Aria" she begged. She never begged. Shepard looked over at Garrus but he was still smiling at her, like nothing was happening. Then her throat was closing. Maxxius was now asleep on her chest. Soft cries left her throat as the asari reached for her baby. She couldn't move her arms or legs, Garrus was stuck in his phase of happy silence. She could barely shake her head at the horror as the weight of her son lifted off her chest. Aria smiled down at the child. Then she looked back at the motionless human. "I'll-..." she felt like she was being choked again, the inability to talk coming back to haunt her, "do-an-...anything, pl-please" the commander whispered viciously._

" _Oh Shepard," she tsked her, "Don't you see? I don't want you to do anything" Aria said to her, bouncing the baby gently in her arms. To her horror, she saw the asari lift her one hand and it was black, thin, and sharp; like a banshee. "I just want you to suffer" her smile grew larger. Tears fell down her cheeks, her heart getting ripped from her chest. Her begging died in her swollen throat. Then, Aria struck her fingers through the baby's chest and the child's scream was the last thing she heard_

Shepard thrashed awake, no screams. Her chest was heavy with remorse, her son wasn't real. The dream was so good, she'd live through the nightmare again just to see Maxxius. FTL waves rolled across the skylight above her. She was in the captain's cabin in the bed she shared with Garrus. The mattress was empty beside her. A soft snore came from the couch and there was her lover, all emotion wiped from his face, sleeping peacefully. She looked at her omni tool to check the time and saw a message.

 _Couldn't stand the thought of you having nightmares. I know you're mad at me, just sleep in the bed, you'll barely know I'm here._

 _-G_

As she read the last of the message, a huge snore came out his mouth. She snorted softly. It was the thought that counted. At least that was the last of her nightmares for the night. She was tempted to wake him up and have them switch but he looked so stressless, sprawled out on the too small couch. She settled back into the bed, typing out a quick message back for him the morning.

His omni tool lit up with her message and she yawned. Only after sleeping on it did she realize how stupid it all was, that she was angry with him for trying to protect her. She was more pissed with Kaidan for defying and disrespecting her. In her heart, she knew she was meant to be in charge of the Normandy but she knows she has to be patient in order to take it back. Everyday she became more comfortable in her skin, fitting into it perfectly. She looked over at a picture frame on Garrus' side of the bed, Shepard in her dress blues. She wasn't smiling but something about her expression was fierce, confident. Her hair was chopped perfectly to her shoulders. Her eyes were made of blue fire, mouth in a straight line. The less she felt like she was looking at a stranger and more at herself. All she had ever wanted was to be herself, not a shadow.

With those thoughts she laid back in the bed. Her eyes rolled back into her head as she let unconsciousness take her once and for all.

* * *

Garrus woke up early in the day cycle as usual; the clock was reading 06:00 when he checked his omni tool. Shepard was still in bed, taking up the whole mattress. Stray hairs were teasing her features with her mouth slightly agape. She hadn't left to his relief and surprise. Then he looked down at his omnitool to see she had messaged him back.

 _Had a bad dream when I fell asleep in my room. Would have came up here anyway. We'll talk tomorrow. And thanks._

 _-S_

He knew she would have nightmares. He was glad to help her even if she was upset with him. He gathered his things as quietly as he could and tiptoed into the shower. He winced at the loud noises he was making and thanked the spirits Shepard was a heavy sleeper. He took a quick two minute shower, not even letting the water heat up before toweling off and heading downstairs. The third floor was quiet, not a soul on the ship was awake. He grabbed a quick breakfast before walking to the main battery.

The hours passed as he typed away at his panels, making sure the Thanix cannon was doing its daily cleanup efforts. His mind wandered to the night before after he'd gotten off the phone with his father. He knew he could sleep without Shepard but he wondered if she could sleep without him. He was her reminder that it none of it was real, that there was someone waiting for her in the waking world if something had happened. He shook off the need to go check on her several times. She would be fine for the night, if she needed him, she knew where he was. His eyelids got heavier until he knew he was doing more harm than good to the gun. The had turian logged off for the night, locking the systems so no one could meddle, and he knew his crew would try.

He had walked to the elevator and his eyes traveled to the Port Observation Deck. _Stop it, Vakarian, she'll be fine_ he scolded himself. It would kill him if she had nightmare and he could have been there to take her up to their room. He shifted his weight, doing his damndest to lock his feet in but it was futile. He made a bee-line for door. He knocked lightly on it, no response. The door opened with a soft release of air pressure and there she was; her face contorted while she slept. Either she was having a nightmare or it was about to begin. Either way, Shepard couldn't stay down there. He knew Shepard doesn't wake easily but she couldn't have been asleep that long. He took whispered steps over to the bed. First he removed the blanket with quiet precision, the former commander didn't react. He then slipped his arms underneath her small body, lifting her from the bed. Her face had contorted a little more. He held his breath, quickly carrying her to the elevator. As he entered the shaft he leaned against a corner for support. Shepard had begun glowing blue.

"No Shepard" he had whispered, "It's not real" he said to her, touching his forehead to hers. She whimpered but relaxed, He was getting better at it. Her breaths were light and short against his cold armor. It amazed him how unfazed she was, The elevator reached his floor and proceeded to carry her to bed, it was luckily unmade from that morning. He nestled her in and throw the blankets over her body. He smoothed strands of hair from her face and then ghosted away from her, not wishing to disturb her anymore.

"Hey" Jane's voice shook him out of his memories. She was wearing an N7 t-shirt with jeans. Her hair was still stuck up all over the place, it looked like she just rolled out of bed. A steaming cup of coffee was in her hand, part of it had dripped down the mug, as if she had hastily grabbed it. She was adorable.

"Hey yourself" he said, using an old expression she used to tell him. She shuffled her feet, hiding a small smile on her face. She avoided his gaze, ruffling her hands through her hair. She cleared her throat before settling into the chair by his desk. Garrus logged himself out of the main system and turned to her. Her teeth were chewing on her bottom lip, looking down at the drink. _Shepard is speechless, what a rare moment,_ Garrus thought to himself.

After a few minutes of fidgeting nervously, she took a deep breath, "Thought we could talk" she muttered. He cocked his head at her to follow him. He heard her little feet pad behind him as they approached their old spot. He sunk into the back left corner of the room. Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. He patted the spot next to him. Hesitantly, she slid down next to him, leaving an arm's length of space. He respected the space between them; in the back of his mind, he wanted to pull her over, closing the gap and begin apologizing profusely. He knew the former commander never liked that method.

"Garrus-"

"Shepard-" They both began to talk and then stopped. Shepard began to blush, apologizing was never her forte. "Go ahead, Shepard" He permitted.

"Okay," she sighed, "Listen, you were just trying to protect me yesterday. I know I was being annoying and should have stayed out of it. So, I'm sorry" she spoke quickly, picking at her fingernails, her blue eyes glancing up occasionally.

" _You're_ sorry?" he asked

She just nodded meekly, sipping her coffee.

Garrus shook his head violently, "No, Shepard, I'm sorry. I got angry because of Alenko and didn't let you put your two cents in."

She looked more confused than ever, "I overstepped my boundaries. I used my spectre status. I don't even remember if I still have it!" Her eyes were sheepish, like she got caught doing something wrong.

"Sparatus would have said something if it bothered him, And trust me, he would" Garrus emphasized on the last part. The turian councillor was more pissed at Kaidan than Shepard and his disregard for Palaven. Shepard remained silent. They never really fought, not enough for an awkward apology afterwards. Garrus wasn't sure how to proceed. Shepard sat next to him, patiently drinking her coffee. She didn't seem sure how to proceed either. _Damn_. "We used to have all our talks here you know?" Shepard looked around skeptically. He coughed out a laugh at her expression.

"Why?" She asked

He pointed up to the small black device attached to the wall. The skepticism only grew on her face. "EDI's cameras" he said.

"You know you can always just put her on 'do not disturb'" Shepard said, matter of fact.

"I know but you can never really trust AIs, they're all curious"

She smiled, looking down at the mug in her hands. "So...did we...like… do things back here?" she asked, no joking behind her features.

Now the turian chuckled out loud, "Never, Shepard. This is a sacred place" he chortled.

"Then...what did we talk about?" she asked.

"Nothing in particular, when we felt like just hanging out without the crew. We did this when we were friends too, back when this was a cerberus vessel" He smiled. She nodded, the silence becoming awkward. It had been so easy to talk before, now she was being silent. What was wrong with her? He wondered. The silence was almost sad but he couldn't pick it out of her. "Wanna know about the first time we made this spot ours?" He asked her, hoping to distract her from what's bothering her. She looked over at him tentatively and nodded weakly.

"Alright, so it was a few days after the horizon mission…" he trailed off.

 _I went to go grab a drink before heading to bed and saw you were already at our mediocre little bar. It was late, you were usually early when it came to going to bed. You didn't seem to notice me when I walked in until I went behind the bar to grab some brandy. I saw your eyes, they were bloodshot. You were far gone. It was clear you weren't over what had happened on Horizon. You threw one hell of a tantrum when you got back, no one dared to bother you. Nevertheless you greeted me._

 _"Heyyyyyyyy Gary," you slurred. Please, never call me that._

 _"You okay, Shepard?" I asked, knowing perfectly well you were not._

 _"I'm great, just great, yup" you prattled on._

 _"Which number is this?" I had wondered aloud, pointing to the glass. You had been drinking straight tequila. That wasn't you but I knew better than to judge what you were drinking._

 _"I stopped counting after 5" you slurred again. Shepard, you are the heaviest drinkers I know and when I say you were far gone, you were far gone. "Hey, let's have a drinking contest!" you started pouring more tequila._

 _"Now, Shepard, that's not fair, you got a headstart" I joked, trying to hide my worrying about you. This was the side of yourself you never showed the crew. "Why don't you go back up to your room so you can sober up? We have a lot of missions ahead" I was ready to walk you up when you just brushed me off._

 _"Why? So I can feel lonely? Unwanted?" You pressed. I didn't know what to say at the time. Frankly, the subject made me uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say to make you feel better. Somewhere deep down, you had convinced yourself that Kaidan would come back despite the fact you were with Cerberus. When he became cross with you, you were more thrown off than I'd ever seen you. "You going to bed?" you looked to me quizzically. I had no idea what you were implying and to this day, I still am not sure._

 _"Uh, no. You want to come hang out in the main battery? Not much to do in there" I shrugged. Usually you were coming into the main battery without invitation so it was odd asking you to come. You nodded and started to take your drink. "Leave it" I said. I never got between you and your drink but like I said before, you had too much. You muttered something in your weird human language and we came into here. You sat by my desk, while I began to flip through my messages. There used to be a railing over by the panel before the Normandy was retrofitted but I took my eyes off of you for one second and you were climbing over that thing._

 _"Shepard!" I yelped but you had fallen right over on your ass. I let out a frustrated growl and before you could get up, you had started laughing. Even then, it was hard to be mad at you for laughing because you so rarely did it._

 _"Never been back here before," you began walking back there._

 _"Commander, you are impossible sometimes" I muttered._

 _"Why so formal, Vakarian?" You asked before sitting with your legs crossed in this corner._

 _"Fine._ Shepard _, you are impossible sometimes"_

 _"Much better" you grinned at me. At the time, my feelings for you were buried. They existed, I just didn't know them. They probably were there when I saw you that first time after two years. I loved that smile of yours, just like your laugh, it was rare. You gave me that same smile when I walked into the comm room after half my face was blasted off._

 _"Garrus? Do you think I'm ugly?" you asked straight out. Turians don't blush but you always tried. That was the closest you had gotten so far. I never thought you were ugly but you were human, I didn't know what constituted the difference between pretty and ugly in your species. The person you were was beautiful, though. Very fierce and strong. Someone so stubborn in her ways but always fighting for the greater good._

 _So of course I said, "No, I don't think you're ugly"_

 _"But you don't think I'm pretty?" you pressed._

 _"Are all humans this superficial about their looks?" I asked, irritated. You never gave me this type of attention. I had too much on my mind to worry about what was going on in your head._

 _You just rolled your eyes at me. "I just got dumped after two years of being dead, the least you could do is lie"_

 _"Why does it matter to you what I think?" I grumbled._

 _"Because you're the only one I trust around here" You said softly, almost to yourself._

 _"Why?" I was genuinely curious. Then you just looked at me with this sly smile. It was creepy as hell._

 _"You're my best damn friend, Garrus. Shouldn't that be enough of an answer?" You slurred. I never thought of us as that close but when I really looked into it, you were my best friend. You took me on every mission, I confided all my worries into you, You always had my six and I always had yours. "Besides, you didn't answer my question" you accused me. I was hoping you had forgotten about it._

 _"You're beautiful" I blurted out like an idiot. I didn't realize what I said, almost like my subconscious spoke for me. It was all too confusing for me, it became more clear after that mission with Sidonis, my mind wasn't so clouded. You were blushing so much I'm pretty sure your body was all red._

 _"Oh uh….thanks" you struggled for your words, definitely not expecting my answer. I was just as shocked as you were. "Sorry, I'm drunk, I have no idea what I'm doing" you blubbered all sheepishly._

 _"It's alright, Shepard. For what it's worth, Alenko doesn't deserve you" I said the words you wanted to hear. "You're doing the right thing."_

 _"Thanks, Garrus" You whispered. You looked like you could cry but you didn't. You just let the emotions run across your face._

 _"No problem, Shep. Next time you're drinking though, feel free to invite me. A lady never drinks alone" I joked with you, hoping we could get passed that whole encounter._

 _"You got it"_

"And that's how this became our spot" Garrus finished.

Shepard had finished her coffee, setting it down on her other side. She smiled at him now, "You liked me then, huh?" Her fingers traced his talons on the space next to them.

"Started to get an idea at least" he muttered, distracted. She seemed to hesitate before scooting over to him, their sides touching.

"Had a different nightmare last night" Shepard murmured. Her eyes were depressed, far away. He tipped her chin up to look at him,

"You don't have to talk about it" he said to her. He just wanted her to feel better.

"I know. Just maybe its better not to bottle it," she said with shaky breath. He waited for her to begin, playing with her fingers. "I dreamt that...I had a human baby with you" the turian looked at her incredulously. Why was she thinking about children? He wondered. "Don't ask, it's my imagination. Long story short; Aria came in and-" she stopped, looking away. She squeezed his hand,. He could guess what had happened then. "I know I can't have kids, had a memory" she murmured, her voice cracking the tiniest bit. She shook her head, wincing at the words. She looked like she could cry but she was holding together.

"Shepard" he wrapped his arm around her waist, her head falling into the crook of his neck. He squeezed her into his side.

"I'm fine, really. The dream was just...a bit much" she said. She shivered against him, no wonder she would have come up. Any other dream, she may have just suffered for the night.

"There are other ways to have kids. You know that" he whispered into her hair.

"I know. Just the notion of creating something good and bringing it into the world was a nice thought," she sighed, running her hand over his knee plate.

"There's also the notion of becoming parents to a kid who doesn't have any" he murmured, being careful with his words. She shrugged against him. He knew nothing he said would help besides just letting her get over it. "Either way, Junior is gonna _love_ Daddy's gun collection" He mused in his sarcastic voice. She rolled her eyes, mashing her hand against his face, turning it away playfully. He fought against her, turning it back to her. He grabbed her cheek and held her face to his.

"Forgive me?" He asked her. She nearly forgot why they had been speaking in the first place.

She pulled his mouth plates to her lips. She held him there until they both needed to breathe. "You're awfully hard to stay mad at" she purred.

"One of my many talents" he said, pulling her in one more time.

 _A/N I always wondered how Shepard could have kids after being dead for two years; biologically it doesn't make much sense. Always went with that renegade conversation option when Garrus asked about kids. His children would so love his gun collection. Anyway, I'm in the middle of graduation and finals. Hope you all liked it! -K_


	15. Palaven

_A/N Yayyyy finally! This chapter was a lot more different in my head but this is what I have. Feel free to favorite, follow, and review! Hope you all enjoy! -Kristin_

Jane Chapter 15

Shepard rocked her hips against her lovers'. A moan began to escape her mouth but he stopped her with his. Garrus didn't want to risk EDI hearing them in the battery. They didn't have time to run back to their cabin before entering Palaven's atmosphere. Their simple sentimental kiss of forgiveness had turned into a full-blown session of sensual intimacy. They were rarely physically close much of the time. Garrus didn't want Shepard to feel as though he was using her. No matter how much she insisted, they kept their sexual interactions to a minimum. Shepard saw her opportunity and grasped it like an addict reaching for her clutch.

His one hand hugged her gluteus maximus and the other hand acted as an anchor to the back of her neck, holding her face to his. Their tongues danced around each other, embracing the other. He felt her whimper against him and it was the single hottest thing that could have come from her mouth. He wanted her so badly he didn't even bother to stop her fingers from undoing the clasps on his legs. She wanted it, he wanted it, and that was all the logic the turian needed.

"Garrus," a male voice that wasn't Shepard's came over the intercom. It was Joker. "I have a message for you coming in from Palaven command"

He sneered and took a deep breath. He could feel Shepard's own feather light breaths against his face plates. He didn't take his eyes off her, only twisting his head to the side "What?" He barked.

"Hey, hey you told me to report any priority messages to you 'without delay'?" Joker made it sound like a question, clearly not wanting to deal with the angry interim commander. Apparently Garrus' growl was loud enough as Joker added, "I'll just...send it to your Omni tool."

The Comm went silent. Shepard bit her bottom lip, not retracting herself from his lap. She looked away, embarrassed. "If you need to-" he clutched her ass, holding it closer to him, Garrus stopped her with a kiss. She moaned against his mouth before he broke the embrace between them. She got up first, retrieving her empty coffee cup, before holding out her hand to him. He took it and hoisted himself off the ground. He slid his arm around her waist, pulling her against him once more. "Do we have to?" she whined.

"Unfortunately, we must take a rain check" he muttered, kissing her forehead. She sighed when he released her.

He then logged into his omni tool and opened the message from Palaven command regarding grounding information. Garrus and a squad were to be escorted straight to the center of Cirprintine where they would meet with investigators at the last place Victus was before his abduction. He couldn't wrap his head around it, his father as the Primarch. _For the time being_ , he thought to himself. If Victus was dead- Garrus shook his head at the thought. Kidnapping never stopped the man before. For all anyone knows, he escaped and is already on his way back to the capitol. He could only hope.

Garrus contemplated whether he should bring Shepard or not. Dealing with family matters regarding his personal relationship would eventually arise. While he had not told his Dad, or Solana for that manner, about he and Shepard, this was not the best time to bring it up. He was just hoping they wouldn't either. Bringing Shepard anywhere close to Aria put a lump in his throat. She had trained well since then; her bodily endurance and strength were growing every day. Despite that, his overprotective nature claimed him, his worries trying rip him from his resolve to bring her. In the end, he knew she would fight tooth and nail to come with him. Even now, there was no Shepard without Vakarian.

"You okay?" Shepard's voice snapped him out of his revere. His omni tool was still out with the message. Her eyebrows were pulled in.

"Yeah, just an itinerary," the turian said, closing the device on his arm.

"So, where are we going?" Shepard asked.

His mandibles quirked out the tiniest bit, a small smile, "Palaven's capital, Cirprintine. We're going to meet with my father and try to figure out where Victus could have went"

She nodded, "will this be my first time on Palaven?" she asked, hesitantly.

"Yes, the closest you ever came was to Menae, one of our moons," he informed, watching the former commander calculate. Shepard nodded again, her eyebrows still scrunched in. "You're going to need to wear light armor, you humans are too plushy and sensitive for the weak magnetic field around the planet" he said sarcastically, poking her cheek. She smacked his hand out of the way with a smirk before exiting the room. _Time to meet the family,_ he thought to himself.

* * *

"Cirprintine flight control, this is SSV Normandy requesting permission to land," Joker drawled, throwing screens through the air. Garrus shifted uncomfortably behind him. The ship broke through Palaven's atmosphere and it was the first time the turian had seen his home since the war. There was a lump in his throat. The buildings he thought would never fall were in shambles. The streets of his childhood nowhere to be seen. Instead, construction crews scattered the ground, doing more cleaning than rebuilding.

"SSV Normandy you are clear to land, proceed to gate 1. You will be greeted by a landing party when you disembark," a two-toned voice responded. The capitol had come into view then. It had withstood the war amazingly. As the seat of Palaven's government, it was the most heavily defended structure on the planet. Joker landed the Normandy and Garrus heard footsteps behind him. He had requested Shepard and Tali accompanied him to investigate. Tali was in her usual armor. Shepard was wearing a black and red-light armor with a transparent helmet. Her face was indifferent; awaiting orders.

He cocked his head to the airlock. As the doors shut behind them, decontamination protocol burst throughout the space then silence. In those few moments before the doors opened, all that could be heard were three pairs of breathing; calm, slow, and rigid. Garrus gazed over at Tali, her eyes glowing behind her mask. He felt calmness wash over him then, trying to get a grip.

The air rushed over the three and the heat nearly knocked them off their feet, even the turian. The heat was more intense than he remembered. Five figures stepped into view. Four guards and-

"It's been a long time, Brother" Garrus' sister stepped into view, grinning.

"Solana? You're part of the greeting party?" Were the first words out of his mouth. She was standing tall, in government attire, blacks and silvers painted her ensemble.

She was silent for a few moments, her blue colony markings tightening along with her mandibles, a scowl. "Good to see you too, Garrus. Me? I'm great, thanks for asking" she said sarcastically. She gripped him into a tight hug. He accepted the embrace.

"Sorry, I'm glad to see you're okay," he murmured to her.

"Much better," she chirped, releasing him. Her eyes maneuvered to the silent female human. Solana extended her hand immediately. "You must be Shepard. I've heard so much about you" she exclaimed.

"It's nice to meet you, Solana" Shepard replied in a formal tone. Grasping the turian's hand in a firm shake.

"Ah, what the hell" the turian threw her arms around Shepard too, "Sorry, I'm a hugger" she yelped. A small chuckled escaped Shepherd's lips as she returned the odd gesture. Garrus' smacked a hand to his face. _Little sisters_ , he grumbled internally. Solana dropped her arms and gestured to Tali, "and you are?" she prompted.

Now Tali struck her hand out to the turian, "Tali Zorah, Nice to meet you" she greeted, shaking hands.

"Pleasure to meet you, Tali. Alright, let's make our way to the capitol, shall we?" Solana ushered the squad through the corridor outside the airlock. The floors were tiled with marble and the walls kept a sleek black and silver design. The only sound that could be heard were the raps of 8 pairs of feet. No paintings were on the walls, no eccentric designs, nothing that jumped out. The turians kept their structures simple and to the point; functionality dominating style but also keeping a crisp exterior.

"So, what are you? Palaven's official greeter?" Garrus snorted.

"Ha-ha, so funny. You weren't the only one to become a government official," Solana shot back at him.

"You? _You're_ a government official? How many of them were killed?" her brother spits sarcastically.

"Victus has an eye for talent, Mr. Know-It-All. Instead of shooting at things, I argue with ambassadors all day long. Our regions all have their own wicked ideas of reconnaissance. I'm here to keep them in line," Solana explained.

"Like a liaison?" Shepard asked.

"Exactly. I communicate reconstruction plans with the different districts, finding the best way to get Palaven back on its feet" She sounded as if she were grinning, proud.

The crowd of people each stood through scanners before entering a larger room. The roof opened up on the inside, creating a high ceiling. Pillars lined the walls with a rigid, block-like design, almost like bricks but white and smoothed out.

"And when did that happen?" Garrus continued the conversation.

"Sometime after the Reapers were destroyed. Though I was doing more local work outside of the capitol and closer to father before the primarch was-" Solana looked away, pained. It seemed she had grown close to Victus.

"We'll find him, Sol" he replied, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Well, that is why you're here" she shrugged him off. Her undertones sounded bitter but kept it hidden under indifferent vocals. Garrus huffed and proceeded without another word. At the end of the room sat a desk surrounded by other turians. Hushed mutters filled the air. They stopped once the group approached. They all wore the same uniform as Solana. An older looking Garrus stood behind the desk. His face contorted together; stressed. Shepard looked between the turian and his father, amazed at the likeness. Their eyes were the same blue, colony markings striking up in faded jaunts among his cheek bones. His face was unscarred and pale. Garrus stood like a statue in front of his old man, unsure of what to say. It had been nearly a year since they had seen each other.

"All of you, out" he snapped his fingers at all his cohorts. They left silently, with only Solana, Garrus, Tali, and Shepard remaining. The room was so quiet, one could hear a pin drop. Shepard shuffled her feet awkwardly. Not the preferred family reunion. Maybe humans were just different. "Garrus" his father said coolly.

"Dad," Garrus replied. Shepard winced at the harshness.

The older Vakarian walked around the desk giving him a strong pat on the shoulder, his eyes running up and down his son. He was looking for something but Shepard could not pinpoint what. After a few moments of analyzing, "Glad to see you're unharmed."

He shrugged under his father's grip, "A few new scars here and there." That quirked a smile from the older man.

"Good to hear," he mused. His eyes traveled to Shepard's. He studied her as well with the same expression before extending his talon. "Commander Shepard? Castis Vakarian, I've heard a lot about you" he echoed Solana.

She tentatively grasped his hand, giving him a polite smile, "Yeah, I've been getting that a lot lately" she replied lightly.

"I just wanted to say thank you on behalf of my people. You helped us when we couldn't come to you" He said sincerely.

Shepard was shocked and aware Castis did not know about her memory. Instead she just nodded, "Of course," she spoke in a quiet voice. He dipped his head to her.

"Now, where the hell is Sparatus?" he asked Garrus.

"Finishing up some stuff on the Normandy, he will be out momentarily" he replied.

"Let's not waste any more time then. I'll lead you to where Adrien was last seen," Castis gestured for them all to follow.

* * *

Several omni-tools lit up the room at Victus was last in; his private quarters. The room was spotless, to say the least. Medals decorated the walls. The door to his closet was ajar, revealing his plethora of uniforms hung in a neat and strict fashion. His bed was huge with tan sheets and oddly shaped dark pillows; of course, the bed was made. The desk against the opposite wall only revealed a laptop and a couple of photos. Despite his conservative state of cleanliness, windows took up the entire backwall, which revealed the capital city. Tali meandered her way over to the laptop, before looking at up Castis.

"May I?"

"Please," he granted her permission through a gesture. The Quarian proceeded to hack into the computer, tracking down anything that could help them. Garrus approached the desk beside her and picked up the picture.

"Tarquin Victus" he muttered to himself. He stared at the photo thoughtfully. Shepard opened her mouth to ask who that was but then remembered that now was not the best time to inform Castis of her memory issues. _Lieutenant!_ Her own voice screamed inside her head. She shut her eyes, a muddy vision crossed through her mind. _Victory, at any cost_ , she saw a turian falling to his death then an explosion. Her lids shot open. No one had seemed to notice her revere.

"Good lad. He was a hero" the patriarch commented. His son nodded and set it back down on the desk.

"Got anything yet, Tali?" he asked their resident hacker.

"Encrypted message but I can't seem to decipher it," she sounded like she was struggled, quickly whizzing her fingers over the keyboard.

"Perhaps I could be of some assistance?" Traynor's voice buzzed into their radios.

"Go for it, specialist" Tali stepped away from the console. All the sudden, different characters on the screen moved at a rapid pace, millions of bits of data flashing across the screen. The device buzzed from all the stimulation of the hacking. Different windows opened in each screen then closing suddenly. "it's coordinates…in reverse binary coding."

Shepard let out an amused huff, "You can understand all of that?" She watched Castis whip his head at her in his vision, she could feel his scrutinizing gaze of the side of her face. She began to heat up.

"Well I am bilingual in 12 languages, binary is not any different" Shepard swore she could hear Samantha grinning. She rolled her eyes. All their omni tools beeped with her information. Then the computer screen went black, a small spark spitting out of the keypad. Castis' omni tool beeped additionally. "Tell Victus he can get a new laptop and change."

"Thanks, Traynor" Garrus spoke for his speechless father. He looked back at Tali and Shepard, "Get back to the ship and gear up, we have a primarch to save." They both nodded and exited the room.

"Garrus, I just have a few questions for you" Castis called out to him. The turian turned back from his group to walk into the room. Before the door closed, Shepard stopped quickly and activated her technical cloak. Tali looked back and shook her head.

"Go, I'll catch up" she whispered.

The Quarian grumbled something in her language before loping off. Shepard leaned against the wall next to the door as it shut. The only ones left were Castis and Solana. The other officiants had left when the hacking began. Castis maintained a stone-cold expression and Solana looked confused, swapping her eyes between them. Garrus' back was to Shepard but she could only imagine what his face was.

"So…your commander seems pretty…submissive" the older turian began to pace. He kept up with his cold and calculated look.

"This is my mission for my people, she won't stand in my way" Garrus kept his tone even.

Castis stood rigidly, clearly not buying it. "Victus was her friend too, was he not? You'd think she would be more concerned" he countered.

Now his son shifted from one foot to another; nervous. Shepard could feel her heart pounding inside her rib cage. He knew.

"Dad, what are you getting at?" Solana interrupted.

"I want to know what's wrong with the great Commander Shepard I heard so much about. She wasn't just being a subordinate, she was afraid" He spit out. Garrus winced now.

"Is Shepard okay?" Solana asked her brother. All she wanted to do was blow her cover and run with him because clearly, he wanted out. There was a long silence. Shepard could hear his breathing, uneven and low. The room was so tense, it could be cut with a knife. His father stood his ground, patiently awaiting an answer.

"Shepard…" Garrus trailed off, taking a deep breath before continuing, "Shepard lost her memories after the Reaper invasion." Castis had the same expression but Solana's eyes softened, her mandibles pulling out gently. He sounded so distraught and disappointed, the rough tone of his voice made her cringe. It was nothing like the confidence she had noted whenever they were together; the voice that told her everything was okay. Was everything not okay? Were they lying to themselves? An ache began to push its way through Shepard's chest.

"Garrus, I'm so sorry" Solana said quietly. He nodded to her.

Castis immediately began interrogating, asking question upon question pertaining to her condition; did the alliance make her stay on the Normandy, who was in charge for the time being, how long had it been going on, did she remember anything, is it safe for her to even venture to find Victus? Each inquiry hit her like a ton of bricks, waiting for the inevitable question. Garrus answered each truthfully; more or less. His answers showed no sign of apprehension until- "and the rumors I've been hearing? Are they true"

"Which ones?"

"The one that assumes she would be part of this family" he said slowly, as if trying to make him understand. She didn't know much about Castis besides that he was "by the book." She wondered if that meant he was a traditionalist pertaining to his family life as well.

"Yes"

"And now?" he pushed.

The turian took a long deep breath. The automatic "yes" she had been expecting was absent. Her throat felt like it could close. Shepard beat down the panic, trying to reassure herself that he was not doubting their relationship. It's quite possible he could have been lying to her to make the memory loss thing easier; give her more confidence and perhaps she would remember that way. Her mind began creating scenarios that made too much sense. "It's complicated." And there it was, the uncertainty she knew the turian had been hiding from her.

Castis nodding, processing the response. Solana scowled at him, "Father, do you really have to go all c-sec on him?"

"I'm getting my facts straight. If she is going to my future daughter-in-law, do you not think she should be fully aware of what she is getting herself into?" he was so matter of fact, Shepard nearly puked.

Garrus shook his head vehemently, sputtering. "Shepard isn't an idiot, Dad. She knows perfectly well what she is getting herself into!"

"So, you're meaning to tell me that someone- who, by the way could never carry grandchildren for me or continue our family lineage- with no previous knowledge of your relationship willingly agreed to be with someone outside her own species when she, herself, barely understands what's going on?" Shepard winced at the children comment as she knew it was true. It was something that she always tried to abandon but Castis was seeming to bring out all the demons of the relationship and slamming them at his son.

Now he was shaking, the anger rolled off his shoulders and brushed into Shepard's own trembling body. "If she wanted to leave, she would have."

"It's easy to look away from what is not so obvious. Garrus, son, I'm not trying to doubt you. I need to know that you're with her and she is with you because of how you feel for each other, not what you think you feel. Those two can easily fade into one" his father spoke more gently, seeing that his son was only getting angrier. "I think you have the ability to reassure me that," he prompted the answer from Garrus.

Again, Shepard was expecting the automatic reassurance that he cared for her and there was no questioning. But of course, she was experiencing his heart-wrenching silence again. Some part of her had begun to break, the part that first caused her to fall in love with him all over again, that strong feeling of rightness she felt when she first saw him. Was she so naïve they could forget the baggage she had? The amount of time, friendship, and experience that had been the foundation of their very relationship. She didn't know any of those three blocks and without them- She placed a gripped on a table to keep herself upright. It _was_ a lie. They didn't want to admit it, of course, who would? Every memory they shared belonged to Garrus and the girl who was supposed to be dead in the rubble. She knew his answer before he even uttered it in his low, hollowed out voice.

"I can't"

That was all Shepard could bear to hear. She brushed off the wall, opening the door. She didn't stop to look at their eyes.

* * *

Garrus returned to the Normandy, his heart pounding in his chest. What the hell had just happened? Was he so ignorant that when his father hits him with the hard questions, he crumbles at the response? Did he love Shepard? He stopped short. He thought he did, but under that gaze of those old piercing eyes, it was easy to succumb to the cold hard truth. He would never be sure ever again, not unless Shepard did remember. Ignorance was bliss but was he so unsure? He gulped down the bile that had been creeping up his throat the entire time. All he could do is act normally in front of Shepard, talk with her later, and he knew it would be okay. It didn't matter what Castis Vakarian thought, it matters what Garrus Vakarian thought. That didn't stop the doubt that had taken up space so nicely in the back of his mind.

Tali and Shepard were already in the airlock, helmets on. He brushed passed them without much thought, clipping his own armor on. He reached for his mantis and avenger rifle before signaling to the two follow him, heading down to the shuttle bay. Cortez was already in the pilot's chair, bringing up the coordinates, before zooming out of the Normandy.

"Traynor, you're sure the coordinates came from Victus?" Garrus asked. The specialist's head appeared on the vidcom in the cockpit.

"I can't be sure. All I know is it was sent a few hours after he disappeared. Who else would send it to his personal laptop?" She shrugged.

"Someone who wants to lead us into a trap?" Tali inquired.

"Well it's the only clue we got. It's always a risk to fall for a trip. Let's just hope our instincts are right and it is Victus" Garrus muttered. He stole a glance over at Shepard and he wish he hadn't. Her blue eyes conveyed coldness, nearly mimicking his father's expression. Did she know something? She hadn't been in the room. It was probably something else. They would talk later and it would all be solved.

The Kodiak flew through the tropical forests of Palaven. The shuttle hugged the shadows of the trees and Cortez made it seem like a piece of cake. The coordinates were 50 clicks south of the capital, relatively close. Something wasn't right. Then they stopped. Garrus cocked a brow at Cortez, no base, no fort, nothing. Just leaves on the ground, carpeting the entire forest. The three stepped out of the shuttle.

"Scatter and look for clues, see if there are any hidden messages or signs of a trap" he ordered. They nodded silently and separated. Tali began scanning the trees with her omnitool and Shepard ruffled the leaves on the ground. Garrus gazed at the trees through his sniper scope, looking for foul play. Branch to bloody branch, everything was normal. He sighed, bringing down his weapon. Shepard was still scouring the ground, her eyes flicked to his for the tiniest second before returning to searching. Irritation crossed his features. What the hell did she know? She hadn't been inside the room when the conversation was happening. Then it struck him, the door had opened randomly. Was that her? His heart sunk with confusion. How had she seen it? What he had said, she had heard all of it. This was not the place to talk to her but he knew he needed to. He had to reiterate that no matter how confused he was about their relationship, he still cared about her and would never intentionally lead her on. She looked back at him again.

He had to say something, "D-Did you find anything?" he stuttered.

"Not yet but I-" she had gotten up and the ground made a metallic noise. Her eyebrows scrunched together and banged her foot against the ground; that sound again. The three began brushing away the jungle floor to find a metal plated covering. "Bingo" Shepard sang.

"Bingo?" Tali asked.

"Human idiom"

Garrus helped Shepard lift the lid. It revealed a latter leading into darkness. The turian tossed the makeshift door to the side and began to climb down. The light on his armor turned on automatically, breaking away at the darkness. Palaven's warmth disappeared above him and was greeted by a dense cold hallway. It was so narrow that the squad had to squeeze in one by one. Garrus' clicked on his visor which showed him Shepard's vitals. Her heartrate was through the roof and breathing was jagged. Shepard never expressed her fear of small spaces but it was spoken through the way she reacted to them. Her foot caught something and she tripped behind him. Her frightened hand caught onto his armor as she yelped. "You okay?" he asked her.

She took a few deep breathes "yeah, I'm fine."

A couple more steps and they had reached the end of the hallway the walls had expanded into a large room. Garrus heard sighs of relief from both Shepard and Tali.

"I gotta lay off that dextro ice cream" Garrus said, patting his stomach.

"Agreed" Tali breathed.

Shepard had wondered ahead but there was a rustling, "Hey let go!" she screamed.

"Shepard!" Garrus whipped out his assault rifle at the shadow that had captured the former commander. She was being choked; airways cut off. Tali had also equipped her shotgun, finger hovering over the trigger. "Let her go" he commanded.

"Or what? You'll shoot?" A voice said sarcastically; human male. He didn't recognize the voice. "You'll risk your mate's life, Garrus Vakarian?" he stepped into the light. His black hair glistened from condensation. His weapon was dropped at his side, Shepard's head was grasped in his other arm. His face was hard as she clawed uselessly at his grip on her. "Now, now, darling, better?" he whispered to her, loosening his grip.

"Go to hell," She hissed at him. Garrus tensed as the stranger brought his nose to the side of Shepard's head, inhaling. He closed his eyes and smiled. He wanted to rip that man's balls off so hard it took out his intestines. No one touches Shepard like that. "You smell just like you used to." So, he knew her but Shepard knew a lot of humans.

Then it clicked in Garrus' head, "A.J.?" he asked.

"I just go by Drew now" He corrected nonchalantly, shifting to his other foot.

"What the hell are you doing?" the turian seethed.

Shepard croaked, "Why do this?"

He ignored her, "I'm the one standing between you and my royal hostage" the human barked to Garrus "You want her?" He shook the former commander in his arm like a toy, "walk away. You shouldn't meddle with Aria's plans."

"You have no idea who you're working for, kid" he warned, "Let the primarch go and you'll never hear from us again."

"You think I'm that stupid, bird?" the man shot back. They took a step forward and the perpetrator brought the gun to Shepard's head. "Walk away" he demanded once more. With precision, Garrus shot the gun out of the man's hand. Now he shifted his hold on his hostage. Shepard's eyes began to flutter. Her heartbeat had slowed down, her eyes rolled back into her head and she went limp. His finger released off her neck; a pressure point. "I offered you an escape and you foolishly denied it." Garrus growled feeling his own rage in his feet. He wanted twist that pretty head off his neck and smash it to a million pieces. Before he could move, two big hands clasped down on his armor. He found them and throw the krogan bodyguard over his shoulder. Feeling his adrenaline rush, the turian bombarded through another human bodyguard that had stepped in front of the perpetrator.

"Tali!" He grunted. The Quarian mechanic followed suit, shooting a flamethrower at Drew. He swept to the right. Garrus had gotten close enough to headbutt Drew before catching Shepard in his arms. The human fell to the floor. Her head clunked against his armor as he stepped back. His primal instincts told him to rip him to shreds but they didn't have time to fight so vigorously. The turian growled. Clutching his assault rifle, Garrus shot two nice bullets in the man's legs, "That'll slow you down." He screamed, clutching at the wounds, "You ever come within a lightyear of my girl and I will make you wish you were never born, kid" he used the most loathing and menacing voice he could muster before turning away.

This was their only chance, Victus was there and it was the only location they knew. They ran down the hallway, Tali was scanning for lifeforms.

"I've got one! Down the next corridor!" Tali squeaked. The door they approached banged incessantly, someone was desperately trying to get out. Quickly, Tali hacked through the door and it basically fell off its hinges. There was Victus, his casual wear ripped all over. Dirt and mud nearly covered his colony markings. He was clutching his stomach and heavily breathing. He began to wobble and Tali caught him, securing her arm around his back.

"Thank the spirits. Garrus Vakarian?" The primarch asked.

"Can we hold onto the reunion until we get back to the shuttle?" He asked.

"Works for me" He nodded and they all limped down the hallway. Alarms had begun blaring before they started hustling back for the ladder. Drew was nowhere to be seen, only stream of blood fading from the room. He would find that kid someday and make him pay. Garrus grunted, throwing Shepard over his shoulder; her breathing was shallow and faint.

"By the way, Victus?"

"Yes?" he grunted.

"You look like hell," Garrus snorted.

The primarch then chuckled, "Cause you're always a sight for sore eyes, Vakarian."

 _A/N: Two things: one so sorry for all the updates. I realized the plot holes as I reread the series myself. I only scan for grammatical stuff before I post so sorry if you are all getting bombarded with update notices. Secondly, I put a Dragon Age Inquisition Reference in this Chapter. Feel free to let me know if you found it! That scene always gave me a smile!_


	16. The Hardest Pill

Jane Chapter 16

 _It was cold and dark; an environment she had grown too used to. But there was breathing; the only sign she was alive. The most familiar of all sounds was just that simple flow of oxygen, her lungs hungrily taking in any available air. The familiar hum of the shuttle was far away, her perception playing tricks on her._

 _There was something else she felt; guilt, a heavy heart, determination, resolution. She didn't understand any of it until her eyes opened to the ground of the main battery. She was crouched down, knees pulled up to her chest. Someone shifted next to her. Shepard looked up to who else but Garrus. He caught her stare and patted her knee._

 _"You don't have to come with me" Shepard muttered._

 _"I know. I wanted to" he replied simply, turning his stare to the wall adjacent to them. Shepard's cheeks warmed slightly. They were in their secret spot; like two children trying hide from their parents. They both knew that their time together would end inevitably._

 _There was a long silence between them before Shepard spoke again, "Where will you go now?" her chest felt as hollow as her voice sounded._

 _"I don't know…I can't see how welcome I'll be at home. My sister and I left off on a bad note" his voice was far away, eyes staring into nothingness, "And my mother…" Shepard's hand grasped his tightly. He stared at their fingers and sighed._

 _"This maybe your last chance to see her"_

 _"It may already be too late," he was in pain. She settled her head against his shoulder._

 _"You'll never know unless you go back," the commander whispered._

 _"ETA to Alliance Headquarters 3 minutes, Shepard" Joker's voice said over the comm._

 _"Copy that, Joker" Shepard responded mechanically._

 _"And when will I see you again?" Garrus asked the question Shepard was afraid of. She bit down on her lip. The thought of leaving him behind hurt her more than he possibly knew. Her duty was her priority, she needed the alliance and the alliance needed her. If there was any way she could prepare Earth for the Reapers, she would do it. As much as Garrus didn't want to admit it, she knew Palaven needed him too. She stood up out of his arms, knowing this goodbye would be harder than the last. She began to walk away, crushing down any feelings of temptation. "Shepard," he called after her._

 _"I need to get to the bridge" she kept her voice as even as she could._

 _The door's lock turned red before she could leave. She let out a frustrated sigh and turned back to Garrus. If it wasn't such a hard moment, he would have grinned. "So that's it? We just forget about it?" he said, getting close to her face, forcing her to speak with him._

 _"I can't have you worrying about me when your family and your people need you"_

 _"I'll never stop worrying about you now. If you didn't want that, we should have never done this" He growled at her. Her heart spiked, wondering if he was regretting any of this. "Shepard, I- "he shook his head, trying to formulate words. Shepard's eyes were tracing the lines of his face, taking them in, wondering if she would ever see them again after this. She wished he would have just let her leave. "I thought this was just casual sex, believe me. Something's changed, stop me if I'm wrong, please. I…I really care about you now. It's not something I can turn off" he shut his eyes._

 _Shepard took a deep breath through her nose, knowing full well if she opened her mouth, unstoppable mush would come out of it and Garrus didn't need that. Instead, she brought her hand up to the scarred side of his face, kissing all the injuries. She heard him take a shuttering breath, hugging her to his chest. She wrapped her arms around his neck, returning the gesture. "Something has changed. I care about you. I want you" She whimpered, "What doesn't change is the fact that we are soldiers and have responsibilities for our races first."_

 _He sighed again, running two fingers through her hair, "you're right, of course. I can't ask you to wait for me- "She stopped him with her mouth to his. He grunted, surprised at her gesture but held her tightly. She broke away but left little space between them._

 _"I know you're pretty bad at being a turian but listen to your commander, please" she said softly. After a hesitant moment, he nodded his head. "Go to Palaven, see your family, warn them of the Reapers, try to get the turians to prepare. I'll do the same here." He nuzzled is forehead to hers._

 _"Anything else?" he asked._

 _She planted him one more kiss before backing out of his arms, "Stay alive."_

 _"Yes, ma'am" he complied._

 _Unfamiliar voices were getting closer. Garrus unlocked the door and Shepard stole one last look at him before opening it to Alliance soldiers._

 _"Commander Shepard? You're under arrest for the deaths in the Bahak system. Come with us" The one man said._

 _She nodded silently and pulled up her hands in surrender. They forced her hands down and took her in cuffs, walking away from the person she had gotten to know the most._

* * *

" _Shit_ " Garrus cussed. Greenery passed by the Kodiak in a blur. Cannon fire shot passed the open door. Shepard's head was laid against his armor, she twitched slightly in her unconscious state. Victus quickly grabbed a grenade launcher that had been hanging on the wall behind the cockpit.

"Back to work already," the primarch bellowed. The turian swung himself outside the door, only holding on by one talon on the inside of the shuttle.

"Victus!" Garrus shouted after him.

"You take care of Shepard, I'll take care of these bastards" he opened fire on the hostile shuttle behind them. "They won't shoot me! I'm precious cargo!" he laughed releasing another explosive. Garrus rolled his eyes, checking Shepard's vitals; heart rate was slow but steady. He also checked for any poison within her system but nothing came up. If Drew had put any more pressure on her neck, she would have been a goner. He was going to kill that worthless son of a bitch. Tali opened up the other door, unhooking Garrus' assault rifle from his back.

"Hey!"

"Like my shotgun will do damage from here!" she shouted, sending an overload out from her omni tool. She held down the trigger of the rifle and bullets burst from the barrel. The Kodiak lurched back and forth, Cortez trying to avoid the cannon fire from the hostiles. Victus had begun to sway, and Garrus quickly shot his foot out to capture Victus' leg spur, anchoring him to the shuttle. The primarch didn't seem to notice, only cackling his laughter as he fired the grenades.

"Attempting evasive maneuvers! Everyone hold onto the something!" Cortez yelled to them. The shuttle launched upward, both Tali and Victus falling backwards. Garrus activated his mag boots, the other two followed suits. The engines screamed in protest while the vehicle flipped into a 360. "They're tough, going to try to lose them again!" Cortez proceed to swish and rock the shuttle in and out of trees. Shepard was not the lightest human being, so even the turian was struggling keep a stable hold on her.

"Let me get another shot!" Victus yelled out.

"Negative, I need to get them off our trail, we're locked by their sensors!"

"God damn it, boy! You open these shuttle doors before I blast them off their hinges!" Reluctantly the shuttle doors opened. Once more Victus popped out of the shuttle, shooting off the grenade launcher. With a satisfying grin, all that could be heard was the explosion of the enemy shuttle crashing. The loud sounds caused Shepard to jerk awake. Disoriented she scanned her eyes over the vehicle and up at Garrus.

"It's alright, Shepard, it's over," he looked up towards the cockpit, "land this bird, Cortez," and then turned to Tali and the primarch, "check for survivors." Shepard shoved herself off the turian, "Shepard?" She limped away silently. He immediately followed her as the Kodiak touched down. She was close behind Victus as they approached the fiery mess. The fire crackled and a flare birthed from the side of the shuttle.

"No way anyone survived that" Tali muttered.

Shepard brushed passed both slowly. She un-holstered her shotgun and held it up to the shuttle. Her suspicions played on her finger that was hovering over the triggered. It was too easy. Death was not that hard to cheat with, she knew that better than anyone. Her eyes zeroed in on the shuttle door that was still closed. Her visor was reading heat signatures, separate from the fire. Just as she received the readings, the shuttle door broke away, one body limped and collapsed on the ground. A few seconds passed and a scream erupted from the body. Shepard held her breath, dropping her shot gun. She heard Garrus call after her but she ignored him, taking hold of Drew's foot, sliding him away from the fire. She dropped him before picking her shotgun back up, holding it to his face. She knelt as he writhed and wheezed on the floor of the forest. His face was blistered, blood ran down his head and neck. His green eyes finally looked up into hers, pleading with her.

She said her words slowly, lethally, "give me one reason I should let you live." The reply was just a series of coughs whimpers. She nudged the barrel of her gun to his cheek. "Answer me!" she growled at him. Her vision turned red, wanting to pull the trigger like every fiber in her body was telling her to do.

He struggled, beginning his sentences several times, "I-…. I c-can" he coughed again, she pressed her gun even farther into his face, "tell you…e-everything." She gingerly took her gun off him.

She took him by the collar of his armor, amazed at her own strength. She breathed down his face, "If you cross me, these eyes will be the last thing you'll see before you die" He simply just coughed, catching his breath. She shoved him away, back down to the ground. She looked over at Tali and Garrus and cocked her head at their prisoner. The two aliens grabbed Drew by the arms, dragging him back to the shuttle. Shepard coughed herself, knowing if she breathed in anymore smoke, she would surely pass out. Victus came over to her, wrapping an arm around her waist, hoisting her up from the ground.

"Thank you" She whispered.

"No, Shepard, thank you," He emphasized. She smiled to herself, only wishing she could remember the comradery she had with the turian primarch.

She let him tow her over to the shuttle, settling her into a seat. Tali and Garrus were tying Drew to a pillar on the shuttle. Garrus waved Tali off and tightened on the human's restraints. The prisoner began to tug a little, but the turian stopped him. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Move too much and you get a nice little electric shock." Drew just winced and glared at him. At this, Garrus quirked a smile. He proceeded to sit down next to Shepard, she averted her eyes from him.

"You okay?" he whispered to her.

"Yeah" she waved him off dismissively. With a dissatisfied grunt, he sat in silence.

When the kodiak arrived back at the Captiol, Turian guards dragged Drew off and Victus was suddenly surrounded by medics. Castis made his way over, slapping his friend on the shoulder in greeting. Solana emerged out of the crowd, immediately charging for her brother. "Are you guys okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, we're okay," Garrus said, still distracted by Shepard's behavior. She was silent the entire shuttle ride before he realized they still had the matter of her eavesdropping. Anger ran through his veins as well as guilt.

She obviously sensed the tension. "I'll uh meet you guys inside" Solana said silently, walking away.

They were both silent. "Can we talk"- Garrus began

"You should go get checked out by Chakwas" Shepard interrupted.

"I think we should talk"

"I think you should get back to the Normandy." He glowered at her, wanted to shake her shoulders, demanding what she wants him to do. She stared ahead, her eyes indifferent. "That's an order"

"You don't order me around, in case you forgot" Garrus snapped back at her.

She breathed in her through her nose and out through her mouth, "We'll talk after I interrogate Drew. I promise." Now she looked at him, her expression was not readable. "Please go have Chakwas give you a checkup" Her voice was sincere, her eyes softened at him.

He was silent for a moment, giving her the utmost intense stare, trying to understand what was going through her mind. "Yes, but we will talk"

"You have my word" she said simply. The turian stood there a few extra moments before retreating towards the ship.

* * *

Shepard pushed everything behind her. She couldn't break down, she couldn't be weak. She wouldn't be alone until long after questioning Drew. She knew the talk was coming and she didn't know what to do. She took a shaky breath, beating down her tears and all emotions that wanted to run rampant through her mind. She needed to talk to someone, at this point she didn't care who.

As if God himself heard her troubles, Liara was walking down from the Normandy's shuttle platform. The asari's eyes locked with Shepard's and widened. She turned from whatever she was doing and went straight to Shepard.

"Shepard are you-?"

"No, I'm not but I need your help" she nearly begged her, again trying to avoid any tears. Shepard quickly replayed everything that had happened, from the eavesdropping to the consideration of the unthinkable; leaving the only person she could possibly rely on behind, _again_. Heartbreak streaked across the asari's face. However, she kept silent, listening to Shepard's dilemma, nodding her to keep going. Shepard spoke quickly and quietly, knowing very well if she was any louder, her voice would crack and the floodgates would open. Shepard finished and Liara began to open her arms to her.

"Shepard, I'm so"-

"Please Liara, please don't. It's taking everything not to break. I need to stay calm to figure this out and I need to question Drew if we have any hope of finding Aria."

"Okay, first take a deep breath, okay?" She instructed. Shepard obeyed, closing her eyes, clearing the proverbial cluttered desktop of feelings, "okay, here's what I think you should do." Then the asari proceeded to explain her advice to Shepard; one of the hardest pills she would have to take.

* * *

Liara and Shepard approached the cell door. Two turian guards saluted Shepard. She acknowledged them with a salute back. Liara squeezed her arm, "are you sure you don't want me to go with you?" she asked.

"I'm sure, I know what to do. Just be ready in case things go bad" her friend nodded and stepped away from her. Shepard tipped her chin to the guards and they opened the door. She shuffled into the dark room. The door closed and locked behind her. Her eyes needed to adjust to darkness before she found him, slumped in a corner. His cold, empty laugh filled the room.

"Shepard, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Drew winced, he was cleaned off but still have significant burns to his face and body.

"Can it, you said me you'd tell me everything" She seethed.

"I did. But I'd like you to answer a few questions for me"

"No"

"Well, that's a shame, good luck finding her" Shepard huffed, annoyed. "I didn't say it would be easy"

"Fine, what do you want to know?"

She could hear the smile as he talked, "when was the last time we saw each other?"

"Is this a trick question?" She asked suspiciously.

"Depends on your answer."

Thinking nothing of it, Shepard spoke honestly, "We were 16, on Mindoir, and you locked me in your closet to protect me from the batarians. I thought you died"

There was a long silence. She shuffled her feet, waiting for his reply. Sky cars and makos buzzed in the outside world. Water dripped inside the cell. "It's funny," he said rather humorlessly, "you look like Shepard. You feel like Shepard," His green eyes bored into hers, "you smell like Shepard. Hell…you even talk like Shepard"

"What are you getting at?" She barked.

"The last time we saw each other was March 15th, 2183; one of your visits to the citadel right before the Eden Prime War," Shepard's eyebrows rose incredulously, "We just happened to run into each other. Of course, you threw a hug on me, surprised to see me alive and well. I told you of my escape from the batarians, jumping from system to system, keeping them off my tail. You told me of your mission to stop Saren and the Geth. You told me of your new ship and crew. Of course, you had that turian and quarian flanking you. Even then I don't think he liked me all that much," Drew smirked evilly at her. Shepard flinched, but he continued, "I wished you luck, you wished me the same and we parted ways," The room was filled with silence again, Shepard contemplating whether his information was worth blowing her cover about her memories. "So, you gonna be honest with me, Shepard? If that _is_ your real name," he was toying with her now.

She twitched, irritated at his arrogance. How she ever felt anything for that man is unbelievable. Then she remembered, she didn't. She had feelings for him before he was a man, when he was just a boy; pure and innocent. He was different from her memories. Faint scars were streaked across his face. His cheeks had grown more defined and less plump. He was leaner, had a stronger build than the lanky teenager she had known. "My memories are not what they used to be. I woke up in a hospital not even remembering who I was," she blurted everything out, it was the only way to get the information. She told him of her visions, dreams, lack of knowhow in the field. As he listened, a slow smile stretched across his face.

"Ah, so that's why you didn't recognize me. It all makes sense. Here, I thought I was going insane"

"Believe me, you're already there" she hissed.

"Well," he sighed in feign defeat, "I promised you answers, what do you want to know?"

"How do I know you'll tell me the truth?"

"Shepard, I'm a man of my word. I promise to tell you the truth. Hell, I owe you that much for not leaving me dead" _Trust me,_ Shepard thought to herself, _I wanted to_. His voice was antagonistic, just waiting for her to punch him in the face.

The former commander sucked in a deep breath, "What does Aria want?"

"Easy, Aria believes that the whole reason the galaxy was not prepared for the Reapers was because we are ruled by weak people, our lovely citadel council"

"But, she teamed up with Councilor Tevos and staged a coup in the Destiny Ascension"

"Yeah she told me that. Tevos was easily manipulated, in my opinion, because her and Aria had a previous friendship…." His eyes drifted to Shepard's, his brows quirking up, "or relationship…" Shepard rolled her eyes at him. He smiled and continued, "Of course, that is just my theory. Either way, Aria wanted to get rid of the council, ruling the Milky Way with an iron fist, like her style in Omega."

"Omega is full of crooks, criminals, exiles, and thieves. The entire galaxy is not like that"

"Exactly, the rest of the galaxy is full of wannabe weaklings who would rather bend the knee to evil than defend the good. Come on, Janey, keep up."

She rolled her eyes at him again "But that doesn't answer the reason why she had you kidnap the primarch" Shepard's voice trailed, spotting too many holes already.

"Hello? Earth to Shepard? Strongest military in the galaxy?" he sneered sarcastically, "Victus has power, power that Aria wants. Which by the way, makes me feel safer in this cell than facing her anger when she finds out how majorly I fucked up" though he did not sound afraid at all. "With Victus as a hostage, the turian hierarchy would surrender because honestly who else on this planet is fit to run things the way that old bird does?"

"Was she going to kidnap any other leaders?" Shepard continued, ignoring the jab at the Vakarian family.

"Nah. Her fleets can handle the rest especially because she has most mercenary gangs in the galaxy under her command. Humans, asari, even the krogan don't stand a chance"

"You're really underestimating the power of teamwork" Shepard warned.

"You're really underestimating the power of Aria" he countered, mocking her. Shepard bit her tongue to stop the cusses from falling out of her mouth.

"How did Aria recruit you?"

"Ah, I signed on to go after your turian sex toy, _Archangel_ " he snorted at the name. Shepard felt fury and heartbreak all the same but kept her face straight. "By the time I reached the boulevard, it was all over. Those mercenary gangs were in ashes and I was out of an opportunity to kill a bird," _You wish_ , Shepard thought venomously at him, "I admired Aria, she ruled the way she wanted and let no one else get in her way. I found my way back to Afterlife, saw some guy trying to mess with Aria. Claimed she owed him a debt of some kind. She laughed in his face and ushered him away. Before any of her guards could react, I already had him in a chokehold, disarming the gun he was about to pull on her. Her guards were shit, anyone could walk past them and shoot her if they pleased" his face contorted to a disgusted expression. "She was impressed with my stealth and fighting so she hired me onto her team. I became one of her sleeper agents. I went after her enemies on the inside of her operations; traitors, backstabbers. In return, I had a steady job with nice pay, even for Omega standards"

"You decided to work for her, just like that?" Suspicion rose in her voice again.

"Desperate times, Shepard. I was on the edge of starvation. A hungry man will do just about anything to get some food. Even things he may not be proud of," his eyes dimmed the tiniest bit. Before she could even feel remotely bad for him he whined, "Now, are you done? I have really packed schedule of sitting here and eating hard tack and gruel"

"One more question: where is Aria now?"

His smile didn't falter at this, "I have no idea"

"You're such a liar, tell me where she is!" Shepard had lost her patience with the man.

He laughed with her as if they were buddies, "I'm answering you with the purest honesty, I have no idea. She refuses to give me her location. She knew if I was going to be near you or taken custody by you- check, by the way- there was a chance her location could be compromised. So, she kept it a secret from me"

"What about her base of operations? Omega?" Shepard pushed, stepping closer to him.

"She doesn't have one, most her conniving is done on her stronghold ship and like I said, _I don't know_ where that is."

"What's its name?"

"SSV Berlin. Alliance frigate she found floating out in space after the war. She fixed it up and made it hers" Shepard nodded, satisfied with the first genuine sounding answer.

"Thank you…for your corporation"

"No problem, sweet cheeks, come back anytime you'd like" his husky voice purred. She didn't resist kicking him in the face that time. She heard a satisfying crunch followed back a groan. He held onto his nose which had begun profusely bleeding.

"Fucking one of those birds turned you into a sadist, huh?"

Then she was seeing red, letting her words leak with hatred and angst all the same, "Fucking one of those birds made me realize how much shit I shouldn't take"

Before he could retort, she banged on the door three times. It opened to the hallway with the two guards. "Are you hurt, Commander?" the one asked.

"No but he's bleeding all over your floor" she couldn't stop herself from smirking as she walked away.

* * *

"Are you really sure you want to do this?" Victus asked from his desk. Small murmurs were crowding the room but no one had heard their conversation, even Castis.

"Yes. I'm positive," Her gaze had wondered from the primarch, rather protruding the wall behind him, wanting the conversation behind them. Every part of her was fighting, to take back everything she asked of Victus but the righteousness in her chest beat down her emotional impulse.

"Look at me, Shepard" he ordered. Reluctantly, she brought her eyes to his. They were stern yet softened at contact. Shepard felt her own heart breaking inside her chest. She struggled to keep her face composed. "There's no going back after this, you know that" he said slowly, emphasizing each word with care and precision.

"I know, primarch," she squeezed her eyes shut and opened them, trying to grapple hold of her desires, "it's for the best" she said in her most even of voices.

He stared at her for a long time, but his expression transitioned into one of resolve. He sat back in his chair, nodding slowly, "Have him report to my office as soon as he can. Thank you again, Shepard"

"Anytime Victus," she turned to walk away.

"Please," he started off like he was going to beg her, she stiffened, "don't hesitate to call if you're in need of my assistance" he confirmed. She relaxed, grateful he wouldn't fight her. Why would he? It was a great opportunity for him. She felt her chest get hollow.

"Of course, Adrien" she even managed to smile, though it did not reach her eyes.

She walked away from the primarch, her feet practically running back to the Normandy. She just wanted the next few minutes over with. She knew well enough that it would feel like hours. She took several deep breaths, as she had reached the outside. The engine was already humming, ready to go. Then she saw Solana and Garrus just below the loading platform.

Their voices faded in quickly, "but you just got here!" she said, sounding hurt.

"I'll call you and Dad whatever chance I get, Sol, it's just…" Garrus' eyes averted to Shepard's. Solana turned around, her expression was distraught, at least from what she could read. They were all silent.

 _Here we go,_ Shepard thought glumly to herself, "Can I talk to you?" She asked Garrus. Solana was about to protest but Shepard held her hand up, "I'll give him right back" she said, her throat closing on the last word. Garrus' sister walked away, back towards the capitol.

"We don't have much time, Shepard, I have to talk to Solana" he started walking away.

"You'll have time" she said too softly, "the Normandy is leaving now"

"Exactly, I don't have time!" he continued his stride but Shepard grabbed onto his arm, a little too tightly. His frustrations showed on his face, rightfully so.

She kept her expression even, almost hopeful, "The Normandy is leaving…but without you" she nearly whispered the last part.

"What?" he demanded, anger coating his face, "What are you talking about?"

Shepard gripped onto his hand, tugging him to beside the Normandy, secluded, where no one would hear. As soon as they stopped, she released his fingers. She noted that was quite possibly the last time she would ever hold his hand. She sucked back the inevitable tears and instead began talking. "You're going to stay here on Palaven, help with rebuilding, spend time with your family" her words were quick and each syllable hurt coming out. _As much as Garrus didn't want to admit it, she knew Palaven needed him too._ Her newest memory flashed back to her which made things so much more difficult.

"No, we need to find Aria" he denied her right away.

"We will, I promise you that"

There was a long break between them. The realization setting in on Garrus' face, heartbreak now painting his expression. "Shepard, what's going on?"

"I admit, I eavesdropped on your conversation with your Dad and Solana" the turian didn't look shocked in the least. Then again, Shepard shouldn't be surprised he knew either. "You sounded really confused, more than I thought you were" she felt calmer, getting to the bottom of this. He was not calm though, he was visibly distraught at this point.

He began shaking his head, "Shepard you have to know," he gulped down a breath before continuing, "I care about you a lot"

"But you don't love me" she even smiled sadly.

"That's not…it's just that"- he struggled now to find words.

"It's okay, you don't have to explain yourself to me. We were fools to think this would just be easy, that we could just forget about what I don't remember. The very foundation of what made you love me and my loving you, is gone" she had begun a horrible game of tug of war but she had the iron gauntlets on; her resolve was unbreakable.

"We can still figure us out, Jane. We can, just tell me what to do" his subharmonics were full of pleading, begging. Shepard didn't budge.

Her next words were lies that burned like acid on her tongue, "I don't want to figure us out, Garrus." The heaviness of the conversation weighed down on them. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest. Her stomach tightened, almost as if she would puke. She had to win this game, not for the sake of her wellbeing but the sake of his. _Something has changed. I care about you. I want you._ Her brow twitched, wanting so badly to show him all the emotions she was hiding. "I'm just…sorry I let it go on this long," she coughed out a humorless chuckle.

"You can't do this. I'm the commander, you can't." he began trying to tug on the rope they were holding, trying to break her in any way he could.

"I already spoke with Hackett. Kaidan is now the interim commander and you are relieved of duty due to conflict of interest" she spoke mechanically. "I talked to Victus and he's already got a job lined up for you, you are to report to him once the Normandy leaves."

His drew ragged breaths, fury seething in his voice, hurt heavily in his undertones, "You can't just force me to stay here"

She shut her eyes, wishing it were that morning where she sat on his lap, just as happy as she had been. She felt little comforting in knowing he would move on. The Shepard he loved was dead, he would just have to mourn for her and someday he would find someone lucky enough to be loved by him. "You're right, I can't. I'm doing everything I can to make this transition easier," her stomach churned at her professionalism, as if she were talking to one of her crew and not the love of her entire existence. She felt her throat close as she quoted her memory "I know you're pretty bad at being a turian but listen to your commander, please. I'm going to order you to stay here and if you care for me in any way possible, you'll respect that" her voice broke on the word "care." _I can't have you worrying about me when your family and your people need you._

He flinched at her response, "Like _hell_ " he hissed, stepping towards her, "Shepard, I do love you"

"Don't lie to me, Garrus"

Now he began to fight her. He shouted, "I'm not, I-!" but she cut him off immediately, her mind rejecting the idea of hearing him say it.

"I said _don't lie to me,_ Garrus!" She screamed at him, her voice thundered off the Normandy and nearby vehicles. The turian flinched at her outburst. If he had said it one more time, she would break into believing it were true. No matter how much she wanted to believe that he believed it, she knew deep down he didn't. He fell silent now. "Sorry," she apologized, as if she had just spilled milk on the table, "I'm doing this for the benefit of both of us"

"That's the _biggest_ crock of _bullshit_ if I ever heard one, Shepard"

"I know you don't believe me, but you'll understand soon enough. Hell, you might even thank me. It's better this way" she had no emotion in her voice by the time she had reached that last sentence. She could no longer convincingly lie, she would just speak her script to the best of her ability. Now the turian twitched in anger, visibly shaking from his rage.

He grasped both of her shoulders, his blue eyes turning into fire, "You're trying to convince me you don't care about us? I'm not buying it" he whispered to her, his breath on her mouth. His mandibles twitched out, she knew she was winning.

 _Oh, Garrus, you have no idea how on the money you are with that one_ , she thought to herself. She smiled sadly again, "I'll always care about you, of course. I just hope you find someone someday who loves you like I used to" The last part burned on the way out. The thought of him with someone else hurt her to her core. She knew though, that if she didn't give him this chance to love freely, he would never forgive himself. He needs a push and she has two hands ready.

"No one will ever take that place, it's yours whether you like it or not"

"You're letting your grief do the talking."

"I'm not"

"You are but it's going to be alright"

"Stop _saying_ that, you're fucking leaving me!" Now he was the one screaming, shaking her shoulders. That sentence hit her like a couple of two ton bricks. She was leaving him and thinking about it didn't make it any better or any less true.

"But it will be okay, I promise" she said lamely. _Shepard's eyes were tracing the lines of his face, taking them in, wondering if she would ever see them again after this._

The floodgates were one flick away from opening, she knew she had to leave him behind. She couldn't stop her hands from shaking as he pried him off her. " _No_ " he nearly shrieked at her. His fingers went straight to her wrist, cutting off any kind of blood flow. Following on her instinct, her other hand slapped him across the face. Immediately releasing her, he stared, shocked and hurt, his hand hovering over where she struck him.

Her heart sunk deeper into her chest but didn't let it show. Instead she threw his words back at him. "You told me countless times that if I ever ordered you away, you would do it. You're making this really difficult"

"I didn't say it would be that simple" he growled at her.

"Nice to know your promises were lies too" she shot back. He didn't reply, his eyes hollow.

After a few more moments of stunned silence, she turned away from him. She heard his footsteps behind her. She stopped abruptly, cocking her head to the side, barely looking away from the Normandy's ramp to the shuttle bay. "Goodbye, Garrus" she murmured to him. _I'm so sorry_ , she cried internally. His footsteps ceased, allowing her to move back onto the Normandy. He finally kept the last of his word, he let her leave. _Garrus unlocked the door and Shepard stole one last look at him before opening it to Alliance soldiers._

She turned back as she reached the top, the wind ruffling her hair while the platform rose. Then she saw him, dropping to his knees, looking up at her. She couldn't stop the tears as they rolled down her cheeks, one by one, very aware he could see them. The platform closed and Shepard, herself, dropped to her knees, her head grazing the floor. She let out a heart piercing wail of pain. She shook uncontrollably, barely catching her own breath. The Normandy lurched up and out of Palaven's atmosphere, leaving the one person she cared most about behind. The pain of leaving only made her cry harder. Someone wrapped their arms around her as she mourned. She didn't look to see who it was nor did she care really. Her chest felt so tight and so empty, it could have collapsed. She hiccupped through her emotional breakdown and looked up at the risen platform. Eyes still watering, she realized she did it. _They forced her hands down and took her in cuffs, walking away from the person she had gotten to know the most._ She had done the most selfless thing she could have; breaking her own heart so Garrus could mend his.

 _A/N: Don't hate me- Kristin_


	17. Insomnia

Jane Chapter 17

 _[15:07:2187: Message status to_ _Shepard, Jane_ _: failure to send]:_

 _Listen, I know you don't want to hear from me but I'm really sorry. (03:45)_

 _[03:08:2187: Message status to_ _Shepard, Jane_ _: failure to send]:_

 _Please, Shepard, send me back something, I didn't mean for this to happen. (05:12)_

 _[27:08:2187: Message status to_ _Shepard, Jane_ _: failure to send]:_

 _I'll never stop trying to get in contact with you, you know this was a mistake. I know you do. Lets just vid call and talk about this (00:07)_

 _[03:09:2187: Message status to_ _Shepard, Jane_ _: failure to send]:_

 _I hate Palaven, of all the places you could, you leave me here. I'm not even being useful, Victus just keeps stacking paperwork on me. (03:55)_

 _[14:09:2187: Message status to_ _Shepard, Jane_ _: failure to send]:_

 _It's been two months, Jane. I don't beg, you know that. I miss you like hell. (01:56)_

He watched the message blinking red right back at him, knowing from when he had sat down at his desk, it was futile. She had either shut down her extranet address or blocked him but it never stopped his impulses to try and send something to her. It was late, he had been finishing up writing official reports for Victus. He worked day and night, never once his mind wondering. Not until he was back in his apartment he shared with Solana. She was already back in her room, calling it an early night when he returned close to midnight.

He underestimated Shepard. He believed she would think about it, realizing how wrong she had been. Two months never seemed long on the Normandy but on Palaven, it dragged like a lifetime. Sleep also eluded him, only ending up drafting emails to everyone on the Normandy, no one answering him back. The only reply he ever received was from Tali after asking how the Normandy had been treating her and how their search for Aria was going. Short and bittersweet, she replied to her friend

 _[20:07:2187: Message status from_ _Zorah, Tali_ _: Success]:_

 _"Normandy is the same as always, quiet. Can't talk about Aria, classified. Sorry, Garrus. Take care"- Tali Zorah Vas Normandy (22:45)_

He knew she wouldn't answer anymore of his questions at that point, cutting him off completely. Eventually he gave up messaging the Normandy crew. But he never gave up on Shepard, just waiting for her to break. If there was anything he knew about Shepard, it was that her resolve might as well have been made of steel.

His eyes grazed over to his sniper, collecting dust in the corner of his room. He sighed, missing the feeling of shooting things. He can't believe he was being the good turian for once, following her orders to stay. He knew damn well he should have caught the next shuttle out of Palaven and searched for that damned ship. _You told me countless times that if I ever ordered you away, you would do it,_ her voice echoedshut his eyes, banishing her from his mind. _You're making this really difficult_ , ever so stubborn, even in his memories. "So are you" he muttered, leaning back in his chair, rubbing his temples. He prepared for the long sleepless night he had played over and over again.

He awoke in the early morning, not getting his allotted 5-6 hours of sleep that average adult turians needed to function properly. He tossed and turned most of the night, walked around for an hour and half, before succumbing to exhaustion and sleeping for two hours. His mind never shut off, thinking of the Normandy and Shepard, brainstorming plans to leave Palaven then being shot down by yet another technicality.

Then he heard movement, Solana never got up this early. Did Victus call her in? Was she not sleeping well? He worried for his sister more than she knew because he also knew how hard she was working, mostly being in her room and asleep by the time he got back.

Then he heard a bowl breaking and a cuss; not Sol's voice. Garrus didn't hesitate to grab the pistol in his drawer and slowly open his door. It appeared no one was in the kitchen where the sound came from until he heard a frantic sweeping noise from behind the island. He stalked silently to where the sound was coming from, small curses reverbing around the counter. He looked over hesitantly and saw another turian cleaning up the mess, someone he did not recognize.

Immediately, he poked the barrel of his pistol to the back of the man's head. He slowly turned around, his hands going up in surrender.

"For someone breaking and entering, you seem awfully more concerned about breaking kitchen utensils than making a daring escape" Garrus muttered. His eyes scanned over the room and nothing _seemed_ to be missing, _what a bad cat burglar_ , he thought amused.

The stranger seemed to sigh, his brown eyes were innocent, "you must be Garrus"

While he was well known in the military, to the rest of Palaven, he was just another citizen, "how do you know my name?" he used his interrogation voice, refusing to bring the pistol down from the man's head.

"Well I-" he began

"Garrus, what are you doing?!" Solana's voice emerged from her room.

"Stand back, Sol" He warned her.

"Stop it, that's my fiancée!"

"Your what?!" he dropped his pistol and looked back at her in shock. She looked sheepishly at him. She walked over to the other male and hoisted him up from his kneeling position.

"What did you do?" She asked him, pointing to the mess on the floor.

"Trying to make you breakfast, broke one of your bowls, sorry" he muttered, his eyes completely avoiding the scrutiny of Garrus'. She shook her head, rolling her eyes. She looked back at her brother and tugged her fiancée. "Garrus, this is my fiancée, Marcelius Victus, Marcelius, you've heard of my brother, Garrus" she gestured between them.

"Victus?"

"I'm his oldest nephew" Marcelius clarified, grasping the man in a firm handshake.

He nodded slowly, trying to take it in. Meanwhile, Solana nudged him towards her bedroom, "go ahead, I'll take care of the mess."

"Are you sure?"

She glowered at him and he muttered about just trying to help before retreating into her room. She looked back at her still shocked brother, his mouth slightly agape. "The flies are gonna make a nice home in your mouth if you keep it hanging out like that" she was amused by all of this. She returned to where Marcelius had been, proceeding to pick up the pieces of the broken bowl. She said nothing while Garrus knelt beside her, assisting her.

"When were you going to tell me about this?" he growled at her.

She swept up a few big pieces into a dustpan, "Eventually"

"Sol"

"Okay, I was going to tell you the first day you came to Palaven but of course we were all distracted by the Primarch's disappearance, and then…well, you know" Solana tried to avoid the subject of Shepard leaving. When she had tried to console him that very night, he barked that he didn't need her sympathies, to just forget about it and don't bring it up. Garrus felt a twinge of guilt for the way he had treated his sister.

"Yeah, I know" he caught a few stray pieces that had gotten under the island.

"I didn't want to bring up my own happy love life when yours had…you know" she trailed off.

"Yeah," he sighed, "I know" She scooped the last of it and threw it out in the nearby garbage. "You still could have told me" he grumbled.

"I was trying to find a good time, but you always seem so distracted, I never got a chance to sit down with you and tell you" she leaned against the adjacent counter, her arms folded.

"…I'm sorry about that" looked down at the floor, shuffling.

"Don't be sorry. I should apologize that I didn't tell you" They were both silent for a long time. He also heard Solana shuffled her feet in place. "Garrus?" He reluctantly brought his eyes to hers. He wishes he hadn't because they were full of unwanted sympathy.

He decided to direct the conversation from going down a road that only led to pain, "how'd you guys meet?" he asked.

Solana took the bait, relaxing her posture, "during the evacuations on Palaven. Victus had assigned him to escort us away from the battlefields. He…saved me. Remember my broken leg?" she asked, Garrus flinched at the thought of his little sister limping through reaper infested territory. She continued, "it would have been a lot worse than that if Marcelius hadn't saved me" her voice was full of awe, yet she was humble.

"You fell in love with your hero" he mused, not angry to her surprise.

"Yes…" she trailed off, hesitated on the next few words, "and you fell in love with yours" she said nearly soundlessly.

He lifted his eyes to glare at her with the utmost hatred and sorrow. She only kept that ghastly look of sympathy on her features. "Sol… don't" he warned her.

"You never talk about it"

"Because I don't want to. She's gone" he growled. It was so frustrating talking to her, getting her to understand, as if she were a child trying to do a really hard math problem but the solution seemed so easy to her teacher.

"I'm worried about you" her voice was raw, trying to keep in emotion. He pushed himself off the counter, quite fed up with the conversation. She caught his wrist and spun him around, her eyes angry now. "It's been two months and you still have that same look you had on that first day."

"What do you want from me, Sol?"

"I want you to be happy"

"It's not that simple"

"Nothing with you ever is!" she yelped, "I miss my brother. Ever since you went the reapers invaded, you were different. You shut me out, the person you once confided everything in" he grimaced at her sudden outburst, he knew it had been coming. "You're gonna tell me everything"

"No!"

"Yes! You're going to sit here and tell me, then we're going to figure this out!"

"I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. It" he spelled it out for her.

"Too bad, sit your ass down," she pushed him down into the sofa. He growled, she put her hands on her hips, "Start from Menae, leave anything out and I'll smack you around like when we were kids" she was so matter of fact, he could taste the blood in his mouth from biting his tongue. She was stubborn and he hated her for it, "I'm waiting" she sang. He contemplated just leaving for work but he knew she would find him and pester him until he told her anyway. She was a real pain in the ass.

"Fine! Fedorian had just been killed…" he began telling his sister of his and Shepard's final chapter together.

* * *

Drew sat in his prison cell. The only food he'd been given was barely recognizable and hard to keep down; it was a piece of stale bread. _Damn birds_ , he thought to himself. His burns had blistered and left scars in the past couple months. He was always hoping Aria would make her grand entrance.

His and Aria's relationship was always strictly business at first. She had made it quite clear she didn't have use for his dead corpse if he had failed her. As years went on, she grew more and more trust in him, as he always aimed to please her. He became one of her most honored undercover operatives. His identity was a secret to all of Omega, her little lucky charm. This was the first time he had failed his mission because he allowed his confidence to overrun his actions. He let his guard down to Shepard and her little gang of freedom fighters.

He knew it was too easy getting his hands on that damned primarch. He had sent Aria the good news of his captive; she sent back a blasé reply, claiming she'll come for him and the primarch next time she was "in the area." Who knew when that would have been. Now when she would come to the small makeshift base and find it empty, she would leave, or have his head, or both.

He grimaced at the thought until he heard a rustling outside the door. His eyes perked up to see his cell open to two Krogan bodyguards. In between them stepped his boss and queen. Aria was not smiling as her eyes scanned over Drew's chains. She cocked her head at the Krogan and they proceeded to free him from his chains while also placing firm grips on his arms. They offered Drew to the asari, his heart beating wildly. Her fingers snatched out and grabbed him by the chin, "you want to explain what happened here? I was expecting a primarch in chains and I find you in his place," her voice was like velvet but had an unmistakable flavor of rage underneath.

"It was Shepard; she showed up and-" he began

"Shepard is alive?!" her voice shot up at the last word, grabbing his collar.

"Yeah, they took the primarch back and shot down my shuttle"

"I thought that base was nondetectable"

"Primarch sent her coordinates through his omnitool before we took it from him. That turian, Vakarian, shot out both my legs, and they knocked out the guards I had with me before escaping. Shepard interrogated me afterwards," she put his chin in a death grip, her eyes conveying fury, "I'm sorry, boss" his eyes dropped to the ground. She released him, huffing angrily.

"Did you tell her my location" she turned away from him.

"I told her one of your ship names, saying it was your base; the Berlin"

"But she has no knowledge of my base on Mindoir?" she asked

"Not a clue"

"Excellent. So, the Normandy is tracking the Berlin?"

"Yes, ma'am, I would never risk your life"

She turned back around hesitantly, her eyes softening a bit. She tipped her chin at the krogan and they let go of his arms. They exited the room, acting as guards to the door. She took him by the neck and thrust his head against the wall, he grunted in pain but she continued, "but you did, sweet boy" she growled in his ear. He could taste her breath against his mouth.

"She doesn't have her memories, Aria, she's weak"

Her eyes widened for a moment at the realization but then shook her head, "Yet she still managed to put you in a jail cell"

"I underestimated her, and it won't happen again"

"Correct because now, you're gonna help me find her and end her. If you fail me, then I will space you out the nearest airlock without as much as a backwards glance"

"Damn, I love when you try to threaten me" his voice dropping into a sultry undertone.

She smirked at this, "I love when you don't recognize my promises" then she brought her mouth to his, biting down hard on his bottom lip. He grunted, she had drawn blood. Their tongues twisted around each other. She then moved her hand from his neck, allowing her fingers twisted through his hair, grinding her hips with his in tandem. The room was filled with their desperate breaths. His hand went towards her ass and she allowed it, crushing him against the wall even more violently than before. He huffed out a laugh, she herself couldn't stop a smile from forming on her lips.

"Stupid human" she muttered in his ear.

"You fucking love it" his breath stifled when she had grinded with him.

A few ragged breaths later, "take me to Shepard" she muttered.

* * *

"No" Shepard growled at Chakwas. The older woman sighed, looking down at Shepard's empty pill bottle.

"There's only so much my prescriptions can do. They only handle the physical ailments. While the pills help you sleep, they can't stop the nightmares. Medicine can just barely keep up with stress" Shepard's eyes were on the floor, glowering. "Shepard," she looked back up at the doctor, "perhaps it would be best if…if you went back to Earth, saw a psychiatrist"

"I don't need a psychiatrist" Shepard hissed. She peeked up at the mirror on the wall adjacent to her. Her hair had grown longer again, to her shoulders but lost a lot of its volume. Bags were nestled under her eyes. Her skin was pale, shallow. She looked like hell. She watched her mouth move, how her own eyes did not react to what she was saying. "We need to find Aria" "I can't force you into therapy but I don't have anything on the ship that could help you with the nightmares"

"I'll figure it out, thanks, doc" she pushed herself off the cot and walked out before she could argue more.

Lack of sleep wouldn't stop her mission to find that asari. Aria could not rule the galaxy, it wasn't meant for one sole ruler. While she knew her and the council didn't have a great history, they were the best hope for any type of leadership. Even without a human and asari councilors, they would figure it out. For now, she needed to stop that asari from ruining everything Shepard had lived and died for, literally.

She saw Kaidan walking out of the elevator and to the starboard observation deck directly across from her. "Kaidan!" she called out. Her turned to her, datapad in hand. His chocolate eyes were tired, hair sticking up all over the place, he had pulled more than a few all-nighters tracking the SSV Berlin. Shepard felt a pang of guilt. Whenever she tried to help, he waved her off, telling her to get some more sleep. She approached him, "Any news?"

"No," he paused to let out a huge yawn, "but Hackett does want us back to the Citadel. They just reopened Zakara Ward with a huge memorial wall. He asked for us to speak about the war. They're throwing a reception afterwards"

"Is this really necessary?" Shepard asked impatiently.

"Not really but it's better than just floating out here, waiting for something to happen. Could be a good distraction for the crew. When's the last time we all had a little shore leave?" he shrugged his shoulders.

"Yeah and while we are showing weakness, Aria will attack somewhere else or kidnap someone or-…I don't know!" She shook her head, "Tell Hackett no"

"I can't, Shepard. We all need a little R&R, especially you" he whispered.

She narrowed her eyes at him, irritated. "I need to find Aria."

"Shepard," he kept his voice low, squeezing her shoulder, "you need to relax. I know it's been hard since"-

"I'm fine, Kaidan. God, I wish everyone would stop worrying about me so much. I died twice, for Christ sakes!" she threw his hands up in the air. Kaidan's tired eyes looked at her, not releasing her, instead just folding her into his arms. She didn't return the unexpected embrace but didn't break away either.

"I know we haven't been in the best place, but I am worried about you. I'm always here if you need me" he said into her hair. He squeezed her one more time before letting go. She nodded and he walked away.

She sighed, proceeding into the elevator. They couldn't afford to make stops, the Normandy needed to be ready for Aria whatever chance they got. R&R could wait until after the galaxy was saved. The elevator dinged, bringing her in the captain's cabin. It took her a few weeks to get back into that room after-. She sucked in a breath, pushing the day from her brain. She refused to think about it. There were more important things.

She walked past the desk, clean of all clutter, no pictures, no souvenirs, no models, no medals, nothing. Her laptop just sat there blinking as always because someone somewhere always needed something. She changed into a big t-shirt and underwear, her mind dreading the idea of going to bed. She laid on one side - _her side_ \- a thought echoed in her head. She let out a rough sigh. It wasn't her side; the bed was hers and hers only.

Amid her thoughts she had fallen asleep and fell into her usual nightmare, only revamped since she had started having her nightly terrors again. She was in the same hallway with the same stench of human remains, the moisture in the heat uncomfortably collapsing onto her skin like a sticky condensation. She still saw the corpses of her crew, always shuffling through them, finding them faceless. The last body she found was Liara's, one of her closest and dearest friends; the one who had hugged her sobbing carcass when they left Palaven. Even in her dream, she flinched at her own memory, one she had created all by herself.

Then she heard the sound only a reaper soldier could make. Her heart pounded in her chest, holding Liara's motionless body against her, protecting her from what was coming. It wasn't a banshee; no, she wishes it was. It was wearing his armor, blue smudged with darker blue; blood. It was cracked, revealing part of his rotting chest. Tears were running coldly down her cheeks as his face was nearly clear of his colony markings. The scarred side of his face was just an open gash, exposing bone, his one eye was nearly obliterated. It was the husk of someone she used to love, the person she left.

"Garrus, please" she begged the marauder in front of her. It answered with its non-organic voice, a synthetic computer spoke, and she didn't understand it all. It didn't hold her severed head like Liara used to. Instead, it knelt next to her, its soulless eyes drinking in hers. It still wore his visor and another tear fell down her cheek. His hand wound its way up the small of her back while the other nearly touched her left breast. Her heart was beating so wildly that when he tore open her chest and ripped it out, it was still beating in the palm of his hand. She looked down at her own heart in horror.

It grasped the back of her neck, bringing her ear to his mouth. The skin prickled at the predatory roughness of its fingers. "This is mine now" it said in his voice, the one thing she fought with every ounce of her being to forget. He brought his head back and there he was, Garrus, not a marauder. Still holding onto her neck, they both looked down at her beating heart. She clutched at her chest, waiting for death to come but she only watched as he crushed the organ with his white fisted hand.

Shepard shot up in bed, stunned. She knew what happened in that dream and she still woke up shocked like it was the first time. Though she did not sob because the first time, she had cried the rest of the night. That same recurring nightmare was the only time she ever thought of him and it was more tortuous each night. She laid back in bed, her eyes looking up at the stars the last three hours of the night cycle.

* * *

Her heart thumped quickly and excitedly. "You're serious? You're bluffing, right?" her young voice rang out.

"I am not bluffing"

"You're clowning, I'm sensing some clowns"

"No, they want you"

"What?! So…I'm going to the citadel!?" She was practically bouncing in her chair, her auburn hair just springing along with her, the curls sweeping across her back.

"Yes, and a couple of the other children to represent us" the older woman said, her smile gentle and soft.

"They want me to perform?! I'm just some orphaned kid from Massachusetts, why would they want me?" her green eyes sparkled with excitement.

"The event planners want someone young, unheard of, to be part of the set of artists who are already performing at the Zakara Ward Reception. This also gives us the opportunity to throw our orphanage out there, in hopes that maybe we could get a generous donation or perhaps someone will even be considering adopting the few we will bring with us," the head mistress commented, placing a balanced hand on the girl's leg, "including you, Sydney"

She rolled her eyes, "No one wants to adopt a 13-year-old. Besides, I can stay longer, I want the kids like Katrina and Ralphie to get adopted before I do!" She pushed ahead the other perspective children. Her heart broke slightly at the idea that her young friends would soon leave her to live their lives with their new families. She smiled despite this, only wanting happiness for her friends.

"That is kind of you. It was just a thought. But, we leave in 3 days' time. So, please, do not wait till the last second to pick out a few songs and practice them. I want you sounding your best" she took the girls cheeks, squeezing them.

Sydney groaned, pushing her hands off her, "I'll be fine Miss. Emily, I got this. I already know which song I want"

"Well then, we have no time to lose; get your bags packed"

She just squealed in her chair, throwing her arms around the woman. She seemed surprised but then hugged the teenager. She jumped off her and frolicked from the office. Miss. Emily smiled in her chair, hoping that for once, things would turn around for all of them.

* * *

Solana held two vials in her hand that she had snatched from her lab. What Garrus and the rest of Palaven didn't know was the other half of her job; research R&D for turian military infiltration units. In that lab, they all devised different ideas on how to successfully go undercover using different forms of bio technology. She grabbed the one thing she knew would at least get him started.

Garrus was useless on his home world, as much as Solana hated the thought of telling him they were leaving, they needed to find Shepard and Aria, hopefully in that order. She didn't know where the Normandy was but she knew where it was heading. She knew she shouldn't be involved like that in her brother's life but she couldn't stand the thought of that look on his face every single day.

He would be home any minute and she was still trying to find her own words, to tell him her plan. She just hopes she wasn't making a huge mistake. She would never risk Garrus' life when it came to that damned asari but if anyone could stop her, it was him. Her heart was beating unevenly when he walked into the apartment.

He stopped in his tracks, seeing her expression. "Sol?"

"We're going to the citadel" she said

"What? Why? We have work tomorrow" he was already shaking his head at her insanity.

"Do you want to find Shepard or not?" she used the bait she knew he would take.

 _A/N: Sorry this chapter was a tad shorted than I intended (400 words short of my goal) but that's what writer's block does to you. A lot of my ideas for the plot are better suited for the chapters ahead rather than this one. This chapter was more transitionary than anything plotwise. However, I was super excited to introduce one of my original characters to you guys, Sydney. I hope in future chapters, you will love her just as much as I do! Please Favorite/Follow/Review! I always love getting feedback! -Kristin_


	18. Naked

Jane Chapter 18

"I hate monkey suits," Shepard grumbled. Silk clung to her skin like a claustrophobe's worst nightmare. The straps of the black ensemble fell to her shoulders. The dress sleeked down her waist, puffing up just slightly to the tops of her knees. Red sparkles dotted the skirt of the garment and a blood red belt loosely hugged her hips. She strapped on some simple black stilettos to match, groaning.

She felt deft hands pull her shoulders back up when she had finished her shoes, "I believe you mean 'monkey dresses,'" Kasumi mused behind her. Shepard rolled her eyes at the thief, already wanting the night to be over. A few strands of her hair were tugged as they were swallowed by a hot curling iron. Makeup supplies cluttered her usually empty desk. A mirror faced towards the ceiling. She jerked her knee up and down, wanting to be out of her desk chair and back in her shower where she had inexplicably fallen asleep until her crew had found her. The Normandy was in the Citadel's orbit and the memorial service would begin in two hours. She wished she had fought Kaidan more but she knew it was futile. "You should at least try to have fun tonight"

"How? By tripping over my own two left feet?" she grumbled now. Kasumi released the curling iron and her hot hair fell against her cheek.

"Close" the thief ordered. Shepard shut her eyes and hairspray sprinkled over her face. Then there was a brush against her cheeks, liquid foundation be painted. She opened her eyes to Liara mechanically swept the tool to cake her former commander's face in makeup.

Now she turned her attention to her blue friend, "are you really qualified to do human makeup? Considering your skin tone…?" Shepard trailed off.

"I'll ignore the racist jab, thank you very much" she said curtly, grazing more foundation of her forehead. Shepard cracked a smirk. She met with her friend's frustrated eyes.

"I can't properly do this if you're going to move your mouth"

"I thought you would be happy I'm smiling" Shepard refuted, matter of fact.

Liara shook her head, now she grinned. "Shepard, please!" Liara nearly stamped her foot. She huffed out a chuckle at the flustered XO. The asari stood with her arms folded. Kasumi muttered something in Japanese, continuing her trek around Shepard's head. She complied, relaxing her mouth into a smooth line. "Thank you" Liara proceeded to switch to the concealer and dabbed underneath her friend's eyes, erasing the purple bruises underneath, "would it kill you to sleep more than three hours?" the asari whispered to herself. Shepard nearly flinched at the comment. _Yes_ , she thought glumly.

"Just please don't turn me into a clown-faced freak. Keep it natural?" Shepard whined.

"I know what I'm doing" she patted more powder foundation on her nose.

"You think we're throwing you right in the circus" Kasumi snorted.

"I might as well be"

Kasumi then pulled a little too tightly on the braid she was making in the woman's hair. Shepard grunted. She could have sworn the other human grinned in response. Another strand of hair crinkled into the curling iron. Liara had exhanged to bronzer and blended her cheeks. Shepard retrieved the data pad she had taken a break from reading. Her eyes scanned over her speech. _"Today, I stand before you, ready to fight the good fight. We will prevail, and return our galaxy to an even better state of greatness. The Reaper War is not something we forget, it is something we learned from. We learned that through the righteousness of team work, anything is possible. It was an honor to fight alongside all races of different shapes and sizes. While the losses are great, they were avenged and their memories will be honored."_ It wasn't meant for her. It was meant for her ghost. What's worse is her speech would be broadcasted through every available news source in the galaxy. How could she convince the population of the Milky Way that she was completely fine? She _wasn't_ fine. She was even less fine than she originally was. While Hackett had sympathized, he denied her request not to speak, _"the galaxy needs your voice. The morale is too low. They need to see their hero has risen from the ashes"_ he had said. Her eyebrows furrowed, _but I'm not their hero anymore_ she wanted to say. She knew though that it was no use no matter what she had said. She put down the data pad again, giving up, she would read off the speech when she was on stage. He never said she had to be convincing.

"You'll do great, Shep" Kasumi said, pulling on another braid.

"I'd lying through most of this"

"They're not lies, it did happen"

"But I don't remember any of it"

She was quiet for a few moments, spraying the aerosol into her locks, nearing the end of her hair job. "Just be yourself"

"Coming from the woman who constantly has a cloak in front of her face?" Shepard mused.

"I have to, I'm the best thief in the galaxy because nobody knows who I am" she replied, "You're Commander Shepard, too late to hide that now"

"Just Shepard"

"Just Shepard is pretty great too," Liara added, tracing eyeliner along the rim of her lid.

"And that is exactly who you'll be" Kasumi spoke with pride of her friend, clasping the last of Shepard's blonde locks in the iron. Liara glossed over her lips with a neutral pink color as a finishing touch. "Okay, one last round of hairspray" she released the iron and advanced to saturate Shepard's hair in the holding mist. Shepard coughed, Liara gave her a hard smack on the back. She thanked her, giving one last cough.

"Ready?" Kasumi said, grabbing the mirror.

"Nope" Shepard whined again.

She looked at herself in the mirror and the damage was not as bad as she thought. Her eyes were highlighted with the faintest shade of blue, her lips were a simple pink color, nothing was over the top, it all looked natural. Relieved, she looked at her hair which had been braided in a waterfall style, her locks falling into curls with each crease of the braid. She went to touch her curls and a hand smacked hers violently. "Don't touch my masterpiece!"

"Ow!" she hissed but retracted her fingers nevertheless.

There was a knock on the door, "How much longer ladies?! You know the check in is going to be massive!" James' voice thundered through the other side.

"You can come in, you know" Shepard called out

The lieutenant obliged, walking in a black suit. He stopped, then stopped to swoop his eyes over Shepard. She felt a light blush underneath her makeup. She wasn't sure if James had seen her like this before but he seemed to be very intrigued.

"How do I look?" Shepard asked.

He took her hand and planted a light kiss on it, grinning, "Hermosa." She didn't know that much Spanish but she knew that word and her blush grew. She was grateful to James for agreeing to be her date, just friends of course. It was comforting to know she would have someone stuck to her side for the night, to tug her along until they got back to the Normandy.

"Well, you clean up pretty nice too" she grinned back. He maintained his smile and kept her hand to his side. Then, she turned back to her two friends, "and thanks, guys"

"Let's go" Liara chimed.

With that, they all walked out of the cabin and down to the CIC. It appeared the whole crew was going; Jack, wearing a tank top, black tie, a skirt, and flats. Kaidan kept it classy with a burgundy jacket with slacks to match. Traynor dawned a lavender colored floor-length dress, her hair up in curls. Tali wore what looked like a formal armor, her torso was covered in a dark purple color while a skirt flowed from her belt but no doubt, her legs were covered underneath. Javik was in his usual armor and sneer, no doubt steaming in how _primitive_ this event was. Gabby and Ken both color coordinated, Gabby was in a green high-lo dress while Ken wore a black suit with green undertones. Then there was Joker at the very end of the line, wearing a white collared shirt, a dark blue tie, and jeans.

"You all look very striking tonight," they all uttered in agreement and returned gestures, "Let's show them how the Normandy crew is doing, shall we?" she smiled.

They all walked over to the airlock, Shepard taking a deep breath. James had folded Shepard's arm under his, his other hand patting her, "it'll be over before you know it, Shep" he said under his breath.

"I really hope so" she whispered back.

Then the airlock doors opened to Hackett dawned in his own dress blues, "Commander, good to see you in one piece" he even smiled at the end.

* * *

"Stop fidgeting" Solana hissed to her brother.

"I can't help it, I'm not used to this," Garrus muttered anxiously. Solana kicked at his ankle, making him stop abruptly.

They both stood in line to check into the Citadel after getting off their shuttle. Getting the shuttle off Palaven was easy for one of Victus' liaisons. A quick message to their father and they were off to the Citadel. They grabbed a private car reserved for officials, fake IDs in hand. Solana had explained to Garrus on the way of her work in biotechnology, avoiding all the information he wouldn't be able to comprehend anyway.

She had described the event they were heading to would be human for the most part so they needed to blend in. Garrus raised both his brow plates at her when she held up the vials. Solana leered at his expression and he sighed, "so this is how I end? Death by my sister's wacky experiments. It's creative, I'll give it that. I was definitely not expecting it"

She rolled her eyes and shoved the liquid at him, "will you just trust me already? I've done this before." Before he could come up with a snide rebuttal she had struck him with a needle in his neck. She slapped her hand to his mouth to muffle the inevitable yelling that would happen. She wrapped a shirt from her bag and replaced her hand with it over his mouth plates. "Bite this and don't scream" He squeezed his eyes shut and the transformation had begun. She retrieved a clean syringe from her bag and injected the serum into her neck. She grunted but didn't gag herself.

"Name?" Solana's revere had been interrupted by the guard at the other side of the scanners.

"Alexa Hunter," she said smoothly. The guard checked the name off the list, nodding her through. She passed through security no problem, nearly applauding herself for her hacking skills. The c-sec guard looked passed Solana at Garrus, he stiffened. "My brother, Max" she was so confident, acting human was second nature to her. The guard nodded, ushering Garrus through the scanners, no problems again. Still the guard eyed them suspiciously.

"Haven't seen you two around the office…" he looked down at his list again. Garrus didn't know this officer, somehow relieved he didn't either.

"We're special ops, no one really knows us. We did more work in the upper wards, in the financial district" Solana replied.

He nodded hesitantly, "please" ushering them through the doors.

They walked away from the guard, Garrus tripped over his own feet again, he cussed and his sister grasped his arm too tightly, "ow!" he complained again, "how do humans do this?! Every little thing hurts!"

"They're plushy, remember?" she mused.

As they walked down the hallway towards the service, a mirror wall opened and the two turians saw themselves for the first time. "What…have you…done to me?" her brother jumped at the sight of his human body, five fingers touching his face. His human face was defined, more masculine than boyish. He was a lot taller than she was; reaching six foot. Freckles faintly dotted his cheeks and nose. A pale scar stretched its way down his cheek, nothing compared to what his turian face had. His lips were firm, jaw angular and set. A dark blue suit jacket hung around his shoulders, along with matching pants. A silver tie hugged his neck, contrasting with his grey button down shirt underneath. His hair was up in brown spikes, his fingers moving to grip the ends "I'm hideous!" he moaned, "ow! Fuck my fringe!" he cussed at the pain of his hair being pulled. Even his voice was different, it was deeper, no Palaven twang intersecting his words, and of course no undertones.

Solana grinned, already aware of what her human face looked like; plump, baby-faced. She looked younger than what she was; half her head was shaved, while the other half grazed to the back of her neck. Her high cheekbones nearly touched her blue eyes, a button nose sat in the middle of her face as well. She dawned a simple black cocktail dress with silver pumps. By human standards, she was attractive and so was Garrus, despite his reservations.

The doors at the end of the hallway opened into the presidium. Half of the station was shut down, still going through reparations. It was a part of the presidium Garrus had never been to which was completely possible considering how big it was. Walls cut off different walkways forming a makeshift auditorium that opened to the station's manufactured skies. A giant black slab of concrete stood in front of the waters, just in behind the stage.

Guests were already taking their seats, Solana tugged her brother along, his heart beating wildly. She could feel his panicked pulse in the palm of her hand. They found their seats, smack down in the middle of the sea of c-sec officers, alliance officials, and other human representatives. Out of the corner of his eye, Garrus saw Commander Bailey walking up to the stage where C-Sec flanked both sides. _Good to see that old bastard survived_ , he thought.

He was nervous, this would be the first time he saw Shepard since she had left him on Palaven. She had no idea he was here and he didn't know how to feel about it. He tugged on his suit jacket with two fingers. He wasn't used to the human reaction that came with the nervousness, sweat crept on the back of his neck while his heart raced in his chest. He even felt his throat begin to close. While he was going through his own mental breakdown, Solana had reached over to smooth out his hand that had turned into a white knuckled fist.

"Breathe" she muttered.

He released a breath, not realizing he had been holding it.

The guards permitted Bailey to pass, walking up to the microphone. He touched the mic and cleared his throat, "if everyone could take their seats, we're going to get started," the crowd grew quiet, stragglers rushing to their spots, "it is my honor to introduce the panel of individuals we have here today, starting with C-Sec" and Bailey began to list off names, each person taking a seat in front of the memorial. Garrus knew each and every one of the humans. A handful of turians also took a seat, including executor Palin, his old boss. The older Vakarian sibling shifted in his seat and Solana held his knees in place, knowing what was coming.

"Now to move onto the Alliance, as this is Humanity's memorial. Each council race will have a memorial built following with the non-council races; first up is admiral Steven Hackett of the fifth fleet," he gestured at the older stern-looking human walking onto stage. He didn't smile, only waved as he took his seat in the front row. He proceeded to introduce Alliance's parliament, each taking seats behind Hackett. "Now, we have a couple members from the SSV Normandy joining us today," he paused looking at his datapad. Garrus' heart was in his throat when Bailey continued, "first up, Major Kaidan Alenko" his former rival walked up onto the stage, picking up his hand in a brief wave, sitting at the end of the chairs. He struggled to look for Shepard on the floor but didn't find her amongst the audience. "Flight lieutenant, Jeff Moreau," Joker limped onto the stage, sitting next to Kaidan, the major giving him a soft pat on the back. "Prothean Archeologist, Dr. Liara T'Soni," Liara glided across the stage, giving a modest smile, taking her place next to Joker. Liara then looked over to where she had just been anxiously. Then there was pause, one place sat between Hackett and Liara. His teeth clenched in the limitless silence. Bailey smiled softly down at the pad and looked to his left, "Last but never least, Humanity's own Commander Jane Shepard" the crowd then erupted into a bigger applause than any of the other panel members. Everyone had stood up before he could find Shepard. He looked over at Solana and she was amused but they stood up as well, slapping his hands together, clapping with the crowd. Shepard didn't know it, but she deserved all the clapping and celebrating in the entire universe.

Amongst the excitement she had walked onto stage and he felt his legs get weak, there she was, a humble smile on her lips. A black dress hugged her in all the right places, gracefully puffing out at her waistline. Her blonde hair was done up in a multitude of curls that could only be done by Kasumi's own hand. As she waved and turned to her seat, red sparkles could be seen within the skirt. She was magnificent, he was in so much awe he forgot that he had to sit. He didn't take his eyes off his former flame. Her eyes had dropped to the floor, Liara patted her forearm, and Shepard quirked the smallest of smiles. She appeared to take a deep breath before watching Bailey introduce Hackett once more to give a speech.

"Good evening, everyone" he paused and waited for a reciprocation from the audience. He even smiled as he began to read off his speech. He talked of the incredible teamwork of all th races, of how humanity has earned its place by opening their hearts to the other species of the galaxy. The war made them grow in military and maturity. He thanked everyone who made the crucible possible because without it the war would not have been won. He thanked C-Sec, all the different species militaries, and lastly the Normandy Crew.

A couple of the human c-sec officers spoke about their times in the battle of the Citadel, the friends they had lost in the war and the memories they all shared. Executor Palin even spoke for a bit, mentioning how much the war had changed his perspective on humanity, how they were the reason the entire galaxy was alive. Garrus never thought he would hear the man admit that, so stubborn in his ways. He was glad to see his former boss recusing his species old impressions the humans.

Kaidan spoke next, talking about the tight knit bond the crew had developed over the course of the war. Garrus grit his teeth when he praised himself on his loyalty to the Normandy over all the years, his loyalty to his _commander_. He smiled over at Shepard, she returned it but avoided eye contact. She knew damn well he was overselling his friendship to her.

Shepard was then called up to speak, she was clutching a data pad, gazing at the audience with nervous eyes. Garrus leaned forward, his fist in at his jaw, just watching her. "Hello," the mic produced feedback and she steadied, "whoa, sorry" she murmured sheepishly. "Uh, so I wanted to start off by thanking everyone in their efforts to war; especially my crew" she shot a grin at them, "Today, I stand before you, ready to fight the good fight. We will prevail, and return our galaxy to an even better state of greatness," her voice was weak, unconvincing. His teeth found his nails, "the Reaper War is not something we-…uh we forget…and ah, it is something we…" she trailed off. Her eyebrows scrunched together, looking down. "Excuse me" she whispered, handing the data pad to a confused Liara. She stepped back up to the podium and cleared her throat.

"Sorry, I just feel that I shouldn't be cutting corners" Hackett shot her a glare that she didn't see. "We didn't come out of this thing unscathed. We all have scars, both physically and…and mentally" she scanned over the audience, her eyes touching his before moving on, if only she knew. "The truth is…I don't remember anything before the ending of the war" the audience filled with gasps. She seemed to sigh and gave a weak smile. "For a long time, I was really lost. Imagine going to sleep one day and waking up in another body. Basically, that is what happened. So, for a while there was me" she gestured to herself, "and there was Commander Shepard" she gestured away from herself, "I was doing everything to become who I once was but the thing about memory loss is it doesn't let you fit back into your life perfectly, no matter how hard you try" her voice died on the last word. She was silent for a few moments, her face calculating. The audience waited patiently. He was nervous for her, she was laying all her cards on the table for everyone. "I started with being Jane" she smiled, "then I became Shepard. The name felt so right in itself that I stuck to that. I never dared called myself commander because that is earned through experience.

If I'm starting from the ground up, that goes with my military life as well," she looked back at the crew once more and they all smiled to her, "here's the thing: I didn't join the Normandy again to be its Commander. At first, I did it to hope in some recollection but…as time went on, I just knew it was my home. That's one of the first things I told Admiral Hackett when he asked if I wanted this," Hackett's face relaxed in the background, his old eyes analyzed the back of her head, "I may not think of myself as Commander Shepard but that doesn't diminish how much I want to keep you, all of you and the rest of the galaxy safe. My memory maybe lost, perhaps even permanently, but my spirit is unbreakable. There is nothing else I want more in my life than to serve you, the people," she motioned her hand over the audience. "Today, my name is Jane Robin Shepard, alliance navy. I want to honor every single one of these names on this memorial by aiding every living soul out there in whatever way I can. As long as I live, I will do whatever it is in my power to make sure they never died in vain" she finished, nodding to the spectators. The entire auditorium was silent, it was deafening. He could almost hear each heartbeat in the room. Then there was clap from Joker at the end of the line of chairs, standing up. Liara and Kaidan followed suit. The audience then slowly joined in the clapping, standing up for her, their own hero for humanity. Garrus shot up from his chair before Solana could stop him, pride for her, his love, his commander, his friend, everything she was. She began to beam, a real smile as it had reached her ocean blue eyes. "Thank you" she said. Hackett walked over to her and grasped her hand, smiling at her. Liara wrapped her arms around her neck, whispering something in her ear. Shepard nodded and grinned at her. Garrus grunted frustrated, he had left his visor with Solana and she refused to give it back, he would know what everyone had been saying. Joker wound his arm around her shoulder in an awkward one arm hug. Kaidan was the last, hesitant of what to do. Shepard gave him a soft smirk, giving him a light embrace too. Hackett ushered them off the stage.

Commander Bailey took Shepard's place on the podium, "if everyone could just remain seated for a few minutes, we're going to have our panel move onto the reception first followed by the congregation." Everyone was still clapping but slowly took their seats. Garrus spotted James at the bottom of the stairs, grasping Shepard's hand as she reached the bottom. He raised an eyebrow as he watched the lieutenant take her hand and wrap it around his arm; was Vega Shepard's date? He felt a small ache as he said something to her and she laughed softly. He patted her hand and tugged them out. I mean…Vega would be a more preferable choice than going back to Kaidan.

If she had really moved on, should he really be here? Should he even try to reconciliate everything they once had? The bottom line was that _she_ left _him_ on Palaven. He didn't forget the look on her face when she was lifted from the air by the Normandy; her walls had been broken down, pain was crystal clear in every inch of her features, tears flowing from her cheeks, she didn't want to leave…but she did. She never looked back.

* * *

Leo pressed on a virtual piano key, Sydney matched the tone. He went up a note, she matched it again. They repeated the process until they had reached the end of the scale. Then they proceeded to trail their way up another musical scale. The boy smiled, retracting his omni tool. Sydney smoothed out the wrinkles in her navy-blue dress, then tightened the silver silky bow behind her back. The orphans all stood in a line beside the other charity organizations that had shown up for the cause. They were all in the lobby that led to the reception hall. They were corralled in after stepping off their shuttle and through security. They had all watched the service through the big screened TVs in the large lobby.

"How did I sound?" the red-head asked anxiously.

"In tune, as always" he drawled with a lazy smile.

She punched the boy in the arm, "I'm serious!"

"Ow! Syd, you sound great. Quit worrying" He pressed. She looked at the pale skinned boy. He smiled at her, his teeth a perfect white. Leo was always the type to just say anything to make his best friend happy. While Sydney appreciated the positivity, she couldn't be naïve, her vocals needed work. She would be _performing_ for _Commander Shepard_ ; her biggest idol. While she knew the commander didn't sing, she represented the kind of strength that can only be found through hardships…like losing a family. Sydney winced as her father's face passed through her mind; the last time she had seen his crooked smile. She shook her head. She wanted to convey how much she appreciated her, knowing how much she inspired many of her songs.

Now her singing mattered more than ever after her speech. Sydney was even more in awe at her role model. She didn't even have her memory and she prevailed. The girl was determined that she _needed_ to sound perfect. Although she needed to tell her lead musician her thoughts, so she turned to Leo.

"I don't think we should do 'War Paint'" she murmured, making sure Miss. Emily did not hear her plan.

"What?!" Leo nearly shrieked. Sydney shushed him violently, but he continued, "do you know how many hours we practiced that damn tune?!"

"I know, I know but I think we should perform a different song, for the Commander"

"Now is not the time to be starstruck!"

"Please, Lee, just trust me" She grasped his hands and she shook them in hers, her green eyes pleading with his brown. His face grew hard for a few moments until it broke into annoyance.

"Fine! But we'd better not suck!" he hissed. She grabbed him into an excited hug.

" _Yes_! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she jumped. He sighed into her shoulder, returning the gesture.

She held on a little longer until, "uhhh…Syd?"

"Hmm?" she hummed and turned her head. There she was, walking towards her. Her heart beat wildly as Shepard greeted Miss. Emily. "Oh. My. God" she muttered. She pushed Leo out of the way, her jaw dropping. The commander shook hands with the older woman.

"It's an honor to meet you, Commander Shepard"

"Please, just Shepard. What are you all here for?" she asked with a soft smile. It appeared she was speaking with all the present organizations while they waited for the reception hall to open. Sydney was nearly bouncing up and down, praying she would look over and talk to her.

"We are the Hudson County Orphanage. We were invited by the alliance of course, in hopes to encourage adoptions or donations to our organization" the older woman explained as calmly as she could but even Miss. Emily couldn't hold in her excitement.

"That's wonderful, I'll be sure to donate at the end of the night and spread the word" Shepard was so kind, even with what she had been through. Sydney watched her in wonder, hoping the head mistress would introduce them. She eyeballed Emily but didn't seem to notice. Shepard did, however. Her eyes traced their way to Sydney's and her heart nearly stopped.

"Hi there," Shepard greeted her. The young girl's jaw was still held out. _Oh god, say something Syd!_

"C-commander-I mean Shepard! I mean ma'am! I mean-! Oh…lord" she smacked a hand to her face. Now the woman chuckled, it was deep and hearty. She had made her laugh.

"What's your name?" still smiling

"S-Sydney Rogers" She stuttered, grasping the Commander's firm handshake.

"Sydney," Shepard grinned. _Oh my, she knows my name,_ the young orphan thought in admiration. "How old are you?" she asked

"Thirteen….ma'am"

Then she was silent for a moment, "Wow," her face contorted into something Sydney didn't recognize, it looked almost depressed.

"Sydney will be one of our performers tonight in the reception. She's worked very hard on the song she is going to sing" Miss Emily added, winking at the teenager.

Shepard's eyes brightened back at the girl, finally releasing her fingers, "Really?" she just nodded in response, "I look forward to hearing it." Not a moment too soon, a tall muscular man walked up next to her.

"They're ready for us, Shep"

"Thanks, James" she barely turned her attention from the orphan, "I will see you on the stage," she murmured, retreating towards the door to the reception hall. Sydney waved her off, a giant grin on the girl's face. She then turned to her amused looking friend.

"I just talked to Commander Shepard" She said quietly.

"I know-" but he was grasped with both her hands on his shoulders, shaking him again.

" _I just talked to Commander Shepard!"_ the teenager shrieked in his ear.

"I know!" He replied again, not even hiding the beaming on his lips. She then proceeded to bounce all the way towards the large room.

 _A/N:_ Sydney is me if I ever met Shepard (aka Jennifer Hale). I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I promise Garrus and Solana will not be human forever but for the time being enjoy the awkwardness level being turned up to 100! Thank you for all the reviews/favorites/follows so far! Please share with your friends! Thanks again! -Kristin


	19. People Like Us

I like it- Enrique Iglesias (Feat. Pitbull)

People like us- Kelly Clarkson

Jane Chapter 19

"Two hundred-year aged rum, on the rocks," the bartender slid the drink over to Shepard.

"Eugene, this is too much," she said, bringing her nose to the rim to sniff the rich gold liquor. Her eyes rolled back into her head; it was heavenly.

"Not for you, Miss. Shepard. I've reserved that swill specifically for you and you only. Just relax and have a good time" the man waved her off, tending to another patron. The first performer of the night had begun his set of songs, bringing only an omnitool on the stage; a DJ. The reception hall was broken up into three parts that were woven into each other. There was the stage and dance floor which took up the center of the room with the bar hugged in the back of the dancefloor. Surrounding those two areas were the multitude of tables and chairs. While the Normandy crew began to mingle, Shepard had found the bar, happily ordering one of the many drinks she would have that night. She sipped the liquor and it tasted just as good as it smelled.

"Keep em coming" she sang.

The older man smiled, cleaning off a glass.

She nodded to a few officers that walked by her. A couple of her crew were already beginning to dance along to the rhythmic beats of the D.J. She took another swig of the whiskey, letting it warm its way down her throat. Liara was talking with Samantha an Kaidan. Jack had made herself at home on the dancefloor with Tali, a drink already in her hands with a straw poking out. Then there was James, making his way over to her.

"Shepard!" He was vibrating as he approached her.

She raised her glass to him, he responded with a grin and took the seat next to her. He signaled Eugene over, "Best cerveza you got, por favor." Eugene nodded and walked away. "So, this going to be your spot tonight?"

"You bet," Shepard beamed at him.

"How about a dance?"

"James…"

"Just one!"

"We talked about this"

"Why don't you do something wild and crazy for once?!" He burst his hands out in an explosion.

"I'm drinking two hundred-year-old rum!" the ice clinked happily inside the glass as she shoved it in his face, "if that isn't wild..." she trailed off, taking another swig.

"Amor, I'm glad you were able to come out tonight but you need to do something you wouldn't normally do!"

"You finally getting in bed with me, James?" She purred, not missing a beat. The lieutenant smirked, shaking his head. She shrugged. The last of the rum tipped into her mouth. The musicians had switched out. There looked to be a DJ now and another singer and Latin beat began pumping through the room.

"oh yyyyessss!" bellowed her friend. Shepard was already shaking her head, ready to order another drink when he grabbed her wrist, dragging her to the dancefloor. _No, No, No, No, NO_ her voice echoed through her mind, but the thought didn't belong to her. A figment of a memory passed through, turian hands replaced James' on her wrist. She shook the memory away while her friend whisked her to the dance floor, cascading her into a clumsy twirl.

He began lipsyncing to the song quite overdramatically. She rolled her eyes and bopped her shoulders. It wasn't enough for James as he grabbed her hands, intertwining their fingers. He pulled her close, swinging her side to side. She stumbled along with him, cursing gravity for how much she was tripping.

"You're going to pay for this" she hissed.

He hollered a thunderous laugh in her ear, "promises, promises, Shepard!"

She scrunched her eyebrows, the conversation seeming way too familiar. She shook off the nostalgia and tried several times to escape.

* * *

Miss. Emily, along with the small group of children, had left Sydney, Leo and a couple of the young backup singers. The girls whispered in excited tones. Sydney, however kept looking down at the line of musicians, knowing she would be up soon. She tried tapping her foot to avoid thinking of anything else. Something caught her vision, as a handsome older man and smaller woman were passing her.

"Now stay here while I figure out where our seats are" the woman muttered, leaving him.

The man looked just as nervous as Sydney and he wasn't even performing. He ran a couple fingers through his dark hair, squeezing his blue eyes shut. He didn't look like c-sec, but then again Sydney didn't know what c-sec usually looked like. He looked to be muttering to himself too. Maybe there was something mentally wrong with him? She frowned, contemplating whether to see if he was alright.

 _"We are all misfits living in a world on fire_ " the young girls sang, practicing the new song Sydney had suggested. It was a song the group had already been working on but it was nowhere near ready to be performed in front of an audience. In her heart, she felt it was the right song. The man glanced over quickly and then back to the ground.

 _Oh, what the hell_ ¸ Sydney shrugged and loped over to him. "Hey, you okay, mister?" She tugged on his sleeve and he flinched violently away from her. He stared at her for a moment, his eyes studying her up and down, as if he'd never seen a child before. She raised a brow at him. He smoothed out his shirt, shoulders ridged.

"Yeah…I'm fine" his voice was deep and she never imagined it coming out of his mouth.

"You seem awfully nervous" she implied.

"I'm not, it's just-…..is it that obvious?" he asked sheepishly.

She giggled, grinning at him. He seemed to relax now, "Well, I'm having a bit of stage freight. I can tell when people are just as nervous as me"

He was silent, looking from her to the group of teenagers behind them. Something clicked in his head when his eyes sought hers. "You're performing? How old are you?" he was suspicious.

"You're not performing? How young are you?" she mocked him. He winced from her answer. She waited for him to scold her being the adult he was. But he did not, only perplexed by her, almost alien. He had spoken to her as if they were on the same level of maturity. She had never seen an adult act that way before.

"Sorry, I didn't mean…" he trailed off, his fingers scratching his neck.

"I'm just joking with you, sir," she struck out her small hand, "I'm Sydney. I'm singing for my orphanage tonight"

He hesitated before grasping her palm in his, shaking it once. She didn't let go, tilting her head to the side. She was prompting him for his name, he shook his head slightly at the realization, "oh, my name is Garrus-" he stopped abruptly, his eyes getting wide. Confusion crossed Sydney's features. His eyebrows furrowed before looking back at the young girl.

She coughed out a laugh, "nice to meet you, Garrus" letting go of his hand. "So are you always this anxious going to parties?"

Now he laughed, it was sweet and homey. She found herself smiling at the strange man, "not really, no…there's someone here." He shrugged.

Sydney already knew what it was about. "So, what's her name?" she sang

"I was that obvious again?" he sounded more frustrated with himself.

"I'm observant…and a girl. I know a thing or two about love" she boasted.

"How old are you again?" he asked.

"You're avoiding the subject"

"So are you"

"I'm thirteen, now what's her name" she pushed. He huffed. His blue eyes bounced between her and the rest of the room. She knew she was coming off as nosy but he was coming off as an anxious wreck. _He started it_ , she grumbled inside her mind. He shuffled uncomfortably and she felt bad for even bothering. She was only trying to find a distraction from her own anxiety, "you don't have to tell me" she muttered.

"it's, ah, complicated" Garrus sighed. Sydney was silent, waiting patiently for him to continue, her inner interest in this stranger's life peaking. The man clicked his feet together, finding words. "She's my…ex-girlfriend" he said in a raw voice. His eyes were hurt. She felt her heart ache.

"And you want her back" she stated confidently. The hurt transformed into hope, he nodded. "So, go get her"

"It's not that simple….she doesn't know I'm here" the man murmured.

"So, tell her"

"You make it sound so easy"

"I believe you're overcomplicating things"

"You don't know the story, kid" He hissed at her. To any other child, he was awfully scary looking when he was angry. She just cocked her head to the side while he calmed himself. "She doesn't want me back, she left"

"Doesn't mean she wouldn't you back. You seem like a nice fellow" Sydney said sincerely, no look of foul play on her features. He smiled crookedly, almost like her Dad. She felt sadness in her chest.

"What do you think I should do?"

"I think you should be honest with her. Tell her how you feel" it was obvious to Sydney. While she had not been in many relationships, she knew enough from TV and the extranet what should be done. Honesty is universal, while it may hurt, it was always important to be truthful with the people you love or care about.

"just like that?"

"Even if she doesn't want you back, you can say you tried. That just means that there's someone else out there for you" he looked at her doubtfully. He was blinded by his feelings, trapped in a corner where she may be the only one for him. Sydney did hope it would work out for Garrus and his mystery woman.

"Hey, they're ready for us" the woman from before showed back up, grasping his wrist.

His eyes didn't waver from Sydney's. She smiled encouragingly. "Thank you" he expressed. His expression was filled with anticipation. The orphan waved him off, wishing the situation would turn in his favor. The line of musicians had moved and the stage fright settled back into the girl's stomach.

* * *

After the first chorus ended, Shepard thanked James for the dance, trying to get back to her safe haven at the bar. Just as she reached the edge of the dance floor, she felt multiple hands pull her back.

"Awww" a coo escaped her lips

"Oh no you don't'

"Get back out there"

"Come on,"

Tali, Liara and Jack's voices overruled her cry for solidarity. She grumbled as they pushed her back to her date. He was still lip synching to her, swaying her into another twirl. James kept trying to get her to dance but her arms slid back magnetically to her shoulders. He sung to her while he tugged on her. He was making it really hard to be annoyed. She quirked the tiniest smile; he grinned, knowing he was winning.

She sighed and gave an uncoordinated sweeping of her hips. The dancing earned chuckles from her friends on the floor. The song gave away to the second chorus, the beat dropped and everyone was jumping. Shepard attempted but was very aware of her thin stilettos hitting the floor below her. James howled at her to keep going. She felt a beaming in her lips while she raised her hands above her head, rocking them just below the beat of the song. Even the D.J and singer were hooting for the commander.

At one point, she felt a pair of hands on her hips. James had begun grinding her from behind, helping her dance to the heartbeat of the music. She was a little thrown off by the sudden closeness, but did not stop him. She was enjoying him holding her that way and it shocked her. She felt guilt, they were pushing the friendship boundaries but her body wanted it. It had been so long since she had released any tension. Through all the toying and flirting with each other, would James really accept Shepard in a physical relationship. He twirled her around to him. He was already sweating, his eyes burning into hers. The intensity was getting her off but her conscience was screaming at her in the back of her mind. He began to back her towards a secluded part of the room and she let him. Near a dark corner, he trapped her in his arms, still dancing.

Her fingers wound their way around his neck and his didn't stop her. In fact, he crushed his hips harder into hers, his hands moved to grip her ass and it felt amazing. _I shouldn't_ , she thought weakly, _We shouldn't_. She was not ceasing her desires while she moved herself closer to him. His eyes fluttered closed and leaned into her. She closed the space between their mouths. Shepard kissed him hard, crushing her body him. His chest and stomach were rock hard. She was just aware of his abs grazing her. _Too soft,_ a small voice said in her head. She promptly told the voice to can it but she couldn't help noticing it was right. She pressed herself to him even more, slithering her tongue to greet his. He obliged her. He tasted like sweat and was still too _soft_. Then on, her mind paddled off all the things it was not loving about their kiss. She wished it would just shut up and let her forget but not this time.

As if right on que, James slid his leg between hers and followed on the instinct to hump it. Pleasure was found in her groin and wetness was seeping through her thin underwear. A groan escaped her throat while he trailed his tongue down her neck, gently biting down on her pulse. Then she heard a voice that didn't belong to James; _I am_ yours _, you are_ mine. Her heart ached and she pushed the male harder into her neck, hoping pain would at least help her forget. He sucked on her heartbeat but his voice rang again, _you need to know though, that what I feel for you is something you'll always have, Shepard._ She whimpered and he released his hold on her, thinking it was too painful. _Garrus_ ¸ her mind cried out. He stopped biting her but trailed his lips down her cleavage; it felt so nice but her mind wouldn't shut off. She was fighting everything not to break down, to run away and lock herself in the shower again. She was supposed to be over it and here she was, trying to not think about something that is so ingrained in her mind. Suddenly, James loosened his grip on Shepard. They breathed heavily against each other, catching their breath.

His eyes gazed into hers sheepishly and she had no idea what her expression looked like. It was enough to make him smirk weakly, "what are we doing, Shep?"

This earned a chuckle from the former commander, shaking her head. She bit down on her lip and stared at him, "I don't know…" she trailed.

He sighed, caressing a hand to her face, it felt wrong. Still, comfort was felt in the gesture. She played with his fingers and he smiled. "I mean, if you wanted to, Jane, we could…"

"No, you're right, James. It just…" she tried to find nicer words to let him down.

"Didn't feel right" he finished it for her. She was relieved to hear him say it.

"It wasn't just me?"

"I mean it was hot, don't get me wrong, Lola," he winked at her, "but everything inside me was screaming to stop"

She nodded, "I felt the exact same way. I'm sorry" she apologized, embarrassed at herself.

"Wanna just get back to the bar?"

"Sounds good to me" He smiled politely at her, grasping her hand. The couple walked over to where Shepard had been sitting, a new glass of rum on the rocks waiting for her. Eugene nodded to her a greeting. She sat back on the stool. James didn't waste time, grabbing his beer, and shuffling away. Shepard didn't ask where he was going and frankly didn't want to know. She wanted to push the last few minutes as far behind her as possible. The rum quickly disappeared from her glass.

"Hit me, Eugene!" Shepard hollered. Not a moment later, another drink was thrust at her on the table. A cozy feeling was settling in her stomach. A few more drinks of that fantastic rum would do the trick. Shepard leaned forward, feeling wetness on her lips. Promptly, she grabbed a nearby napkin and began slathering it all over her mouth, not caring for the remaining lipstick. She grabbed few shrimprolls off one of the waiters who had been walking around as well. She was hoping the night would not resort to drinking and eating her problems but she was running out of options. She wasn't aware how crowded the bar was getting until a shoulder was brushing hers. Shepard lifted head to say something but a pair of blue eyes were already staring into hers.

"Commander Shepard?" the man asked. _Garrus Vakarian, I was the officer in charge of the c-sec investigation in Saren._ A new memory peeled away at her vision. It was him, unscarred, young, in a c-sec uniform. It was so raw, she nearly recoiled at the thought. She had thought of him twice that night, twice more than usual.

"Just Shepard" she struck her hand out to the stranger. She was feeling rather irritated; didn't this guy listen to her speech? She didn't want to be called commander. In fact, she loathed it. She didn't deserve it. The man grasped her fingers, a firm handshake.

"Max Hunter" he greeted her.

"What can I get for you, sir?" Eugene had refilled Shepard on her drink just in time. She shot a smile at the bartender.

"Richest brandy you got, up please" the officer said smoothly. His voice was like a dark honey. Something about it sparked her interest but no familiarity.

She drew her eyes back to her drink, "what do you do here, Mr. Hunter?" she mumbled, not really caring. She knew she needed to make nice with the strangers but it didn't stop her attitude from making an appearance as he was interrupting her pity party.

"I'm an officer, you can just call me Max" her glare had shot up at him. Was this man mocking her? "I do more financial work around here."

"Financial work?" Shepard asked dubiously

"White collar crime"

"Well then you must have seen it all" she drawled sarcastically.

"Having a bad day?" Max didn't miss a beat. She opened her mouth to say something but was caught by his expression. The officer was unfamiliar to her, in face and name. Her heart was beating nervously inside her chest, it had been a long night. Now she was making herself look like an ass in front of this attractive man. _Attractive_? She thought to herself, _He's downright gorgeous_. He gave her a half smirk, but it didn't reach his eyes. He looked at her as if he was trying to figure her out. Her cheeks warmed at her self-consciousness. Eugene slid a glass over to the officer. He caught it with three fingers, not breaking his stare on her.

"you…could say that" the words stumbled out of her mouth, as he brought the glass to his lips. She watched his jaw dip back, it was very well defined. His hair was nearly identical to Kaidan's but a light brunette color and messier. She wanted to run her fingers on both. There were only a few drinks in her system, she needed to pull herself together.

Then he laughed softly, "fight with your boyfriend?" he forwardly asked.

Shepard scratched her forearms uncomfortably, "I don't have one" she said quietly.

"So, the guy you were just sucking face with…?" his voice was playful but sounded almost offended. They had been in a dark corner, no one would have saw them unless they were purposely looking. She narrowed her eyes at him.

"None of your damned business" she growled.

He maintained that same smirk, a faint scar tugged on his full lips. She wanted to punch him in the face. Nevertheless, he took a sip of his liquor. "Didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Shepard. I believe you're subtler than that" he was acting like they were friends.

"Do I know you?" she rasped out.

He chuckled again and her knuckle twitched. "You do" is all he said.

"Something tells me you're gonna make a game out of this."

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you" he mused. She cocked a brow at him. Something felt wrong, very wrong. Her fingers ached for the pistol strapped to her thigh.

"Were we enemies?" she asked carefully.

He sputtered, "God, no" he flinched. She had scratched the surface and now she was the one to smirk.

"Neighbors?"

"No"

"Acquaintances?"

"Somewhat"

She growled to herself. Why was this man so difficult? What was his deal? He was acting almost like Garrus. She shook her head, impossible. _You wouldn't believe me if I told_ _you_. The thought was said in Garrus' voice which had a hauntingly similar ring to Max's.

"I've been told a lot of things I shouldn't believe" she whispered to herself. Her eyes looked up to him and he looked apprehensively at her. She had struck something. _It's not possible_ , she thought. Garrus was on Palaven, he had no reason to follow Shepard especially after she blocked all contact with him. How would he even know where she was? Also, how on earth would be human? It must have just been someone he worked with, someone he knew.

Before she could think about it anymore, the last band had exited and the orphan named Sydney was walking on stage. The redhead caught Shepard's eye and she tore her gaze from the mystery man next to her. A couple younger girls followed behind her and a boy about her age. What looked to be the backup singers filed onto the side of the stage. Sydney grasped the microphone, looking nervous.

"Hi, everyone, my name is Sydney" she echoed anxiously, "I'm going to sing a different song for you tonight if that's alright. It's dedicated to Commander Shepard" she gestured right to Shepard. The whole crowd looked back at her, she smiled politely, not quite wanting the attention. Sydney tipped her chin at the boy next to her. He pulled out an omni-tool and what sounded like a pop build up began playing.

 _We come into this world unknown_

 _But know that we are not alone_

 _They try and knock us down_

 _But change is coming, it's our time now_

" _Hey_ ¸Commander!" she sang to her, reaching her hand out, " _everybody loses it, everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes_ " She swayed her hips gently with each note. Her voice was raw and sweet, almost hypnotic. Shepard herself was in awe that such a small person could have a big enough heart to change a song she practiced so hard for to sing another just for someone she looked up to. " _and hey, yeah, I know what you're going through. Don't let it get the best of you, we'll make it out alive_ " Shepard looked over to Max and his jaw was dropped watching the young girl.

As she sang, Shepard leaned over to the officer, "You know her?" she asked.

"No, I just met her outside, good kid" the first honest thing he seemed to have told her the entire day.

" _Great_ kid" she corrected. Now he gave her a full smile that reached his eyes. Then she began waving to the right side of the room to a small table. It was holding the same children that had been standing with her when Shepard met the orphanage. She rolled her hand over and over frantically, beckoning them. The kids seemed to hesitate, looking to each other. One smaller girl, no older than five, was the first to jump off her chair grinning. The others followed suit, running to the front of the stage. Sydney was beaming as the chorus came up.

 _Oh woah oh oh woah oh_

 _We are all misfits living in a world on fire_

 _Oh woah oh oh woah oh_

 _Sing it for the people like us, the people like us_

Sydney had begun jumping up and down confidently with the beat. The stage seemed to be her place of comfort and confidence. She had seemed so shy and nervous but perhaps it was because she had been starstruck. Her demeanor took a complete 180 once she had started singing. The orphans jumped with her, and more of the reception guests had joined in, dancing along. Shepard almost wanted to get up too but she knew she had enough dancing for the night.

 _Hey, this is not a funeral_

 _It's a revolution, after all your tears have turned to rage_

Green eyes connected with blue across a sea of dancers. Nothing else in the room seemed to exist besides Shepard and that brave young girl. Sydney sang, averting her eyes to the children on the floor, once again beckoning them to come. A couple security officers tried stopped as the kids one by one stepped up onto the stage with their friend. Shepard had not realized she started grinning until the chorus came on again. Sydney had turned and began singing to each and every child that had jumped up. The last she knelt down to, the first little girl to stand up, and serenaded her. The little one lit up and danced harder. The former commander felt her heart swell. These kids had nothing yet Sydney was giving them everything. The orphan turned her attention back to Shepard, serenading her now from across the room.

 _They can't do nothing to you, they can't do nothing to me_ _  
_ _This is the life that we choose, this is the life that we bleed_ _  
_ _So throw your fists in the air, come out, come out if you dare_ _  
_ _Tonight we're gonna change forever_

Before she knew it, she had hopped off the bar stool, slowly walking up to the stage. Party patrons made way for her. The redhead didn't stop singing, only her demeanor impatiently getting more excited. Shepard held out her hand and took the smaller hand of the orphan's in hers. Once again, she sang the chorus into a soft bridge. Then, she felt a tug, to come up on stage with the rest of the children. The group began squealing at her, egging her on. A grin tugged on her lips, allowing herself on the stage with the other kids. They all jumped excitedly and Shepard couldn't help but dance with them. Shepard knew she wasn't much of a dancer, hell she was the joke of the entire crew.

These kids deserved to have some fun, after everything they had endured. Being orphaned in a war is traumatic, especially when there weren't many eligible parents out in the galaxy. Everyone had lost something and could not take on the burden of a child. To know there were children like Sydney out there, becoming an icon for their juniors, gave Shepard a hell of a lot of hope for the galaxy and its future adults. She shook hands with the children and she danced with them, hugging the youngest girl on the end, the one Sydney was clearly fond of. She pulled back to see the little one had tears in her eyes, happy tears.

The former commander was once again hand in hand with the singer, as she caroled the last bit of her song, ending on a strong note. Everyone clapped, including Shepard who gestured to the orphan. Sydney grinned and took a bow, her red hair cascading over her head. Once she finished her bow, Shepard grasped her in a tight hug. Sydney was exactly what she needed to feel hopeful again, that things would be better. No matter what situation she was in, there was always a silver lining.

"Thank you" Shepard whispered in her ear. Her small body shook against Shepard's. Sydney pulled back, her emerald eyes in a misty daze. She touched the young girl's face gingerly, hoping one day there would be someone lucky enough to call her their daughter. There was a hollow feeling inside; as if she should be in that role. But of course, there was too much to be done to keep the galaxy safe. No, Sydney deserved a real mother, someone who would never leave her. The two separated, Sydney stealing one last glance at her hero before exiting the stage.

* * *

 **A/N: I felt this was a good place to stop in this chapter. I have more but it needs tweaking and I did not feel great about publishing it so I will work on it! Please review/favorite/follow! I love getting the feedback! -Kristin**


	20. Maximum Effort

Song: "I Don't Wanna Break" – Christina Perri

Jane Chapter 20

Shepard returned to her seat, filled with an emotion that couldn't be placed inside just one word. The person who had walked into that ballroom was eradicated. Who knew a girl she had just met that day would remind her that she was only human and being herself is the best thing she could do. All the worries that laid upon her shoulders were lifted for the moment and for the first time in months, she felt like she could just breathe.

Eugene began to offer her another drink and she declined, asking for a water. The bartender surprised her with a smile and slid over a glass of water. Max Hunter maintained a silence next to her. She stole a glance at the mysterious officer. His eyes weren't drawn to her glance, not paying attention to her. Had he noticed she even sat down? His brows were furrowed, thinking deeply at the brandy. She felt guilty for how she had snapped at him, even if he deserved it for poking around her. There was something else though, her mind refusing to shake the feeling that she knew who he was. He had confirmed her previous knowledge of him but only frustratingly snarky comments followed. It was infuriating.

She thought of herself in Max's place, if he were Garrus. If she had somehow become turian, would she tell him her identity outright if their roles had been reversed? If Garrus had left her on Earth instead? She would have a million and one reasons to remain apprehensive. This made her hurt inside; if that was Garrus, why was he here? To take her back? She flinched as her heart had done an unexpected flip in her chest. Shepard knew deep down that she would always want him. She did this because she loved him and she didn't understand how on Earth she would explain it to him,

His eyes caught hers and she turned away embarrassed, cheeks flaring. While her imagination had run rampant, she failed to recognize what an obtuse assertion she was making and this man could just be an old colleague trying to play guessing games with her. Silly as she felt, she nodded to him and turned away.

"Shepard" his voice sent warm shivers up her arms. She turned back to him a little too eagerly. He wasn't smiling but his expression caught her off guard. It was awe-filled; as if he worshipped the ground she was walking on. "That little girl sure is something, huh?" It took Shepard a moment to process that he was speaking about Sydney. She smiled, looking across the room at the orphan who was chatting excitedly with her friends.

"She really is. I don't know how anyone hasn't adopted her yet" she took the bait, a smile quirking around her lips. His own mouth twitched but didn't return the gesture, he was hiding. Her mind raced to her former assumptions.

"You sound like you want to adopt her" he asked quietly. Shepard sputtered but didn't deny it. If there was a child she could adopt, it would be Sydney. It wasn't because she had sung to her but because of how she sang to her. Sydney sang about the little guys of the world; the damned, wounded, and forgotten. Orphans are easily tossed aside especially during wars; at least to her knowledge. She sung about being the light that hides in the darkness. Sydney sung about no matter what Shepard was, she could take a moment to make mistakes, to breathe, and remind herself it's okay that she was only human. It was okay that she was just Shepard. While Sydney may not have realized what she had done for Shepard, the commander would never forget that feeling of holding her on stage, praying someone as special as that little girl gets adopted by those who could even be considered worthy of being her parents. "Ever think about settling down, Shepard?" he asked her. She cocked a brow at him now, why would he asked that?

"Wouldn't you know that if you knew me?"

"Times change, people change" he didn't miss a beat. Her eyes skimmed the scar down his cheek, tempted to try and trap him, ask him about how he got it. Of course, he had probably already come up with a story by now, so she played ball.

She sighed, "I used to think about it"

"And now?"

"I-" he had learned into the point where she could smell him and by god, it was the most delicious hint of cologne. "I don't know"

"Haven't found the right mate?" he wondered. Humans rarely coined the term "mate." It was always "boyfriend", "girlfriend", "husband", "wife", or "spouse." Her heart beat wildly in her chest. _It's not possible_ …she trailed off.

"I don't…" his expression flickered, a hint of frustration. She shook her head, clearing her thoughts. "A husband to kiss me when I get home, a grand house with a white picket fence, a stable job with good income, two kids, it's…it's what every woman wants"

"And you?" he merely whispered. Her heart was in her throat, feeling as if she could cry. She wanted to explore the galaxy, go on adventures, never stay in one place for a long time. Yet, at the same time, she wanted stability amongst the action; an anchor of sorts. She wondered if she had wanted that before the war ended or if she just wanted to settle down.

"I believe I missed my opportunity to have a normal life a long time ago" she muttered sadly, voice cracking.

"Do you regret your life?"

"It's not fair of me to say that because my past decided that for me even if I don't know it. I don't regret going back on the Normandy, I don't regret chasing the bad guys." _I regret leaving you behind, every day,_ she thought somberly.

"I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, if I may be so bold, that you deserve to have whatever life you want with whoever you'd like"

Was this telling her that he would let her go? Was he giving her his blessing? That it was okay if she didn't want him? Shepard drew her eyes to his drink, still relatively full, a social drinker then. His three fingers still gripped the glass.

She couldn't take it anymore, she needed to know. His name was on the tip of her tongue when the artists switched and the young officer perked up to the stage.

"Tell me, Max, what do you want?" she was so quiet but he had heard her. His expression didn't falter, placing his hand on top of hers. It was soft, she nearly recoiled, only used to the rough texture of his alien touch.

"A chance" his voice merely caressed the word. Her heart thud quickly and spiked when she felt him tug her hand.

"What are you doing?" she asked

"Come on, it'll be fun" her hand had a death grip on the bar. Her own body betrayed her as the sweat on her hands created a slippery surface, her fingers lost its hold on the edge. He whisked her off to the dance floor. She had danced way too many times tonight, she was almost sure she never used to dance this much. Now with her emotions just bubbling underneath the surface, she wanted to run and huddle in the corner of her room, trying to pull herself together. The female singer serenaded a soft ballad while Max pulled her close. The same memory that floated through her thoughts when she was with James was present and more vivid than ever. The song was entirely different; more acoustic rather than tango. Their fingers twisted together awkwardly. Max seemed to turn a light shade of pink just under his cheeks. Shepard nearly grinned; she got him to blush.

 _And I just wanna love you_

 _Dont wanna lose me_

 _Dont wanna lose you woah_

 _If it gets harder_

 _Then I dont wanna break all alone_

 _I wanna break in your_

He twirled her out then with a confident grasp on her, spreading her out, her dress skirt flaring out towards the surprised patrons. In that moment, the silk lit up in red LED lights, synchronized with the music. As she coiled back into her partner, a mischievous pair of eyes found hers. Shepard could just barely see Kasumi's smile from the light of her omni tool. She huffed, mentally noting to deal with the thief later. Shepard's hands held onto the back of Max's neck, just faintly pulling on a few strays of hair; it felt real enough.

"Commander, your upstaging me" he drawled in an uncomfortably familiar tone.

"Deal with it, Officer" but she smirked at him.

He leaned back and she slipped into his body with perfect precision; nearly knowing the move from the memory. Their faces were inches from each other and her breath caught for the first time in ages. Now his lips finally quirked, steadying them. It was amazing how distant the scene on Palaven was. How he could possibly go back to her after all she had said? Had Garrus known she was lying the entire time? The crew apparently all used to say she was such a terrible liar. She built a stonewall between them, not allowing her emotions to show until the Normandy was carrying her away. Garrus was not stupid, and she should have known better than to think he had believed her at all.

If this man was Garrus, she had failed in leaving him. Could she leave him behind again convincingly after all the sleepless nights and miserable days she spent trying to relieve herself of him? Shepard did this for him, to let him get over her. Yet, he could be the one holding her, right here and right now. Sadness clutched at her chest at the thought of this depression continuing itself. Not only that, they had no sign of Aria and not only did she need him, the Normandy needed him when they found her.

 _Come on listen closely_

 _To the sound that our love made_

 _If you go I will follow_

 _I don't care id let you take it all again_

The human shifted so that he was holding her waist with one arm, dipping her sideways. Shepard allowed her head to dip, the curls falling from her shoulders, their soft petals kissing her bare back. She used her grip on his neck as an anchor, hoisting herself up from the dip nearly gracefully; their noses touched each other for the smallest of milliseconds, inches to close the space. She restrained herself, the tug of war game in her mind in full throttle while the thoughts that he is just a desperate human come screaming back into her consciousness. Instead, he grasped the back of her neck, holding her head to his shoulder almost too forcefully. His lips were at her ear then, she shivered at his next words.

"You can't just enjoy this, can you?" he purred.

"Maybe if you just tell me" she was breathless.

"You already know," he muttered. Then she froze amid their gambol. He allowed her to stop, just swaying them. She brought her face back to his. His blue eyes were studying her the same way he had whenever they were having talks deep into the night in her bed. Shepard's bottom lip quivered and he brought his finger atop of it. "I told you I was a bad turian" he said so only she could hear. The quietest confirmation caused her hand to immediately snatch the pistol strapped to her thigh, the other clasped hard on the man's ear lobe.

" _Ow!"_ Max whined while Shepard dragged him to a room on the other side of the venue. As the door slid shut, she set her omni tool set to lock the room and secure it. Shepard slammed the him into the wall, her strong arm anchoring his weight to it, pistol to the side of his head. Her teeth bared just beneath her lips in a furious sneer.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" She jeered at him.

"Shepard, it's-damn you've been training," he paused, apprising his glance over her form. Her teeth clenched harder, smashing him against the wall once more. Silk stretched its way down her arms, holding him. "It's really me, I swear it." The side of her mind that was apprehensive had completely taken over her decisions, instincts acting upon suspicions. With all those who want to kill her, they could easily say they were Garrus. Every single cell inside her body was telling her it was him but they of course have been wrong before. She shook her head at the man, refusing to get a grip.

She didn't look at him, her eyes averting to the barrel of the gun against his auburn hair, "impossible" she whispered. He couldn't be human, he was a turian, there was no way it would happen.

"I thought it was too. Solana was doing some crazy shit behind my back" Solana's name perked up her interest. She knew there was more to the younger Vakarian than she imagined. Just because the man knew Sol meant nothing; it was public knowledge who she was. She shook her head at him again.

"He wouldn't leave his duties to the hierarchy" she whispered more to herself than to him, coming up with any and every excuse that this man was not Garrus.

"A VI could file paperwork a hell of a lot better than I can"-

" _Shut up_!" she yelped, now her biotics were on her arm, crushing him against the wall even harder.

"Jane"

"Don't you _dare_ call me that" she hissed, concealing the hurt. He stared at her for a long moment before relaxing, no longer resisting. His eyes glowed dimly, willing to hers. She reluctantly looked to him. It was too real and she hated it.

"Fine, go ahead" he cocked his head towards the barrel of the pistol. Her eyes pivoted between the man and the gun. "If you truly don't believe it's me, you'd have no problem shooting an imposter" She felt shock as he was calmly leaning against her pistol. Garrus was never suicidal, at least not the point of letting someone pull a trigger on him. He was so confident she wouldn't even chance hurting him at this point. Her finger shook against the trigger, if this man was him, she would never live with herself. She would be betraying her old self for all the times she had leaned on him for advice, watched his six, given herself to him, and even leaving him for his benefit. While she was distracted, his finger had found its way to just below her jaw. The commander stiffened. His nail was lightly tracing the small disfigurement that wound its way up to her temple. He continued, not breaking his gaze on her, trailing down her waist, squiggling jagged lines over and down her stomach. _It's impossible_ ¸ she cried inside, _he can't know unless_ …the other drew on her back, the most intimate areas he was drawing the battle wounds of her other life. It was in the same pattern he always traced whenever she had woken from a bad dream, or couldn't sleep. His talons would stroke her bare back while she laid on her stomach on their bed, whispering stories of their adventures together, reliving the battles while he painted her a picture.

She didn't realize she had dropped her gun until it hit the ground and they both recoiled. The two stared at each other a few long, agonizing moments. Shepard's heart was beating wildly as he had skillfully taking down all her doubts with just a touch of his human finger. Her head craned back and forth. _No, he deserves better, he deserves…_ she couldn't finish the thought.

"Don't…. Don't ask for me back" her voice cracked. Her eyes squeezed shut, trapping the tears. She flinched away from the hand that tried to hold her cheek. He was silent for a few more moments.

"okay" he said in the evenest of tones, "tell me you don't want me back" he challenged. _Bastard_ , she fought furiously against her weak knees.

She shifted her gaze to their feet, too similar. "I'm trying to give you freedom. I can't give you what you want"

"Shepard" he chuckled remarkably. This caused her head to shoot back up to his. The man took advantage, grasping her face in a cage of his too soft human hands. "You give me everything I want" he breathed.

Now she enjoyed the challenge, ready to prove him wrong. She actually smirked at him, he maintained a poker face.

"I'm not turian"

He rolled his eyes, "I can't say I'm not human right now. But I like that you're not turian"

She huffed, "I can't have kids"

"We'll adopt"

"Turian or human?"

"I could give two shits, Shepard. They could be hanar for all I care"

She flinched, not expecting his answer. She continued, "I don't have my memories"

"Yeah, yeah I heard your speech"

"And?"

"You're still you" he spoke proudly of her.

"You don't love me" without a moment's hesitation.

"Ah…now that's where you're wrong, Jane." She raised a brow at him. "You left and I realized how stupid it all was; the doubt. You're not a body, Shepard. You're a _person_. I love _you,_ not the memories. I'm sorry it took all of this trouble to figure it out" his voice sounded different without the subharmonics but it was him, amazingly so. Shepard blinked multiple times, trapping tears. Her challenges were swiped away so easily, it was almost humiliating.

Garrus didn't give her his usual smirk, even as a human. Instead, he closed the space between them, pressing his human lips against hers. _Too soft, too soft_ her brain freaked out. But there was a stiffness in the kiss, he was used to not having a very pliable mouth. It _was_ him. She had thawed from the recognition of the man holding her. He broke away from her, locking his eyes to hers. She could taste his breath on her tongue. He looked at her apprehensively, a request. She didn't think, she couldn't anymore. She took the man's bottom lip between her teeth. He shuttered beneath her, crushing her into a corner of the small room. He was still rigid against her while she sighed.

"Garrus" she said his name for the first time in months.

"Yeah?"

"Loosen up, will ya?" Shepard breathed.

He chuckled, now mimicking her actions from before, catching her bottom lip with his teeth, gently gnawing on the softness. She reached under his jacket and clutched the backs of his shoulders, securing his body to her. They melded together, writhing from the warmth. The only sounds in the room were the light gasps and smothering sounds coming from their mouths. She traced her finger down the light scar on his left cheek, trying to remind herself who he was before moving it to the back of his neck, forcing him closer. His tongue laced around her lips before meeting hers. It was intense, scared. The first time they were together in months, in a completely different situation than how she had left him. She recognized the movements of their dancing tongues, so familiar and easy. Then he broke from her only to feel his teeth bite down on her neck. Pain and pleasure interwoven in each other, Shepard cried out. The man only clenched harder onto the skin, her pulse throbbing wildly underneath his canines. It was nothing compared to the turian nibbles he would give her, which hurt even worse. It was tradition as Shepard had researched, turians bite those they bond with, making a mark. His voice was at her ear there.

"You're everything to me, you hear that? Nothing has changed"

She nodded quickly, while he gritted onto her ear lobe as well. Goosebumps raised on her arms and legs rapidly, her body's involuntary reaction to the sheer sensation from the bite.

"I…" she trailed, her mind jumbling around the realization of what she had done. It was shameful, how wrong she had been. He kissed her again, harder than before, making her lose track of her thoughts. A wave of apologies was on the tip of her tongue, tears on the rims of her eyelids. His fingertips caught the ones that fell. How stupid she was. She let her best friend, right hand man, and lover slip through her hands all for the sake of trying to give back. "Garrus, I'm so sor-"

"Don't, Shepard" he interrupted, resting their foreheads together, sweat dewed on both. The room was unmistakably hot and heavy. "It's over now, no use dwelling on it" his hands found her waist and pulled her to him, his fingers ruffling through her deflated curls. Her head collapsed onto his shoulder, feeling exhausted. She could feel his heart now, steady, a tad fast, but consistent.

Towards the end, a commotion could be heard on the other side of the door. The two looked at each other and then the door. Something was wrong, _very wrong_. Shepard unlocked the door and found bodies already stained on the ground; the room had become misty. She felt her eyes start to prick from the pain of the gas. Not wasting anytime, her hand brushed her visor she had kept hidden behind her ear, it enclosed the space around her nostrils and eyes, protecting herself from the noxious gas.

"Garrus!" a voice called from the side of the room. A smaller woman, also wearing a clear mask, stepped carefully over the bodies towards the two. She flicked something over to him, he caught it with deft hands and quickly clipped it to his ear. His visor was too long for his face but she saw it quickly adjust and throw a shield over his face as well. He looked more like himself even though he was human. "Nice to see you again, Shepard!" the brunette woman shouted.

"Solana?!" Shepard exclaimed, coming to the only explanation of how _that_ human could know Garrus' true identity.

"In the flesh! Literally" a pistol materialized in her hand, shooting at the mercs that were flowing into the room. Shepard looked down and forgotten about her downed pistol. _Shit_ was the only thought in her mind. As she turned to go grab it, Garrus settled it into her hand, his own pistol on the other.

"You're getting sloppy, sweetie" he drawled, shooting behind her. A merc, blue suns clearly, fell dead mere inches from her feet. She huffed out a breath, shooting a few on the stage, trying choke the life of the singer. A few heads bobbed out of the crowd, blue whisps scattering in the room; her crew. They had all brought weapons as a precaution. A couple bullets caught in her shield, while she sent a Throw towards the group heading towards them. Why were the Blue Suns here? What could they possibly want with an Alliance memorial reception? They took advantage and ran over the dead bodies, towards more of the crew. Jack was sending out shockwaves, Liara her singularities, James had his pistol, Tali and her defense drone were throwing sabotages, and Kaidan kept a barrier over Ken, Gabby, Joker, and Sam.

"Shepard, Keelah, are you alright?!" Tali asked as she was the closest.

"Can you ask later?" Shepard yelled over the sounds of gunfire.

"Hey Tali!" Garrus shouted behind Shepard. No way Tali would recognize him.

"Garrus?!" She cried.

 _What the hell?_ Shepard thought frustrated. The man grinned behind her, tapping his visor. Still, she couldn't have acknowledged him that easily! Then again, the two had been friends for a long time, maybe Shepard was just overly suspicious. She rolled her eyes at her friends and took down two mercs entering through the doorway. A couple of masked C-sec officers were also spreading throughout the room, providing the Normandy reinforcement.

Among the chaos, an asari and a human stepped onto the stage, dragging something with them. Shepard couldn't see through the gas but she had a terrible churning in her stomach as to who they were.

"Jack! Get rid of this smoke!" Shepard shouted.

"Got it, Shepard!" Jack threw a wall biotics to sweep away the obstructions. As the mist cleared, her hunch was true. Aria and Drew stood among them. The asari wore a wicked grin on her face while the human looked as smug as ever. That bastard had escaped? She shouldn't be surprised even with the turian guarding him.

"What do you want, Aria?" Shepard yelled.

"You're in my way again, Shepard. I came to take out the trash" she smirked.

"I won't let you get away with this" Shepard growled, taking a step towards them.

"I wouldn't come over here if I were you" Aria warned. Shepard's heart dropped in her chest while Drew held onto red curls, a gun to the girl's head. He had Sydney, the young orphan whimpered in his hold. Fury erupted in Shepard's veins, a charge already powering up inside. A firm hand grabbed her arm, securing her. She found blue eyes, calculating, looking at her. Garrus shook his head slowly. She couldn't let them take Sydney. Shepard looked back at the duo.

"Let her go, she has nothing to do with this" a tear slid down the young girl's cheek. "You want me? Take me instead. We fight fair and square" Shepard offered.

Aria maintained her maniacal grin, "Oh Shepard…" she trailed. The tone of her voice sickeningly familiar. _"I just want you to suffer"_ that nightmare flickered inside her mind. _No_ , _not this time_ she thought furiously. "You choose right here, right now; this lovely piece of nothing" she pointed to the petrified girl, "or the galaxy. Take your pick." She tensed. She looked at Garrus and he was staring wrathfully at Drew. His pistol shot out, hitting the man straight in the arm that was holding Sydney.

"Now, Shepard!" Garrus yelled.

Shepard grasped his hand and biotically charged to Aria. Garrus used the momentum and barreled at Drew, taking him down, hand to hand style. The asari was not knocked off her feet but rather threw herself at Shepard, letting out a wild squeal. Their biotics synched with each other, each attack being deflected by another. Sydney fell to the side, a couple of bystanders tried to grab her but were repelled by Krogan guards. A gang of shouts entered the room, reinforcement mercs. Shepard pulled the trigger of her gun and broke down Aria's barrier. She proceeded to smack the weapon out of the commander's hand, her own gun pulsed to Shepard's chest. She quickly grasped the barrel and forced it up as the gun fired. Now Aria grunted as she punched the butt of the gun into Shepard's face, breaking the glass protecting her mouth and nose. A metallic taste filled her mouth. The tear gas easily tore through her insides, Shepard dropped to the ground, gagging.

She felt a boot to her neck, crushing her to the floor. "What's the matter, Shepard? Can't _remember_ how to fight?!" Aria hissed. Shepard shut her eyes and trapped the remaining filtered air in her lungs. Her hand struggled to reach for her gun but her enemy threw it to the wall. Now she growled, a pulse of blue energy splurged from her hand, hitting the asari clear in the face. Her foot faltered and Shepard swept her leg underneath Aria's knees, her gun being ricocheted across the room.

The tables turned as Shepard straddled the Asari and punched her rapidly in the face, hearing and feeling satisfying crunches all over. Aria grabbed Shepard's wrist, twisting it, and like a rag doll, throwing her through the glass French doors. The tall buildings of the Citadel were in her vision and instinctively, Shepard caught onto the edge of the balcony with one hand. She hungrily gulped in the fresh air. Her fingertips struggled to keep hold. Aria approached slowly, bringing her boot up to press against her already weak knuckles. Pain spread and Shepard yelped, refusing to let go. Aria smashed her foot farther on Shepard's fingers, her hand coming up blue.

The asari attempted to push the human off with biotic fire but Shepard swung away, avoiding each hit. Her hand screamed in agony and Shepard ignored it. A bright light hit her back, the heat intensifying onto her back, C-sec had arrived with more cruisers. Aria cussed. Shepard took advantage of her distraction and used the momentum from her swinging to throw herself back up onto the platform.

"…the girl and bring the cruiser over, damn it!" Aria had been screaming into her transceiver. Shepard charged over but Aria deflected her, throwing the human back against the railing. Her back folded excruciatingly over it and fell to the ground. Shepard coughed, her body throbbing in agony. She gripped the railing for support but her hands clumsily fell. _She won't get away with this!_ Shepard thought viciously.

" _Help! Shepard! NO!"_ screamed a voice; the same one that had sung to her just minutes before. Sydney kicked and struggled against the Krogan that had trapped her in a cage of arms. A shuttle appeared at the edge of the balcony. Shepard pushed her weight up with adrenaline and charged to the kidnaper. Her useless hands went for punches but Aria grabbed her once more, shoving her into the wall. Something was sprayed mercilessly into her face and everything burned. Tears rolled down her cheeks and her lungs struggled for air again. Then there was a searing pain in her abdomen; once, twice, a third time. Aria extracted her omni-blade from Shepard's skin.

"Such a shame, Shepard. This is what happens when you fuck with me" her voice was soft, low, so only she could hear. Her body dropped to the ground, vision clouding. There were voices and shuffles of feet. Anguish ripped through her stomach. She clutched to where she had been stabbed and came back with a sticking substance, dark crimson in color. Her hand began shaking violently, her body convulsing. She had lost. She lost Sydney. She lost to Aria. Now she seemed to be losing her life. Black spots were filling her vision.

Amidst her seizure, a crowd was forming. A figure appeared and moved too quickly for her vision to process it. She felt the sting of pressure on her stomach. Like someone was trying to cut her in half. _Someone just end it_ , she cried. The pain was too much. The suffocation, it was familiar, the way it embraced her lungs and throat. Stars were shooting through her vision in a blur, fire. Where did the fire come from? Her fingers raked across her throat, to put out the fire but were restrained. An explosion cackled in the distance, her mind swimming through the zero gravity. Her radio screeched and wheezed. Everything was fading to black but the pain raged on into the darkness. Is this what it was like to die? The pain continued its slow fiery lick. She was choking on her own blood; her screaming being drabbled out.

She tried opening her eyes but saw nothing but whiteness, shadows dancing in her peripherals. Her hand was still shaking when she brought it up to her face, another dark shape. Her wrist restrained again, her own struggled gurgles in her ears. There was a voice, one she had not heard before.

"Shepard, don't try to move" it was low, cool, female. A memory? _Now?_ The said memory did not last long as her vision whited out again. Another voice was in her ears now.

"God damn it, Shepard. _Breathe_!" Max Hunter. No. It was Garrus. In his human voice. She had been turned over to her side, contents of her stomach, blood, and other contaminants were on the ground, guzzling from her mouth.

"Her body is going into shock, I don't think she can hear us" Chakwas was close by too. How did she get on the Citadel? There was tightness in her abdomen again, different from the stab wound. She couldn't respond, say she _could_ hear them. Her eyes were permanently sideways, looking at the other buildings sparkling quietly in the night. "Carefully, turn her back over." Warm hands took her shoulders and laid her on her back. Her eyes found Chakwas first, closest. A needle and thread in her gloved fingers. She was focusing on what Shepard could only guess was her stomach. She tried to talk but nothing came out, as if someone had taken her vocal cords out of her throat. _Too much shock_ , her mind pulsated. Now that she noticed, her body was still shaking uncontrollably but it was milder than when she first was stabbed. She realized the tightness she felt initially and the small pricking feeling was Chakwas sewing her back together. _Oh god_ , the contents of her stomach were in her throat. Her vision was horizontal again while she vomited, Chakwas magnetizing next to her, not stopping her work. "I'm almost finished," the doctor said. Shepard wasn't sure to who; her or Garrus.

Her body was returned to the sky again, now Garrus was in her line of sight, just behind Chakwas. For once, she could read him perfectly. His expression was deliberate, eyebrows furrowed, jaw set. His eyes told her everything; he was frantic, panicking. They were staring straight at her but she couldn't will herself to make eye contact. He was fading though, her tight grip on consciousness beginning to loosen. Too much blood loss. The seductive pull of sleep beckoned to her. A good night's rest, she wanted it so bad.

"Hey, hey, stay with me" Now his human face was inches from her, "keep your heart beating, will you?" _I'm trying,_ she cried, _I'm trying so hard_.

"Finally, an IV!" Chakwas shouted. The clang of equipment rang her ear drums. Garrus moved out of the way for the doctor. Another prick on the inside of her wrist. Shepard's eye lids were so heavy, she fought to keep them barely slit. Fear clutched at her veins and she struggled to talk, her mouth refused to move. "Ga…" she was a whisper, no one heard. Her sight was blackness, the sounds of the waking world her only way of knowing she was alive. "Garrus…" she said softly. She could barely hear herself. No response. "Garrus" she was just above a whimper. A hand was to her face and her eyes were shocked open; everything was blurry and light. Her eyes drooped once more, betraying her.

"I'm here, Shepard" his voice said during the chaos around her.

"I-…. I can't" she uttered.

"It's okay, love. Go to sleep" he soothed her. She almost wanted to oblige him. She didn't come this far just to let Aria win; allowing her to take an innocent child, dying before she could save her. And where would he go? Would he go after Aria? She can't stand the thought of him leaving her behind, not when she just got him back.

"Sss…ssttt…. stttay" He was already shushing her.

"I'll be right here when you wake up. Go to sleep, Jane" It was more than she deserved. A waterfall of words was on her tongue but she could barely respond. Blackness took over her vision once more. She was struggling, clawing through the darkness. "Go to sleep." He repeated. Something soft brushed against her forehead. "Please" he breathed into her ear. With that, she allowed herself to let go, praying that he was right and she would wake up again.

 **A/N I Ah yes, leaving off on a dreaded cliffhanger. Hope you all liked it! I don't know how often I will update right now as I'm working a lot but also looking for a big girl job! (I just graduated college in May) but I will do my best whenever I have free time! As always, review/favorite/follow. I do appreciate the following I already have on here and it motivates me to write even more! Thanks, everyone!** **-Kristin**

 **A/N II ALSO! Please check out my new one shot! I just posted it a few days ago and would love some feedback! It called "Nightingale" and contains all Shakarian goodness! Thanks again!**


	21. Homecoming

Jane Chapter 21

The cold medal twisted in her hands, the one thing in her entire life that brought her back to Earth. The name glowed against the distant starlight steaming in from the windows of the shuttle; _Rogers, Parker M._ Sydney refused to cry staring at her father's name. Crying did nothing to the situation; only painted her as the damsel. The shuttle thrust forward and to the side, her own body crashing to the floor.

Why her? Because of the small connection she had with the commander? It wasn't fair. She never became involved with criminals, always strayed from strangers, even when she was homeless for a small time. She would wave off anyone who tried to rob her with her dad's old pistol. Her eyes would dry up and irritate from staying awake for so long, defending her body and small valuables. The idea of an orphanage terrified her, being stuck with other miserable and lonely little kids was too much to think about. At age 11, she was nowhere near old enough to pass for 18 and she would not be able to have a job to pay for herself. Little did she know, when Miss. Emily had found her, the orphanage was exactly what she needed.

Now she was kidnapped, being held by some twisted asari named Aria. She screamed the life out of her lungs, watching her own hero writhe on the ground as she called out to her. The moment she was thrown into the shuttle, a gag was placed on her mouth.

"Keep quiet, kid!" the one krogan who had grabbed her tightened the cloth in her mouth. Aria looked from the cockpit, her eyes dimmed from before, unreadable. Blood had trickled down the right side of her lip. Sydney stared back defiantly, unafraid. At this, the asari smirked before turning back to the scene in front of her. The young girl huffed trying to get into a comfortable position. Unfortunately, her wrists were bound as well, back against the far wall with almost no wiggle room. Her mind was panicked.

She began pulling her lessons long ago from her Dad. _Remain calm_ , _keep a sharp eye, look for a way out_. She took a deep breath through her nose, letting her eyes roll back into her head until her heart rate slowed. Nothing could be done in the shuttle, she would have to wait until they reached their destination.

The vehicle lurched then when an explosion manifested in the rear. The Krogan cursed. Aria had braced herself to the back up the pilot's chair. "Will you do your job and get C-Sec off our ass?" she hissed.

The man who had first grabbed her, Drew, she heard was his name, growled, "It's not easy when there's ten of them and one of us!" another violent shutter shook them.

"Do I have to do everything?!" Aria screeched, taking the man by the back of his collar and propelling him from the chair. She replaced him and forced the shuttle up and away from the pursuing police. Sydney prayed for the citadel police force to flank, surprise them, _do something_.

Then she realized how thankful she was; that this Aria took her instead of the smaller children; _especially_ little Piper. She shivered at the thought of the smallest orphan, bound and gagged at Sydney was. The little girl's silver gaze was in her mind, screaming after her while she was being forced towards the door by the krogan. The policemen were protecting her, holding the girl back from shooting across the room. Sydney had reached out her hand, telling her to stop, to please stand back. She begged Piper while she was being towed away but also begging for her own life to the big alien.

"Krath, ETA 2 minutes, be ready in the shuttle bay" Aria said mechanically, twisting the vehicle again. There was a ship in the distance, looking about the size of a raindrop. The police were falling behind and Sydney sighed, resigning herself to being captive. All she could do was wait until she reached their ship and come up with a plan.

"Copy that, Aria" a batarian voice cracked out from the radio.

Aria got up from the pilot's chair. Drew promptly took his seat back, remaining silent. She made her way back to Sydney, crossing her arms, her pale eyes wondered up and down the girl, studying her. Sydney froze, unsure of what her captor was planning. Nevertheless, she maintained her mischievous smirk. "You are a pretty little thing," she tipped the girls chin, turning her head side to side like some prized animal. Her heart raced, blood pumping in her ear drums. Sydney squeezed her eyes shut, ignoring the moisture on the rims. She would not break. _You could be the one standing with the knife in a gun fight but you hold that blade proudly, kiddo. Never let your enemy see your fear because then they've already won._ Her father's voice echoed in her memories. He was right, she couldn't show weakness, not now. Aria seemed to notice the change in Sydney's demeanor, holding her gaze. "There's fire in those emeralds of yours. You remind me of my daughter" the asari paused, eyebrows furrowing at the thought, "hell… you remind me of myself when I was younger" now she was thoughtful, her voice smooth and almost comforting. This was the way of the asari, they're as likely to kiss their prey before devouring them. Aria released Sydney, not before caressing her face with her knuckle. The touch stung, a trail of fire in her wake.

"Finally lost C-sec, ma'am" Drew perked from the front.

"You're welcome" she nearly sang. Sydney's felt a crushing defeat. Even Shepard wouldn't save her, not in the condition she was left in. The girl winced at the image of her own hero, broken on the balcony, blood gushing from her abdomen. She only hoped the commander would be okay.

* * *

 _Private Jane Shepard; she liked the sound of that. She twisted the two dark pink roses in her hand, stroking the silky petals with her fingers. God knows how hard it was to get these with being in space all the time. Something her own parents had never experienced; being in one place suited the simple couple. Jane couldn't deny the beauty that the vast void held and she only wished they were here to see it with her._

 _She did her best to keep her nervousness at bay while the shuttle descended. As the doors open, Anderson clapped her on the shoulder. "Make it quick, kid" he muttered._

" _Yes, sir" she replied, clutching the roses and taking the small leap from the vehicle. She took in a deep breath before taking in her surroundings. The buildings were still there; abandoned. The walls were still riddled with bullet holes but it seemed the crew that cleaned up the bodies also power washed the different pods; maybe in hopes of rebuilding. She shuttered at the thought; this was the resting place of too many angry ghosts. The only sounds that vibrated off the wall were that of the idling shuttle behind her._

 _Her memories fought into her consciousness, seeing her parents' bodies, gunshots to the head, her screams penetrating the nearby houses. The coldness of her mother's fingers in hers, how heavy they were when she tried to lift them. She remembered her father's soulless grey eyes looking up into nothing. Tears strained down her cheeks, bellowing out sobs. The feeling of complete and utter abandonment, the only Shepard left in the entire galaxy._

 _Shepard sucked in a breath, suppressing the images, telling herself she was on her way to a better life, one her own parents would have wanted for her. She made her way through the shadowy ruins of her home to the small memorial the surviving locals had built, the only tombstones her family would have. She looked back down at the flowers, holding back the tears. Soldiers don't cry._

 _Instead she spoke quietly, "Hi Mom. Hi Dad. Hope your day is going. I just came to visit, see how you were doing." She took another quick breath, fluttering her eyes to the trees beyond the memorial, "it's been a year since I saw you. I miss you both…a lot," she nodded, digging her nose into the flowers, letting the scent distract her. She promised herself she'd go through with this. "I wore my dress blues for you guys. I…I just finished boot camp. A Shepard finally made it into the military. I know, I know, it's not what we planned but…" she hesitated, looking straight at their names together on the black slab of wall, "…I hope you're happy with my decision," a tear had fallen down her cheek, but she didn't stop, "I brought you guys some flowers. Mom, I know you've never seen roses before and they're even prettier than in the pictures" she smiled sadly down at the flower. She set them down gingerly with all the other wilted offerings to Mindoir. "I'll try to visit when I can, okay?" she waited as if an answer would come. There was a solemn silence as she stepped back, her heart in her throat. "Okay… I love you guys."_

 _Shepard turned and headed back for the shuttle. The trees rustled behind her and wind pushed her forward to Anderson. She only prayed that was a sign of approval. The young private quickly scrubbed the tear away before her mentor could see. His expression was somber, holding out his hand. She grasped it and hoisted herself into the shuttle. The doors shut with a locking click behind them. She didn't look at him but she felt a soft hand on her shoulder once more. She didn't dare look at Anderson, knowing she would break down if she did._

" _You're gonna do great things, Shepard," Anderson whispered, squeezing his grasp on her. "I'm proud of you. And wherever they are, they're proud of you too." Anderson hadn't given up on her, toss her aside as some traumatic lost cause. He convinced her the alliance was the best thing she could do for the fallen; to protect those who would need her. The only person who stepped up as not just a mentor but also a father-like figure to stand in while she went through her most heart wrenching decision; to finally become a marine._

" _Thank you, sir" she murmured. "For everything" she added._

* * *

 _Her eyes found more roses; they were blue this time, in a bunch, on a granite counter a couple feet from her. The ill-at-ease feeling was also back, but in somewhat of a different context. She went to touch one of the petals but found her own reflection staring back at her, a blonde-haired beauty. Her hair was long, longer than it had been in a while. It was curled and the ringlets rained down her back like a waterfall. Dark maroon eyeshadow had hugged lightly around her eyelids. The foundation on her skin glowed, contouring the soft edges nicely._

 _Her dress was white; a bridal gown. The sleeves were capped, draped over her shoulders gracefully. It was a simple neckline with an elegant lace design on the top of the dress. Then the skirt flowed to the floor in a small silky puff. Her fingers traced down the material, shaking uncontrollably. It was beautiful. Her balance had begun to shift but small hands caught her waist._

 _"Easy there, almost done" said an unfamiliar voice behind her. A woman came out from behind her, her own brunette locks lifted in a curled bun. Her brown eyes began tweaking in Shepard's vail._

 _"Ash-Ashley?" Shepard asked, remembering her from the pictures she'd seen._

 _"The one and only, skipper" she managed to laugh. Ashley had died on Virmire, hadn't she? Shepard was about 1,000% sure she did but there she was, adjusting Shepard's hair piece. "Easy with the head! This thing is harder to clip than it looks!" she scolded, two deft fingers holding her scalp._

 _"Sorry" Shepard muttered, glancing at Ashley once more, looking the same, no changes._

 _"Is it safe to come in? I don't want my head ripped off" another unfamiliar voice called out from a closed door on the other side of the room._

 _Ashley smoothed out Shepard's dress, chuckling, "You're clear, Mr. Shepard"_

 _"Mr. Shep…" Shepard looked over to see an older man in a black suit, with a dark blue tie underneath. His blonde hair was tied in a knot at the nape of his neck. Laugh lines crinkled around his eyes. They shared the same nose and full mouth. His blue eyes found hers and her breath caught. "Dad?" she breathed. Another one she only recognized from pictures. Now Shepard was 10,000% sure her father was not supposed to be alive either._

 _"Look at you" He strode over, only claiming a few inches above her, grasped her hands in his. Shepard felt like she should cry but she was more puzzled, considering…hadn't she just been mourning him? "Stunning" kissing her hands. Her heart beat sadly in her chest._

 _"T-thank you" she shook._

 _"Oh, come on, honey, you've faced worse than being a bride" her father smiled at her expression of pure panic and confusion._

 _"Right" she whispered to herself. Wait…who was her groom? She opened her mouth to ask and then realized that maybe a dumb thing for a bride to ask on her wedding day._

 _"You haven't looked this out of your element since going into the geth consensus" Ashley laughed at her. Shepard didn't recall the exact instance but she was told she did do that during the Reaper War…three years after the Virmire mission. It should be a dream, right? But it felt pretty vivid._

 _"Never been married before I guess" she let the words fall out of her mouth._

 _"Neither has Garrus so you're good" Ashley was still smirking as she handed Shepard the bouquet of blue roses. She nearly sighed in relief, of course it would be him. At least that part made sense._

 _There was a knock on the door, "Hey, are we about done in there?" Joker's voice was on the other side, "if not, can we hurry it up? I'm running out of banter and I don't think anyone wants to hear my dad jokes"_

 _"Yeah, yeah, hold your horses, Moreau" Ashley opened it, tugging Shepard's wrist. They were just outside what looked like a church on Earth. How odd. The chief released her commander and shoved the pilot out of the way. Shepard shook her head but felt her dad pull her hand into the crook of his arm._

 _All her friends were standing there in a line waiting; Tali, Liara, Jack, and Ashley took the lead. Their dresses were the same light blue color as Shepard's flowers._ It's happening _, Shepard thought to herself._

 _"Oooohhh, look at my baby" said a voice to her right on the verge of tears._

 _The woman next to her had hair darker than Shepard's with tan skin and green eyes. Freckles were dotted around her nose and cheeks. Her face was heart shaped and the same laugh lines on her father's face were also on this person as well. "Mom," she whispered, taking the woman into a one-armed hug. The room was getting too crowded with dead people._

 _"You look beautiful, Jane" she cried._

 _"Thanks, mom" she whimpered into her hair. Shepard kept blinking her eyes to stop the tears while the woman pulled away._

 _"Here" her mom held a handkerchief to Shepard's eyeline, "don't smudge. I'm pretty sure Ash will kill me" Shepard blinked the moisture onto the soft linen. "There, perfect" wrapping it up to trap her own tears. "You got this, sweetie" Shepard nodded and watched her disappear._

 _Music had begun playing, it sounded like a string quartet, the old fashion way. Her bridesmaids had already glided down the aisles and it was just Shepard and her father left. Every seat in every pew was filled with friends, allies, human and non. It was all way too extravagant for her taste, another anomaly. She began passing by people she knew she lost; Mordin, Legion, Thane, names that were attached to pictures which matched perfectly with the imaging of the dream. Garrus stood up front in a black tux -matching her father in a dark blue tie as well- with a human priest, hands crossed behind his back. He was beaming at her as she closed the distance step by step. Behind him across from the other bridesmaids stood Sydney, the young orphan girl also in a blue dress with a silver bow in her long red hair. Why was she here? Shepard wondered._

 _They made it to the end of the aisle and as in ancient tradition, her father handed her off._ Getting really strange over here _, Shepard thought. Nevertheless, she grasped the familiar talons of her lover. She squeezed a little too hard, knowing something was going to go wrong. Ashley had walked over from the retreating bridesmaids, taking Shepard's bouquet, smiling at her in encouragement. Shepard nodded, letting her take the blue roses._

 _"You may all be seated" the older pastor said, motioning his hands down. "We are gathered here today…" as he began to introduce the bride and groom and banter about love and commitment and blah blah blah. Shepard huffed and shuffled in her high heels._

 _"How are you feeling?" Garrus muttered across to her. His face was just as bored as hers probably looked._

 _"Confused" Shepard whispered back honestly._

 _"You going to leave me at the altar, Shepard? I may not have my visor but I_ will _find you and drag your ass back here" he was smirking. She just noticed he wasn't wearing his usual headgear. The unscarred side of his face completely naked._

 _"Wouldn't dream of it, Vakarian," she snorted as quietly as she could manage. "I'll be fine"_

 _"I will now ask Jane and Garrus to take a seat as we will begin our full-service mass" Jane wanted to groan internally. Who the hell ordered a full mass? The turian tugged her over the seats just to the side of the alter._

 _"I don't know how your mother convinced you to go with the full service" he complained, keeping her hand._

 _"Yeah…I don't know either" Shepard sighed truthfully. Her eyes scanned over the front rows seeing her entire Normandy crew along with her parents. "To be honest, I have no idea how I got here" she said._

 _"No kidding, I thought I'd be in Kaidan's spot" he tipped his chin at the major sitting next to Joker. Kaidan cracked a small smile at Jane when she saw him. He looked handsome in a tux but almost defeated._

 _"Hilarious, Garrus" she rolled her eyes._

 _"I took a rocket shot to the face and he looks like a million credits. Can't blame me for being a little suspicious" he drawled. When she shot a glare at him, he had his mandibles pulled in tight, trying to hold in a laugh. She just shook her head, refusing to feed into his teasing. If any part of this was real, it was her groom. "Hey" he whispered. She reluctantly drew her eyes back to him, "you look drop dead gorgeous right now." Shepard blushed but was happy the makeup covered it._

 _"You don't look too bad yourself" she winked._

 _He smiled and shook his head. The priest called them back up, show time. They walked back over to the altar, the priest stating to repeat his words to the couple; they both nodded._

 _"Jane, I want you to repeat after me, okay?" said the older human._

 _She nodded, her body shaking in fear, wanting whatever would happen over with._

 _"I, Jane, take you, Garrus, to be my husband"_

 _She sucked in a deep breath, peaking at the congregation, everything seemed normal. "I, Jane, take you, Garrus, to be my husband" she said as audibly as he could._

 _"I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad"_

 _Now she looked back at those eyes she'd gotten to know like the back of her hand, "I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad" she said, he quirked a smile at her, encouraging her to keep going._

 _"For better or for worse, in sickness and in health"_

 _"For better- "Jane's eyes had trailed to her audience and fear struck her eyes, she was surrounded by mercenaries; blue suns, eclipse, blood pack. They all stood behind her unsuspecting friends and family. Her hand went to her thigh, almost expecting a gun to be there but forgot she was in a wedding dress; damn it! She looked back at Garrus, he seemed oblivious to what was going on, just like her other dreams._

 _"Go on, Shepard" said Sydney who was standing next to her. Something in her voice made Shepard gaze at the girl, whose lips tugged up maniacally, twisting a knife in her hand. She tried to move but her feet were planted to the ground._

 _F-for better or for worse- "Aria was now behind Garrus, he should be noticing her, shouldn't he? He could tell there was an enemy when they were kilometers away. His plates pulled together, worried. "in sickness and in health" she whimpered. Screams erupted from inside the church, the mercs had begun slaughtering all those important to her. Kaidan had his throat sliced open, someone had twisted Joker's head over his neck, her parents had the same gunshots in their temples as Mindoir. Shepard wanted to scream, to make it stop, watching her life crumble all in a single moment. Still no one seemed to know this was going on. She was shaking her head at Garrus, tears streaming down her face._

 _"Shepard?" he asked, voice wavering._

 _"until death do us part" the priest said, unaware. The asari was smiling, trailing her hand to Garrus' neck. Shepard flinched, watching Aria admire her gun. She fought against her immobilization with all her strength but nothing happened. She knew there was only one way to continue._

 _"until death do us-NO!" Aria had shot her groom in the side of the head. Blue blood spit all over her dress. He fell to the floor, eyes still open, lifeless. She didn't seem to notice that Sydney had slit Shepard's throat open, red mixing in with the blue. She finally fell, choking on her blood, clawing at anything. She tried to get up, do something to save them. Something kept pulling her back down. NO! It couldn't end like this!_

 _"Shepard, it's okay" Garrus said to her, his face still on the ground, staring at her. She now tried to scramble away._

 _"No! No!" she yelped, still resisting._

 _"Wake up"_

 _"Huh?"_

"Wake up, Shepard." Her eyes snapped open, talons were grabbing her shoulders. Shaky breaths passed her lips while she took in her surroundings. She was in her cabin, in bed. Garrus was kneeling on the outside of her bed, loosening his grasp on her. She almost expected him as his human counterpart but there he was; mandibles, fringe, and all. Shepard let out a sigh in relief, tucking her head back into the pillows. It was all just a dream.

They took a few moments, Garrus taking her hand, letting her squeeze it. "God, I'm sorry" she felt sheepish, was she talking in her sleep? She gazed around her room, avoiding his curious stare.

"Hey, it's okay" he took her chin and made her look at him. Blood rushed to her cheeks.

"H-how much did you hear?" she asked quietly.

"…Enough" was all he replied. Now she groaned, taking her face into her hands. As she bent forward, there was a stinging sensation in her abdomen she flinched away from. "Easy there," he pushed her back into her pillows, "that's going to hurt for a while" lifting her shirt up. The skin was yellow and purple around the stitches. Shepard swallowed the bile in her throat. She knows she has seen worse but she didn't remember it so it was still gross. Another part of her was hoping the rest had been a dream too, the memorial, the reception, the past two months.

Her eyebrows furrowed, looking back up at him. His eyes were tired and he was in civvies. He rubbed her cheek with his talon, his gaze was thoughtful. She put her hand on top of his. It was the first time she had really seen him in a while. Though he was human that last time she was awake, this felt like their real reunion. Her heart was beating loudly, she wondered if his visor had picked it up.

"How long was I out?" she wondered.

"About 12 hours" he said.

"Damn." She hadn't slept that long since…maybe before she lost her memories. Then her dream popped into her mind. "Sydney?" she asked.

"Aria has her" Shepard's heart sunk. Why did Aria take her? What would she want with some kid? This was all her fault. "But we have leads" he added. Shepard sucked in a deep breath and nodded, remembering her conversation with Drew.

"The SSV Berlin?" She asked

"It's our best bet. If you never got that out of that kid, we'd be really behind right now" Garrus said, admiration in his voice. Shepard blushed at this, smiling down. She only hoped Sydney was okay. Shepard would do her damnedest to save her, she owed her that much. Garrus was silent, his eyes glowing with an emotion she knew all too well. "Can you do me a favor next time you want to take one for the team?" Shepard cocked her head to the side, prompting for the punchline she knew was coming, "Would it kill you to at least have some light armor on? I want to help without you giving me a heart attack" he scolded. Though he sounded strict, his eyes were lighthearted.

"Noted" she breathed, "Why aren't you in bed?"

"Wasn't sure if you'd want me there, not even sure if you want me here"

"Don't be ridiculous" she scoffed. She would always want him there, hadn't they discussed this? Though the night before was a little blurry. She thought they reconciled. Was she wrong? She pulled onto the front of his carapace, tugging him into the bed. He climbed over gingerly next to her. She went to turn towards him but a strong hand stopped her at the hip. She frowned at him while he shook his head. "I'm not made of glass" she rolled her eyes.

"Right now, you are" he countered. There was a dead silence between them, he was trying hard to hide something from her. Unfortunately for him, she had gotten better with reading turians.

"Are you angry with me?" she blurted out her thoughts.

"Yes" it was so confident, it stung her. Shepard should have expected it, knowing that what happened couldn't be swept under the rug with a kiss. He was here, so he hadn't left her yet. _Yet_.

"Look, I know I messed up-"

"Seriously, what the hell were you thinking, Shepard?" he interrupted her, hurt in his voice. She deserved his anger, taking it, letting it burn into her. "How many times have I told you we were in this together? I _meant_ it," she flinched, allowing him to rant on how irresponsible she was with her use of battle tactics being way off the-wait…battle tactics?

"Hold on a second" she put her hands up in defense, "What do you mean?"

"Charging at Aria after she already knocked you off a balcony? Do you realize how dangerous that was? Your shields were down, Shepard, she could have killed you! And for another thing…" He was mad at the way she handled herself against Aria. As he went on, something high pitched and unexpected burst from her lips. She immediately put her hand to her mouth. He gave her his most lethal glower, mandibles pulled in tight, eyes narrowed. Another giggle surged through her lips and another. Suddenly, she was laughing hysterically, her injuries begging to stop. He was mad because she nearly gotten herself killed, not because she had left him. Sure, the situation was deadly but the fact that Garrus already resigned himself to taking her back and being mad she had taking risks dealing with Aria had somehow proved comical to her.

"And what in spirits name is so funny?" he growled.

"You love me" she said between chuckles.

"Of course, I do! I can't see how nearly getting yourself killed is in _anyway_ amusing" he continued, his voice guttural, furious. She couldn't stop laughing at him though. Any human would still be upset with her for leaving now that the fighting was over and they were safe for the moment. His anger was due to her biotic impulses and lack of armor that happened _during_ the fighting.

"Oh my god, Garrus" she stifled another giggle, "You're such a…" but she erupted again, crinkling away from him in the sheets, holding her sides. The stitches griped at her abs but she ignored them.

"Such a what?" he demanded. She was suffocating on her own laughter, but he took her shoulders roughly and shoved her towards him. Tears were starting to escape her eyes. "What, Shepard?!"

"You're-…" she snickered, "such a…" taking a couple breaths, trying to compose herself. Then she saw his look of pure puzzlement and frustration but snorting uncontrollably, "Such a _turian_!" she lost it, bellowing her laughs throughout the cabin. Her chest was tightening underneath her hysterics. More tears were falling down her cheeks. Garrus looked at her and rolled his eyes as if it were to say _humans…_

"Last time I checked, yes I am." He grumbled, waiting for her to calm down. Shepard assumed that if he spoke again she would continue her inappropriate laughter. "Shepard, you're gonna burst your stitches if you keep going on like this" he warned. Of course, he was right but she couldn't help it. Out of all the possible things he could be mad about, it was her lack of fighting tactics. The sense of relief was so great, she couldn't help but laugh about it. Still grinning, she took him into her arms, wrapping them around his neck. He was still for a moment, his anger nearly rolling off his shoulders. She said his name in a sigh and he began to thaw beneath her. Garrus let out a frustrated huff but returned her hug, holding her tightly.

They held each other for a long time; Shepard's wound eventually stopped stinging from the residue hysterics. A giggle would shake her composure occasionally and Garrus would give a muffled groan.

"Are you okay now?" he asked cautiously. Shepard had nearly fallen asleep again if not for his voice.

"Yeah. Thanks. And sorry about that" she still smiled.

"And why is my being a turian so hilarious?" he drawled, "don't tell me you miss me being a human." He feigned horror.

"Not at all. It's not that" she shook her head.

"Good cause I don't think I can go back down that road again" she could hear the relief in his sub tones.

"I don't want you to" she smirked, her eyes trailing to his chest. He prompted her to continue with a nudge. "I really don't! It's just…I don't know, I thought you would finally explode at me for…" she hesitated, biting her lip, "you know, for leaving." She played with one of the sleeve on his shirt and snuck a glance at him; his expression was unreadable. Shepard had thrown a grenade and she was almost sure it was going to blow. Garrus simply blinked and tilted his head to the side. "Well?"

Now he laughed and she glared. "Shepard, I had my time to be mad about you leaving"

"Now?"

He shook his head and shrugged, "I'm not angry anymore" he was saying it as if it should be obvious.

"But…I _left_ you!" She sputtered.

"Only because I let you" He said matter of factly.

Shepard sputtered at his words, "You-you what!?"

"Shepard, I would have fought you to the end, followed you onto the ship if I had to."

"Then, why didn't you?"

"Because that would be the final nail in the coffin" his expression dropped, "I respect you more than anyone else in my life, Jane Shepard. If I followed you, you would never forgive me. I needed to let you go even if it hurt me. If you and I were meant to be together, then it would happen. I would not force myself on you if you didn't want me."

"But…I did want you!"

"You also wanted me to be happy. If we continued where we had left off, there would also be some doubt or confusion. I wanted you coming back knowing there was no more of that."

"And you were the one to come back" she countered.

"You're right and I revealed myself to you. You had a choice then; take me back or turn me away. That would be where our fate hangs."

"So, this was all a plot? You knew I would leave?" She raised an eyebrow at him.  
"Only because I was going to do the same thing" He whispered.

"W-what?" she stuttered.

"I convinced myself just as you did that you only loved me because I was the one thing you didn't completely forget, that I was a clutch. I considered leaving you for the sake that you were going to have a choice of who to be with; to start over with someone else and have it be real." She didn't know what to think at his words; that they were too much of the same person, Shepard just pulled the trigger on the gun he was holding to her. "But you _did_ choose. You chose me after all my attempts to push you away"

"And you decided not to leave, just like that?" she sounded apprehensive, not sure whether to believe him.

"The only thing that made me stay was the way you looked at me" he said softly. She raised an eyebrow at him, "you look at me the same way you used to. Hell, you're doing it right now" trailing a finger down her cheek. "That told me what we have is still real. If I left, I would have hated it and I guarantee no one else could have the same pull on me as you could."

"But I did break up with you" emphasizing her decision.

She winced, almost ready for the kickback of the comment. The past couldn't but changed but she couldn't help feeling responsible. He noticed her pained expression and picked her up by the hips, gingerly placing her on top of him. Her breath came out quickly while he held her up with his hands to her face. His eyes were searching for something and the redness caught back up to her cheeks. "What about now?" he murmured.

Her fingers traced his knuckles. She didn't know what he wanted her to say, of course she wanted him back, but the fact he forgave her so easily was disorienting. She decided to speak honestly. "I love you" she said quietly. His mandibles pulled apart slightly, the tiniest smile.

"I know" he replied, in no way trying to demean her. He pulled her to his mouth, kissing her softly. She froze at the sudden gesture but relaxed into his body, feeling the comfort and relief, she'd been craving since she had seen him again. His mouth was hard and rigid but it was home, her brain no longer rushing through miniature panic attacks. It was _right_.

 **And suddenly it stops! That's where my brain said, "we're good, fam." Hope you liked all the Shakarian goodness in this chapter! There will be more action in the next. We're about 2/3 of the way through this fan fiction; only about two or three more mission left. I'm giving it about 5-10 more chapters till I finish it, give or take! Then I will be making a small epilogue series. After that…well I'm not so sure yet. Thank you, guys, for all the support you have given me, I really appreciate it. Once again if you have not, please do check out my Shakarian one shot "Nightingale" I posted about a month ago, it needs some love! Anyway Happy reading, yall! -Kristin**


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